Done so much for her in past. She never liked me. Sister came first. I found out in my early 50's that my Mom never liked me. I do no know why. I was always good to her. Never wanted to make her mad. Always tried to please her, but was never enough. Sister on the other hand was perfect. We all got along because I went along with them. Then one day, I realized something was wrong. Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types, meals on wheels, housekeeping, first alert, etc. my sister and bro-in-law live next door. They were no help. Could not be bothered. They did not want anything to interfere with their quality of life. So after many instances, with my Dad's permission, Dad was no help, went along with my Mom, did not want to make her mad either. Tried to explain to Dad, but he was in denial, I put Mom in NH. Dad has since passed. My question is, I really do not want to go see her a lot. I have grandchildren that I put on the bus in morning and get off the bus in afternoon. My personal time is limited. I feel Mom is well taken care of. Should I feel quilty about not going to see her often. I usually go every other Sunday and always take her out for Mom's day, Easter, mostly during the nice weather here in New York. Sister and I do not speak anymore. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!
My mother was the mother from h*ll and I spent a lifetime avoiding her if at all possible. That said, I gave up my home, career and friends to care for her for four years until it was impossible to do it alone 24/7 (Parkinsons, many strokes and dementia). She's been in a nursing home for over two years now and I'm trying to rebuild my life..
She has no friends ... ran them all off over the years ... except one long ago acquaintance who visits about 3x a year. I've been visiting 2 or 3 times a week, running errands, ensuring she has all she needs, bills are paid and listening to the endless wants, demands and complaints, all of which are pure fantasy and delusions.
The 3x a year visitor is "golden" because she sits for a while and brings a small gift. Despite all I do and have done for her I'm the one who gets bashed for not staying long. I dread visiting and I've decided that from here on I'll visit every couple of weeks on a nice sunny afternoon when I can push her outside and spend a little time. Of course I'll get bashed for not visiting so often but I have to protect my health and sanity.
Oh, and let the anger go. That helps, too. Read somewhere that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. The visual in my head is me barfing up the poison while the person I am angry at looks on with total boredom. Silly I know, but it works for me.
The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that we have limitations - and we do what we can. Please don't feel guilty for not being able to go see your mother more often. You and your family have needs too - and you need to take care of yourself. Your mother is blessed to have you. /\/\/\/\/\/\ (((((HUGS)))))
Understand how u feel about visiting. I would only stay an hour or so when we visited the hospital and rehab. I felt guilty but I can only tell her so much. Don't like just sitting around either. I think u r doing enough. She has another daughter who can share the time.
I have found, like in instance that the child who does nothing is loved more than the child who does it all. Never understood it. What goes around comes around. Your sister will pay for her selfcentered attitude. Do what u can when u can. Enjoy those grands while they are young. I've been told enjoy ur Mom because she won"t be here much longer. Meaning to put my gs aside. I look at it as I've had the best years with Mom. I'm there for her but she could live another ten years. That takes a chunk of my GSs life and at 65 mine.
Stop feeling guilty. You are and have done a lot more for ur Mom than some would have.
She is in a hospice now, and in the beginning I went 3 to 4 times a year - it is about 1h30' to get there - but because so was so thankful (I - the only one - took care of new clothing aso. when she needed them) that I have stopped my visits. It's now more than 3 years that I don't go anymore. Also because of suffering from lower back pains, but more and more because I really do not want to see her again. Why should I spent time for someone who hated me. I can only say this : be happy with your grandchildren and enjoy their presence. Take care and start loving yourself !! This is of utmost importance. You have missed so many love so now it is time to think of yourself. This is not egoistic. This is necessary to have an acceptable life. With you lots of strength and much warm hugs.
For those of you who have experience a hateful parent ALL their lives there is no guilt and if dementia means she no longer understands - that is not your cross to bear either. The damage she did to you far far outweighs anything you have ever done to her and now is not a time to try and turn back the clock - it wont serve any purpose other than to drag you down that road again.