I had to put my mom into a dementia assisted living facility. She is now very angry and aggressive toward my sister and me when we go to visit her. She never was like this when she was at home and I cared for her but now she tells me how much she hates me and never wants to see me again for putting her this "hell hole" as she calls it! The staff during the day can seem to deflete this behavior but the night staff just puts her in her room when she starts yelling so by the time I get there to visit she is in such a state I can't do anything to calm her down except leave. Her DR has put her on Seroquel but it isn't doesn't seem to be doing anything.
I know this is the disease and not my mom yelling at me but I just feel so bad that I can't make her feel safe and calm at where she is.
Any suggestions?
Think I will join Denny and others for that wine!
If you have concerns in between conferences, then there should be a contact you can talk to. If not the social worker, then someone who is the designated person for family to speak to. Use this person to help figure out what's going on.
Sometimes Sundowning makes people become extremely disturbed, and it can start early in the afternoon. Nobody knows what it is exactly, but it is AWFUL to see. This might be a cause of your mom's behaviors.
It could be related to meds.
It could be a urinary tract infection nobody has found.
It could be pain.
It could be the dementia making physical changes in her brain.
It could be a nice combo platter of all of the above.
The only thing you can do is work with her doctor and the people in charge of her care to understand how to find the cause and what to do about it.
Ask the people who work there what the protocol is for someone in your mom's shape who may become disruptive, loud, angry, etc. I would want to know why they put her in her room, and what else they may have tried before that.
I mean they can't have somebody out in the middle of the common area screaming and swearing and being agitated. It gets others agitated and then there is a great big problem. Putting her in her room might be one of the ways they try to get upset people to settle. Ask how often she's checked on when that happens. I would think they would have a protocol for the aid workers to follow.
It's like trying to figure out what works with an upset toddler. Maybe they need less stimulation to settle. Maybe they need a nap, a change, a snack, or to just work it out of their system. It's entirely trial & error with human beings who aren't machines that follow a strict cause & effect diagram. Especially when brain change is afoot.
ALso, look at what you exect for care levels. If she is in a group setting in a NH, they are likly not staffed for a lot of one on one time. If you want her to have more individualized attention, maybe you need to look for smaller scale congretate housing. There are lots of choices out there these days and it boils down to what she can afford.
See All Answers