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I am a full time live in caregiver for my mother and I hold medical and legal POA. Our agreement required me to give up my apt., Job, independence and live in the basement but when she passes, I'm to get the house. She refused to follow Drs orders and attempts dangerous activities. She is diabetic, has copd, cannot walk well and rides a motorized scooter around the house. She constantly ignores me, my daughter or my husband when we tell her she can't do something due to one of her many health issues. She increasingly claims we're trying to control her and reverts to teenage like defiance. Now she keeps threatening to go back on our agreement about the house. She dangles money and the house over my head to try and get her own way. The deed to the house is in both of our names as joint owners with survivor ownership. I've poured my entire life into getting things livable for all concerned. Now she says I treat her badly and wants to leave half to my step brother who is never around. The plan was to always split everything with him except this house. Can she jerk the house out from under me since my name is already legally on the deed and the house is paid for? I'm 51 years old and not going to be financially irresponsible enough to take on 150 thousand dollar mortgage when she dies to buy out my step brother for a house i already own half of.

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I'm almost afraid to ask, but here goes: was your agreement put in writing?
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Sorry - whose child is the stepbrother, by the way?
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The legal deed  to the house is in both our names. My stepfather died 2.5 years ago and my natural brother last year. My step brother was not my mother's natural child. I'm the last woman standing.
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And, I thought being on the deed was enough. I don't think she can change anything regarding the ownership of the house without my signature at this point.
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Go talk to the original attorney who drew up the deed for his assurance that it's all legit. including the POAs that she can dump you from at any time. Find out if you actually have to live there - is there a contract? It might be better for you if there is no contract and you are half owner of the house to actually move away until she is deemed incompetent. You and I agree that she is incompetent, but it is a legal term. Alternatively, if she threatens suicide or murder, call the police and have her arrested. The judge may order a psych eval which might have her forcibly hospilalized until they can stabilize her with meds.
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Wlpruitt, the only way your Mom can remove your name from the Deed is if she has you sign a Quit Claim Deed.   Chances are Mom never heard of one, so I don't see that happening any time soon.

When was the last time Mom saw her primary doctor and has she ever had a Urinary Tract Infection [UTI] test done?   She could have UTI and that can cause older folks to act out and be angry all the time plus mimic dementia.   UTI's are easy to treat as long as it isn't a constant thing.

Your Mom is probably feeling the effects of her health, not being able to hop in the car and drive herself shopping or to visit with friends.   Losing that part of independence can be terrible for most people no matter what age.   Sometimes we need to take a few minutes and put ourselves into her shoes.

Now, my next concern is in the future, when and if your Mom needs a much higher level of care and she doesn't have liquid funds to help pay for professional caregivers to come to the house, or for her to move into Assisted Living.   It is when Medicaid could enter the picture.   That is when it becomes a difficult maze.
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The ems is out at least once or twice a month already because she either falls or eats something she's not supposed to which messes with the delicate balance she is supposed to walk between getting dehydrated from diabetes and retaining fluid from cops. Thanks for the input and I've been browsing the forums and am heartened to realize I am not alone in this situation.
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In a perfect world, attached to the house deeds there would have been a memorandum of understanding stating the terms on which you and your mother would share the home, you would provide care, and on her passing you would acquire the house outright.

20:20 hindsight is marvellous, isn't it.

To pinch a phrase which seems to be very much à la mode, perhaps it might be best to take her expressions of discontent seriously but not literally, so that you can put the spectre of your stepbrother's moving in to rest. Her multiple chronic conditions are bound to be having an effect on her judgement and decision-making - and her temper, and who can blame her? - so it might be wise to find out about getting her legal capacity assessed (you will probably have to do that eventually in any case).

Meanwhile, review which battles are really worth picking. Where possible avoid or pre-empt discussions which will inevitably put her back up and lead to conflict. So, for example, don't teach her not to suck candies (you're wasting your breath, and if she hasn't learned by now she's not going to), but do disable any car she might suddenly take it into her head to start driving. "Dangerous activities" sounds terribly alarming - if it's things like standing on chairs to reach stuff, it might be possible to switch storage around so that she can access what she wants more easily.

I know that I am counselling you not to get exasperated with someone who is, let's face it, being extremely exasperating. But at the moment she seems to feel that you're crossing her at every turn, and to her it probably looks like you're on some kind of power trip. You know that it's important for her to listen to medical advice and eat the right foods. Well, it isn't (yet) that she doesn't understand, or not less than she ever did anyway. It's that she doesn't *agree.* She thinks it's more important to please herself. That's not the way to a long life, but it's not unreasonable either. It's just not wise.

Until her judgement is so badly impaired that your POAs make you responsible for her protection, it's better to let her make her own mistakes. She claims you're trying to control her? Well, for the best of reasons, you kind of are trying to control her. I remember and sympathise with the huge temptation of doing that when she makes poor choices, but until proved otherwise they are hers to make.

If she's a danger to others, or if she's placing herself at serious immediate risk, intervene but try not to criticise. And otherwise... perhaps she thinks ambulance rides are exciting? I'm sorry, I do feel for you. From the caregiver whose mother wouldn't have called for help if the room was on fire, hugs.
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If the risk she is taking is only to herself and she understands the possible consequences, let her make her own decisions (even very poor decisions). If the risk extends to other people, that is a battle worth fighting.

If she wants to eat junk food, the harm will be to herself and no doubt the consequences have been explained to her many times. You don't have to go out and buy her a bag of jellybeans, but you don't have to monitor every bite she eats, either.

Wanting to drive poses a different kind of risk entirely. That puts other people at risk and that must be stopped by any means necessary.

Pick your battles. She wants to buy a gun? No, no, and no! She wants to eat a whole watermelon at one sitting? Bad choice, but her choice.
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The house deed needs to be filed with the proper authorities. Check your state bar association. In Oregon they have a basic manual of law for seniors that might be helpful.
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Your name may be on the deed but if she states in her Will that the stepson gets her half of the house, then he gets her half. Make sure you have in writing what was agreed upon. Good luck!
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Mom doesn't get to call the shots here. She is no longer on charge of ANYTHING.
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I have a feeling that she is not serious but just trying to control you with threats. She would have to get a lawyer to change the deed back. I doubt if she would go to that trouble or expense. I agree that as long as she isn't hurting anyone else, she should do what she wants and deal with the consequences.
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I'll never forget the day my brother asked me to go with him so we could do an "intervention" regarding my mother still driving - or rather her not driving.

My brother took the lead - he was her darling boy and clearly if she was going to listen to anyone it would have been him.

When the poop hit the fan and my mothers head was swiveling, spitting green pea soup - she yelled st my brother "I'm going to cut you out of my will" to which he very calmly replied "that's fine. I don't need your money". Did that ever rain on her parade! It even left mom speechless which is saying a whole lot.

Try calling her on her threat. Pull out your calendar and say "hmmm, I can meet with a real estate agent on Thursday and that day is good for you, too. Let's get this done with, find you a nice assisted living place and hubby and I can start our own house search".

I'd be willing to bet that will shut her up about the subject - at least for a while.
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BEST advice we received to make our mom happy (from her lawyer) was to get her out every day for a ride. Imagine how hard it would be to be trapped in your house. Every day we would say "mama, I have to run to post office; want to ride along?" or have to pick up child from school, etc. Then follow that with we short slow drive in country or a park where seeing the sky & vast horizon calmed her (and me). Did the same for uncle but it involved loading & unloading his wheelchair. Just before he died, we were looking into trading in his car for a smaller & cheaper Ford which dealer said is often equipped with handicapped ramp so wheel chair is rolled right in to the front passenger position. Get her out for a ride every day, play her choice of music (if any) - NOT the news - and bring water and healthful snacks such as apple slices, nuts, crackers, etc. Sometimes run through McDonalds for coffee. Trips have to be long enough to satisfy her but short enough to not need bathroom. At first trips can be longer until she feels less trapped but eventually shorter trips might satisfy her. Traffic can cause anxiety so we tried to find country dirt roads or less-busy routes in town.
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If the deed is Joint With Right of Survivorship, the house (not half of it--All of it) belongs to both until one dies. Then it belongs to the survivor alone. Neither party can change that ownership without the other's agreement, except perhaps to quit claim all their rights to the other party. If that's how it's titled, Mom can't change it without you. Interestingly, if you pre-decease her, your family will be living in her house, which she can give away or sell; but that's another problem.
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14 states allow Transfer-On-Death Deeds. Create the form, notarize it and file at courthouse. The house is transferred immediately upon death - but owner can change it at any point prior to his or her death. I have done this with my own house even though I ALSO have a will.
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Man, the threat of "changing the will" has been trotted out and dangled in front of many of us, I'm sure. In your case, it's pretty serious, so I'd follow all the advice about getting all this in writing, notarized, signed, witnessed--whatever. Then let mom have her anger. Anger is usually the emotion at the "tip of the iceberg" what she's really feeling is likely frustration, physical pain, sadness, depression--any number of emotions but ANGER is one that gets the attention and creates the drama. AND pushes people away. My mother has told me several times "just wait until that will is read!" when she's mad. Well, I stand to inherit exactly $10,000, if that, and $10,000 is not to going to change my life one little bit. When I found out pretty much exactly WHAT she was handing out/withdrawing, I just sighed and thought "that's mom".
Some elders HATE losing the power, so they use what they have at hand. Striking out where we're vulnerable. Esp where you have given up your life to care for her. Try calling her on that. See what she'd do if you said "I'm done with this, mom, we gave up everything to care for you and you don't seem to appreciate this. We'll move out and you figure out your living situation by yourself." She'll back down in a hot minute.
I don't expect you'd be mean, but having this hung over MY head every day would make me psycho. Plus you have a hubby and kids. This is wrong for them! Good luck.
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I'm with you, midkid! Having this kind of threat shoved in my face everyday would make me a psychotic mess. I'd rather face it head on and deal with the consequences than live in a state of nervous fear.
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Ok, this is going to sound like I am minimizing things but I truly have had to change my approach when getting mom NOT to do something. Instead of telling her she CAN'T do this or isn't allowed to do something, I turn it around and ask her not to do this or that because.... OR I say "Mom, do you really think that is a good idea?? Remember you said you were having a lot of blurry vision, so it may not be a good idea for you to drive BUT I will be happy to drive you to the store and shop with you!" We also put a old set of keys to another car on the ring and removed her set for the current car so that if she decided to take off it wouldn't start. Problem with my mom was us kids telling her what she could or couldn't do and treating her as if she was a child. SHE doesn't see the issues she has or that she ACTS like a child either. SO rather than telling her we found it works better to make it her idea somehow (manipulate her to our way of thinking-for lack of a better way to put it).
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#1 See the original attorney who drew up the legal paperwork on the house.
#2 Definitely remove and hide her car keys.
#3 If she wants to do herself in by eating 12 bags of Cheetoes, then let her; it's her body, but when all goes awry, you're not there to clean up.
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