Follow
Share

She wants to get my Dad, who has dementia, to go to a nursing home because she is tired of his "behavior". I agree he has bad behavior but he has his whole life. Mom has memory deficits and seems to only have very short term memory. The man she fell in love with is 9 years her junior AND has Alzheimers. He's a lovely man but I know nothing about him or his family situation. I am her POA and "mother" now. I'd love any advice on how to navigate this crazy turn of events!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

22 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I don't know whether to call that sad or glad that "all three spend time together."
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Wow, it took a real mental leap to get there.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I've been reading all your informative and interesting posts. They are very helpful! Thank you!

I thought I should clarify/add a few things you were asking. My mom (83) and step-dad (86) have been married 47 years (second marriage for both). Step dad has always been somewhat of a bully - demanding, impatient, expectant, intolerant - which has gotten more intense as he has gotten older and now with his dementia. He's a "piece of work"! He is thankfully well-medicated with Seroquel because without it he is a real tyrant. We have a 24/7 caregiver with both he and my mom in a two bedroom apt in assisted living. My mom has glaucoma and is legally blind and going blind. She loves walking and because of her eyesight, can't do it alone. That's when she found her boyfriend (age 74 with diagnosis of Alzheimers). He lives there and has taken my mother on as a walking partner. The boyfriend is kind and attentive, unlike her husband right now. I had wished my mother would have divorced my step-dad years ago but having him as an enemy was worse than keeping him as a husband! There is no way they will divorce (not competent now anyway to make that decision). Step-dad only knows boyfriend is a friend. They sometimes all three spend time together.

It's an awkward situation. I spoke with the director of the AL and we both agreed that they are happy and no harm is being done. I'm concerned however about the boyfriend's amorous intentions and his tendency to wander. He doesn't have the best sense when it comes to walking too far with my mom or taking her out on those really hot days. She has dementia too. And yes I have POA for both. Thanks for your interest!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Yes, all difficult behaviors by the person living with dementia is a form of attempted communication. That is reality. The person living with dementia is not a small child and cannot learn, nor be corrected, nor be changed. It is very sad, but if the person living with dementia attempts to kill the caregiver, it is simply a form of communication. My loved one is in the final stages of dementia, and I have learned many realities during this journey. God bless all caregivers.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My first response was to tell your mom "don't marry HIM" But I see that she is already married and she has memory problems so whatever you do or say she will forget it anyhow. Can you have her moved to a different facility?
Luann 30
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
AL/NH are protecting themselves against having "relations" lest the one or both parties cry rape or sexual assualt.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Your mother's sudden realization that she is in love with someone else may point to her own mental decline. I think to replace her desire for the other man, spend more time with her to show her she is wanted and cared for.

Sometimes when we feel lonely we project feelings onto other people. Hopefully with time, this will go away. Try to keep her occupied with other family activities as well.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thomas0611,
I am interested about your statement that "all dementia behaviors are forms of attempted communication". If that were true then a person with dementia would exhibit the same type of behavior to everyone they try to communicate with. Your statement troubles me especially because this forum is a support forum for caregivers. If the person with dementia is just attempting to communicate then when they are physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally abusing their primary caregiver are we supposed to just rationalize their behavior as an attempt to communicate? When a caregiver is being wrongfully accused of stealing, withholding food and medication, of physical abuse and on and on and on what could the person with dementia be trying to communicate? All dementia behavior is not excuseable. Caregivers who give up everything for a loved one with dementia don't generally benefit by becoming even more empathetic (if that is even possible) because in the end that just ends up being more guilt they have to lug around until the end of time. We feel guilty enough when our loved one is suffering. More guilt is not helpful.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
That is really sad. "She's tired of his behavior?!" It looks like she didn't sign up for the "for better or worse" at all. Good grief! She should discontinue this affair with another man stat!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My daughter, RN working in a rehab/NH facility says they have a couple that think they r married and will not be separated. Spouses r still alive and visit. Sad for the spouses. My Mom doesn't like men who bug her. Told the staff this and warned she will hit if she feels they r getting "too friendly". So what do they do, sit her alone with one of the male residents saying they have nice conversations. What! To me its one thing if they seem attracted but don't encourage it. My youngest doesn't agree. She feels if it makes them happy, why not. Mom iss a widow of 10 years so doesn't bother me that person would take Dads place. Just something I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. When u think about it, in their minds they r not old.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It sounds as if your mother has dementia, as well. She likely doesn't think of her marriage as such - it's just an inconvenience when she remembers it at all.

This is hard for you to handle but it's not likely it will go farther than this fantasy/flirtatious stage so the only real harm it will do is if her husband understands what is happening.

Yes, this is an interesting post for sure! Keep us posted on how you are doing since you are likely the one with the biggest headaches.
Take care,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mom fell and shattered her hip in her own home. After she got out of the hospital she went to a rehab facility and was only going to be there for a few months. Sadly, her rehab stay turned into long term care and she never got to go back home again. My dad had already passed away and my mom had dementia. While she was in the rehab, she and an 80 something year old gentleman became good friends. I think that he also had some degree of dementia, and was married. He and my mom flirted with each other. Their innocent relationship gave each of them a level of happiness that can't be found a medicine bottle.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
wow...interesting post! first, how old are they? my concern is husband's bad behavior. what does he do to her? it certainly seems to me if someone can't stand their husband anymore...shouldn't she have an option to separate from him? how does he feel about the situation and going to a convalescent home?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Love can be a compensation for a need of feeling wanted. Depends on the persons life experience missing intimacy. This has now been clinically proven in the literature. I am not promoting anything more than holding hands, kissing and evidence of feelings between the parties. I will not go into details of a long study but it can also be a substitute for lonliness created by a lack of estrogen.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My 88-year mother fell in love with someone who has Alzheimer's at a memory care unit where they both live. I realize this situation is not exactlyy like your situation since my father (my mother's husband) had died many years earlier. But it still raised concerns. My mother claimed they were married and even left the locked facility to do so. The center where my mother and this gentleman resided called me about it and we all (director, nurse, social worker) talked about the situation when my mother's care plan was reviewed. They said if either party felt that it was a "harmful situation or wanted it stopped", they would intervene. They said they would talk to my mom and the gentleman about it from time to time and they also talked to the gentleman's POA. The relationship lasted a few months until the gentleman passed away. I did worry about my mom but there were many good things from that relationship, too. My mother was less negative and more involved with activities where she resides. You have a lot to handle so take it one day at a time. Others have given you good advice. Try to continue monitoring the best care for your parents. I wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
A pertinent and great read: "The Bear came over the Mountain" by Alice Munro. is a short story. All of her stories are awesome.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I hope you will read and reread the excellent advice and suggestions above. My second husband died when I was 78. When I was 79 I fell in love with, divorced man six years my junior. I was warned he had early Alzheimer's, but married him and was his sole caregiver until his death three years later. Now 85, I don't regret the past, but it did take a toll on my health. You've received some good advice and questions to ask yourself here. Don't sacrifice your own life.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
You say you are POA. Has your Mom been declared incompetent and thus the POA is now active? If not your Mom can make her decisions even if they seem nutty.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Wow...what a dilemma. Do Mom and Dad live together at their own home? Where did the third person come from? Where odes he live? You should find out a bit about him etc., just to be on the safe side. Are you certain that the new guy has ALZ? Is the new guy able to manipulate mom? Sorry if I missed the lead up to this situation. And yes, you have "too" many people to worry about now but handle the priorities. Safety, security and best interests of both Mom and Dad.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Managing difficult dementia behaviors is the ultimate challenge for caregivers. All dementia behavior is a form of attempted communication. It sounds like Mom can no longer be the main caregiver for Dad. It is best to simply ignore the "romantic" attraction between two people living with dementia, and deal with the issue of ensuring Dad has a responsible caregiver at the assisted living place, or at a different facility if necessary.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Your mother is having a fantasy. As long as her interactions with the younger man are enjoyable for both of them, it isn't a problem. Stay alert for signs of distress that could mean having to ask the ALF to intervene, perhaps by diverting one or both of them to other tables or social groups.

I'd actually be more worried about what your mother means by your father's "behaviour." Are you sure he isn't becoming physically abusive, or relentlessly unpleasant when he talks to her? Just because he's always been difficult doesn't mean she has to put up with anything he throws at her. Do you also have POA for him? How is he feeling?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Let's face it Dad is not the only one with dementia. These "romances" are usually short-lived because the individuals have such short attention spans. The facility will not step in unless there is yelling or fighting.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter