Done so much for her in past. She never liked me. Sister came first. I found out in my early 50's that my Mom never liked me. I do no know why. I was always good to her. Never wanted to make her mad. Always tried to please her, but was never enough. Sister on the other hand was perfect. We all got along because I went along with them. Then one day, I realized something was wrong. Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types, meals on wheels, housekeeping, first alert, etc. my sister and bro-in-law live next door. They were no help. Could not be bothered. They did not want anything to interfere with their quality of life. So after many instances, with my Dad's permission, Dad was no help, went along with my Mom, did not want to make her mad either. Tried to explain to Dad, but he was in denial, I put Mom in NH. Dad has since passed. My question is, I really do not want to go see her a lot. I have grandchildren that I put on the bus in morning and get off the bus in afternoon. My personal time is limited. I feel Mom is well taken care of. Should I feel quilty about not going to see her often. I usually go every other Sunday and always take her out for Mom's day, Easter, mostly during the nice weather here in New York. Sister and I do not speak anymore. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!
Anyway, please don't put the burden of guilt upon yourself. You've done a lot already and you still make time to see her. I think you're doing alright. Give yourself some credit.
{{hugs}}
You wrote that your sister and her husband couldn't be bothered helping your Mom, could it be that they just gave up? Even your Dad couldn't help your Mom. Looked like everyone, including you, was on the same page.
Maybe it is time to start mending those fences with your sister, you could have more in common than you think.... wouldn't it be great if the two of you could visit Mom at the nursing home together for Mother's Day.
Holding on to anger at others only hurts you.
But, it does sound like that you have some hard places in your heart where others hurt you deeply...I hope they heal! So sorry things were unfair and you were the one who had to notice things were wrong and get care organized without help and support. Give a thought as to what their point of view might have been - maybe just uncaring, or maybe something else...maybe they feel more comfortable blaming you for "putting Mom in a home" rather than admitting the did not recognize the decline, or just could not emotionally handle the decline.
Parents who play favorites have no idea of the damage, hurt and harm they cause both the favored and the unfavored child!
Anyway, I just wanted advice about feeling guilty about going to see my Mom at NH. Thanks to all.
What about thinking in more detail about how you feel when you take time out from visiting your mother to do other things, for yourself, for your grandchildren, for any activity in fact that you enjoy more - what is the guilt all about? Does it really feel as though you're doing something wrong? Or are you afraid of something: what she might say to you about it, what might be happening to her when you're not looking (nothing will be happening - we just suffer terrible imaginings), some other fear based on lifelong (and probably erroneous) beliefs about yourself and what sort of person you are..?
You're actually a person who has done a great deal for little appreciation or feedback from your mother. You are, indeed, not guilty. But if the feelings still bother you, find a counsellor, therapist or even trusted friend who can help you figure them out.
I don't want to comment on your mother. I don't know the lady, for one thing; but what's much more important is that, clearly, whether or not we care for our parents has almost nothing to do with what they're like and almost everything to do with what we are like. Some lovely people are ignored and exploited by their children. Some monsters are still lovingly cared for by abused but devoted children. Deserving don't seem to come into it - it's down to the willingness and ability of the caregiver.
Thanks to my first response The Boogs. You made me laugh!! Thanks. This feels good.
If you can't shake the guilt at least push it to the far back in your mind. Don't let it drive your decisions.
Every-other week sounds like a good visiting schedule to me. Or once a month might work well.
What would you do if no guilt was attached? Would you visit her once a month just to check all was well and she was being treated right? Or not at all. Whatever works for YOU is the issue/
More's to the point in the same situation what would your mum do for you? How often would she visit you (and be nice)
You have no need to ever feel guilt about what YOU do with YOUR life unless its something really stoopid! Go visit when you want to and be nice and if she's nasty just leave. You are not the child you once were even if it still feels the same.
Care is not a duty to be foisted on the one who caves in to browbeating first and it seems like you bore the brunt of that. Time to stand up and brush that dust off gal...if your siblings don't like it tell them to do one. Take back the control of YOUR life. What will be will be and as the dementia progresses it is doubtful she will know you are you anyway. If the siblings ring you to moan ...hang up on them and then sit with a cuppa and just imagine their faces that their sibling could actually HANG UP ON THEM....grins and huge hugs. PS I find vasline on the shoulders helps those little conscience devils lose their footing and s;ip right off
You didn't do anything wrong, immoral, or illegal, so guilt is not necessary.
I think we mislabel a ball of very complicated feelings as guilt.
Remorse there are no other options now.
Regret that the wrongs done to you in the past can't be made right.
Frustration.
Grief that there are no more opportunities to fix the relationship.
Dismay that it's going to end without any sense of satisfaction.
Anger over what you missed in a close mother/daughter relationship.
Disappointment
Loss over what will never be
And so on.
I don't believe it's as simple as vanilla guilt. Guilt is something you can get past through penance, compensation, and restitution. This kind of situation will not be repaired by any of those measures.
You have to make your visit schedule work for your life, not the other way around. You have to prioritize your obligations, family, house tasks, and even your own down time. Leaving out down time will be a big mistake for your health & well being.
There is no one right answer for how often is correct. It changes over time and will be whatever you need it to be.
I hope this helps.
I cannot resolve matters with my Mom. It will end without any satisfaction on my part by telling her how she made me feel all these years. You hit the nail on the head there. I do have remorse in that I should have spoken for myself instead of going along with everything and trying to keep the peace. That was my big mistake and the reason my sis and I do not speak. Thank you!!
Letting the raw unedited feelings come out without judgement is very liberating.
Somehow, even though nothing changed in the world, I felt stronger after.
A thesaurus was a key part of this process!
One of the big ones that was profound for me was "I despise your purposeful helplessness." And "I am furious that you denied your own strength all these years so that I had to carry you."
I myself have done very extensive soul searching and I do like me.
Again, you have helped me!
Chinco had turned the other cheek and had it slapped. Her sister lived next door and did nothing - does she have a right to be angry - yes she does and yet she still did her best by her mum Well done Chinco you have a wonderful family that you clearly devote your time to - that your mother isnt totally in that frame isnt YOUR fault its HERS not recently but over a long long period of time.
In Chincos case this doesnt apply as far as I personally am concerned; my heart goes out to her, for she must have constantly been in turmoil, battling one side of her thoughts against the other.
Please can we offer support and guidance not anger. And Cat, while I absolutely defend your right to comment I defend mine to disgaree wholeheartedly (and then some)
I just wanted advice and thoughts. And thank you JudeAH53 for your support! I appreciate it very much!