My clients want to overstep my caregiving role and try to make me into a confidant and buddy. I work with a lady who is so needy. There are a lot of aspects to her personality that I don't quite get, not being a counselor, but she wants more from me than I am comfortable giving. Basically I've been hired to make sure she is never alone, that she gets her meds and that she is safe. She needs constant assurance that she is liked. I feel sorry for her but sometimes I feel like she is trying to swallow me whole. Interestingly a lot of my clients are so desperate for a friend, maybe I'm being just to friendly and they are taking me the wrong way. Any ideas?
One of the things that I gave "gold stars" for at the residential care home my mother stayed at recently was that they understood this need for reserve immediately. They were friendly, but they didn't start in with her as though she were a close relative in need of a good old heart-to-heart. They called her by her title and surname until she told them otherwise. They allowed her privacy to help her get her bearings - no one hugged her, or patted her hand, or did any of the things that would have made her curl up and die inside.
I suppose some people thirst for company and conversation, and others are very wary. With this lady who's all over you like a rash, I don't think you ought to fake friendly feelings, even if it were possible; but do sympathise with her. She's clearly lonely, and I agree with many that alleviating loneliness is one of the most important things a professional caregiver can do.
I also take LadeeM's point that you are NOT a surrogate child. I can imagine some families do let that idea creep in - after all, they're paying a caregiver so that they don't have to watch their parent themselves, in a way, aren't they - but that really is unfair. And would they feel the same if the parent suddenly decided you deserved an inheritance, as "surrogate daughter"? - no, didn't think so!
You are there to ensure your client is safe, has her care needs met, and feels comfortable having you around her: be as politely clear about that as you need to be. If you're with her for a significant period of time, and get to know her, that's good and you may find that you begin to develop genuine feelings of affection for her. But they're not part of the care package, and you're not under contract to love her.
Sorry!
There is nothing wrong with forming a bond with this lady and it can be done with boundaries. Become her confidant but there's no need for you to share anything with her, in fact you shouldn't. Be her friend but that friendship can only go one way if you want to maintain a professional distance. So many of our elderly folks are very needy so let her need you. You are there for her and there's nothing wrong with allowing her to get close to you. That's what makes a good aide. I am a nurse who works in home healthcare for an agency and we have numerous aides who have had a positive impact on the families they work for. Working in healthcare may not be a good fit if you're uncomfortable with people getting close to you. If you feel like someone is swallowing you whole maybe find something else in healthcare that might be more comfortable for you. When I visit patient's homes I am devoured (continuing your metaphor). Families have lists of items they want to speak to me about, often their loved one (my patient) sits there having no idea what's being said and the aide also has concerns that need to be addressed usually in private. And this is when I'm barely over the threshold! I too do in-home work, usually for well-off patients who can afford my fee and I know how you feel. But going above and beyond is what makes what we do so great. I want our families to call the office and say, "Mary was so great, she did _________ with my mom and mom loved it. We want Mary back!" That's the kind of caregiver I want to employ. Be special! Let this lady get close to you. It's not like she's a part of your life, she's a client. And for the hours that you're there you can make her life so much nicer.
But if you are uncomfortable with this you shouldn't be in the home. Not every client is a good match for every aide and this continues to be a problem for you don't be too hard on yourself and maybe discuss it with your supervisor. We have aides with all kinds of reasons for not working with specific clients and we try to work with them and find them cases that they're comfortable with and I would hope that an aide would come to me and tell me that they're uncomfortable with a patient and tell me why so I can better staff that patient next time.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong but if you have it in you, you can be doing so much more for this lady if you want to be a Super Aide.
I also believe that it matters to respond Quickly to client comments or calls - even if the reply is, "no, wait a minute, I'll be there in soon," when you are cleaning or tidying up, or their requests come too often. But every time, the first times, you should go, and check. Any glitch can arise, and it matters to go and ask what's the matter. And be friendly in doing so.
I find it very sad that so much human caring has been delegated to "therapy". There are two sources of fears, I find - one is medication exaggerated requests which can come repeatedly. I find this sad - it is an effect of meds which is so unaddressed by doctors or health professionals - medications are often a quick fix, and few study the effects of long term use, on exaggerating the very symptoms they were given to prevent. I was shocked to learn that meds for diabetes actually cause and exaggerate food cravings - maybe as doses are waning, or whatever.
As a caregiver, I listen, respond, as I said, to the first two requests, instantly. Showing an instant response shows you care and are attuned to their needs. Then if there are repeated requests, I coach the person to wait or manage on their own for longer. "Wean them off the habit. I find that if I do this reliably, the person comes to trust that I am listening, will come, without blaming them.
It is the blame and avoidance , and self focus of the caregiver, that can actually show neglect, even as the caregiver is not aware of actual needs. This brings on more fear, less comfort - and less cooperation in self-care.
What is "too needy?" I understand "too often", but not "too needy". For what you see as an "excessive" need to have someone show they "like" them - may have come from inadequate life training in cooperating, collaborating and working with others. Isolated people need help to learn, not judgment for being needy.
It can help perhaps, for a caregiver to meditate on this more - many people show judgment today, as the media and public world teach young people to focus on pleasant and leave sadness to therapy, while finding instant communication on the internet. Then many judge slower people as "too needy." So the avoidance or judgment adds to the isolation, as people criticize or abandon them.
I had such different results when I really meditated about one man, who was grabby, when I realized his life had been spent with challenges of being different, for he was born with a disability - so he was often "spoiled" - such people may not learn how to collaborate with others and their whole lives are spent in the confusion of not being liked, for no one taught them, gradually, without negative judgment, or eagerness to protect others who can move faster - no one taught the isolated people, the skills of balancing their time - to enjoy being alone time, seek an alone-activity - and then balance that with shared time. Some women, left alone for years after children leave, are lost when they have not worked in any company - never learned the art of asking for companionship, in brief and well timed ways. In elder years, when memory is gone, their needs are expressed more - it's worth empathizing with the confusion and isolation that can be very real, in a society that puts so much focus, in media, on worlds of work and sports and men's ideas of a proper focus - which really applies mostly to the focus of the young and healthy. We often have not found ways of sharing what we can focus on at home - adding structure helps - music, drum, poetry, and just affirm the fun of exploring, AND empathizing that confusion is normal, and part of the process. Simple acceptance and cheerfulness of the caregiver around a person's annoying habits, can allow them to relax and learn, and a valuable relationship can grow. If one finds a client unworkable or really annoying, I think one should ask to work with a different client that they understand and relate to better.
Try to set up a list of diversions when the conversation turns to this...
Find a task to do with her...sort laundry, read a book out loud, listen to a song, point to a bird, flower or tree outside and ask her questions. Have some games (jenga, chinese checkers) or a puzzle. Turn the TV on to a wildlife/history or travel program. If you can't divert her use the telephone - call someone in her family she can talk to. I rotate family and friends on a daily/weekly basis.
"When you finish for the day and you return home at night, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested."