I'm getting tired of having to stay home taking care of everything here while husband goes out of state to help his elderly mother. Flights are costly so one stays behind while the other goes. We take turns, but I usually only stay 10 days, that's all I can take with all the work there, and having to return home to stuff also. It's not good for our marriage either. Does any of you have the same situation?
The Hawaiian culture praises seniors as Wise Elders. Why she will never leave.
If your husband doesn't have the backbone to embrace your needs there is a marriage problem here.
This is all crazy, it is no longer about what she wants, it is about what she and your family need.
Stop going, let hubby take care of her, not your responsibility.
Believe it or not, you have rights, although you seem unwilling to stand up for yourself.
After a (insert long story) needs +++, my stress +++, professional & informal advice, then 💡 in short, I quit.
I thought my enabling may cause a floor to collapse. Didn't - but, the other enablers had to find replacement services. They did & more Non-Family help was employed. While resisted at first, now fully welcomed & much appreciated.
The Doll's House gained MORE support (without frying up family). Success!
Folk can think "oh they are ok, do most everything themself, just need a little help". Yet if it was YOU Dixie that ran the household, did the chores & errands & kept it clean, you have a magic dolls house situation too.
Let your Husband go to play House alone with his Mother.
You can make changes now, you don't want to, big difference. Obviously, your husband rules the roost and you follow his lead.
That is your choice and I wish you the best!
Turning up to 'fix' things is their go-to. Quick, fix it, go home.
Long term planning are skills I see clearly in many woman friends.. but even my own DH is like, see that problem, spear it, done. A cave-man really 🤪
I wouldn't feel good walking away knowing they depended on us, so that's a problem, but then again, If we decided to sell our house I could try taking them somehow with us, OR list it saying the cat family comes with the house, and hopefully get people who have a heart to care for them as we've been doing for over 6 yrs now.
My mother is 98, loves being in assisted living, new friends, bus trips, activities. She doesn't have to maintain a home, cook or clean.
You two are her crutch and don't want to face the truth, she is no longer independent.
She is his problem not yours, back away, let him do the lifting from now on.
Stand up for yourself now and let hubby feel the pain of doing all this nonsense for mother ALONE. Her needs and her wants are 2 different things and neither one of them will see that until YOU step OUT of the picture. You're enabling BOTH of them, don't you see that????
You say in your responses to us that you continue to do this, even recognizing that she needs to be in some assistive care, and you do it because "your husband is not ready" to force this issue.
That you continue is really, then, your choice. I wouldn't. I would tell hubby "Hon, I admire your supporting love for your Mom, but I am not up to it. I can't make this trip, do this care any more. I will come with you one day every few weeks, but I think your Mom needs to be in care now. My attempting to sacrifice my needs is simply enabling the denial that this needs to get done. I will let you and Mom make decisions now for her. And I love you, will be here to make YOU a lovely home and meals, and here to talk, but I won't be doing this any more".
Don't expect agreement.
Don't expect others to help; they have no intention of doing so.
Simply make your own choices for your own life and stop enabling this merry-go-round.
Best out to you and thanks for being so responsive to suggestions.
Next time you are in Hawaii do a hiring spree.
When both of you are out there get a motel for several days for the two of you.
Or, she does not really need those visits and dont do them.
If she is really in enough need to require visits of 2-3 weeks, she needs assisted living
My own mom who lives in senior independent living claims she does not need assisted living. My sister in law tells her, you already are in assisted living. It is called Karsten (me)
I should add while I have more toxic issues with my mom, I do live twenty minutes way so helping her out for her practical needs is not as burdensome as having to fly there for two or three week stretches.
Some places have such advantages for their residents that once MIL sees how great it is, she may want to do it. What kind of life does she have in her house? No company, and things are bad enough that you MUST go there? At home she gets food delivered, but at AL she'd have friends to eat with, field trips, assistance to shop, go to entertainment, etc. etc. She has housecleaning help at home, but at AL she would too, and they come and they go efficiently, maybe when she's out having fun.
People get stuck on "I want to die at home." They have no idea what a burden that is to someone like you (and I've done it for my parents, so I know whereof I speak). Someday you may deeply regret that you spent precious days and weeks of your life jumping to the tune of an old woman who, deep in her heart, couldn't care less about you and your husband and your marriage. I know I do.
Let this sink in for a bit, and I may be back with more thoughts.
It is said that at 96 you have to make changes but thats how it is. Her child is now a Senior too. When Alva said maybe she can move "near you" she did not mean in with you. Not a good thing for two women to live in the same house especially when both are Seniors.
Instead of you cutting back or plea bargaining, put your foot down.
You can’t, and won’t, go out to mother’s anymore. You are done.
Since the husband and his mom think she is the center of your family’s universe, they can go on living in their fantasy world.
In one of your replies you said you suggested Visiting Angels and your mother in law says she’s “ not ready for that yet “.
She’s never going to be ready for that as long and you and your husband are her free visiting angels.
Tell her and your husband , it’s time . You can’t be her visiting angel anymore. She has to hire them.
To me this is unthinking selfishness. My own parents endeavored all their lives to do ANYTHING not to be burdens to their children. When parents don't do that, then that says it all.
I am sorry, but at some point "what we want" just doesn't figure in the equation. In fact, if you've lived a little while when DID what you want figure in the equation.
I don't understand children who get drawn in this out of guilt, out of bullying, out of expectations of others, out of anything. It seems to me a lack of basic honesty to sit someone down and say "I am sorry. We cannot continue this. Let's help you explore YOUR OPTIONS." This can be said with love and with gentleness.
He can write a cease and desist letter which starts a paper trail, putting them on notice that you're on to their shenanigans.
Has DH accompanied her to doc appointments and asked about the wisdom of her remaining home alone?
However, the East Coasters.. yikes.
Has MIL nominated a POA to act on her behalf if she needed it?
your latest comment is a whole other issue - Sounds like you are saying that she is not that bad but that you are going there for 2-3 weeks to ward off the east coast family from coming?
this is a whole other monkey wrench then.....
Do they have assisted living in Honolulu? Just saying..
MIL doesn’t want to move from her house either? OK.
What about visiting angels/CNA's?
Houses. A place to live, roof over our heads. But also so much more!
Just because someone lives in a house does not mean they are still independant. That's a farce.
But sometimes familes can make a dependant family member's life stage work out. Sometimes they move in with them fulltime - would you consider that?
She is not disabled but uses a cane to get around and walker to go outside for mail or newspaper, she's actually okay for now, as a person who is 96, but not sure for how long. Sits at computer doing emails and replying to people. Reads the newspaper, and watches TV alot. She takes a couple naps each day, and sleeps approx 7-8 hrs a night, so she gets plenty of rest. She hires people to do yardwork, and sometimes a maid to do chores, except now that we're coming there more often maids are not needed as much.
#1 Timeframe.
Is this a short-term situation?
Eg rehabing or time-limited treatment - with hope of return of function?
Or long-term? A new normal.
#2 Fuction level - in your opinion, where does your Mother-in-Law's daily life mostly fit?
1. Independant: able to manage all activities of daily life inc medications, diet, hygiene, transport, home enviroment, finances.
2. Semi *light grey area* requires some help eg have groceries, meals, medications delivered, cleaning service. Help with larger financial matters. (Services could be set up but supervised long distance by family).
3. Semi *grey area* requires assistance to set up & manage home services or personal care services, help with money. (Needs more hands-on care on site).
4. Dependant. Unable to arrange own help/services. Requires family/staff for ADLs & maintain safe environment, manage medications, hygiene, diet, money.
These could be conversation starters with your Husband.
Call it Where Are We?
You need to know where you are, before you start planning how long to stay there & where to next.
She needs help. It does not have to be your husband or you . She can hire caregiver if she has funds .
If she needs a lot of hours of help or can not be alone, then assisted living may be more affordable .
Your husband needs to tell Mom this cant keep going on like this.
Does your mother in law have money or a house to sell for assisted living ? Would you and your husband want your mother in law moving closer to you?
I've noticed she has long term memory but not very good with short term memories.
Planning if he's there for over 2 wks, I go in the middle for a few days, to get me out of here and to possibly have a little enjoyment with some fun, w/o mom. all the time.
Time to talk to hubby. How is he feeling about this? It is not something anyone "has" to do. His mom appears to be failing and can not navigate taking care of her home and/or self any longer. If I were you, I would back out ASAP and help hubby come up with a game plan. Short term and long term - she probably needs someone to take care of her house and someone to take care of her. This could be difficult to coordinate, so selling her house (assuming she has one) and moving into AL is probably the best solution.
Hubby may feel uncomfortable with this and MIL may whine and cry about it, but too bad. Your husband needs to put his marriage first.
Best of luck.
Plus he's learning about everything since he'll be the executor if he's still living by that time.
I agree with you, she'd be good in assisted living place. But she doesn't want to leave house just yet. I figure in time she will have to so we're playing it by ear for now. And thinking of spacing out our visits there a little bit longer in between as she's still able to function w/o us there, just doesn't get much done and has meals delivered which makes it easy too.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
When old age & dementia is involved, it should all be about need, forget their wants.
I want a new car, but I do not need it...big difference. And I don't even have dementia but I am older than dirt!
Time for a heart to heart talk with hubby about what needs to happen here, for MILs sake and for the sake of your marriage. You've done all you could and now it's time for others to take on this burden.