Done so much for her in past. She never liked me. Sister came first. I found out in my early 50's that my Mom never liked me. I do no know why. I was always good to her. Never wanted to make her mad. Always tried to please her, but was never enough. Sister on the other hand was perfect. We all got along because I went along with them. Then one day, I realized something was wrong. Tried to get help for her, but she refused all types, meals on wheels, housekeeping, first alert, etc. my sister and bro-in-law live next door. They were no help. Could not be bothered. They did not want anything to interfere with their quality of life. So after many instances, with my Dad's permission, Dad was no help, went along with my Mom, did not want to make her mad either. Tried to explain to Dad, but he was in denial, I put Mom in NH. Dad has since passed. My question is, I really do not want to go see her a lot. I have grandchildren that I put on the bus in morning and get off the bus in afternoon. My personal time is limited. I feel Mom is well taken care of. Should I feel quilty about not going to see her often. I usually go every other Sunday and always take her out for Mom's day, Easter, mostly during the nice weather here in New York. Sister and I do not speak anymore. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!
If you can't shake the guilt at least push it to the far back in your mind. Don't let it drive your decisions.
Every-other week sounds like a good visiting schedule to me. Or once a month might work well.
Thanks to my first response The Boogs. You made me laugh!! Thanks. This feels good.
What about thinking in more detail about how you feel when you take time out from visiting your mother to do other things, for yourself, for your grandchildren, for any activity in fact that you enjoy more - what is the guilt all about? Does it really feel as though you're doing something wrong? Or are you afraid of something: what she might say to you about it, what might be happening to her when you're not looking (nothing will be happening - we just suffer terrible imaginings), some other fear based on lifelong (and probably erroneous) beliefs about yourself and what sort of person you are..?
You're actually a person who has done a great deal for little appreciation or feedback from your mother. You are, indeed, not guilty. But if the feelings still bother you, find a counsellor, therapist or even trusted friend who can help you figure them out.
I don't want to comment on your mother. I don't know the lady, for one thing; but what's much more important is that, clearly, whether or not we care for our parents has almost nothing to do with what they're like and almost everything to do with what we are like. Some lovely people are ignored and exploited by their children. Some monsters are still lovingly cared for by abused but devoted children. Deserving don't seem to come into it - it's down to the willingness and ability of the caregiver.
Anyway, I just wanted advice about feeling guilty about going to see my Mom at NH. Thanks to all.
But, it does sound like that you have some hard places in your heart where others hurt you deeply...I hope they heal! So sorry things were unfair and you were the one who had to notice things were wrong and get care organized without help and support. Give a thought as to what their point of view might have been - maybe just uncaring, or maybe something else...maybe they feel more comfortable blaming you for "putting Mom in a home" rather than admitting the did not recognize the decline, or just could not emotionally handle the decline.
Parents who play favorites have no idea of the damage, hurt and harm they cause both the favored and the unfavored child!
Holding on to anger at others only hurts you.
You wrote that your sister and her husband couldn't be bothered helping your Mom, could it be that they just gave up? Even your Dad couldn't help your Mom. Looked like everyone, including you, was on the same page.
Maybe it is time to start mending those fences with your sister, you could have more in common than you think.... wouldn't it be great if the two of you could visit Mom at the nursing home together for Mother's Day.
Anyway, please don't put the burden of guilt upon yourself. You've done a lot already and you still make time to see her. I think you're doing alright. Give yourself some credit.
{{hugs}}