My mother is a narcissist who was never really there for me if it didn’t suit her needs. She attempted suicide when I was 12. I was the one who found her and got help. She moved out to live with her BF, later to become her husband, when I was 14 under the guise of my brother and I needing a more fatherly influence. My dad moved back in at that time whom I’m very close with to this day. She divorced her husband of 35 years in her mid 70’s (he was approaching 80) because she “did not want to have to take care of an old man and use whatever financial resources she had left on his care and well-being”. He supported her and treated her like a princess their entire marriage. I moved her in with me and my 21 year old son (I’m 58) 6 months ago (seemed like a good and necessary idea at the time). Things became much more difficult over time, especially in dealing with her anxiety and other mental health issues (she has untreatable lung disease and early dementia too). She went in to what we thought would be short term care to address her psych issues and get her meds right. I have since been advised by every doctor who had seen her that she can no longer get the support she needs at home and needs 24/7 care and supervision. She completely disagrees and begs and pleads with me to “bring her home”. I’ve told her we are going by the doctors recommendations and will make changes if/when appropriate. Now she verbally attacks me saying I put her in there and I’m the reason she can’t return home. She called a few weeks ago and I answered “hi mom”. She replied “f*** you” then told me she’s onto my schemes, that all I wanted was her furniture and this was my plan all along. She leaves many messages saying the same stuff. I’ve stopped listening to her messages. I should also mention I have a brother who is like an appendix. Does nothing and only causes problems. I’ve been the only person on this planet who has taken care of her and looked after her well-being since she got sick about 5 years ago, sometimes to a fault which is something I’m working on. Setting boundaries that is. I’m guessing now she is contrite and apologetic but that’s just her manipulative ways. It won’t last if she doesn’t get what she wants. I told my brother three weeks ago I am washing my hands of my mom and turning her over to the facility or county and he can step up or not but I’ve had enough. I should also mention I am in recovery with 2 years sober and cannot risk my sobriety for anyone. So I have not spoken with her for 3 weeks and counting and I feel much better as a result. I do have a profound sense of sadness for her and the situation she’s in, although I do believe it’s the safest and best place for her well-being. I just can’t deal with the verbal attacks any longer. I say it’s just words and it doesn’t bother me but that’s just not true. It weighs very heavily on me at this point. She was never really there for me growing up and I feel, and have been told by everyone who knows the situation, that I have gone above and beyond for my mom and have nothing to feel guilty or bad about. At this point, I’d be ok with never speaking with her again. Only time will tell. I’ve received advice to contact her once in a while but I know it’ll just be more attacks and accusations. Plus it brings up a lot of the stuff I drank at to avoid having to deal with. I’ve also been advised by others to cut her off, at least for the time being. Cutting her off seems so cold. I’ve tried to engage but she makes it very difficult so this appears to be my best option. I also started therapy to help navigate through this. It’s hard to see the forest from the trees at the moment and I am second guessing myself. I will not, however, play the victim card. My life, my choices and my consequences but WTF!
* I would say, as an outsider, that you need to 'come to terms' with what is and what was by way of releasing your anger (and loving the child within YOU who didn't have the loving mother every child needs (I didn't either). In essence, I had to create a PART OF ME to be my loving supportive mother to ANOTHER PART of me as the (now) adult to that wounded child within.
* This is a process. It requires that a person (me, you) learn to love our self - in ways we didn't get as children.
* I also had to learn to feel compassion for my mother who 'did the best she could' even if it was destructive/wounding to me. She didn't know any better AND had mental health / brain chemistry that prevented her from being there in healthy ways - to herself - and to me / her children. These are aspects of AWARENESS to and of COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, LETTING GO = healing.
* If you want to release the wounding and weight of pain you feel now, I believe these are the components / awareness / processes necessary to do that.
* You may need to step back from you mom 'now' to allow yourself the time and energy to get there - here, to be available to her in healthy ways.
* Of course, I have regrets in how I interacted with my mother. She was a "needy' funnel who needed constant filling up. I, too, did the best I could growing up and being an adult, needing a mother. SELF and OTHER FORGIVENESS is essential to move on. This took a lot of work on my part. However, if I want(ed) to be a fully functioning being, I had to do this inner process work: COMPASSION, SELF ACCEPTANCE, FORGIVENESS. These healing qualities cannot be forced, it is a process of awareness to move forward by way of through; they must be felt.
* While I didn't do with a therapist, it certainly could help to have professional support.
* Do realize that you need 100% unconditional love and that you are the only person that can give that to YOU. Hug yourself. Often. Create affirmations for yourself and YOUR MOTHER. She is in her own kind of pain, too. You do not need to be swept up in it; just be next to it / her in a visualization . . . like sitting next to a lake. Don't jump in. Just be there with it (this is part of the model of FOCUSING-one of my favorite modalities of healing. Gena
He has been a constant source of manipulation my whole life and dementia has not altered the process.
I can only empathise with Robert not advise him as I can't take advice myself.
Fortunately, My Mom did settle into her nursing home and I was able to spend Wednesday afternoons with her for a few years. We had wonderful visits, but it took a long time to get there.
She got her medications for her anxiety under control and we developed a beautiful relationship - I never had when I was younger.
You need to take care of yourself before you can be there for your Mom. I wish you luck and know you are no good for your Mom unless you are healthy and in a good place.
Take Care
THIS is where she will become no longer able to move around with a walker, but be stuck in a wheelchair and then a Broda-chair/rolling bed-- which is like a big rolling baby crib--- then in will pop Hospice-- which will be even less attentive than the regular Assisted Living memory care staff.
NOW -- this is a time for a wake-up call--- which will speak not about how she treated you, but how you humanely treat her in her last few years-- because--- yes-- it is true-- many of these places are--- where someone comes to die. NOW---- think about how the better hearts and souls of your family would expect you to do the "right thing" for them and think about how this little page of history is preparing you for caring for them. AND really-- you are doing a good job laying off the booze and all-- so do not think about any relapsing-- cause it ain't gonna happen--- now go be the one who is Bigger, and stronger, and more capable than she is. The Good Lord said it on the cross-- before He died-- Forgive them, they do not know what they are doing. And the truth is most of them don't. Hopefully we it is our turn to leave this place we will behave more like the humans we were raised to be. And be a small burden to our loved ones. ( amen). ( 0h-- my Mom cussed me something fierce-- but later did not remember it-- and before she died-- got kissed many times on her forehead and actually smiled like an Angel... She died with look of curiosity on her face-- maybe she did not think she was going to be allowed into the Good Place...)
Did your Mom ever have a religious experience before-- well-- when her fuddy is duddy enuf ( in total decline) -- have a Preacher come and lead her in the sinner's prayer and get her soul ready for eternity.
I feel your pain and have a very similar story myself. You are not alone. I am 61 and my mom was 83 when she died a month ago from Covid. I took my mom's car keys away in November and she was very abusive with me about that. A month later, I put her in a skilled nursing group home because she fell all the time and was spending more time in the hospital - or laying on the floor refusing to call for help - than at home) She fought with me about every step of the way including some of the same language your mom used (You want to put me away and take my stuff...) I found this forum and was encouraged by the support of others in similar situations. I come from a sexually abusive family (me and my two sisters).
I have two thoughts for you. 1) Do you want a relationship with your mother. It is a yes or no question but can be complicated. If the answer is no then you have no obligation to care for your mother. Cut her loose and go on with your life as if she was a stranger. If the answer is yes (as was my case), then you have to realize that old age and dementia factor into your strategy.
I basically had to disassociate myself from the parent/child paradigm and view my mother as a sick old lady who needed care. Based on MY decision to take responsibility for my mother, I had to cowboy-up and deal with the insults etc. as if I were dealing with a 4 year old child. If you stay in this relationship, you have to realize that things have changed. She is no longer the "mom", but a sick old lady.
It is tough. I know. Best of luck to you.
Don’t feel guilty, move on and look after yourself. I realised that there were people in my life that wanted the old happy me, not the broken, stressed, sad, angry person that I had become. Live YOUR life.
You've done your best. Counselling is a good idea but sobriety is a better one. As people have said, you need to look after yourself. And forget the BS.
If you look at my page, I have had a few dramas with my elderly Dad. It's been close to a year now and I haven't spoken to him, it is such a relief. I go around and see my Mum who still lives with him but I don't even turn my head to look at him. Not because I hate him, but I'm so tired of the BS. He can't help it and I won't take it anymore.
For a while he yelled and swore each time he saw me, then he realised he wasn't getting an emotional reaction (I work with disabled children, and I don't take their behaviours personally, so I started applying this to my Narcissist Dad, after all it is a mental health condition) and then he went quiet. Now he's asking my Mum why I don't come home to live with them. The manipulation never stops, but ageing Narcissists are sort of imploding (or like the witch in the Wizard of Oz, melting).
What I have found is that as his life ends I need to grieve for my life with him. He was an angry abusive alcoholic, who hurt a lot of people. I need to acknowledge that (by crying when I feel sad) and let it go.
My advice to you is stick to the Program, go to meetings, and tell yourself until you believe it that you are not responsible for how your Mum feels, and you are looking after her in the best possible way by taking the Dr.'s advice.
Be very kind to yourself.
If she starts mouthing off again, just say good-bye politely and hang up. Do not let her control the conversation. The conversations, no matter what should be equally shared like any two adults talking. The fact that she is your mother does not give her any right to verbally attack you in any way. I know that the Golden Rule is ' Honor thy Father and thy Mother', but not when they turn into animals, and then all bets are off and get on with your life because she can ruin it, and make your life miserable, which is outside the boundaries of the Golden Rule.
This may be difficult to do, but when I had to put my mother into a nursing home when I went to visit her, the staff asked me how did I put up with the 'Devil' they had in room 142..my mother;'s room. They told me she made up stories, lied like a little child who wanted anything they did not need to have, and demanded the staff do anything to the point that some of the nurses refused to answer her button calls, knowing what was coming....being blasted if they did not do EXACTLY what she wanted, and ASAP. My mother abused me physically and verbally for years, ever since I could talk. The neighbors never believed me because if she wanted something that she thought the neighbors would do for her, she turned into Mother Teresa, and then back and forth. She knew how to play the game really well, and as soon as I was 18, I was gone. Unfortunately, my father had some mild strokes and heart attacks, and I had to go over to their home every week to do all the chores on the inside and outside, but when she started on me, I dropped anything I was doing...one time she came outside when I was cutting the lawn and told me that she wanted the grass cross-cut, like some of the neighbors did. I shut off the power mover, left it in the front yard, got in my car., rolled down the window, and told her...start doing the cross-cut, because I had no idea what she meant, and the grass grew all that week until I came over the next week, 6 days later, and the front yard was just as I left it...the part I cut was lower, and the part that I did not finish was twice as high as the part I did cut, and I went into the house, and she was boiling mad. I told her to get the kid who cut the neighbor's lawns to do cut the high grass part, and then I would finish it all. She told me that I was abandoning them, which was a joke, and all the neighbors wondered why their lawn looked so funny, and I was laughing as I drove away. If I would have started, it would have been another war with her, and then my father would be all upset, and he was really sick, and she did not give a hoot about him, just what she wanted. It took a few years of therapy to get all of this out of my system, and now I look back, and I had a 'Devil for a Mother'
So it's up to you...live your life, or you can live both lives...I wish you the very best and make the right choice.
I hope that you too can find that peaceful area soon.
1. your sobriety comes FIRST.
2. Let the Doctors be the fall-guys --they ARE the ones to said she needed 24/7 care, not you
3. send her a greeting card every week to maintain some line of communication. You will feel better about it now and later.
4. if she abuses you on the phone, hang up, having told her that you will not accept that behavior from her.
Dealing with a narcissist is like being a hamster on a hamster wheel. You try and you try and you try, and the end result is that you get nowhere fast.
There is one line in your post that stuck out ... which was something along the lines of you feeling your mom is in the best place right now for her safety and mental well-being. There’s your answer. Go back to that whenever you feel confused, guilty, sad, etc.
And one other thing to consider, if financially able ... you might consider hiring a geriatric case manager. These folks are usually social workers and can oversee your mom’s care and report to you about the goings-on with her. (Basically, they’re miracle workers in my book.)
I am not sure who the people are that are suggesting you continue contact even on an occasional basis. But they do not bear listening to.
I cannot imagine how horrific it was for you to find your mother after her suicide attempt.
You are 100% allowed to go no contact with your mother. Additionally, I would block her phone number. I know you said you do not answer, nor listen to the messages, but I know from personal experience, just getting the calls can be triggering. If there is an emergency the facility will call you.