This would be a joyous celebration for many families but my mother has been mentally and verbally abusing me for years. She is constantly misplacing things and then accuses me of stealing them. When I look for her things and find them she says that I took them in the first place. I am not allowed to get anyone to come in to help out a bit. My husband says I need a day away to get away from her but if we go overnight she will make my life miserable when I come home. Back to the birthday I am so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. She refers to me as the devil. I have a brother in Chicago but it is like being alone. Can someone help?
As for your Mom's birthday, have a simple dinner at home with just the 3 of you. Chances are your Mom may not realize it is her birthday. If relatives want to do something, have them send her cards.
If you can't manage the care, then tell your family and then explore getting outside help to come in and care for her or find placement for her in a nursing home or assisted living facility. It's a huge job to care for someone with dementia. Maybe, you are overly tired and need a break.
If your mom is this far gone, I'd just make an nice meal, get a cake and encourage friends and family to "remember her". That's about it. I wouldn't stress it one iota. If I live to 95, I'm sure the last thing I'd care about was the fact I was 95. And just smile through the gritted teeth :)
Please understand and accept the fact your mother is your mother and she will NOT change. She has been abusing you mentally and verbally for years. You must find the strength to recognize this unacceptable behavior and stop the enabling. Don't let her do this to you! Please Koko, for your own sanity, seek help. Take mom to an adult day care center. These folks are wonderful, the cost is minimal providing snacks, hot lunches and activities. Drop her off at 7am and pick her up around 5pm. Enjoy the day; go shopping, meet a friend for lunch, clean your house, dance in the rain...whatever. You will feel refreshed, emotionally stronger and much better to cope. Also, check in your area regarding respite care. Most places require a minimum of 2 or 3 weeks stay. Wouldn't that be nice? Perhaps your husband and you could go on a vacation, visit your brother in Chicago, ride the waves on Maui; enjoy time together away from responsibilities and accusations. Also, realize Koko, part of dementia is lying and blaming others. It is quite common as this terrible disease progresses. In my case, I am the sole caregiver of my husband suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 10 years. He is as stubborn as a mule, blames me, or our cat for everything...even when he pees on the floor! Don't argue with a dementia patient. It doesn't do any good and could exasperate the situation and lead them to violence. Walk away and let them rant and rave. Remove yourself from the situation. Another suggestion would be to talk to your mother's doctor. Most health facilities have mental health counselors available that PCP's recommend. The sooner you accept the fact that your mother cannot help the way she acts, you must help yourself keep your sanity. Do NOT feel guilty. And, don't let anyone else make you feel guilty. I worry about you. This is all to common a pattern with caregivers. They slip into a world of acceptance and false acquiescence hoping and praying every day that their situation will go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't Koko unless you are strong enough to make changes. Please keep in touch, but please act. Don't wait until tomorrow. Sometimes tomorrow's never come. Be grateful that you can walk, talk, and make decisions---there are those who cannot. God bless you.
I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your mom. And you are trying to be a good daughter by remembering her milestone birthday. I know its not easy as our parents get older. If you honestly don't feel like doing anything, I would just leave it. Sometimes its just too emotionally draining. And we all need a break.
I could be wrong but it sounds to me that you have not accepted that your Mom has dementia and that you are holding onto old hurts. None of our Mom's were perfect and I believe they did the best they could when they brought us up. My Mom raised 4 kids and it was tough for her as my Dad owned his own business and worked very long hours.
I was the kid that challenged my Mom constantly and in return my Mom abused me verbally (maybe I deserved it, maybe not). The point I am trying to make is there came a time in my life when I decided to forgive my Mom and that gave me peace.
My goodness your Mom is 90 years old, make peace first with yourself and then with your Mom if you are able to. Your Mom is sick and needs your help and she doesn't do the things you described on purpose.
Also, no one can make your life miserable unless you allow it. You are in control of how you react to others. By first accepting that your Mom is sick and can't help herself then maybe, just maybe you can find peace within yourself.
Wishing you and your Mom the best.
You know what? Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH. A mother who has been nasty and mean for many years is a mother who has been nasty and mean for many years. It's not just 'dementia', it's mean and nasty. Mental & verbal abuse for a whole lifetime does not mean she's had dementia her whole life!! A mother who has never been satisfied her whole life, no matter HOW much is done for her, is a mother who is never satisfied and cannot be pleased. She is a mother who loves to complain and gripe. Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH, and I can sympathize with what you're going through. Sometimes old hurts can never heal, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try. Try to step back and allow yourself to feel aggravated and overwhelmed. Do what you feel you WANT to do with regard to her 90th birthday (mine just celebrated her 90th on 1/20 and yesterday said she wished she had a gun so she could shoot herself). Figure out how to preserve YOUR sanity. I used to call mine twice a day, once on my way to work and again around 8:00 PM. The AM calls were bad enough, but the PM calls were insanity. So I stopped calling twice a day (at the advice of the nursing staff at the ALF), and managed to preserve what's left of my sanity in the process.
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, dear woman. All the best to you as you try to navigate through the mess you're going through.
I have read that if you were abused as a child, it's not advisable that you be the primary caretaker of that senior who abused you, if they are now physically or mentally disabled. It makes for an unhealthy environment. I'd seek professional help, if attempting to do that.
Vulnerable and incompetent seniors cannot be held to the same standard as a competent person with no cognitive decline, regardless of their past. Pain from the past, should be addressed with a mental health professionals and not the disabled senior.
Often I read answers on here that sound so good in theory. It is really not as simple as all that. I understand what you are going through. Many people think of a stereotypical type mother when we talk about them. Some of us were blessed with the "Let's Throw Mama from the Train" type mothers. What we can do is the things we think we should so we can look back and know that we did good. We don't have to feel particularly connected to what we're doing. Picking up a gift or going out to dinner are pretty simple things. It may be the best thing to do so you can feel okay about yourself.
Why are you not "allowed" to have someone come in and help?
If she is 90 you''be reached the age where you can use some relief. There's nothing wrong in that. You've also reached the age where you should be making your mother's decisions for care--not her. She's not capable of doing it anymore.
Have a quiet dinner to celebrate her birthday--acknowledge it but keep it low key and simple. Ask people to send notes via social media or mail --whatever there's time for and call it a day. I have my MIL a big party at 80 and pulled out all the stops to honor her. We had guests from three states. She was still living alone at the time and driving. After the party literally for three years she blamed the party for her failing health and said if I hadn't given it she'd be better off. Never again. She didn't have dementia --she just wanted to make me feel badly. That's why I asked if your mother had always been demanding. Those behaviors are actually exacurabated by dementia.
Keep it simple -- at 90 she's not up to anything big anyway and get some help in that house for yourself.
No one deserves verbally abuse --not even unruly teenagers. It is good that you've forgiven your mother but KoKo12 is getting hit with it every single day-it's not in the past.
My husband and I live in this situation constantly and it's very emotionally and physically draining. There is CONSTANT forgiveness to be done. KoKo12 needs help coping on a regular basis.
Not all elderly people are completely unaware and without control of their behaviors.
I think taking it to this online community here is a first step. What next? Go one step further. Find the others who are in a similar situation. In person if possible. My friend who was being abused by her husband for years told me that she used to meet with other abused wives at her WeightWatchers meeting and found support there, the one place they could escape their husbands decades ago.
I am not one to love "advice," but if I ever heard decent advice from anyone, it was the following three words, "Find the others." Find others in the same boat. Find other caregivers, or others who have been subject to abusive parents or abusive relationships. In one locale where I used to live a woman started a support group single-handedly, simply because she saw a need. This grew into a rather large and strong support network.
Depending on your community you might want to try Meetup. My own experience with Meetup is that it tends to attract a younger crowd only, but that is not true in all locales. Another option is your local paper, your library, local churches, or just put up signs.
If meeting in person isn't possible there are inexpensive ways that telephone conferences can be arranged. Hearing each others' voices by all means is more meaningful communication than the texting style of Facebook groups.
Be persistent and believe in yourself. You do not have to be alone with this.
The mental abuse from someone who has started down the dementia road does not get better until much later. The problem is what to do in the meantime. It's really too much mental anguish for one person to bear, thus the need for a special care for 24/7 full-time caregivers!
Having a rotating schedule of 8-hour shifts is the best way to spread the venom over a wider number of people to take away its sting. In an assisted living home, it's done efficiently and a relative is not in charge of filling in missed shifts. It can be accomplished at home too, but there is the problem of missed shifts and the toxic environment building up too strongly on one person
We chose memory care home when the time came and we have been delighted - all of us.
1.Think of your mother as being 6 years old. This allows you to step out of the emotional drain to figure out the best steps to take. If she was six years old(and she may be) , YOU would know this behavior is not acceptable and take steps to change it without feeling guilty.
I find often behavior is not what it looks like...so for instance if she is yelling at you because you are trying to help her, it may mean she is hurting, tired, afraid or unsure but does not have the vocabulary to say so. Try to look for a pattern. My Dad is grumpiest when he is tired(late afternoon or early evening) si at this time put the television on , or some music , or give her a cup of tea or cocoa (whatever she likes) and walk away knowing it's not about you. 2. Find people to a) bathe her, exercise her(physiotherapist)
Etc.
3. Do the vacation week we call it where she goes into a home for a week or 2, do not feel guilty she MuST take one for the team so to speak as you and everyone else are doing their part. This is her part. You can still visit her when you want but this is your chance to let other people worry about her and give yourself a chance to rest. After all, YOU give her lots of chances to rest! Get your husband to drop her off if you cannot do it . You need the rest.
4.Find a Day-away program where she goes for half a day or a full day once or twice per week. They will often pick her up and bring her home.
All of these programs in Ontario Canada are avaiacle through CCAC , although you do have to pay for the vacation week .
5. If you can afford it, hire a house cleaner to make it one less thing you have to do, even every other week or once per month if not once per week
7. Make food prep easier, places like Costco have great almost homemade food like salads, chicken pies, frozen vegetables, soups etc.
6.Check possible payment plans for yourself from her money if you are paying her bills etc and are power of attorney. This is all legal and you are not cheating her.
Just do one thing at a time and ask people for help!!!!!!
Remember no matter what you are doing give yourself credit! She is lucky to have you but please look after yourself first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i live nearby my mom [IL facility] so i am the one that gets to e-relay blow-by-blow the insanity to my sisters. they visit quarterly to see in person her decline, and are even less tolerant than i - or i should say have given me the 'ok' to not feel guilty. guilty that i cannot think of the right things to say to calm her; or to change the subject successfully [demented short-term memory? oh yeah! - but when she is ranting about calling the police because people are stealing her things, or wanting a bank card...she can be surprisingly non-forgetful!]
what struck home was the suggestion that she was always a woman who complained. in our case, none of us remember her ever saying the words "oops, i'm sorry." never taking accountability, always blaming anyone [dad, all too often] and everyone else for myriad daily 'LITTLE THINGS'.
for years. since we were kids.
[also 'lassie' - she was quite award-winning at presenting a smiling healthy person first impression. never acts down-right mean tho, rather her hearing loss denial is the hint of more hidden issues of decline...]
so - the dementia only brings out her lesser quality personalities. i [we] would likely have an easier time of handling the symptoms and episodes if it were only the disease and not the displaying of her innate bad points in a bigger blatant way.
Dementia is the wind that blows the veils around and eventually tears some or all of them away completely - when you think of this you may understand why the sweet person you knew becomes not so sweet anymore
However if you start with a bitchy person, they then become really the bitchiest because they have fine tuned bad behavior for years but even then they hid behind some 'veils' but those are gone/moving around now
As to her birthday: 1- does she remember that it is her birthday?
2- what happened last year? was she happy with what you did or grumpy?
3- this could just be yet another reminder that she is OLD so it could be like rubbing salt in wound as she might see it
So take your cue from how she reacted last year - if you decide NOT TO DO ANYTHING & she mentions it just say that 'she was so unhappy with what was done the year before that you thought it was be kinder to down play the day for her' ... then whip out the card you have in your purse so she can't say you forgot - hope this helps