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She doesn’t answer me . Or if I give her a choice of going to bed or the chair she doesn’t answer . I guess she is overwhelmed with this whole thing and the fear of dying so maybe I shld just decide for her . She often also just stares and doesn’t seem to be in there . Feel like I am losing her little by little which is know is normal …

Yes, Mom is on end of life care and it sounds as though she is slowly leaving you. She has sort of vacated the premises already. Oliver Sacks, the writer who was so enthralled with our brains beset by dementia or by mental illness, was so fascinated by it over his entire life, and wrote many books. In one he said of those with dementia "they have an entire world; it just isn't OUR world". Who knows where they are in their minds.

I wouldn't over burden her with questions. Just make open ended comments such as "Let have you sit in the chair and get the circulation moving mom" or "Doesn't the sun feel good mom". Nothing she has to answer. Don't push food. Let he sleep when she wants. Support her.

There is an old medieval expression about the dying where they say "and he turned his face to the wall" which basically means that they are leaving us. I was lifelong a nurse. And have been with many dying. And yes, they do leave us. They do turn their faces to the wall. It becomes increasingly more difficult for them to respond to us. I don't know what they are up to when they go to "that place" but I am 82, so I soon WILL.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Your mom may not be understanding what it is you're asking her at this point, but I can tell you that if she was in pain you would most certainly know it. You would be able to tell by the expressions on her face if she was in pain, or she may holler out in pain when touched, so unless you see obvious signs of pain, I wouldn't be giving her any pain medications. You'll know if and when she needs them without her saying a word.
And I would just keep her in whatever place she seems the most comfortable, whether that be her chair or her bed.
And just because your mom is under hospice care now doesn't mean that she's going to die anytime soon, My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life.
So just enjoy whatever time you may have left with her and make sure that you leave nothing left unsaid.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You haven't told us anything about your mom's age or health condition so I'll just throw out a couple of thoughts.
Being eligible for Hospice doesn't necessarily mean your mom is imminently dying, it just means her health is precarious enough that nobody would be surprised if she did. I encourage both you and her to continue to live as usual rather than focus on waiting to die, do go ahead and get her up and include her as much as possible, just as you did before Hospice. Also, during the last years of her life we gave my mom pain medication routinely, knowing that with her history of headaches and the degeneration of her spine, hip and knee she more than likely was always in pain.
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Reply to cwillie
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Sorry your mom is near the end. Or I wonder if it becomes a blessing since there will be an end to her suffering? Anyhow, if you're wondering if she's in pain and she won't answer, you can tell by other clues like grimacing when moving, etc. If she doesn't answer where she wants to sit, just decide and do what you think is best. She might speak up if it's not what she wants. Or she just might not really care at this point. I would just try to make this time peaceful and painfree for her.
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Reply to againx100
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Lou, I'm sure this is normal, I'm very sorry about your mom and what you are going through.

Maybe talk to the hospice nurse and ask them if this is normal. If she had pain that she couldn't handle I'm sure you would know.

Mom actually doesn't to me sound horribly scared of dieing, she sounds like she is more at peace with it.

I suspect it's your fear of her dieing, so be careful of putting your fears out there to mom. Make your visits as peaceful as possible and just love and enjoy the little time you have left with mom.

Thinking of you,🙏😔
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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This is such a hard time. Call her hospice nurse and ask for a visit from the social worker or chaplain. She may feel more comfortable hearing information from them if she’s anxious on what’s happening or what to expect. The hospice nurse was a huge help and guide for me. Rely on their experience to guide you, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Hold mom’s hand, reassure her of your love and care. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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