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My Mom is adamant that my older sister would never lie to her. I tried to tell my Mom - in the hospital - how my sister refused the medical care the Doctor was recommending for my Dad. I was there and watched it. My Sister would tell my Mother what she wanted her to know and would hold back exactly what the doctor was saying.
My Mother was so (out of it) she told my sister to answer the Doctors.
Now my Father is dead and my sister has kept everything a big secret from me and my brother. She handles all of my Mom's affairs and we are not allowed to ask any questions. I wish I could say I trust my sister to have my Mother's best interest at heart, but i cannot.
How can I know if my Mom is selling property or depleting her funds on behalf of my sister? My sister has moved to my Mother's city and state and will soon move in with my Mother. My sister has no retirement funds - so it leads me to believe my " Mother" will be her "retirement."
Because of the financial secrets, I am beginning to believe that my sister has influenced my Mother of my Love and Concern for her - and therefore has ill intent about my Mother's will.
She has filled my Mother with so much discontent about me that my own Mother will not answer my phone calls.
I am a christian - which is the only reason this is not eating me up inside. But it can leave a very lonely feeling some days to have no communication with my Mother.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?

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I'm sorry about this tough situation. It seems that you have two choices. One is to accept things as they are and try to visit as often as you can so that you can have some relationship with your mom and your sister. That means letting the money aspects go.

The other is to seek the help of an elder law attorney. This could help you keep track of the financial issues (if any laws are being violated) but could also completely destroy any relationship that you have with your sister and mother.

I understand that you feel left out and that you don't trust your sister - possibly for good reason. The problem is what to do about it. In the end it's your choice. Both of my ideas have been mentioned here by others here. Perhaps, if you keep reading this thread, you'll see other advice.

Whatever happens, I hope that you'll continue to update us so that you can receive some support and understanding.
Carol
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Been there, done that with four siblings. You are just going to have to let a higher power take over and let things go. If she has POA and MPOA there isn't much you can do. You do not say if your mother has dementia, and I am sorry for your loss (father). Most families have disagreements, so your case is not unusual. Try at least to talk with your sister so you can see your mother. Unless you have a lot of money, giving it to attorneys is a waste of time, energy and money. In the end, your mother will still die and you will be broke. Say some prayers for them both. Best wishes!
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This is repeated in almost all families. Even though I was the heir to an entire estate, I still put the paperwork and accounts on the desk of an attorney and said, make sure I am correct in my understanding and how I have handled the financial affairs. I am going to be telling the rest of the family that they are not entitled to even read the Trust or the Pour Over Will. (per attorney),however, it will only cause deeper resentment for me to do that. I will try to be cooperative and share their father's wishes. It does not matter what you do, it sounds like it will turn out with bad feelings. If you were to care for your mother, was there a document to this effect? I see nothing wrong with having the Estate pay for your housing to live with your parents - your gas for picking up prescriptions and food, and payment for your time. However, it is best to have everything in writing. We even did a contract for Care in addition to the POA's and the Will. Dot your I's and Cross your T's. You are never going to change the bad feeling that come from families over MONEY. If you feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing, then go for it. If you feel that you should be also assisting in your mother's care, get in touch with an attorney and elder services. She is your mother also.
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Have you considered hiring an eldercare attorney or at least seek a consultation with one, so you can better understand the laws of the state in which you live?
You will learn whether you have any rights by understanding the applicable laws of your state. By educating yourself, you will be able to evaluate your choices. Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but these matters are complicated.
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Have you consider not working about money will or past loses and only enjoying the now with your sister and mom visit them give them both gifts and enjoy the now in life you can't change the past or rehash it and you can't fortell the future things and money mean nothing bonded family means more no silver or gold will buy you heaven so why be worried about earthly goods
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I have but from the side of a caregiver. There are things I've not shared because it would cause someone pain and not change the outcome, because they weren't in a state to handle it as your mom sounds like she was in the hospital regarding your dad, or because they weren't very involved and a simple fact is with everything else to sift through and manage I didn't have time to explain or time to tell them everything second hand and then debate it over the phone when I had been in the ER all night or trying to find a specialist or trying to hire a backup caregiver or manage my own life. Caregiving is hard, time consuming work. It is stressful, worrisome work. It is rewarding but can be exhausting even on the best day. Your own life takes a backseat. After I had cared for my parents, sorted through the mess of their finances, and they passed away my sibs were interested with "I thought there was more." Really? Before they moved to me we had just barely sold the house in a short sale pending foreclosure. Meanwhile I did or paid for all the caregiving. Yet I feel for you too, not knowing, and I did understand where they were coming from, hoping there was life insurance or something (there had been, but our parents canceled it when budgets got tough). Also, she may not be making the same decisions you would but you probably don't have all the information and that doesn't mean she has any intent on doing harm either. If you really think she does, then you need to be there now. Right now. Or, maybe just be grateful she's moved her life so many times. In any case, respect it's simply hard to involve people who aren't there on a daily basis. Kuddos to those who can/do keep everyone updated, but I do suggest perspective that being there and sincere offers of your help (physical, emotional, and financial) could go a long way before making demands on a caregiver for more time and requests to detail finances if she is your mom's choice. And are you sure your questions about your moms finances don't sound off base to her? Have you always been a family that openly talked about finances? Did your parents always openly share their wills and bank balances with you? For her own reasons, my mom didn't want me to share that info with my siblings while she was alive. Just keep in mind, people are usually more willing to share if they have time in the first place, know the person (your mom) would want the information shared, and know 100% that the requester means to help versus make claims, accusations, or pass judgment. So check yourself that you're asking not to judge but to help with a real commitment of your time too.
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I have been there, except I am the one being accused of things that I would never think of...I took care of my aging father (after my Mother died) for seven years. My sister didn't do anything except accuse me of everything from alienating my father's feelings for her to stealing his money....She treated his caregivers during the last few years of his life like dirt and it resulted in so many of them leaving and even one of them taking her to court for harrassment. I was POA when my Father was alive and even though all financial records were available, she was never satisfied. When Dad passed, I became Executrix and the emotional abuse is ongoing. I have been more than fair to all the beneficiaries even to the detriment of myself....You have to see this from the side of the accused....especially when there is no reason to accuse....I have cut all contact with my sibling, except with the presence of others. I cannot deal with all the emotional drama. All I can say is make sure that your suspicions are grounded in fact and you are not clouded by family dynamics....
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At difficult times relationships within families do become strained. I also have only a small retirement plan - much of mine was lost when I CHOSE to give up work to care for my mum. Now I know there will be hordes that don't agree with me but I DO take money from mum for my care of her in the form of lodging and in food and I DONT deem that to be much since I was earning 50k a year, lost a lot in selling my property (Bought at the peak sold at the slump). Some things however cannot happen - Mum cannot gift me money. I cannot share in the purchase of home borne from the sale of her house for example. I cannot spend Mum's money down. I can however pay for my car tax since I run the car solely for her benefit, ditto gas for the car, I could if I so wished spend money on an extension so she has a wet room downstairs. Any money I spend I am accountable for as her POA and it has to be spent to benefit her. Only time will tell whether your sister has ill intent. If you are concerned that your mother is being financially abused or isolated from her family then you have the right to talk to the APS who would investigate but first you have to talk to your sister and if she won't communicate any other way then a visit might be a good idea.
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I'm puzzled, Lucylue. Your profile says, "I am caring for my mother, living at home and the primary ailment is mobility problems." But here you're saying your sister is "handling all of Mom's affairs." Are you saying you were taking care of your mother, but your sister shoved you aside and shut you out?
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We had a similar situation with my husband's only brother, who flat out told us he did not think of his parents' money as theirs alone and that he had not prepared for his retirement. Carol Bradley Bursack puts it into an expert nutshell. Feelings aside, you have two choices. My husband and his brother were co everything - POA, DPOA, executors, both on all bank accounts, even the deed of the house (big mistake because of course we paid capital gains on it when it sold which would not have been the case had it just passed to the heirs). The thing is, family dynamics and personalities are what they are. We thankfully did prepare for our retirement so we had no worries. In fact after so many back and forth, triangulating issues with crying Mom, belligerent brother, and all we decided that truthfully, she was living in a dreamworld that she created. She wanted the 'boys' to just 'get along'. Well, don't all parents want that? But in order for us to preserve her stuff from being sold, her wishes to be honored when she would be buried, everything, we would have had to take it to an attorney. It would have gotten nasty in the name of protecting her and she would have been more upset. She wanted to see things the way she wanted to see them - both of her 'kids' being successful on their own, both trustworthy, both acting in her best interest. She did not have dementia so really, she was making a choice. Our choice was to let go. We even told her to just leave everything to the brother but she didn't want to do that. But she insisted on making things be set up, with BIL in her ear, that cast aspersions on my husband when BIL was helping himself (he lived near and we didn't). Anyway, in the end I guess you have to decide what you need to do. Just bear in mind that if you bring legal assistance into it, it will most certainly get ugly. If your mom has enough to live on, even though things could be so much better if it were not the case, let your sister have the reins. You say you are Christian; you know you will never have a really good relationship with your sister over this. But you can give her over to God for any judgment and get on with your own life and be happy. We did that. MIL passed away two years ago, husband never speaks to his brother but then, they never really did have much in common and the common thread always was the parental tie. She passed away thinking all was ok for the most part. We would have brought her to a nicer place closer to us; her quality of life would have been better. But elderly people are adults who make choices. She made hers and we lived with them.
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