I am a full time live in caregiver for my mother and I hold medical and legal POA. Our agreement required me to give up my apt., Job, independence and live in the basement but when she passes, I'm to get the house. She refused to follow Drs orders and attempts dangerous activities. She is diabetic, has copd, cannot walk well and rides a motorized scooter around the house. She constantly ignores me, my daughter or my husband when we tell her she can't do something due to one of her many health issues. She increasingly claims we're trying to control her and reverts to teenage like defiance. Now she keeps threatening to go back on our agreement about the house. She dangles money and the house over my head to try and get her own way. The deed to the house is in both of our names as joint owners with survivor ownership. I've poured my entire life into getting things livable for all concerned. Now she says I treat her badly and wants to leave half to my step brother who is never around. The plan was to always split everything with him except this house. Can she jerk the house out from under me since my name is already legally on the deed and the house is paid for? I'm 51 years old and not going to be financially irresponsible enough to take on 150 thousand dollar mortgage when she dies to buy out my step brother for a house i already own half of.
If she wants to eat junk food, the harm will be to herself and no doubt the consequences have been explained to her many times. You don't have to go out and buy her a bag of jellybeans, but you don't have to monitor every bite she eats, either.
Wanting to drive poses a different kind of risk entirely. That puts other people at risk and that must be stopped by any means necessary.
Pick your battles. She wants to buy a gun? No, no, and no! She wants to eat a whole watermelon at one sitting? Bad choice, but her choice.
My brother took the lead - he was her darling boy and clearly if she was going to listen to anyone it would have been him.
When the poop hit the fan and my mothers head was swiveling, spitting green pea soup - she yelled st my brother "I'm going to cut you out of my will" to which he very calmly replied "that's fine. I don't need your money". Did that ever rain on her parade! It even left mom speechless which is saying a whole lot.
Try calling her on her threat. Pull out your calendar and say "hmmm, I can meet with a real estate agent on Thursday and that day is good for you, too. Let's get this done with, find you a nice assisted living place and hubby and I can start our own house search".
I'd be willing to bet that will shut her up about the subject - at least for a while.
When was the last time Mom saw her primary doctor and has she ever had a Urinary Tract Infection [UTI] test done? She could have UTI and that can cause older folks to act out and be angry all the time plus mimic dementia. UTI's are easy to treat as long as it isn't a constant thing.
Your Mom is probably feeling the effects of her health, not being able to hop in the car and drive herself shopping or to visit with friends. Losing that part of independence can be terrible for most people no matter what age. Sometimes we need to take a few minutes and put ourselves into her shoes.
Now, my next concern is in the future, when and if your Mom needs a much higher level of care and she doesn't have liquid funds to help pay for professional caregivers to come to the house, or for her to move into Assisted Living. It is when Medicaid could enter the picture. That is when it becomes a difficult maze.
20:20 hindsight is marvellous, isn't it.
To pinch a phrase which seems to be very much à la mode, perhaps it might be best to take her expressions of discontent seriously but not literally, so that you can put the spectre of your stepbrother's moving in to rest. Her multiple chronic conditions are bound to be having an effect on her judgement and decision-making - and her temper, and who can blame her? - so it might be wise to find out about getting her legal capacity assessed (you will probably have to do that eventually in any case).
Meanwhile, review which battles are really worth picking. Where possible avoid or pre-empt discussions which will inevitably put her back up and lead to conflict. So, for example, don't teach her not to suck candies (you're wasting your breath, and if she hasn't learned by now she's not going to), but do disable any car she might suddenly take it into her head to start driving. "Dangerous activities" sounds terribly alarming - if it's things like standing on chairs to reach stuff, it might be possible to switch storage around so that she can access what she wants more easily.
I know that I am counselling you not to get exasperated with someone who is, let's face it, being extremely exasperating. But at the moment she seems to feel that you're crossing her at every turn, and to her it probably looks like you're on some kind of power trip. You know that it's important for her to listen to medical advice and eat the right foods. Well, it isn't (yet) that she doesn't understand, or not less than she ever did anyway. It's that she doesn't *agree.* She thinks it's more important to please herself. That's not the way to a long life, but it's not unreasonable either. It's just not wise.
Until her judgement is so badly impaired that your POAs make you responsible for her protection, it's better to let her make her own mistakes. She claims you're trying to control her? Well, for the best of reasons, you kind of are trying to control her. I remember and sympathise with the huge temptation of doing that when she makes poor choices, but until proved otherwise they are hers to make.
If she's a danger to others, or if she's placing herself at serious immediate risk, intervene but try not to criticise. And otherwise... perhaps she thinks ambulance rides are exciting? I'm sorry, I do feel for you. From the caregiver whose mother wouldn't have called for help if the room was on fire, hugs.
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