My sister has been caring for Mom for years. Mom has demetia and is a diabetic. She needs to be in a nursing home. She was in one for a month and a half and thrived. How can I make my sister send her where she needs to go? My sister is a good loving person and cares for Mom, but needs the money. I believe this is a big part of why she won't let Mom go-Mom's pension hels support the household. I am quite sure I am not the first person to be in a situation like this. Any advice from anyone?
2. The assessment should consider not only your mother's health and symptoms, but also the possibility that you have raised that the motivations of others (your sister and you, in particular) may be affecting the nature of the care being given.
3. If the assessment concludes that the situation should change, then you have several options: 1) if there is a Power of Attorney for Health Care, the agent under that power should probably follow the advice of the assessment. If that is not you, then the agent should be provided with the assessment; 2) if the agent does not follow the assessment, most states have procedures in their Probate Codes to involve a judge to compel the agent to provide for the principal as required in the principal's best interest; 3) if there is no Power of Attorney for Health Care (or Advance Health Care directive), and Mom has capacity, she can decide whether to follow the instructions of the report; 4) if Mom does not have capacity and there is no POAHC or AHCD, then an interested party (varies from State to State, but generally a child will have standing as an interested party) can bring a conservatorship proceeding to appoint a conservator who can legally make decisions on behalf of an incapacitated person (conservatee or ward). This is known as a "conservatorship over the person." The person receiving the pension and paying the caregiver(s) is called the "conservator over the estate." They can be the same person or you can seek to have an independent person serve in each capacity to prevent the motivations of a financially interested person from clouding their judgment about what is in the best interest of the principal.
Loving your parent is not enough to become the best and right caregiver for mom or dad. It comes with all different skills and knowledge. If you feel that your mother does not have proper care you should talk to your sister and ask if she would be willing to learn how to be that best caregiver. Find local support group for her to attend. Bring palliative care to help her. Maybe even find short term classes for caregiver where your sister can learn and become more professional.
But then there's the definition of what makes mother happy. Much, much harder to put your finger on. Especially when the person has dementia and can't say for herself; but actually it is hard for the person anyway. What's she supposed to say? "I can't stand my daughter la second longer, she drives me nuts and I'm bored out of my skull"? It's never going to happen.
I'm facing an issue similar to this, except that it's I who am having the argument with myself. We're about to move house. In deciding where we go next, I aim to give mother the free choice of: either buy her own home and I'll live with her as her caregiver; or move to a good residential setting and I'll hover around, or skip town, depending on how well she settles in. We're having a look at a few options, and I hope she'll try them out. Sincerely, I am content with either. But I'm not optimistic that she'll base her choice on her own, real wishes. Far more likely she'll try to guess what I, or my siblings, or the cat, or the postman come to that, think is best.
Msweet, my rudeness above notwithstanding, I do understand your view that for your mother the pros and cons come down in favour of the NH: it's a valid point of view, and a good NH can be an excellent place for a person with dementia to reach the end of her days. They can accommodate to her changing needs, they can call on extra resources - there are all kinds of points in their favour.
But at the NH they don't love her. And for many old people the limitations of a family home are more than offset by just being at home, not 'in a home'. I think probably the best thing you can do is research alternatives and be ready to suggest them if and when your sister runs out of steam. And meanwhile keep in close touch, and be nice (I'm sure you are already). Best of luck, sorry if I've rambled.
Take over care of your mom for a week and give your sister a vacation (which she probably needs) and you will also see hands on what it is like for a week (years are even harder).
Until you are supportive, your sister may feel like she is both doing battle to protect herself and mom, while taking care of mom. All the while her employable skills ebb away.
Start with, "Is there anything I can help you with?"
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