Mom is in NH. I feel guilty if I do not go to see her a lot. Any advice?
Done so much for her in past. She never liked me. Sister came first. I found out in my early 50's that my Mom never liked me. I do no know why. I was always good to her. Never wanted to make her mad. Always tried to please her, but was never enough. Sister on the other hand was perfect. We all got along because I went along with them. Then one day, I realized something was wrong. Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types, meals on wheels, housekeeping, first alert, etc. my sister and bro-in-law live next door. They were no help. Could not be bothered. They did not want anything to interfere with their quality of life. So after many instances, with my Dad's permission, Dad was no help, went along with my Mom, did not want to make her mad either. Tried to explain to Dad, but he was in denial, I put Mom in NH. Dad has since passed. My question is, I really do not want to go see her a lot. I have grandchildren that I put on the bus in morning and get off the bus in afternoon. My personal time is limited. I feel Mom is well taken care of. Should I feel quilty about not going to see her often. I usually go every other Sunday and always take her out for Mom's day, Easter, mostly during the nice weather here in New York. Sister and I do not speak anymore. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!
In Chincos case this doesnt apply as far as I personally am concerned; my heart goes out to her, for she must have constantly been in turmoil, battling one side of her thoughts against the other.
Please can we offer support and guidance not anger. And Cat, while I absolutely defend your right to comment I defend mine to disgaree wholeheartedly (and then some)
What about thinking in more detail about how you feel when you take time out from visiting your mother to do other things, for yourself, for your grandchildren, for any activity in fact that you enjoy more - what is the guilt all about? Does it really feel as though you're doing something wrong? Or are you afraid of something: what she might say to you about it, what might be happening to her when you're not looking (nothing will be happening - we just suffer terrible imaginings), some other fear based on lifelong (and probably erroneous) beliefs about yourself and what sort of person you are..?
You're actually a person who has done a great deal for little appreciation or feedback from your mother. You are, indeed, not guilty. But if the feelings still bother you, find a counsellor, therapist or even trusted friend who can help you figure them out.
I don't want to comment on your mother. I don't know the lady, for one thing; but what's much more important is that, clearly, whether or not we care for our parents has almost nothing to do with what they're like and almost everything to do with what we are like. Some lovely people are ignored and exploited by their children. Some monsters are still lovingly cared for by abused but devoted children. Deserving don't seem to come into it - it's down to the willingness and ability of the caregiver.
You didn't do anything wrong, immoral, or illegal, so guilt is not necessary.
I think we mislabel a ball of very complicated feelings as guilt.
Remorse there are no other options now.
Regret that the wrongs done to you in the past can't be made right.
Frustration.
Grief that there are no more opportunities to fix the relationship.
Dismay that it's going to end without any sense of satisfaction.
Anger over what you missed in a close mother/daughter relationship.
Disappointment
Loss over what will never be
And so on.
I don't believe it's as simple as vanilla guilt. Guilt is something you can get past through penance, compensation, and restitution. This kind of situation will not be repaired by any of those measures.
You have to make your visit schedule work for your life, not the other way around. You have to prioritize your obligations, family, house tasks, and even your own down time. Leaving out down time will be a big mistake for your health & well being.
There is no one right answer for how often is correct. It changes over time and will be whatever you need it to be.
I hope this helps.
Chinco had turned the other cheek and had it slapped. Her sister lived next door and did nothing - does she have a right to be angry - yes she does and yet she still did her best by her mum Well done Chinco you have a wonderful family that you clearly devote your time to - that your mother isnt totally in that frame isnt YOUR fault its HERS not recently but over a long long period of time.
I just wanted advice and thoughts. And thank you JudeAH53 for your support! I appreciate it very much!
My mother was the mother from h*ll and I spent a lifetime avoiding her if at all possible. That said, I gave up my home, career and friends to care for her for four years until it was impossible to do it alone 24/7 (Parkinsons, many strokes and dementia). She's been in a nursing home for over two years now and I'm trying to rebuild my life..
She has no friends ... ran them all off over the years ... except one long ago acquaintance who visits about 3x a year. I've been visiting 2 or 3 times a week, running errands, ensuring she has all she needs, bills are paid and listening to the endless wants, demands and complaints, all of which are pure fantasy and delusions.
The 3x a year visitor is "golden" because she sits for a while and brings a small gift. Despite all I do and have done for her I'm the one who gets bashed for not staying long. I dread visiting and I've decided that from here on I'll visit every couple of weeks on a nice sunny afternoon when I can push her outside and spend a little time. Of course I'll get bashed for not visiting so often but I have to protect my health and sanity.
The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that we have limitations - and we do what we can. Please don't feel guilty for not being able to go see your mother more often. You and your family have needs too - and you need to take care of yourself. Your mother is blessed to have you. /\/\/\/\/\/\ (((((HUGS)))))
Oh, and let the anger go. That helps, too. Read somewhere that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. The visual in my head is me barfing up the poison while the person I am angry at looks on with total boredom. Silly I know, but it works for me.
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