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The other day I went to Mom's (independent care, mild Dementia, Narcissistic) and she opened her closet (packed with clothes) and said I have nothing to wear. She finds fault with each article of clothing. She wants me to "drop her off" at the mall which I refuse to do. NOT SAFE. She buys beautiful tops and over and over says "I have nothing to wear. That top is not "me" anymore." So far, I just listen to her. I try to pick out 2 or 3 outfits for her before I leave. (I visit twice a week - she's well cared for - bather, nurse's aide, etc.) I just don't know what the right thing to do in this situation. I will call her doctor, however also wanted to know if anyone had ever heard of this before. Another factor, which could very well be at play, is she's had bladder infection after bladder infection this year. So it could be this behavior is temporarily appearing because of the bladder problem. The doctor just put her on another medication for the bladder problem because on Friday her culture came back positive again. Poor Mom. I want to help her however I don't think it's proper to just endlessly buy clothes because she says she has "nothing to wear". I also wondered if this was a social anxiety issue. Having nothing to wear means you can't participate in social activities. Thank you so much for your comments. I am new to this site and appreciate your advice.

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P.S. She has bought clothing in the past by going on the Independent Care facility bus on shopping excursions. That was how she used to buy clothes...
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Why not go shopping at the local 2nd hand store? It would be fun, inexpensive, and maybe fill that need to get something new!
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Can you tell if it is really clothes she wants, or unsupervised time at the mall? Is she no longer able to go on the bus?

Can she afford more clothes?
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Emma, I had similar problem with my mother as well. I think it stems from their shopping habits in the past; it did in my case, anyway. My mother was forever shopping and then having my poor father return most of it. She had a closet full of clothes as well and I was forever buying her new things. Yet, she would say "I have nothing to wear". The nurses told me she would give her clothes away to them or they would find them in the wastebasket.

So, the dementia and narcissistic personality played a huge role in this problem. I did start going to the second hand clothing stores as it was much cheaper. But, even though she had so much, she would deny it. When I took her shopping, she would buy clothes and then later didn't like them - it had become a pattern. So, I understand your frustration. And my mother couldn't afford to be doing all this shopping. The second hand store did help as I could frequently buy her different items more frequently. I tried to make her as happy as I could. Also, I would continually redirect the conversation. Thinking of you and hope you find something that works. Take care.
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It sounds to me like she is obsessing about her clothes, but that is not the real issue. If she is narcissitic, she may want the attention more than the clothes, or be trying to get some self esteem needs met this way. ( I am guessing here). With a narcissist, no amount of attention is ever enough for long, and if she uses clothes or buying clothig as a tool for attention getting, no clothing will ever be enough. If you can recognise that this is part of her illness and that she will never be satisfied with her clothing, then set some boundaries as to how often to shop, how much to spend etc, For practical reasons to make room in her closet, would she agree to giving some of her clothing away? Don't expect her to be happy or to change - unless this is associated with the UTIs. Also don't let it "get to you". It makes no sense, any more than the paranoid behaviours we often see here, make any sense, but then most narcissistic behaviour makes no sense to a normal person, and to some degree you have to learn to live with it. There is not much you can do to "fix" it" or to make her happy, You can set reasonable boundaries, and accept the situation so it doesn't bother you as much.
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One of the ladies I care for has so many clothes, she could literally change four times a day for at least one year. The same for her nightwear (but here it would be a different nightgown every evening for one month). It took me forever, but I separated her clothes into catagories: "evening or church" dresses, skirts, slacks, blouses, vests, jackets (then) "daily" dresses, skorts, capris, jeans, bermudas, t-shirts, tops, etc. When "we do not have anything to wear", I re-arrange blouse to slacks (or skirt). I read somewhere you should only offer two outfits and have her choose from that. Rarely does that work, we usually go through several. My new dilemma, anything left out for later or the next day she will put over the clean clothes we just put on. The temperatures in our area have been hovering between 95 and 103. Sometimes I will find her sitting outside with as many as 4-5 tops and a jacket. Getting her to remove some of the clothing becomes quite the challenge. She has even gotten to where, she sleeps in whatever she had on that day (all of it). Then we start the "underwear wars" and/or "shower war" where we finally disrobe and begin again. I never raise my voice or even argue, mostly, it is a begging and/or pleading situation. Can I not see past the battle to offer a better solution? Ideas?
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Thank you all so much. I feel as though I have found a new level of support on this forum. So many great ideas. I love the idea about second hand store shopping. I have always enjoyed this myself so I can pursue this for her. Also about setting the boundaries for myself. In other words what I can live with and not letting her behavior get to me. I am going to think about this on my walk tonight. How I can detach with love. Great idea also about separating her clothes and only offering two outfits. Thank you all...
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Emma, could you take the clothes home with you, then rotate them by bringing the same ones back a few weeks later? Would she notice? Of course, bring them in a couple 'mall' or fancy store bags if you can.
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Emma, my mother has racks and racks of clothes that she never wears. She often complains she doesn't have anything to wear. In her case I believe it is because she no longer understands about looking for things. If something is not right in front of her, it doesn't exist. I figured this out a while back when I noticed she couldn't find food that was not front and center in the refrigerator. The concept of looking was lost to her. Mixing and matching clothes or finding something to wear also became difficult for her, particularly because she often sits in her pajamas all day long. Clothes were alien things.

My mother is a hoarder. We have one whole room and several closets filled with clothes that she cannot make herself donate. Buying more clothes is not an option. What works for my mother is simply to say that we had just bought her some clothes, ask her what she is looking for, then direct her to some possibilities. My mother just needs some help with the search.

As a side note -- as many clothes as my mother has, she either wears pajamas or the same three outfits all the time. Go figure.
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Emma, why don't you take some of her clothes home with you. Then when you return in a couple of weeks you bring one or two "New" items with you in a store shopping bag.
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More than the clothes issue I'd be concerned about the repeated bladder infection and what might be causing that. I don't mean to be cynical but do you know who all her caregivers are? Is it just lack of proper cleanliness or could there be sexual abuse? Is she able to tell you about opif there was? As for the clothes just take her around with you garage sale shopping once in a while and tell her that she needs to get rid of some if she wants to buy more. It's probably just fun for her to shop.
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Wow!!! I totally understand what you are going through. At present my husband and I are going through this with his Mother. She has a closet full of clothes(much more than I even have) and thinks she is a size 2 when in reality she is a size 10. We arent really sure what to do either. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I can sympathize with you. Hang in there!!!!!
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In answer to Delena, that sounds like a great idea, but in our situation mother does not want to shop and cannot figure out what will fit her if anything. She ends up getting frustrated.
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Get her some catalogs, let her spend time looking at the clothing and have her mark the items she thinks she would like to have. Maybe that will help to alleviate her need for shopping?
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My mom also loves to buy new clothes, and yes, many still have store tags on the in closet. I think it is indeed a self esteem issue.. she is looking for that perfect outfit that will make her feel like her younger self.

I appreciated the comment about her not being able to "look" for things anymore. I am wondering if I assisted her by putting complete outfits together in her closet if she would realise she has some awesome clothes and accessories. I only wish her clothes would fit me!
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My Mom wears the same clothes from 30 years ago. Usually just 2 different shirts. She likes the red and white strip which had a tore in it on the sleeve, but she sewed it and she wants to wear it to important functions. I tell her its for just around the house. It's at least 35 yrs old. I have to take her clothes before she puts them on to wash them. And she has to wear a long sleeve stripped shirt because she always cold. And it's 95 degrees. It's so hard sometimes. Good answers though.
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Maybe she is still feeling like all women who say they have nothing to wear, when we have more than enough clothes. Most women love new clothes and many go broke buying them. It could also be, due to her dementia, she is living a point in her past where she felt that way. My Dad with Dementia did this, he would be on a point in his younger life that was current in his mind, and stay on that topic for maybe 2 months or so, then start on a different time in his younger life, constantly talking about the new time period.Now he can hardly remember his own name or his wife and kids's name. All the suggestions others have given are great. Second hand stores are fun because there are so many different style. Like some already said, take a few home with you and bring them back some other time, she may not remember they were hers. As we get older, we feel colder. My Mom, who is 92. has the temp in her room at the ALF so hot that I can't handle it.
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To add a little more, It is almost impossible to shop for or with my Mom. She has a big lump on her neck and age spots on her arms. So she has to wear something that covers her lump and her arms, many times that means 2 different pieces of clothing. I found that long sleeve tee shirts with a high neckline work to cover the neck and arms, or a short sleeve or sleeveless top over a mock turtle neck work and she likes those. Being that your Mom is Narcissistic, it sound like clothes mean a lot to her. Good luck and just keep loving your Mom.
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Ladies I agree with the rotation and returning as "new". A few other things to consider - it may be a lack of control...great book - The 36 Hour Day...highly recommended for those who have a loved one with dementia. It's an oldie and often found on Amazon or used book stores...great read and very helpful.
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My mother has a PD as well as Alzheimer's. She is in late stage 3 and crossing into stage 4. Her obsession is paperwork. Junk mail, advertisements, insurance seminars, you name it. She obsesses because she can no long organize it her head. She does not know what to throw away, whats important, and what is junk. I don't know what stage your mother is in, but I was going to suggest what someone else already posted about taking some of her clothes home with you. Maybe you could arrange for the facility to have your mother out of her room and you could go in and take some of her outfits home. If she asks about the clothes tell her you are having them cleaned and maybe she will forget about them. Then bring them back to her a few months later, removing some of the other outfits. Its probably because she has too many choices and is confused. It sounds like clothing is your mother's interest. Just as mother's interest is her finances and having all the paperwork filed neatly so she knows just where to find it. My mother complains she is always too busy, she has 2 appt. this week and says she just doesn't have time to be running all over town, LOL!! I laugh because these appt. probably only take up 1-1/2 hours of her time at the most, the rest of her time is spent trying to make sense of all the paperwork. If you mother is putting on layers of clothing, it sounds like she is more advanced than my mother. This is a very common thing for people with dementia to do. They will dress for the wrong seasons, sometimes they will put their under garments on the outside of their clothing too. Leave her with clothing that is season appropriate and switch them out as the seasons change.
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Cranberry capsules help a great deal with UTI's too..is she hydrated? That too could be a concern...or what is the actual bacteria causing the UTI? If it's MRSA - you need to provide some alkaline in her diet - I give my Mom pHenominal...
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You may get a kick out of this. My father is 97 and always was a dapper dresser.
Because of his advanced age he now really doesn't seem to care. If I see him before he's going somewhere I will say, "Dad, look at your shirt, it's got spots on it." His answer is "ah it's ok not going anywhere". Then two minuties later he's off going to the store or somewhere else, in the same spotted, stained shirt. His closet is full of nice, pressed shirts and pants. Does it really matter, YES to me it does. All I can think of is if his friends or anyone else sees him, will they think, doesn't his daughter take care of him??? I've bought him very nice button down collared shirts and nice slacks to wear. When he was working and traveling he always wanted his shirts perfectly pressed. My mother would, at the time, starch and press everything to perfection. So this is the end results of what's happening now. I guess we just have to go with the flow. :-)
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My mother-in-law insists on wearing the same clothes everyday.She lives with me so I just do laundry in the evening when I can get her clothes as well.
My problem is that she turns her depends wrong side out! I think the "seam" gave her the idea they were backwards. Then she puts them in the washer when she changes. (Another reason I do laundry when we go out or at night.)
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There are also some people who have plenty of clothes, but then claim that these clothes are "not mine". My grandfather was doing that, which was a source of frustration for my mother.
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The bladder issue might be causing the clothing issues. Either too tight or clothing might show depends or risk leakage. Have you tried other natural options to preventing infections?

Is clothing all of same type? Like baggy legs vs slimmer legs. Elastic around waist that causes discomfort?

If she has too many options, maybe too hard to select an outfit. Suggestion: try taking a picture of her in any outfits she likes and she could use them as guides for dressing another day.
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and look into the relationship between type of underwear/clothing and infections like this advice from livestrong.com

Clothing
The bacteria that causes urinary tract infections flourishes in a moist and warm environment. Underwear made from synthetic materials restricts airflow to the genitals. Natural cotton is porous and allows air to flow through the material, which helps to keep the genitals dry. Change your underwear at least once a day and launder dirty underwear in warm or hot water to kill bacteria. Avoid wearing clothing that is tight in the groin area, which will prevent air flow to the genitals.
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Good answers here.
I can relate to the clothes problem, though. The first week my mom moved in with us I came home from work one day to find her going through my closet.

She said "I"ve tried on everything in your closet and I can't find a thing to fit me!"...
Since I'm a size 22W and she is a size 4P, no wonder. LOL!

Since then we have hired Julie to stay with her during the day. They go to second hand stores and out to eat alot. My husband drives and just brings a book to read while they shop. Julie is a godsend! I wish everyone could have a Julie.
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hi Emma123, dont feel like you are alone.. going through he same thing with my mom, and have been for awhile. Think it stems from their past. My mom always had a lot of clothes but after having breast cancer(she beat it) gallbladder removed she lost a lot of weight. She has dementia now. i take her to the thrift store every Sat or Sun and let her choose what she wants. I have to wait until she not looking and remove items that are too small . she spends everyday in and out of her closet arranging clothes. Everyone is right second hands store is the way to go. You could have worse things to worry about with her. Each day with her will be different so prepare yourself for things that are more serious than this. You will be ok Emma.
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My mom does this to an extent. She keeps saying "I need no clothes" while she has a closet full of things that she rarely wears. Part of it is due to PD and the fact that her clothes don't 'work' for her anymore. Buttons are hard. And zip up button pants are out of the question since she needs me to help her pull her pants up and down both for dressing and toileting. For my mom it comes from remembering a time when clothes were fun and not just something functional. Plus mom's become so emaciated due to cachexia from the advanced PD that a lot of tops and blouses just don't look right on her anymore but she still has to wear clothes. One day she had me look for pants that she hasn't had in yrs and insisted that I must have thrown them out. That was a fun day!
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Meant to say "I need new clothes". I really should drink the coffee first BEFORE I write anything!
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