Follow
Share

My Mom is adamant that my older sister would never lie to her. I tried to tell my Mom - in the hospital - how my sister refused the medical care the Doctor was recommending for my Dad. I was there and watched it. My Sister would tell my Mother what she wanted her to know and would hold back exactly what the doctor was saying.
My Mother was so (out of it) she told my sister to answer the Doctors.
Now my Father is dead and my sister has kept everything a big secret from me and my brother. She handles all of my Mom's affairs and we are not allowed to ask any questions. I wish I could say I trust my sister to have my Mother's best interest at heart, but i cannot.
How can I know if my Mom is selling property or depleting her funds on behalf of my sister? My sister has moved to my Mother's city and state and will soon move in with my Mother. My sister has no retirement funds - so it leads me to believe my " Mother" will be her "retirement."
Because of the financial secrets, I am beginning to believe that my sister has influenced my Mother of my Love and Concern for her - and therefore has ill intent about my Mother's will.
She has filled my Mother with so much discontent about me that my own Mother will not answer my phone calls.
I am a christian - which is the only reason this is not eating me up inside. But it can leave a very lonely feeling some days to have no communication with my Mother.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

28 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Earning distrust, that began when they began making unreasonable requests. There's a lot more going on than I can divulge here. My parents trusted me enough to have me handle their affairs -- any court would agree with that, and see right through the ridiculousness of their demands, which are like those of children.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I think that the rationalization that you just don't feel an obligation to do more work than you are already doing is not excusable. It doesn't actually take that much time. Is as If you can't balance the whole picture of the job, you can just omit what you don't like doing or putting up with in terms of the rest of your family. Nobody is going to trust you. And you are earning that distrust.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Transparency is great, except when the siblings are living their lives far out of state and not involved with parents' care, it then becomes an additional task for the parents and POA to provide documentation to these absent siblings. So, as my mom's POA, I did provide periodic updates---but you know what, as soon as you send an email about some health condition or some issue with their house needing repair, it was an "invitation" to these out of state sibs to Tell the POA Exactly What to Do. So, quite naturally, instead of telling them where to shove it, I just didn't tell them anything except the most important events, because I did not want them telling me how to do things. So yes, transparency sounds like a great idea (politicians have often promised this, but never deliver....) but when in actual day-to-day living, it becomes an additional burden, the caregiver does NOT want to have more work to do, and should not have to, especially if the siblings took every update as an invitation to tell me what I was doing wrong, or there is a better way to do it and I'm gonna spend the next 20 minutes telling you, and (threaten) if you don't do it this way, then "we've gotcha" because you did it a lesser way. Or something like that.
The last thing a caregiver needs, is more work!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Transparency can go a long way in keeping integrity foremost in handling of a parent's property or money. As soon as you are invoking ideas such "you are not entitled to see" something, you should be doubting how much integrity you are actually acting with in your decisions. When you are acting with integrity, you can be transparent. Its partial truth, hidden information, and refusal to answer with facts that cultivates distrust. Far too commonly, there is dishonest and self serving behavior by children of the elderly who rationalize what they are doing in their own complicated way. Having a lawyer can cost a large amount of money and doesn't fix the ethics of a sibling. Your sister should be willing to provide financial records of bank accounts and of spending, and of her choices if they are honest and justified. She should not have to hide that information.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
susieg...sounds like my lat times with MOM and siblings..they fought for 3 yrs AFTER she passed even though her sole possession her home was in a living will in all 3 of OUR names. After lawyers X3 and a court appointed one due to brother abusing sisters dog-sister moving in house- we ended up selling far below home price and receiving a third of what MOM intended for us. ME..I lost respect and thus LOVE for them..Brother passed 5 yrs later...fast...at 62 yrs....sister ..i wont contact or speak to..enough abuse! My children and I loved and cared for MOM till her passing, cried and laughed with her, tended to her after hip replacement, traveled to where she wanted, ate with her...just plain loved her 89 yrs she passed . WE STILL LOVE HER!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sounds like your strategy for getting your mother on your side rather than your sister's is to tell her how wrong/bad/untrustworthy your sister is. What a horrible situation for your mother; you're asking her to pick between you. If a visit from you means having to listen to how her other daughter harmed her dead husband, can you see how that's more likely to make her cringe at the prospect of seeing you than to get her to love or trust YOU more? If you really want to compete with your sister for mommy's love, at least do it by showing how worthy YOU are, being kind and thoughtful to her, by finding ways to really help, rather than by claiming how UNworthy your sister is. Even better would be to outgrow the competition stage and figure out how to work together.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
you know what, my mom is gone and dead, and my siblings are STILL trying to poke holes into her business, accusing me of wrongdoing, wanting to see every last iota of her accounts, it is nauseating.
If anyone had told me, 20 years ago, that this would be responsibility to satisfy all my greedy siblings, I would have moved to Antarctica, gladly.
Except for the fact that I really loved my mother and father, and felt it was my duty to care for them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
POAS Can be joint or JOINT AND SEVERAL. Joint POAS require both parties sign all legal documents which on the face of it sounds good until you realise that if one or other is on holiday/in hospital becomes ill especially with dementia then the POA is no longer a working one. Joint and Several means that their are more than one POA (As many as is deemed suitable actually) but they can each act independently of each other which is brilliant if Mum spends any length of time with each of them - i.e. if Mum stays 6 months with you and 6 months with a sibling/friend or relative.

It means that there is a continuum if any of the POAS fall ill or no longer want to continue as POA.

The major problem you have with POAs if you have more than one and that US banks don't seem to have gotten their heads round (any more than UK banks have) is that as a POA they rarely let you have your own ATM card for your Mum UNLESS there is only one POA.

This is because in the event of fraud they won't know who withdrew the money - UTTER TOSH the cards are flaming numbered for goodness sake but that is their theory! So as it stands you probably won't tell your bank you have POA AND ARE USING IT because the second you do they will discontinue Mums card - ....you have been drawing on it using her pin? - then that is fraud to!!!!

Utter madness but that's the way of things. I might say not ALL banks behave this way but it is worth checking them out in advance and being prepared for your own old age!!!

BTW POAs can only be appointed by the individual if they have the mental capacity to make that choice - if they do then whether or not you like their decision it is their decision I am afraid - if you doubt capacity then you can challenge but it is then a court matter and they will either take over guardianship or appoint a guardian

Thats it as far as I understand it but please don't take my word for it CHECK CHECK AND CHECK AGAIN
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Most Court houses have public computers in the hallways. Take time , go and put the address and your mothers last name into the computer and pull up the history. This is PUBLIC information and is not private.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I did not know there could be TWO POA's on a Person. The Realtors in town can look at the Tax records, through the Title company and it will show if there are any loans against the property. Being a Trustee is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have to agree not to call too often. If the POA is not willing to allow you into the picture, you need an attorney. Why is everyone so concerned about getting the money. I know that was the hardest thing for me. When the kids started asking the day after he died to see the Trust and the Will, I knew where their heads were. We need to start thinking about the well being of the patient. If someone has illegally cut you out, get an attorney. It will be easy for the attorney to get you back into position if you are a child of the patient. There is no benefit on fighting with the siblings. It gets you nowhere fast. Find an attorney and call a Realtor and see if the home is on the market. I believe you have the right as anyone public to go to the Title Company and have them pull up the Property History. You will have to pay for the copies, but GO GET IT. Every title company has the same documents. Just look one up near your mom's home. Do you have the TAX ID number? if not, don't worry, just the last name and address will do.

Good luck. Stop thinking about the money and possessions and worry about the person.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
LucyLue,
Actually your question has quite a bit of info in it. Your older sister has taken control of your Mom; she held back info from Mom regarding your Father's medical state and it sounds like you fault her for your Father's death. Sister is keeping "everything" a big secret from you. You are surely always allowed to ask questions, but you apparently are not getting answers.
Your question is about Mom's property sales and money management...if sister is getting Mom's money. Real estate sales are recorded by the county; a broker in Mom's town could tell you if her property comes on the market. You won't know about loans on the house, however.
If Mom is competent mentally, what she does with her money while she is alive is her darned business. If she gives it all to sister, or to homeless cats, that's her business. If she is defrauded by a liar, that should be reported to the police as theft. If Mom wants to fund Sister's retirement, that's her decision.
I notice you say Mom won't answer your daily phone calls. Perhaps calling that often is not helpful. Call less frequently. Also, if you are irritating your Mom by asking challenging questions or engaging in bashing on your older sister, no wonder Mom does not want to talk to you. If you feel Mom is being abused or has dementia and is a vulnerable adult, you can report her to the Adult Protective Services who may decide to evaluate her.
You Mother's will, which you mention, has already been written. If she is competent, she may decide to change it, I know mine did, and cut you or your brother out altogether. You need to assume you will get nothing of financial value from Mom's possessions.
All this is assuming Sister is the Durable Power of Attorney. If she is not, or Brother or you are the DPOA, and Sis just took over,... time to get elder law attorney, mostly to educate you on what your options are. This is all such difficult stuff to deal with, my sympathies.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am faced with a similar situation. My sibling is caregiver for my Dad who was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. Said sibling hasn't had a job since moving in with Dad years ago, uses Dad's debit card, doesn't resolve his own debts, only calls me when he needs money. Has always been secretive about money, so no surprise that he gets mad if I ask questions about money or Dad's care.

The choices I have had to make come down to: Did/does my Father know what my sibling was/is doing?-Yes; Has my Father given permission for those things to happen?-Yes; Is my Father competent?-up until this past couple weeks, yes; Do I really care where the stuff goes?-No.

It was in realizing that I really don't care about the stuff that I knew hiring an attorney wasn't for me. There are other details, but I won't go into them here. As long as my sibling doesn't ask me for money, I am willing to let him go his way. And, yes, with Dad's stuff. Some people can't be saved from themselves and it's best to steer clear of their drama.

But, you'll have to answer those questions for yourself. Sometimes you have to rely on what you CAN do and try to let go of the rest. It's a big revelation to realize how many things are beyond our control. Admitting it and dealing with it are two of the hardest things to do. Especially when its a parent making decisions that you don't think were/are in their best interests.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Sometimes doctors recommend medical measures that really are pointless when a person is failing. This was the case with both my dad and my BIL. The measures would have been uncomfortable or painful, would have only prolonged their lives with no quality of life or hope of any sort of recovery. And they would have been against their express wishes. I never faulted my sister for her decisions regarding our dad, but felt bad that she had to deal with it and the pain of having to say no. I don't think she ever told our mom (she was out of town when Dad passed) about what they proposed or having to deal with their insistence.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Correction: wherewithal
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I would definitely hire an attorney. You don't have the "wherewithall" to handle this. Catgoodness, could you kindly add some periods and commas to your post? It is difficult to discern what you are saying.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Some people don't seem to be cut out to be the POA or HCPOA, but I try to consider the particular facts of a situation. Maybe I don't know all the details.

Some doctors want to keep someone alive at any cost. They may not consider quality of life. For people who have significant medical problems and/or are terminally ill, undergoing numerous and prolonged treatments may not be a good option. I try to keep that in mind before judging other people's decisions for their loved ones. It's not always about the money. I have found that if you have the responsibility you should educate yourself about the condition and research the options, question the doctor and make a thoughtful decision based on what your loved one has conveyed to you regarding their wishes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My sister and I have bumped heads to the point of no turning back. I often tell her to get involved. I am not saying, in the fiances, but to get involved in the emotional hardship of day to day of taking care of your mother. I do not know if you do. I know I do not care at all about the money but my sister makes enough comments that it angers me not to mention hurts. poa should be something just to look out for moms care. Even as I am also the poa, I offer all and anything to my sister to get involved. She does nothing year to year concerning moms daily care. In my case she only seems to worry about the money and not the true issue of our mother and all the cares she requirers every day. Maybe try to sit down and offer to split the time of taking care of your mom, then offer to be involved with the finances. If you are willing to help her 50/50 then she should be fair and offer to let you be 100 percent involved in everything. It is so sad that this illness seems to wipe away not only the good memories but the trust, love, and support of the entire family.If you live close, you have every right to visit and build any relationship you want with your mother. It sounds like your sister is very angry and refusing to work with anyone. No matter what, your sister owes you the respect of letting you and your brother know her intentions. Good luck and if there is any way to grab on to whats left between you, try to salvage it. I send you a hug.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I have been there, except I am the one being accused of things that I would never think of...I took care of my aging father (after my Mother died) for seven years. My sister didn't do anything except accuse me of everything from alienating my father's feelings for her to stealing his money....She treated his caregivers during the last few years of his life like dirt and it resulted in so many of them leaving and even one of them taking her to court for harrassment. I was POA when my Father was alive and even though all financial records were available, she was never satisfied. When Dad passed, I became Executrix and the emotional abuse is ongoing. I have been more than fair to all the beneficiaries even to the detriment of myself....You have to see this from the side of the accused....especially when there is no reason to accuse....I have cut all contact with my sibling, except with the presence of others. I cannot deal with all the emotional drama. All I can say is make sure that your suspicions are grounded in fact and you are not clouded by family dynamics....
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Sad to say, but my mother died in 1985. From that date on, my relationship with my sister had never healed. My relationship with my brother is so so. I never was able to mend the tare. My brother and sister kept me out of the distribution of the personal belongings. However I did get my share of the money. There is so much resentment between my sister and I. She is living with the guilt of taking all of my mother's beautiful jewelry. I had two pieces and she even wants me to give her those. People act like little children when it comes to the Estate. It is sad.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This is repeated in almost all families. Even though I was the heir to an entire estate, I still put the paperwork and accounts on the desk of an attorney and said, make sure I am correct in my understanding and how I have handled the financial affairs. I am going to be telling the rest of the family that they are not entitled to even read the Trust or the Pour Over Will. (per attorney),however, it will only cause deeper resentment for me to do that. I will try to be cooperative and share their father's wishes. It does not matter what you do, it sounds like it will turn out with bad feelings. If you were to care for your mother, was there a document to this effect? I see nothing wrong with having the Estate pay for your housing to live with your parents - your gas for picking up prescriptions and food, and payment for your time. However, it is best to have everything in writing. We even did a contract for Care in addition to the POA's and the Will. Dot your I's and Cross your T's. You are never going to change the bad feeling that come from families over MONEY. If you feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing, then go for it. If you feel that you should be also assisting in your mother's care, get in touch with an attorney and elder services. She is your mother also.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
We had a similar situation with my husband's only brother, who flat out told us he did not think of his parents' money as theirs alone and that he had not prepared for his retirement. Carol Bradley Bursack puts it into an expert nutshell. Feelings aside, you have two choices. My husband and his brother were co everything - POA, DPOA, executors, both on all bank accounts, even the deed of the house (big mistake because of course we paid capital gains on it when it sold which would not have been the case had it just passed to the heirs). The thing is, family dynamics and personalities are what they are. We thankfully did prepare for our retirement so we had no worries. In fact after so many back and forth, triangulating issues with crying Mom, belligerent brother, and all we decided that truthfully, she was living in a dreamworld that she created. She wanted the 'boys' to just 'get along'. Well, don't all parents want that? But in order for us to preserve her stuff from being sold, her wishes to be honored when she would be buried, everything, we would have had to take it to an attorney. It would have gotten nasty in the name of protecting her and she would have been more upset. She wanted to see things the way she wanted to see them - both of her 'kids' being successful on their own, both trustworthy, both acting in her best interest. She did not have dementia so really, she was making a choice. Our choice was to let go. We even told her to just leave everything to the brother but she didn't want to do that. But she insisted on making things be set up, with BIL in her ear, that cast aspersions on my husband when BIL was helping himself (he lived near and we didn't). Anyway, in the end I guess you have to decide what you need to do. Just bear in mind that if you bring legal assistance into it, it will most certainly get ugly. If your mom has enough to live on, even though things could be so much better if it were not the case, let your sister have the reins. You say you are Christian; you know you will never have a really good relationship with your sister over this. But you can give her over to God for any judgment and get on with your own life and be happy. We did that. MIL passed away two years ago, husband never speaks to his brother but then, they never really did have much in common and the common thread always was the parental tie. She passed away thinking all was ok for the most part. We would have brought her to a nicer place closer to us; her quality of life would have been better. But elderly people are adults who make choices. She made hers and we lived with them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I'm puzzled, Lucylue. Your profile says, "I am caring for my mother, living at home and the primary ailment is mobility problems." But here you're saying your sister is "handling all of Mom's affairs." Are you saying you were taking care of your mother, but your sister shoved you aside and shut you out?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I have but from the side of a caregiver. There are things I've not shared because it would cause someone pain and not change the outcome, because they weren't in a state to handle it as your mom sounds like she was in the hospital regarding your dad, or because they weren't very involved and a simple fact is with everything else to sift through and manage I didn't have time to explain or time to tell them everything second hand and then debate it over the phone when I had been in the ER all night or trying to find a specialist or trying to hire a backup caregiver or manage my own life. Caregiving is hard, time consuming work. It is stressful, worrisome work. It is rewarding but can be exhausting even on the best day. Your own life takes a backseat. After I had cared for my parents, sorted through the mess of their finances, and they passed away my sibs were interested with "I thought there was more." Really? Before they moved to me we had just barely sold the house in a short sale pending foreclosure. Meanwhile I did or paid for all the caregiving. Yet I feel for you too, not knowing, and I did understand where they were coming from, hoping there was life insurance or something (there had been, but our parents canceled it when budgets got tough). Also, she may not be making the same decisions you would but you probably don't have all the information and that doesn't mean she has any intent on doing harm either. If you really think she does, then you need to be there now. Right now. Or, maybe just be grateful she's moved her life so many times. In any case, respect it's simply hard to involve people who aren't there on a daily basis. Kuddos to those who can/do keep everyone updated, but I do suggest perspective that being there and sincere offers of your help (physical, emotional, and financial) could go a long way before making demands on a caregiver for more time and requests to detail finances if she is your mom's choice. And are you sure your questions about your moms finances don't sound off base to her? Have you always been a family that openly talked about finances? Did your parents always openly share their wills and bank balances with you? For her own reasons, my mom didn't want me to share that info with my siblings while she was alive. Just keep in mind, people are usually more willing to share if they have time in the first place, know the person (your mom) would want the information shared, and know 100% that the requester means to help versus make claims, accusations, or pass judgment. So check yourself that you're asking not to judge but to help with a real commitment of your time too.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Been there, done that with four siblings. You are just going to have to let a higher power take over and let things go. If she has POA and MPOA there isn't much you can do. You do not say if your mother has dementia, and I am sorry for your loss (father). Most families have disagreements, so your case is not unusual. Try at least to talk with your sister so you can see your mother. Unless you have a lot of money, giving it to attorneys is a waste of time, energy and money. In the end, your mother will still die and you will be broke. Say some prayers for them both. Best wishes!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
At difficult times relationships within families do become strained. I also have only a small retirement plan - much of mine was lost when I CHOSE to give up work to care for my mum. Now I know there will be hordes that don't agree with me but I DO take money from mum for my care of her in the form of lodging and in food and I DONT deem that to be much since I was earning 50k a year, lost a lot in selling my property (Bought at the peak sold at the slump). Some things however cannot happen - Mum cannot gift me money. I cannot share in the purchase of home borne from the sale of her house for example. I cannot spend Mum's money down. I can however pay for my car tax since I run the car solely for her benefit, ditto gas for the car, I could if I so wished spend money on an extension so she has a wet room downstairs. Any money I spend I am accountable for as her POA and it has to be spent to benefit her. Only time will tell whether your sister has ill intent. If you are concerned that your mother is being financially abused or isolated from her family then you have the right to talk to the APS who would investigate but first you have to talk to your sister and if she won't communicate any other way then a visit might be a good idea.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I'm sorry about this tough situation. It seems that you have two choices. One is to accept things as they are and try to visit as often as you can so that you can have some relationship with your mom and your sister. That means letting the money aspects go.

The other is to seek the help of an elder law attorney. This could help you keep track of the financial issues (if any laws are being violated) but could also completely destroy any relationship that you have with your sister and mother.

I understand that you feel left out and that you don't trust your sister - possibly for good reason. The problem is what to do about it. In the end it's your choice. Both of my ideas have been mentioned here by others here. Perhaps, if you keep reading this thread, you'll see other advice.

Whatever happens, I hope that you'll continue to update us so that you can receive some support and understanding.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Have you considered hiring an eldercare attorney or at least seek a consultation with one, so you can better understand the laws of the state in which you live?
You will learn whether you have any rights by understanding the applicable laws of your state. By educating yourself, you will be able to evaluate your choices. Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, but these matters are complicated.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Have you consider not working about money will or past loses and only enjoying the now with your sister and mom visit them give them both gifts and enjoy the now in life you can't change the past or rehash it and you can't fortell the future things and money mean nothing bonded family means more no silver or gold will buy you heaven so why be worried about earthly goods
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter