I'm getting tired of having to stay home taking care of everything here while husband goes out of state to help his elderly mother. Flights are costly so one stays behind while the other goes. We take turns, but I usually only stay 10 days, that's all I can take with all the work there, and having to return home to stuff also. It's not good for our marriage either. Does any of you have the same situation?
In one of your replies you said you suggested Visiting Angels and your mother in law says she’s “ not ready for that yet “.
She’s never going to be ready for that as long and you and your husband are her free visiting angels.
Tell her and your husband , it’s time . You can’t be her visiting angel anymore. She has to hire them.
To me this is unthinking selfishness. My own parents endeavored all their lives to do ANYTHING not to be burdens to their children. When parents don't do that, then that says it all.
I am sorry, but at some point "what we want" just doesn't figure in the equation. In fact, if you've lived a little while when DID what you want figure in the equation.
I don't understand children who get drawn in this out of guilt, out of bullying, out of expectations of others, out of anything. It seems to me a lack of basic honesty to sit someone down and say "I am sorry. We cannot continue this. Let's help you explore YOUR OPTIONS." This can be said with love and with gentleness.
Time for a heart to heart talk with hubby about what needs to happen here, for MILs sake and for the sake of your marriage. You've done all you could and now it's time for others to take on this burden.
This is an unsustainable situation, for everyone involved.
Does your husband not understand that?
Have you considered saying "I can't do this anymore?"
When old age & dementia is involved, it should all be about need, forget their wants.
I want a new car, but I do not need it...big difference. And I don't even have dementia but I am older than dirt!
It is said that at 96 you have to make changes but thats how it is. Her child is now a Senior too. When Alva said maybe she can move "near you" she did not mean in with you. Not a good thing for two women to live in the same house especially when both are Seniors.
Some places have such advantages for their residents that once MIL sees how great it is, she may want to do it. What kind of life does she have in her house? No company, and things are bad enough that you MUST go there? At home she gets food delivered, but at AL she'd have friends to eat with, field trips, assistance to shop, go to entertainment, etc. etc. She has housecleaning help at home, but at AL she would too, and they come and they go efficiently, maybe when she's out having fun.
People get stuck on "I want to die at home." They have no idea what a burden that is to someone like you (and I've done it for my parents, so I know whereof I speak). Someday you may deeply regret that you spent precious days and weeks of your life jumping to the tune of an old woman who, deep in her heart, couldn't care less about you and your husband and your marriage. I know I do.
Let this sink in for a bit, and I may be back with more thoughts.
Planning if he's there for over 2 wks, I go in the middle for a few days, to get me out of here and to possibly have a little enjoyment with some fun, w/o mom. all the time.
Might be time to tell him that you will not be doing this anymore and if she needs that much care, she needs to be in AL.
He is taking advantage of you, it is up to you to stop it.
My mother is 98, this could go on for a very long time and your marriage will continue to suffer, if it lasts.
Stand up and be counted.
Of course she don't drive, but allows us to drive her car when we come, so that we can run errands, and etc. I also think she may live to 100 or more, ppl in warm climates live longer. I will start backing off a little more than I've been doing, and let her son go more often, with me coming for a few days during his time there, so that will help me mentally too. We have 4 feral cats who depend on us to feed them, and a big house, yard and bills that we have to take care of too, so that's why we can't go each time as a couple. We recently started paying a person to feed the cats twice daily when we do go for short getaways, in btwn going to moms. Life will change in the future, the question is, when with it change?
Instead of you cutting back or plea bargaining, put your foot down.
You can’t, and won’t, go out to mother’s anymore. You are done.
Since the husband and his mom think she is the center of your family’s universe, they can go on living in their fantasy world.
After a (insert long story) needs +++, my stress +++, professional & informal advice, then 💡 in short, I quit.
I thought my enabling may cause a floor to collapse. Didn't - but, the other enablers had to find replacement services. They did & more Non-Family help was employed. While resisted at first, now fully welcomed & much appreciated.
The Doll's House gained MORE support (without frying up family). Success!
Folk can think "oh they are ok, do most everything themself, just need a little help". Yet if it was YOU Dixie that ran the household, did the chores & errands & kept it clean, you have a magic dolls house situation too.
Let your Husband go to play House alone with his Mother.
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