I've created a dependency on me, yet I can't keep up with all that is expected of me. Any input?

Hi B, yes, you have too much going on for one person!
Some elders are resistant to outside help, but they are also overwhelmed and probably in denial about their own situation.
My suggestion is to step back and be as matter of fact with them as you can. You have to get some objectivity and lose the emotion --as best you can!! I know it's not easy. Your Dad may understand, but he's worried about your Mom, no doubt, and she is perhaps exhausted.
You can get a housecleaning service in, or a combo caregiver housekeeper. I would detail exactly what you expect them to do--the biggest cleaning issues, and maybe you can do sporadic lighter tasks a couple times a week.
As with broaching any difficult subject to discuss, you need to have honest communication with them--whether they like it or not. That's the way it is. When one is strong, capable, a multi-tasker, efficient, kind and generous, that's what happens. You're in demand. Prioritize and take control so you are satisfied.
Take time to be with your parents as a daughter and don't sweat the annoying stuff. You are a good daughter, Mother and Gma. Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about all you are doing, Dear One:) xo

Dear B,

I completely relate to what you said about feeling resentful yet worrying about how you're going to react when they pass away. I lived with that feeling everyday for over 5 years. I was so busy trying to create an environment in which I would have no regrets while at the same time killing myself to ensure I could someday say, "I did everything I could".

If I could go back to that woman I was in those moments I would tell her to not worry about making sure I would have no regrets. I would also tell her that she was doing the very best she could and that when it was all done and said and dad (in my case I cared for my dad) was gone those regrets passed with him for the most part.

My dad died 5 days ago and I guess if I sat around and really put some thought into it I could dredge up a few regrets but they don't trouble me the way I thought they would.

So practically speaking if you need help, get it! I understand that your mom doesn't want strangers in the house but if she wants to stay in her home then you need some help. Working 2 jobs and taking care of your own family and taking care of your parents is too much for one person to take on. Your resentment will grow, you'll become increasingly unhappy, and you may get to the point where you can't help them at all because you've run yourself into the ground.

It's not fair to you that your mom and dad are expecting you to take care of all of their needs. You're already guilt-ridden and full of resentment. Those feelings won't go away unless you go into therapy and with what you have on your plate, you don't have the time or the energy to see a therapist. If you need changes then you will have to make them. I'm not saying hire someone and yell "Good luck!" as you're walking out the door but you need some supplemental assistance.

Yes, as ChristinaW says, take time to be with your parents as a daughter & don't sweat the annoying stuff is great advice but...I know when you are the one solely responsible for everything, the advice is hard to follow. I too, am responsible for my mother's care as well as my grandson at night while my daughter works. I take care of my mom's finances, doctors, meds, insurance, housework, laundry, etc. I would love to sit with my mom to just visit, but there never is enough time it seems. I work a full time job, I have a husband in Stage 4 kidney disease, and a sister who only comes for 1 day every 6 - 8 weeks. So that leaves me with 2 houses to clean & absolutely no time for myself! Thank heavens, my husband handles the finances & bills at our house as I don't think I could handle one more responsibility! I too, am totally overwhelmed! My mom does have hospice, so that provides 45 minutes of housework per week. Wow! But that that's better than nothing. So actually, I don't have any advise for you, as I am in a similar situation myself! Good luck to you & try to take care of yourself! I try to eat very healthy, take a walk a few times per week & I do yoga nightly, exercise does ease the stress!

I used to babysit for a woman when I was in high school. She had 4 kids and her place was a mess. She was so laid back she drove me nuts. One day I think she saw me eyeing one of the messes as she was leaving with her husband to go out for the evening. She told me that the kids were going to grow up too fast and she wanted to have enjoyable, relaxed memories of time spent with them. She washed their clothes and fed them well. She told me that one day they would be in school all day, then she would clean her house. I have never forgotten her demeanor and perspective. In Bible study, I equated the story of Mary and Martha with her. I have caught myself many times being a Martha. It's good to have recollections to prioritize what is meaningful in our lives. We remember the quality of our relationships. That's all:) xo

I recently lost the man I took care of for 35 years, my husband. At the end I was burned out. He had 24 hour nursing care but was still at home. The nursing care was a stress in itself, as I was hyper vigilant, trying to make sure they took "perfect" care of him. It made me too tired to have an actual relationship with my spouse apart from caregiving. Now he is gone, and I am left to remake my life, tired, with a bad back and other issues from not taking care of myself all these years. All I can say is to agree with much of what has been said above. Take care of yourself! Your parents will move on to the next life and you will grieve, but you will be left here to carry on. Make sure you are healthy and happy enough to carry on. Please feel no guilt about not being a super human being. No one can do it all, and I did learn at the end that when we set limits others adjust. My husband would have preferred me to do all his care, but he adjusted and even enjoyed his nurses. They brought variety and new friendships to his life. Please do not feel guilty. Guilt is such a heavy burden! You deserve to be taken care of. You desrve to have enjoyment in your life. Please do talk with your parents. They love you and eventually will understand that you need a break and more balance so you can have a happy, healthy life.

You are handling too much yourself! I've never seen such a "stuck" generational age group. Our age (we are approx. the same age) are helping old and young. Now, please put your daughter to work helping clean at your parents. If they complain of "outside help" then now you are solving that -- who would complain about "family" helping? Let them pay her and it will help her. Stop doing all the freebies and talk to a counselor about why you feel anxious about losing your parents. I've lost the parent I cared about almost 20 years ago. I'm stuck w/ the parent who is killing me mentally and physically -- she's like the Energizer Bunny. All my wishing in the world, the praying, the tears, won't bring back the parent I loved and miss. If you think you'll get an inheritance out of it, forget that too -- those days are done and gone. The gov't and the lawyers will find a way to wrest it from you.

I have a great little family of my own and they should be priority. Also, don't forget yourself. I should've have heeded that advice about years ago when I was injured and cannot do all the physical labor any more -- yet, feel guilted into it -- don't let it happen to you!!!

Christinaw's note had a good bit of advice -- choose a priority "quality" thing to do for or do with your parent. One thing though, and make it good and memorable. Whittling back the list has helped with physical stress. Good luck.

It is good to know you are not alone, that helps beyond words. You are 51 years old and you are coming face to face with your own mortality. This is a very challenging time for all of us when we get to this point. You understand that you have to be the very person that your parents hopefully prepared for you to be independent from them, to be able to take care of yourself in this world without them. This is a bitter pill. As a parent with this fought hard for insight you can gift to your own child and free her from an enormous future burden. You are grieving losses on many levels, loss of youth and seeing life as it really is, tough and unfair at times. You know you have to take care of yourself, no one is helping you with your two jobs. Help your parents by getting a cleaner, go with them one day and get them used to the idea. Start slow, once a week a few hours, laundry, mopping floors, garbage. Whatever is needed. Do it now, it is not what we wish it was but it is what it is. Take care of yourself so you can enjoy your middle age before you are too old or sick to do it. Forget the guilt, they gave you life and hope they gifted you with the importance of independence, you don't have to give them your life, you can help them but you need your boundaries.

Although we put others' needs first [out of sheer devotion, fear of loosing them--as though that will prevent it--, guilt --the gift that keeps on giving!-- or whatever reason compels us to do it], if we don't take care of ourselves adequately, we will be of no use to them or in managing our own affairs and our families.

You cannot do what you cannot do! There is only so much one person can handle, and beyond that we need help. You have to make the decisions that truly help and protect their interests, as well as your own. And how you respond to your parents is teaching your family at the same time. Be a good role model.

It's hard enough to anticipate losing your parents now [as will /have we all] without creating situations now that will make it harder to deal will the grief later. Don't heap unnecessary guilt and grief upon yourself. Get some assistance to do things anyone can do --cleaning, laundry. etc -- without the natural "resentment" you feel, and focus on the emotional needs your parents have [as well as you and your family too]. They probably realize their lives are "out of control", and the fear from that, as well as the fear of losing each other, is scary. And when they realize that despite your help, and what your dad tries to do, things are actually still getting worse, that's scarier yet. Try an experiment and get outside help to do the basic house and daily maintenance things, and you focus on their medical and other situations--getting them to doctors, making sure they take meds, are eating good food, you are making sure their bills are paid for on a timely basis, etc. See if things don't improve for them [they should see things as better even if they don't want to admit it] and for you. Emphasize the need and desire to help them, but also the need to be what you need to at home.

Get a social worker to come in and access the situation and recommend the help and needed assistance to free you up. That helped us get the basic help we needed with my mother-in-law and let me focus on her "family" needs as well as attend to my children. I couldn't be in two places or take on tasks beyond my time and physical [and emotional] limitations and do any of them well. And running myself into the ground would render me ineffective in all arenas. Outside help is essential. Few families are capable of meeting all the routine mechanical and emotional needs of aging / ailing parents for very long and doing it effectively and without burnout. And when you burn out, you can't take care of anything adequately.

Their situations force the realization that we don't have the people in our lives forever. Accept that, as painful as it may be, and don't live in denial. And don't deny your family your presence and assistance and interaction they need from you.

Don't create future regrets; the "if onlys", "what ifs", "why couldn't I have onlys" will consume you with grief they create and add on top of the normal grief of eventual loss. Protect yourself in order to protect your family and manage your parents adequately.

Been there and done that, and got close to burnout that rendered me ineffective in anything I tried to do. And that helped no one! The social worked assigned to our case saved the day!

You can't do what you can't do; you can only do so much. And as one person said, "Never cry alone". Share the load and emotions. Praying for you and your situation.

I can totally relate to your question. When my Dad was alive and my parents lived in their home, it became too much for my Dear sweet Daddy to clean. My Mom could not do any thing at all except sit of the sofa and watch t.v. I became the sole person to clean, and it was a job cleaning thier house, I was not in the best of health my self. It came to a point to where I knew I could no longer do it, after doing it for several years.
I sat down on the sofa next to Mom and had a calm heart to heart.
I said to her that I would give any thing to be able to contine to clean for them but it has become too much for me.
I said to mom that I know she does not like any strangers in her home but to please trust me.
I told I would make sure the person or persons that came in were responsible, and I would be there too when they came to clean. Until they would get used to them coming in.
I said to Mom, what if the roles were switched? What if you could no longer do it? But, I did start out the conversation by saying to Mom, "Do you trust me Mom"? Do you trust that I have your best interest at heart? That I would never do any thing to harm you or Dad.
The Dept of aged may have some ideas on who you could find, or suggestions on finding some one.
Let your Mom know that you did extensive research on finding some one.
Good luck, I so understand.

I have a question for you, can your parents bathe them selves ok?

I'm new to the forum - it was sent to me by a friend - and this is the first question and discussion I've responded to - as I can also relate to what you're going through - although the specifics are different - and perhaps the degree of difficulty? So much good advice - its just sinking in - along with gratitude for the forum and what people have and are living though. Being sustainable, rather than believing that we are sprinting to a finish line - seems important to me. It looked like we were loosing my Mum at 67 - and she's 93 and living with me now. So somehow we need to let go of the finish line - it comes when it comes - but we must create some kind of real and healthful life in the meantime - for me its having the courage to break out of some of the expectations I have for my self (I'm always a nice guy). Sure if I keep myself out of the fray - and live in a cabin in the woods - done that - I can always be a "nice guy" but in the midst of a battleground - its not always pretty ;-) And this journey is not all about us - its about the transformation of those around us. How can they move from self-centeredness - and self preoccupation to service and care-giving - so we can move more into balance - and a creative, expressive, evolutionary process ourselves? Take a look around you and see who can benefit from this opportunity to care for others and create meaning through service? I have a friend who has become isolated and has not been able to find work - its a big risk - but I've taken him in and am gently steering him towards some service - and I've done this before - creating community. Its not without its challenges. I guess I'm thinking of your daughter too - but not knowing her circumstances - I don't want to presume. An also perhaps the inter-generational thing can be magic - perhaps it already is! Where is there magic now? Grandchild with Grandparents - for a bit of time can revitalize our elders. Just thinking of ways to spread the fertilizer (aka manure - aka something else) around ;-) I have confidence that you'll find your way through this!

Hi, B1U5GS. My heart goes out to you. You have so much on your plate. Although I am not an only child, I feel like one. I have a brother who LIVES with my Mom and a sister who lives closer to my Mom than I do that comes over MAYBE once a month and does nothing (I hear you Greengirl!). I was going over to my Mom's to do the "little" things she wanted done and also trying to clean her house on a regular basis (because Lord knows, my brother couldn't push a vacuum around the house). Finally, one Christmas, my niece (an only child herself) gave her Grandma a gift certificate for a couple of "cleanings" from a local maid service. Wow! Genius! Since it was a gift from her granddaughter, it was accepted (I know how the elderly do not want strangers in their homes) and my niece followed up and "met" with them initially to basically tell them what needed to be done (basics -- washing the kitchen/bathroom floors, sinks, vacuuming, dusting, etc.) After the initial cleanings (used up the gift certificate), I told my brother (again, who LIVES there) that he's going to have to pay for the service from now on because I can't clean my house and Mom's, too, (I'm 54) especially when he doesn't lift a finger to clean! (plus I work part time). Actually, he didn't give me any arguments about it and he pays for the service now (it's about $125 for each cleaning). He's retired, he can afford it. They come twice a month. It's great! Now I just have to go in and do the "windows" and some spring/fall cleaning.

I like Jannie's suggestion, too. Sit down with your Mom and Dad and start the conversation out by asking them if they trust that you have their best interests at heart. Good luck and let us know how your doing.

Let me ask a question. What will happen to your parents, if you ruin your own health? That is what my experience is about. My sister ruined her already fragile heath, running to Mother's house several times a day and being tied to her by the cell phone.

After her death, life went on. Believe it or not, Home Health Care had to come in and they said that she needed to be in the hospital. Everything progressed from there.

But, I wish my sister would have spent time out of town at her sons', instead of being co-dependent on Mother.

You can undo the dependency you created, bit by bit by bit. You know in your bones how you got into this tangle; you know how you can slowly do the opposite. When you do something you resent, the argument is between two parts of you, not between you and your parents! You are the one, and the only one, who can settle the argument within yourself. Step back from the part of you that wants to clean and the part of you that doesn't, and treat them like two friends who are fighting, and see if you can help these two friends find a win-win solution...

YOU didn't create this dependency. THEY did with their stubbornness and denial. YOU allowed them to inflict this on you. This is what my husband did to us with his mother. Now there is no US. When she dies, I will feel like Martin Luther King: Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last. Your parents lost their ability to be tyrants when they lost the ability to take care of themselves. Your mother doesn't want a stranger in her house? That's what YOU have become because you are no longer the daughter you once were and they are not able to care for themselves. You need boundaries and guidelines to get you through this next phase of their lives when they are VERY difficult, nearly impossible to live with the way things are. Good luck.

Hi B,
First, good for you that you recognize what is going on in your life. So many caregivers don't see the problem until it is too late. What you have taken on is simply not possible to sustain. You cannot continue to maintain this level of commitment to your parents, your family and your two jobs. Something will break and I fear it will be you. You MUST get help and you should start doing less.

It is very common for aging parents to not want a stranger in the home, but I'm guessing if a major appliance breaks or the plumbing goes out, that you are not the person to fix it. They would have a stranger in their home. They don't want anyone else because up until now you have been willing to do everything. So now it's time to set some boundaries and put some of your needs at the top of the list...and there is NOTHING wrong with doing that. You are NOT a bad person because you don't want to lose your life. In fact, if you get some help, your attitude will change and the resentment will begin to subside. The scenario that you describe is the biggest challenge caregivers face. There are too many emotions to manage and guilt becomes the most powerful. You Matter! Your Life Matters and I encourage you to get some help quickly.

The thought of losing our parents is, of course, scary, but that fear and sadness should be focused on spending time with them that serves them and you in a good way. Cleaning and feeling resentment about doing it, is only going to erode your feelings of love. All the best to you.

It is never easy for a parent to give up control, even harder for some. I had no choice but to bring in Elder Services, state run agency and it was the best thing I ever did. I had the case worker meet me at Mom's house and together we talked about the demands placed on my life. At that time I was working full time and attending college full time in addition to caring for her and her home, not to mention I have my own home. I won't even talk about the condition of that because of the timeI had to spend caring for her.
Bringing in Bristol Elder Services was my life saver, until she had to go to assisted living and then that bubble burst. Mom did not want to be there even though she knew she could no longer live alone. She became impossible, started throwing away her meds, trying to manipulate the situation so she could go back to a facility where she was treated like royalty. What she did not realize is she was treated that way because she was a short term rehab patient... as a life resident, it is all together different. Throwing away the meds did so much damage and I know she did not even consider that. Her condition is critical... she has a DNR, Do Not Hospitalize, and Do Not Intibate in place. This has been so hard!
My mom trusted me to do the right thing even though it is not what she really wanted for her life! My heart is so heavy because she has shortened her life considerably. All that pain and frustration I went through in the beginning is completely gone... just knowing she will not be with me much longer has over taken those emotions and there is a whole new set in place now! I just keep on smiling, keep on trusting God, and moving forward, hard as it is, and it certainly is!
Because of her medical condition, her mind is not always with us... and she is much like a small child. In that, it is easier to talk to her and just love her and do what is right by her. Kissing her good bye every night that I see her, and telling her I love her has been huge in healing me. She looks at me with so much love in her eyes and says... I love you too Cindy! She knows I am taking good care of her. There has been a lot of heartache in the family with my siblings and their treatment of her... but, she knows she can count on me and for that I am VERY thankful. Honoring God by honoring her as my mother does a heart good!

My own health is totally shot after 17 years of caregiving a still sick husband and 4 parents between us plus a stepmother. My stepmother and MIL are still alive. I will never reach their ages because they have fought everything that could help them including meds and physical therapy after strokes. My MIL pretended to be out of four meds and I went crazy trying to get them replaced for her until her best friend tipped me off that she was just furious that my husband and I went to a wedding one afternoon. The only "meds" she threw away were vitamins. She has no more desire to die than I do.

PS By all means, love your parents and realize they are not always going to be here but don't put yourself in the grave before them because you have gone way beyond the bounds of sanity in feeling guilty about not being the perfect child. They would never accept the kind of behavior in you while you were growing up that they are putting us through here. Cherishing them does not have to include being used as the family asswipe.

Somehow I don't think that when your parents are gone you are going to regret not cleaning their toilet and scrubbing their floors. What you might regret, if things continue the way they are, is getting yourself into a situation where you had so much resentment toward your parents. You might regret running a vacuum cleaner when you could have been using your valuable and limited time to take them to lunch.

When we called Social Services in to evaluate what Mom needed, the social worker asked if she needed homemaking services, to do laundry and clean. "No," she said, "My daughters can do that." Fortunately one of those daughters was there and spoke up. "No, Mom. When your daughters give up time with our own families we want to play Scrabble with you. We want to try to beat you at cribbage. We want to watch a funny tv show with you. We don't want to scrub your toilet or wash your bedding." And Mom got a homemaker a few hours a week!

They don't want strangers in their house? Well, none of us gets through life having only what we want. What you want and what you need is every bit as important as what they want.

If instead of spending 5 hours a week cleaning for them you spent one hour a week playing cards with them or taking them for a ride through a beautiful park, wouldn't everyone really be happier, and have less to regret?

ChristinaW.....My mother checked out when we were very young. She cleaned all the time. No one saw my mother without a broom. She didn't spend any time with us. The house was all she thought of......day in and day out. She never stopped long enough to give us a hug or talk to us. She was a stay-at-home Mom, and my father gave her a very good life. But she hated all of her children. If she liked us, it was really hard to tell. She fed us and made sure we had clothes....beyond that....nothing! Result of that kind of upbringing.....One brother is an alcoholic, one sibling an out-of-work drug addict, one has a violent temper and has been arrested for assault, one cheats on his wife and is a checked out Dad, and me.....I'm a resentful, bitter woman. My parents are old and in bad health today. No one has stepped up to help them. A cautionary tale for those who think the house comes first!

Maybe the same cleaner for your house & theirs if it's affordable (then it's not a "stranger"). Hiring family is a good option, as long as they do the actual work & don't think they are being hired just to "be" there.
Agreed about living your own life too -- & make sure you remember more about visiting them than cleaning the toilets!

Beautiful: Not sure why you addressed your post to me, but I am sorry:( I know about miserable people, parents who should not have been parents, and sad siblings. Life is a crap shoot. I hope you were able to do better and love your own children. Peace to you, Dear. xoxo

I know exactly what you mean.My mom lives in a little apartment that I had built on the side of my house,but I am her only friend in the whole world.She does not WANT anyone else,and gets resentful and sulks when I go out by myself,even if its a dr's appointment or car repair.Its getting worse and worse.Dont know how much worse it can get...

Eyerishlass, you really saw what's been going on in my heart. I'm so afraid that I have to do everything right! I'm afraid of the future, when I can see and remember all the things I did wrong! That's how I got myself into this mess. I know I need help, so I recently found three caregiver groups in my area. I simply must start going. I am very isolated, as this is a new city for me and I have no infrastructure, few friends, and I hate hearing myself complain on the phone to my old friends. Now I know what to say: I'm afraid of my regrets....

Desertporcupine, it will get as worse as you will LET it get. Stop giving in now to your own feelings of guilt. Set boundaries. My MIL wants nothing to do with anybody, not even me, except for her only son, her "second" husband. It gets worse. It never stops. It's been years of this hell since the day we got married. YOU have to stop it. Or YOU will drown in her neediness as she gives up on everything else in life. Nobody can carry such a burden. We even get babysitters for our children so we can come back to them refreshed and renewed. Please listen to what your heart, mind and body are telling you. YOU need a break.

Encouragement, peace, strength and guiltless time off wished for each and every caregiver struggling to do the best they can here. Hats off to all of you.

ChristinaW ......I directed the post to you when I saw your post about the lady you used to babysit for. You said she always had a messy house, but that she explained how the kids came first. It sent me back to my childhood and the consequences of putting the house before the kids. That's why : )

Beautiful, I gathered so many wonderful ideas and behaviors from older women I came across in my life from early childhood. I remember knocking on the door of a neighbor where my little brother was helping her with yard work. She stood at her front door and spoke to me kindly, looking in my eyes and listening when I spoke. I felt like she was interested in what I had to say. In my mind, I said: "I like that about her. I am going to remember and incorporate that trait as I develop myself." Of course, that is not exactly what I said, but it was the unspoken message I --or some other power-- gave to me. I always seemed to seek out surrogate mother figures since I did not have one that suited me. Funny to say that, as my Mother, now helpless and totally dependent on me for love and attention at 95. But, she was not loving or interested, she was angry and impatient, she never had time for us. I felt Ike I should be apologizing for being alive and in the way. I learned to never ask for anything, except piano lessons. I remember the first glimpse of that unwavering boldness in speaking out, also shaking a bit with fear and thinking-- oh no, now you're really going to get yelled at. But she did let me for 5 years starting the summer before I turned 6, then she got rid of the piano without telling me. I was 11, and it affected my ability to memorize music from then on. But I read music, which serves me well in my singing and I can accompany myself well enough on the piano.
Character builder. Sorry for carrying on about my childhood. I'm ok now :) xo

Addressing the strangers in house issue. My sister came in and cleaned with someone who was friends with her daughter, and who my parents had met before. Sis and this gal cleaned together a few times, then parents were okay as she was no longer a stranger.