only child ,mom has cancer and other health issues my dad does everything but is in poor health himself. I am a single 51 year old who works two jobs to support myself . I have a daughter who is a single parent and in addition to my parents I help out alot with my grandson. I am very overwhelmed and feel alot of guilt over the way I handle all the resposibility i feel towards my family. I have been cleaning for my parents and feel it is time to get some help. My mom does noy want stangers in her house and so I feel stuck. I told them I could no longer clean as I am really busy. I go over and the house is disgusting and I end up cleaning in a very resentful way. I know they will be gone someday and then I will be sorry for the way I handeled the situation. I have created the way the family depends on me yet now I feel like I no longer can keep up with all I am expected to do.Also I am scared because I dont know how to loose my parents and be in the world without them. I am alreadt grieving there loss as I know they will not be around much longer. I am aware this is a sacred time yet all the other stuff keeps getting in the way. I would br grateful for someones input as I am at my wits end. Thank you
I completely relate to what you said about feeling resentful yet worrying about how you're going to react when they pass away. I lived with that feeling everyday for over 5 years. I was so busy trying to create an environment in which I would have no regrets while at the same time killing myself to ensure I could someday say, "I did everything I could".
If I could go back to that woman I was in those moments I would tell her to not worry about making sure I would have no regrets. I would also tell her that she was doing the very best she could and that when it was all done and said and dad (in my case I cared for my dad) was gone those regrets passed with him for the most part.
My dad died 5 days ago and I guess if I sat around and really put some thought into it I could dredge up a few regrets but they don't trouble me the way I thought they would.
So practically speaking if you need help, get it! I understand that your mom doesn't want strangers in the house but if she wants to stay in her home then you need some help. Working 2 jobs and taking care of your own family and taking care of your parents is too much for one person to take on. Your resentment will grow, you'll become increasingly unhappy, and you may get to the point where you can't help them at all because you've run yourself into the ground.
It's not fair to you that your mom and dad are expecting you to take care of all of their needs. You're already guilt-ridden and full of resentment. Those feelings won't go away unless you go into therapy and with what you have on your plate, you don't have the time or the energy to see a therapist. If you need changes then you will have to make them. I'm not saying hire someone and yell "Good luck!" as you're walking out the door but you need some supplemental assistance.
Some elders are resistant to outside help, but they are also overwhelmed and probably in denial about their own situation.
My suggestion is to step back and be as matter of fact with them as you can. You have to get some objectivity and lose the emotion --as best you can!! I know it's not easy. Your Dad may understand, but he's worried about your Mom, no doubt, and she is perhaps exhausted.
You can get a housecleaning service in, or a combo caregiver housekeeper. I would detail exactly what you expect them to do--the biggest cleaning issues, and maybe you can do sporadic lighter tasks a couple times a week.
As with broaching any difficult subject to discuss, you need to have honest communication with them--whether they like it or not. That's the way it is. When one is strong, capable, a multi-tasker, efficient, kind and generous, that's what happens. You're in demand. Prioritize and take control so you are satisfied.
Take time to be with your parents as a daughter and don't sweat the annoying stuff. You are a good daughter, Mother and Gma. Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about all you are doing, Dear One:) xo