I've posted before about my mother's lifelong narcissistic behaviour, and wondered whether this can run in the family? If I think about it, my mother's father (my grandfather) behaved like this, as did his sister and their mother, my great grandmother. Each of them had a scapegoat, and also they were all intensely selfish and prone to rages. Is this inherited or did they just copy behaviour they saw and grew up with during their formative years? I'm still trying to understand this condition.
Anyway, narcissistic people feel inferior and develop a false self which they expect people to fall down and worship. They have no empathy for others. They use others to get their own needs meet. Be aware that underneath they are very jealous people and are not capable of being happy. Want to make them upset? Just show them how happy you are! They will do anything to spoil your good mood. They want you to feel as miserable as they are. They are big haters. You need to limit your exposure to them and hang on to your value of yourself. My mother was one of these and we had a very unhappy home. As a child victim it causes us to have low self esteem and depression and to not become who we are. Also we often become people pleasers and sometimes allow others to abuse or disrespect us. When I was much older I married a man with extreme NPD. Never saw the bad behavior until after I married him. Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. I met the real him. This was a good thing for me because it led to learning about this. I bought the book "Malignant Self Love" by Sam Vaknin. The amazing thing is that they all have the same behavior. Sometimes to a more or less degree. I saw then how often I had encountered it and how it had affected my life. It happens on the job too. Of course I divorced my husband. This was after I nearly had heart surgery because he had caused me severe stress. Of course it wasn't just him- it was growing up with my mother and my lack of developing my own healthy ego. I had a therapist at the time (I was being treated for PTSD from being severely abused as a child) and she said we all marry our parents. This was after I told her I had just married my mother. So we need to know we are living with the damage an NPD parent does to us. So I learned a valuable lesson that helped me to be free of this. Now I can spot one of these across a room and I will never come under their spell. If it is someone you don't know, they can come on very charming and seem so interested in you that you fall in love with them on the spot. Not the one you grew up with who lets it all hang out. I am grateful that I am not like that. They are very miserable people who can't love anyone ever. Usually they do not achieve much in their own life but tear down others who do. They seem to hate every one and it will be your turn sometimes. Love and value yourself. Allow yourself to be happy. Get away from these people as fast as you can.
You are spot on about everything. Sam Vaknin was the perfect source for you to have read. I've watched his you tube videos over the past several years. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is exactly what it's like and as I've said many times, they all play by the same "playbook."
I'm glad you were able get the therapy you needed as well as awareness so you can spot the a mile away! And you are right about marrying our parents as strange as that may sound at first.
I just saw the term P"N"SD for the first time - Post "Narcissist" stress disorder. Haven't watched the video yet, but I'd be interested to see the difference between the two.
Best wishes to you as you move forward in your life WITHOUT the narcissists!
If someone has the genetic make up, it may have to be tapped into in order for
the narcissistic tendencies to come out. This is where the environment would be a factor.
Example: Some people are born with the genes that would cause one to have bunions. Both A and B have the genes. "A"has worn ill fitting shoes. "A" developed bunions. "B" lives in a remote country where shoes are not the norm and never developed bunions.
My MIL is the biggest narcissist I have ever met. She has made life miserable for everyone in her entire family but with me it STOPS.
I refuse to let her control or interfere in my life because she feels she knows everything (I always tell her that she knows a whole lot of nothing) She is useless to be honest and jealous of the fact that I can love and take care of my husband better than she ever could. I don't like her. I dont want her around my family and if I never seen her again it would be too soon.
Interesting that todays Dilbert took a shot at narcissism. I think the point is that while narcissism in obviously an issue, it seems to be the diagnosis du jour these days.
I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
I have only recently realized what true Narcissistic Personality Disorder is.
After a ton of research, It appears to be nurture more than nature.
Having said that, children of narcissistic parents tend to either become narcissistic as a learned behavior or over pleasers in an attempt to avoid the narcissists wrath.
As I understand it, we are ALL born with some narcissistic tendencies, however, most of us realize that we are not the center of the universe.
Do a lot of homework!!! There are tons of videos on YouTube to help you understand and deal with your situation.
"Grey Rock " is a life saver!!
Best wishes and Blessings!!
Depression runs on both sides of my family. I think I was a happy child, but in fourth grade I had the beginnings of depression, low self esteem and doubts about my own exsistance. Suffice to say I started a new school with only two classes of the 4th grade and the " good girl, good student favorite" started to bully me. I had this "bully' for 4 years and every teacher had her on a pedestal. It wasn't until years later, I learned all I could about behaviors in psychology which I learned on my own. I reached a "burnout" period in 1996 when I was in a "toxic work environment" That is when I saw a wonderful psycholgist who worked with my doctor to get me on the right medications and pyschotherapy. I have been on medication since that time for anxiety and depression and these last 35 years have been the best of my life. It does not matter if depression is caused by stress, family dysfunction or physical cause, the result is the same; a chemical imbalance in the brain. It has been studied and it is now a medical diagnosis just as congestive heart failure, diabetes, hypertension, dementia and other physical problems are a medical health problem. I have had over 35 years as a registered nurse, got a Masters degree in child development and a B.S. in Vocational Home economics. One can have a better life when treated. In 1960, cancer was the best kept secret. We need to educate everyone on Depression and also other illnesses of the brain. To the others, I think that narcissism can be both nature/nurture. I grew up with two histrionic type people, my mother and my older sister who was the favorite. My mother became very narcissistic after my dad died in 1978. After my mother died, my older sister's narcissitic behaviors escalated and expected the rest of us siblings to co-tow to her and it didn't happen. She ended up having a mental breakdown because she was so angry that things did not go her way. What a waste! She was never the same and died in 2017 after multiple bacterial infections as her immunity system crashed. Sometime it is better not to be the favorite.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
I am wondering if you could provide any links that substantiate that narcissism is genetic?
I haven't found that in my searches and afraid I may have missed something.
Thanks!
We can thank sue happy people and insurance companies for a great deal of this, as well as government interference, doctors can no longer afford to be in practice alone and have all become corporate employees. This is socialized medicine without the title or the financial benefits.
Learned or inherited, we can sit on the fence.
My situation is, I live in a Nac Sandwich.
An only child Daughter to an elderly Mother whom after many years of hidden mental abuse behind closed doors sent me knocking for some serious therapy.
I am 63 now and took 62 of those years to understand why and who I am. Finally being told it isn't my fault.
My Grandmother was the same. Was it learned?
I am also a Mother to a Daughter whom I haven't seen for 6 years and had some terrible events over 20 years. She had me convinced that every small or large event in her life that she didn't like, it was my fault. On top of my Mothers manipulations, I often questioned myself so I could become a better person.
Sadly she has wiped her hands of me without a decent explanation saying I can see my Grand children under supervision. I felt betrayed and insulted. I often wonder if I didn't hold the reigns tight enough. She was my everything.
So, is it inherited? My daughter was a beautiful soul once.
Self preservation is now my life however, so many unanswered questions. I must bury the why's. Focus on the beauty in life with my wonderful, patient partner of 21 years.
Maybe when I die I won't been seen as the enemy anymore. It is such a shame I have had to miss out on my grand children growing up.
Acceptance.
Believing and verbalizing "maybe when I die I won't be seen as the enemy. " I honestly wouldn't let that attitude around my children or grandchildren. It's not healthy. Please think about what you project.
You can be a survivor or you can be a victim, choose to survive and let go for your own wellbeing.
Chriscat says “I always thought my mother had a perfect childhood, wanting for nothing”. Being treated like a princess can lead to expecting the same for life, and learning many tricks to make it happen. To grow up well, children need to share, to try and fail sometimes, to do without, and to work for what they want. They also need to realise that their success may simply be luck rather than being too too wonderful.
At the other end of the scale, children who have to fight to stay alive, have nothing to share, always fail and never get what they want, can also become self centred because that is how they survived.
It seems as though the older children can do better, while parents lose interest in the younger ones. They turn into the scapegoats that get bossed around, groomed to stay that way, and be the one who inherits the care responsibilities. So you can get two different results from the same parents. And then there is a wealth of literature about the differences between oldest, youngest and middle children.
One thing that's clear is it’s very complicated!
But when I view her behavior, I see similar behavior that I exhibited when younger. I have had years of therapy and would like to believe I have improved, though probably far from perfect. But people say I am nothing like when younger and they say I am noting like my mother. '
Based on this I have to believe this is learned behavior. Probably like all things some of both, and they reinforce one another. But I think in my case anyways it can be unlearned.
Keep on with respecting and protecting yourself, building towards a safe and healthy future for you, and know that others here understand the difficulty of being on the receiving end of a person who is abusive, who "targets" others to hurt and to cause them misery.
I want to start by saying that I truly appreciate your boldness for Christ!
I want to point out that like people who are of a different faith than ours, people who have NPD (an actual medical diagnoses)
think that their way of living is the ONLY WAY and refuse to see it differently.
Dealing with a narcissistic LO can tear you down mentally and physically.
Satan attacks when we are at our weakest point!
Of course prayer should be our first go to, however, when our health is truly suffering due to overwhelming stress we may need a little extra help!
After all, God also tells us not to be fools!
If you're in the middle of a flood and God throws you a life vest, it would be foolish not to put it on!!
Food for thought!!
As far as mind-altering drugs. I believe that Jesus is the great physician absolutely. But I also believe with my whole heart that he has given us people who can solve problems when this world breaks us. There is no shame in taking medication for heart problems, cancer, diabetes and a whole myriad of physical illnesses. There should be absolutely no shame in taking medications that can provide healing for mental health as well.
My FIL is the only narcissist I have ever known personally. To those outside until recently he has been an upstanding man of God. Served in the church, helped found a church, at church every time the doors were opened. As his health failed he watched church from home. But reality is very different. Reality was that it was the face he wanted people to see. He wanted to be admired and the best and to have people want to be him.
Ultimately his carefully crafted facade has collapsed and he is left with the people he has abused and used the most to take care of him because everyone else has turned their backs on him when they saw who he really was. Very sad but also richly deserved.
at least I’ve learned it’s not me.
And this type of person is sensational, pleasant and generous to people outside the family
Within the family they start with one victim , and chip away one by one as that victim gets their number
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