I am 65 and lost my wife 12 years back. My mother is 86 and and lost my father 25 years back. We are staying together for last 8 years. She drives me crazy by doing everything which I tell her not to do do. Recently for last two years it is becoming practically impossible to cope with her. What do I do to improve my life.
Here I was convinced I was the only one going thru this particular hell( excuse my language). My Mom has never been
easy but now it's like a vindeta against me and my long suffering Husband, who by the way, is usually the ONLY voice of reason here. and a Prince.
She would most surely be in an ALF, except, she's an 88 year old smoker, oh yeah, with only mild COPD?????? Great mystery of life, right?
As soon as I can find a Caretaker or aSL facility to take her, she'll be there , but as this point I'm Slowly loosing my mind and trying despritely to keep my 50 year marriage together......
Hmm. Good luck with that one. My grandmother was the same: she would shovel her own snowy sidewalks into her late 90s. She was that way - driven from inside to always continue doing whatever she could. If mom has no diagnosed or noticeable decrease in cognitive ability, then...
It's difficult to change who someone is in their later years. Perhaps it's time to "elder proof" the home by putting in non-slip mats in bathroom and other surfaces that are likely to get wet, and installing grab bars. If your mother has a doctor (a geriatrician, hopefully) that she sees, talking to her doctor privately about your concern about your mother may be helpful, and doctor may direct mom to start using walker, etc., to keep her from falling.
Hope this is helpful to you. The more specific you are here, on this Q&A forum, about what mom is experiencing, the better suggestions you will get. But... certainly sounds like a common problem, where an elder believes themselves still capable of what they've always been doing. It's a time of change for her. It's not easy for anyone.
Ask her why you are not listen ? what you want actually?
Make some happy moment for her, realize her by doing some special things for her you son of her you want you mother back. You also needed her. And you having care for her so you are living limitation for her.
You are only 2 members in family and you have to live it by making happiest life.Each day is very important. We can not make time back so love it live it. Enjoy it.
Thank you
Do you have doctors nearby who can test her mental capacity? It sounds as though she may need full time supervision at this point.
I agree with you fully. But in my case its different. For your mother to take out vent you may be many people but I am alone. If I tell her not to spill water in the bathroom she will do it. A week back she fell in the bathroom and got injured. But still she is continuing the same. Ours was a orthodox family. These are nothing but sanskaras. Similarly I tell her many things to leave at this age. But she is doing everything that she was doing may be 50 years back.
For a time, I set my father up in the finished basement here. I gave him a kitchenette area - refrigerator, pantry, microwave, hotplate, toaster, etc. - and lots of room for his things and his life, separate from my things and my life upstairs. It worked great, for the most part, to keep him content and out of my hair daily.
Is there extra room in your house, or can you make room, to mimic you both having your independent lives even while you're living together?
Three of my mother of 80 years old, children, I being the oldest at 58 yrs old -- at one one time thought that her driving was a little annoying ...! An that maybe she should give up driving ...! I don't know about you all but I would hate for some one to take that right from me or any one else for that matter ...!
They are not children, an I don't believe they should be treated as such ...! Try putting yourself in their shoes, an see how you would like what you are doing to them ...!
Don't believe for one minute they still do not have the right to take care of them self, and their personal belongs such as doing their own laundry, and dressing them self in the choices they want or would make them happy ...!
Maybe it's time for you guys to break up. Can mom live in an ALF? Can you also live independently? It's unlikely at your ages that either of you will "change" so maybe change out the living situation. You still have a long ways in front of you and I personally would go batty living with my mother and "trying" to get her to do my will. It just wouldn't work.
You most likely have her best interests at heart, but she may just see it as you being bossy. My mother told me off, big time, last year when she was trying to get an unnecessary surgery done. It was an epiphany for me that she really didn't respect me (or my sibs) and our concerns for her. She just wanted what she wanted. I stayed away for about 5-6 months and after that, we were fine. I quit trying to "run her life" and when she annoys me, I leave. Much better for both of us. Good luck with this.
I'm a little OCD so I can sympathize. But in the end, if it doesn't hurt them, might as well let her have her way. One day I could tell Mom what to do, the next day she'd get mad. Look at it her way, she has done what and how she wanted all her adult life and now here child is telling her what to do. They get like children and need to be treated as such.
Try a more collaborative approach. She's probably not happy with her own situation so bear that in mind and try to support her and work with her. She's not an employee.
If she does not have any mental decline, then, I'd try to maker other arrangements. It's very stressful living with a difficult person. I'd explore other living arrangements. It's not likely she will suddenly start doing the things you ask and you are likely trying to help her. Some people don't want help. Maybe, she thinks she knows better than you.
You're not a prisoner. It might take a lot of work to improve your life but if you really feel that it's time consider alternative living arrangements.