My Mom is adamant that my older sister would never lie to her. I tried to tell my Mom - in the hospital - how my sister refused the medical care the Doctor was recommending for my Dad. I was there and watched it. My Sister would tell my Mother what she wanted her to know and would hold back exactly what the doctor was saying.
My Mother was so (out of it) she told my sister to answer the Doctors.
Now my Father is dead and my sister has kept everything a big secret from me and my brother. She handles all of my Mom's affairs and we are not allowed to ask any questions. I wish I could say I trust my sister to have my Mother's best interest at heart, but i cannot.
How can I know if my Mom is selling property or depleting her funds on behalf of my sister? My sister has moved to my Mother's city and state and will soon move in with my Mother. My sister has no retirement funds - so it leads me to believe my " Mother" will be her "retirement."
Because of the financial secrets, I am beginning to believe that my sister has influenced my Mother of my Love and Concern for her - and therefore has ill intent about my Mother's will.
She has filled my Mother with so much discontent about me that my own Mother will not answer my phone calls.
I am a christian - which is the only reason this is not eating me up inside. But it can leave a very lonely feeling some days to have no communication with my Mother.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?
You will learn whether you have any rights by understanding the applicable laws of your state. By educating yourself, you will be able to evaluate your choices. Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but these matters are complicated.
The other is to seek the help of an elder law attorney. This could help you keep track of the financial issues (if any laws are being violated) but could also completely destroy any relationship that you have with your sister and mother.
I understand that you feel left out and that you don't trust your sister - possibly for good reason. The problem is what to do about it. In the end it's your choice. Both of my ideas have been mentioned here by others here. Perhaps, if you keep reading this thread, you'll see other advice.
Whatever happens, I hope that you'll continue to update us so that you can receive some support and understanding.
Carol
Some doctors want to keep someone alive at any cost. They may not consider quality of life. For people who have significant medical problems and/or are terminally ill, undergoing numerous and prolonged treatments may not be a good option. I try to keep that in mind before judging other people's decisions for their loved ones. It's not always about the money. I have found that if you have the responsibility you should educate yourself about the condition and research the options, question the doctor and make a thoughtful decision based on what your loved one has conveyed to you regarding their wishes.
The choices I have had to make come down to: Did/does my Father know what my sibling was/is doing?-Yes; Has my Father given permission for those things to happen?-Yes; Is my Father competent?-up until this past couple weeks, yes; Do I really care where the stuff goes?-No.
It was in realizing that I really don't care about the stuff that I knew hiring an attorney wasn't for me. There are other details, but I won't go into them here. As long as my sibling doesn't ask me for money, I am willing to let him go his way. And, yes, with Dad's stuff. Some people can't be saved from themselves and it's best to steer clear of their drama.
But, you'll have to answer those questions for yourself. Sometimes you have to rely on what you CAN do and try to let go of the rest. It's a big revelation to realize how many things are beyond our control. Admitting it and dealing with it are two of the hardest things to do. Especially when its a parent making decisions that you don't think were/are in their best interests.
Actually your question has quite a bit of info in it. Your older sister has taken control of your Mom; she held back info from Mom regarding your Father's medical state and it sounds like you fault her for your Father's death. Sister is keeping "everything" a big secret from you. You are surely always allowed to ask questions, but you apparently are not getting answers.
Your question is about Mom's property sales and money management...if sister is getting Mom's money. Real estate sales are recorded by the county; a broker in Mom's town could tell you if her property comes on the market. You won't know about loans on the house, however.
If Mom is competent mentally, what she does with her money while she is alive is her darned business. If she gives it all to sister, or to homeless cats, that's her business. If she is defrauded by a liar, that should be reported to the police as theft. If Mom wants to fund Sister's retirement, that's her decision.
I notice you say Mom won't answer your daily phone calls. Perhaps calling that often is not helpful. Call less frequently. Also, if you are irritating your Mom by asking challenging questions or engaging in bashing on your older sister, no wonder Mom does not want to talk to you. If you feel Mom is being abused or has dementia and is a vulnerable adult, you can report her to the Adult Protective Services who may decide to evaluate her.
You Mother's will, which you mention, has already been written. If she is competent, she may decide to change it, I know mine did, and cut you or your brother out altogether. You need to assume you will get nothing of financial value from Mom's possessions.
All this is assuming Sister is the Durable Power of Attorney. If she is not, or Brother or you are the DPOA, and Sis just took over,... time to get elder law attorney, mostly to educate you on what your options are. This is all such difficult stuff to deal with, my sympathies.
Good luck. Stop thinking about the money and possessions and worry about the person.
It means that there is a continuum if any of the POAS fall ill or no longer want to continue as POA.
The major problem you have with POAs if you have more than one and that US banks don't seem to have gotten their heads round (any more than UK banks have) is that as a POA they rarely let you have your own ATM card for your Mum UNLESS there is only one POA.
This is because in the event of fraud they won't know who withdrew the money - UTTER TOSH the cards are flaming numbered for goodness sake but that is their theory! So as it stands you probably won't tell your bank you have POA AND ARE USING IT because the second you do they will discontinue Mums card - ....you have been drawing on it using her pin? - then that is fraud to!!!!
Utter madness but that's the way of things. I might say not ALL banks behave this way but it is worth checking them out in advance and being prepared for your own old age!!!
BTW POAs can only be appointed by the individual if they have the mental capacity to make that choice - if they do then whether or not you like their decision it is their decision I am afraid - if you doubt capacity then you can challenge but it is then a court matter and they will either take over guardianship or appoint a guardian
Thats it as far as I understand it but please don't take my word for it CHECK CHECK AND CHECK AGAIN
If anyone had told me, 20 years ago, that this would be responsibility to satisfy all my greedy siblings, I would have moved to Antarctica, gladly.
Except for the fact that I really loved my mother and father, and felt it was my duty to care for them.
The last thing a caregiver needs, is more work!