Is this a rude question?

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Is this a rude question?

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My mom has really bad mobility and balance issues. She uses a walker and I believe will soon be in a wheelchair. She’s had every test possible and the doctors really don’t have any answers except results from her sedentary and lifelong smoking lifestyle. Anyway, a few friends at the AL have asked her, “What’s wrong with you? “Why can’t you walk?” It’s always in a baffled way. These friends are 10 to 15 yrs older than my mom. I’ve also had a daughter of a resident ask me why my mom is so disabled. Her mom is 97 and uses a walker but can walk without it occasionally. I guess because my mom looks young but she is 81.

I don’t know how to answer this question.

Assisted Living Communication & Language Mobility Relationships

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I honestly don't find it rude at all. People your moms age(and older)pretty much just talk about all their health issues to whoever will listen, so I think those questions are all just part of that, so they can share what's wrong with themselves.

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I once read that if you are asked a weird/uncomfortable question you should respond with "Why do you ask?"

It makes the person asking the question justify their reason for asking. Frequently they can't.and will drop it. It may be awkward but worth a shot. I've tried it and it worked for intrusive questions.

If the answer is "I'm just curious." You can choose to answer or say something like "Well, if you're just curious." And change the subject without answering a curiosity question.

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Sure it's rude, but it happens for some reason. I have leg injuries, and after 3 dozen sessions of PT, am able to walk with a Walker now - but, not steadily. It amazes me how many strangers walk up to me and ask what's wrong with me. It happens all the time. I've had people walk up and pray, too. Several times. Almost always while I'm grocery shopping or in the parking lot.
And, strangers also approach me and tell me about their knee surgeries. Sometimes they joke about how hard it is to get in and out of a car when they see me struggling and offer to help.

A very strange phenomenon. They are always pleasant and kind, and I am nice back to them. But, it's weird. So yeah - people are gonna do that for some reason. I usually say something light and positive back to them and smile, because I know they don't mean any harm. I think they're just trying to be friendly.

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“If you’ll forgive me for not answering your question, I’ll forgive you for asking it.”

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“I don’t know”. Because that’s the truth.

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My sister has atherosclerosis from years of smoking. Her arteries in her legs are blocked with plaque. She needs to have this checked out to see if that is her case and if a stent is warranted to increase blood flow.

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My LO was not a smoker but had high BP & chol. Survived a stroke many years ago. Worked hard to regained walking but now very slow & struggling. I wondered about poor circulation being a factor? I will research atherosclerosis. Thank you.

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My mother lived in AL and then memory care AL. Constantly constantly CONSTANTLY she was finding the residents to be saying "rude" things or asking her "rude" questions. Nevermind she was constantly back biting them herself! Old ladies in general are snarky and filter free, all of them. They tend to be egocentric and focused on themselves only. Its how life in AL and managed care goes. Everyone would be better off focused on the niceties of life instead of who's being rude! Trouble was, my mother could not let go of the "rude" comments and wound up holding grudges against the women who'd issue them! Hopefully your mom can just answer the nosy questions in a friendly way and move past the drama. After all, everyone in AL is there for ASSISTANCE with some sort of age related issue!

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As my mom's dementia has progressed a person is "rude" if they tell her things she doesn't want to hear. I assume that sometimes it is the tone used. Her doctors are great and wonderful until they tell her something that she doesn't want to hear about and then she doesn't like them anymore. Examples-you shouldn't live alone, you aren't taking your medication, you are having problems with your memory etc.

Thankfully she seems to like most of the folks at her AL....at least for now.

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I don't think dementia and AL,SN facilities can necessarily set an example of fine manners although it would be nice if the staff could adhere to them. I would ignore the questions and not allow yourself to be bothered by them. It is likely that the answers should they be given will not be remembered.

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I might be wierd, but I find the honesty sometimes a break from our filtered adult life. Blunt, confronting, but also real. Like with young children.
Child-like / Elder-like

"What's wrong with her/him?"

I remeber being so embarresed when my young son asked "Why is that man sitting in that chair? Does he have legs?"

The man heard, waved us over & had an honest chat at my son's understanding level. He said "Yes he had legs but they didn't work anymore". (I can't remeber the reason). He also said he loved having a chair with wheels so he could go places - and go FAST.

As we left I apologized. He said he enjoyed talking to curious children. They saw him as a man sitting down, not a 'disabled man'. He liked enlightening them that differences are ok.

I digress. But just take those rude people at face value. They are like curious children. Yes probably some are the nosy or competetive, but some probably fearful. Eg Will my legs stop working too?

I've heard people simply say "Bad back" to why they walk so slow, or don't walk.

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"They saw him as a man sitting down, not a 'disabled man'."

This sentence gave me an "ah ha" moment as Oprah likes to say. What a fundamentally different way of seeing a person. It sees the person and not the thing they are lacking.

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I am thinking you need a good neuro-psyc exam for your mother. First of all, balance is one of the most common issues for seniors as they age. It is not caused by cigarette smoking, and while being sedentary can contribute to it being worse, it doesn't cause it. Poor balance is generally caused by the aging brain. It can be helped with physical therapy and balance exercises if an elder wishes to participate.

As far as people being critical of her balance, that is curious in a population that is beset with the problem themselves. At 80, without consistency in balance exercises I, at 150# tend to float like a butterfly on the buses.

Go google "balance and the brain". You will have a lot more information to work with. There are many balance exercises posted as well, and they DO help, but can be dangerous to start without therapists directing in the beginning. Balance problems, don't you know!

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