Follow
Share

I had to put my mom into a dementia assisted living facility. She is now very angry and aggressive toward my sister and me when we go to visit her. She never was like this when she was at home and I cared for her but now she tells me how much she hates me and never wants to see me again for putting her this "hell hole" as she calls it! The staff during the day can seem to deflete this behavior but the night staff just puts her in her room when she starts yelling so by the time I get there to visit she is in such a state I can't do anything to calm her down except leave. Her DR has put her on Seroquel but it isn't doesn't seem to be doing anything.
I know this is the disease and not my mom yelling at me but I just feel so bad that I can't make her feel safe and calm at where she is.
Any suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

48 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
I think that you should start out by calling mom's doctor for a change in meds (Seroquel did NOTHING for my mom's sundowning) and call the director of nursing to find out why the staff is just putting her in her room. If this is a facility that claims to be able to handle dementia patients, then they should have some expertise on staff.

It may also be that your mom needs some time to settle in to her new environment. Talk to the DON about what the timeline usually is for patient's settling in. As tough as it is, sometimes it's better to stay away for a week or more. I'm so sorry that you're going through this rough patch.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Get her out of there. Find a better place for her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Moving her won't help. Dementia is a slippery down hill slope. Maybe stay away from her for a while so she has time to adjust and see if a change of meds would help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Jk, let us know how it's going!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Perhaps you could check with the nurses once a week or so, and see if she has become calmer, and less angry. Like you said, "It's the Alzheimer's, not her". If this behavior is starting to fade, try visiting her again.Your feelings might be uplifted.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hello,
I don't have any easy answer for you. However, I am taking care of my mom at home and I know that she loves me even when she seems so mean. It is the illness talking through my mom. One minute, I am an angel for giving her such good care and not long after that I am mean and I don't understand because I am not going through what she is going through. She's right. I don't know and don't want to ever know. However, spend any time you can with your mom and know that she is sick and angry but that she loves you. Remember, these are people who were once vibrant and strong and they are facing reality whether they consciously realize it or not. I wish you and your family all the best!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
i went thru thw same with my momma...... she got aggressive, her dr put her on zoloft n respiridone... ita has seemed to help... alot of her anger is from sibling who used money that she swears she didnt approve... we have since moved back to my state and i get momma out around more ppl n go to bingo.... she does well for the most part....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mom was put on Seroquel&OMGOSH! Worst med. EVER, she has ALWAYS been mean&nasty 2 me, but Seroquel only ENHANCED it. Needless 2 say, she was QUICKLY taken off of it. I feel your pain, I am a full time caretaker for her&sometimes I about go BONKERS!! I would maybe suggest 2 the drs. 2 drop that med. & see if that helps. I wish u luck&GOD BLESS U♡
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
There is really nothing you can do for the aggresive behaviour because if you try and curtail it it could get more combative, they could get more aggitated. They cant help it of course, they do not even realize it, their brains are not thinking properly like you or I, I know you know that but, they are not going to remember to behave them selves, it will not register. My advice would be to have them in a place where they can be safer and you will be safer. When an elder on has alzheimers and it begins to become combative like that, then, as much as it may hurt our feelings, they need to be placed in a Memory Care Facility, nursing home. Bless their hearts, they do not realize. It will NOT be like you are throwing them away. They may cry, they may cry there, they may cry when you visit and leave. But, they would be around nursing staff, caregivers, doctors. in the Skilled Nursing Facility. If she or he do not have the funds..which it is so expensive these places, then, you can apply for Medicaid, and they would quialify. If they have money now paying the full amont for the Skilled facility until you spend down the money they have in the bank or savings, it takes around 45 days or so to get approved. Having some one come in is really expensive, one has to be in a Skilled Nursing Facility in order for Medicaid to pick up that cost.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Never assume the facility is on the up and up and it's always your elder patient. Just a heads up for you. I have actually lived in a community with elderly. What I found was that most ppl put way too much trust in a facility even above their loved one while the loved one suffers alone.Just saying you really should not dismiss everything to disease before investigating further. Your mom may have legit concerns.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My Dad was placed in several facilities within his first months of having to leave his home, due to aggression, agitation and excessive drinking, and then being unsafe towards Mom who had just gotten a new fracture in her back and was recovering. He was back and forth to 3 hospitals in between the facilities to have meds adjusted, until he finally got into a geri-psych hospital that specialized in the dementias and the elderly. When he was placed in the facility he is in now, and has been in for just over a year now....the beauty of this facility is that they have geriatric psychiatrists and nurse practioners affiliated with them, instead of just regular physicians. They are much more equipped at handling and adjusting the meds that work on the aggressive behaviors. Now if your facility that Mom is in does NOT have an affiliation with a geri psych office of specialists, you can look for your own...start with looking for a 'geriactric specialist' as the regular doctor and then ask them for referrals or have them consult with a geri psych person. My dad did not do well on Seroquel at all....and he's now on resperidol and trazadone I believe, as his main geri psych meds. Of course, we cannot assume that meds work the same on all individuals, and some of this agitation is also just the 'stage' of dementia that one is currently in. With my Dad, and as a retired RN....what I see happening is that this stage seems to come as the person moves from a mild to moderate dementia to the next level. It is like they have an awareness that things are getting worse, and they cannot make their brains work right anymore and they get very frustrated, thus leading to the agitation. Once they get into the next phase, where they cannot remember or put together logical thoughts for more than a few minutes at a time, they become more calm, because they do not have the frame of reference to get into the frustration any more. My Dad now only has times of short agitation, when there is 'too much noise' in his facility, or too much activity or commotion going on. He is excited and happy whenever my Mom visits or I visit....but thinks we've not been there for weeks, and that we were never coming back. He is easy to redirect into activities or other things to focus on. No longer does he worry about who is paying the bills, or how Mom is getting cared for at home, or anything outside his immediate needs. He doesn't remember who people are in pictures, or by name, but with a very short time of communicating about them, he can pull the details out of his brain and remember. And then, some days, he can sit and look at pictures on my cell phone when I visit and it all 'clicks' and it's like he never forgot family members. It is a very SAD disease. I am not looking forward to having my mother walking the same path now....and right behind her, may be my husband, who is newly diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
It really annoys me that once an elderly person is diagnosed with dementia no one takes them seriously anymore Your mum obviously hates where shes living and is mad that you put her there . She must feel helpless . I think the label of dementia is given far too freely Also dementia drugs can cause horrendous side effects Look them up and whatever you do be on your mums side and if she is deteriorating in this facility get her out You only get one mum Imagine how you would feel in her position Old people are being labelled and drugged for being a bit forgetful and drug companies are making millions Please stay close to your mum and respect her wishes You know her better than any doctor
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Same poor response to Seroquel for my mom. She hated the stuff! Risperdol has worked very well and she knows it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I would call two even three doctors and make appts with just so you get the right dx. (hopefully)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My Mother Is Going Through Dementia ... As Stated Numerous Times, One Minute, She Considers Me To Be The Best Son In The World And Minutes Later, She May Consider My To Be The Laziest Person On The Planet.

Some Of The Things That Come From Her Mouth Are Hurtful. I Take What She Says And Keep It To Myself Rather Than Defending Myself Verbally And Creating Argument.

Currently, She Is Takling Medication (Xanax) For Anxiety. Can Someone Recommend Anything, From Exercise To Medication(s), That Would Lessen The "Nasty" Effects Of Dimentia?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Lexapro has helped my mom with the sundowning issue. As stated by someone above, all meds do not work the same on all people, but if you haven't tried it, talk to the dr.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Talk to either a primary care provider (PCP) who specializes in elderly, or geri psych. I believe different medications will help. They all work differently so it may take some trial and error. Record behaviors to help the prescriber have a clue about how your loved one responds. Some are energizing, some sedating. Sometimes with elderly they work opposite/paradoxically from average person.

My Dad had a window of being angry, which was unusual for him, loss of driving, loss of control, overwhelmed by everyday stuff, easily confused. It passed. He is on citalopram now, helps him, does nothing for me. I take a small amount of Lexapro generic at night (more makes me sleepy) and it works great. I take Welbutrin day time. I used to take Trazadone, It will improve sleep, a small dose. My mom was on Prozac for a while following a stroke, it settled her anger issues. Later with Effexor - (Venlafaxine) to help with pain and mood. I am allergic to Vanlafaxine.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mother also has anger issues and likes to throw tantrums and says such mean hurtful things. We tried the Seroquel, it was a nightmare. Put her on Risperodone plus her Citrapolan. Hasn't stopped the negativity but the anger is less.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Pip it's not "trial and error" it's trial and terror. Anger may turn to violence as the condition progresses. One poster on here the other day said she had to lock away all guns and sharp instruments and keep her bedroom door locked at night. Long before it comes to that it's time for skilled nursing facility. Never, ever consider taking her back and stay away for some time, for your sake and hers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am so sorry for your situation. Your mom is angry and aggressive because she is afraid because you aren't there to anticipate her needs. She was okay at home because you were there to anticipate her needs and wants and made her feel safe and secure. Now, you are not there. I know because I am going through the same things with my mom. At home, I knew what she wanted and what she needed and she didn't really have to ask for anything. Because of the dementia (which is mild), at the nursing home, she does not seem to have the ability to speak up and ask - turn on the tv, get me some water, I am too cold, etc. - all of the things that I knew and dealt with that she didn't have to ask for because she cannot. I went to every drs appointment and test and sat in on all of them. I came to understand that my mom counted on me so much to be her "brain" and "mouthpiece", that she is actually afraid because I am not there with her 24/7 any more. Every time I see her at the nursing home, she grabs hold of me and says, "I am so glad that you found me", like I didn't know where she was. Her fear sometimes turns into anger and hostility, like she just told me, "you're not going to leave me here are you?". Visit as much as you can. I took pictures from my mom's life growing up and all our family get-togethers and taped them to poster paper and hung them on the wall in her room. I have three big ones so far. Every time I go, my mom thanks me for the photos as it reminds her of her life and her family even though they are not with her. She does not feel so alone. We talk about the photos and what was going on at the time they were taken, and because of the dementia, she doesn't remember what we talked about last time, so we have the same conversations all over again. When they have dementia and they have "locked" onto one of us, they are afraid when we are not there. I wish I could have my mom back home but she had a stroke and can't stand up and I work full time and cannot be picking her up from the floor anymore because she can't remember that she cannot stand up by herself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
We are all in this together - I'm glad this website exists so that we can be reminded of that and maybe find some help for situations that seem overwhelming. Every time I read a post, I think "OMG that sounds just like what I'm going through with my mom". I am starting an informal "group" with two of my friends from church who also have a loved one with some form of dementia. We are going to talk, drink some wine, and just have time together with some one who KNOWS firsthand what we go through on a daily basis. Hang in there, everyone.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Seroquel works great for my Mom. She has been on a 75mg dose once in the afternoon for sundowning. Wouldn't change it. Occasionally I need to also give her a xanax when she becomes agitated because two of her teenage girls have run off, gotten married, had children all without telling her! And grandchildren she has never met?! Horrors. Sorry, feeling a bit cynical tonight.

Think I will join Denny and others for that wine!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Put yourself in her place.Wouldn't you be angry at the world?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I agree with a lot of people here. Talk to her DR to get the meds adjusted. My mom is taking seroquel, namenda, aricept, and zoloft. With that med cocktail she seems to be a little calmer and more polite. The only exception is the bathing - HA - why is it that old people, and especially those with dementia/alzheimers, don't think they need to bathe?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Just a quick note: my mom has parkinson dementia and i have heard it is soooo important
They are medicated properly and at the exact
Intervals prescribed by doctors. Some facilities
Only medicate morning and night so be sure
She is being medicated correctly!!
God Bless You!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I do not agree with over drugging the elderly which is what is happening . Dementia drugs can shorten life expectancy and cause terrible side effects . I feel very sorry for old people who end up in homes being forced to take mind altering drugs . They deserve more respect. Psychotropic meds especially can be lethal and also cause falls . They are not the answer
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Truffles, I don't know what your experience with psychiatric drugs has been. Mine is that I would be long gone if I hadn't taken antidepressants for several years. I most certainly would have killed myself and at the time, the logical thing to do seemed to be to take my two young children along with me. So when my elderly mom started exhibiting the extreme anxiety, inability to cope with small issues and setbacks that. are often part of depression, I was able to have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist who prescribed an ssri. She is now on an additional antidepressant and is not drugged in any sense of the word, any more than a diabetic is drugged when s/he takes insulin.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Good answer, ba8alou. My mom takes a low dose of Lexapro every morning. Without it, as soon as the sun began to go down, she got morose, depressed and just impossible to deal with. Because she no longer exhibits those symptoms, her life, and mine, are a less full of angst. I don't believe in drugging people until they become zombies, but there is help with pharmaceuticals.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Many psychotropic drugs carry a black box warning . They can be fatal to an elderly person affecting the heart, causing heart attacks, strokes, causing liver and kidney disorders and even sudden death. Some doctors dish them out like smarties and old people end up on a cocktail of pills . Im sorry to disagree with you but I know that the elderly are being given far too many drugs spurned on by the ruthless pharmaceutical companies I have heard nothing on this site about the benefit of a healthy diet for the elderly and fresh air and sunshine . The chemical inbalance theory cannot be proven scientifically as a reason to overdrug our elderly . I am not saying some do not need medication but older people find it harder to break down chemicals in their body and too much medication can cause dizziness leading to falls , even death. There is too much polypharmacy: Treating the side effects of one drug as a new symptom of illness and prescribing yet another drug!! The health and wellbeing of our elders MUST come before the profit of pharmaceuticals . I am saying this because I care .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Truffles, these elderly have fatal diseases that is a stroke, heart attacks, UTI's are going to cause their death eventually. IMHO other sudden causes are much preferable to the slow, long decline of the disease. The behaviors that are controlled by psychotropics make the elder much more comfortable as well as those providing care. I cannot deny the benefits of healthy diet, exercise and fresh air but those alone in my case do not help my Mom feel comfortable.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter