This would be a joyous celebration for many families but my mother has been mentally and verbally abusing me for years. She is constantly misplacing things and then accuses me of stealing them. When I look for her things and find them she says that I took them in the first place. I am not allowed to get anyone to come in to help out a bit. My husband says I need a day away to get away from her but if we go overnight she will make my life miserable when I come home. Back to the birthday I am so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. She refers to me as the devil. I have a brother in Chicago but it is like being alone. Can someone help?
My oppologies for ranting of my own problems. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to give her a party. Nor should you have to defend your choice to your family until they are willing to do what you do for one week. Don't let her kill all your happiness. Get some outside help or get her out of your house. I refuse to have my mom live with me for ever it's not healthy , the world has changed and we have far more stress to deal with. I love my mother and would take her in again but she knows at some point she will have to go into some sort of home.
I was running myself ragged for a couple of years trying to plan the perfect Thanksgiving and Christmas for my mom (who didn't even know it was a holiday...) and then one day I said, "Hey, what am I doing? Let's just have lunch in her AL and call it a visit."
If it were me, I would get your mom a present online and and card, and a cake--let the grocery store make it. Done, and done.
It sounds like your mother may have “dementia”, which is caused simply by old-age in some individuals and by Alzheimer's in others. Dementia is caused by damage to the brain cells, and causes many of the behaviors you describe. It's hard getting old. But you should try to get help to care for your mother. Do not let her decide what is best, she doesn't know at this time. And do not let her abusive words hurt you (even though they do), she doesn't even know what she is doing or saying, at this point in time. But you do need to take care of yourself first, otherwise, everything becomes harder. As far as a birthday celebration goes, don't worry about it. She probably doesn't even know it's her birthday. Perhaps, just have a small cake to celebrate the fact you have great genes!
I know you said something about verbal and mental abuse, this is just as damaging though it's different. I know abuse affects people differently, but in the end, there's still some level of damage that's already been done regardless of the abuse type. Remaining in an abusive situation will eventually have you finding yourself doing the exact same thing to others if you're not careful. This is why you really need to get out of the situation. If you know what you're capable of doing because it trips something in the brain, you really need to avoid those types of situations so you can avoid any triggers
I am already an ocean away to protect myself. Family that stayed in her orbit are either dead, or have been burned so many times they have no contact with her. She refuses to have herself assessed. So she lives alone. She still drives. No one will turn her in, as she lives where reporting someone's driving cannot be done anonymously, and everyone fears her retaliation. She has dozens of guns and would have no problem either rationalizing shooting her family members, or making up a boo-hoo lie about thinking someone was an intruder, or that she acted in self defense. If she lives to be 90, I will be a shell of a person unless I fight to survive with every bit of strength I have.
My hat is off to those of you who can care for these dreadful people. My "mother" just happens to be the female who gave birth to me, but she was far too concerned with herself ever to have been a proper parent to me. For the past 20 years, I have spent many hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars trying to undo the damage she has done to me. I owe her nothing--she has taken too much of my life already.
Dementia is the wind that blows the veils around and eventually tears some or all of them away completely - when you think of this you may understand why the sweet person you knew becomes not so sweet anymore
However if you start with a bitchy person, they then become really the bitchiest because they have fine tuned bad behavior for years but even then they hid behind some 'veils' but those are gone/moving around now
As to her birthday: 1- does she remember that it is her birthday?
2- what happened last year? was she happy with what you did or grumpy?
3- this could just be yet another reminder that she is OLD so it could be like rubbing salt in wound as she might see it
So take your cue from how she reacted last year - if you decide NOT TO DO ANYTHING & she mentions it just say that 'she was so unhappy with what was done the year before that you thought it was be kinder to down play the day for her' ... then whip out the card you have in your purse so she can't say you forgot - hope this helps
i live nearby my mom [IL facility] so i am the one that gets to e-relay blow-by-blow the insanity to my sisters. they visit quarterly to see in person her decline, and are even less tolerant than i - or i should say have given me the 'ok' to not feel guilty. guilty that i cannot think of the right things to say to calm her; or to change the subject successfully [demented short-term memory? oh yeah! - but when she is ranting about calling the police because people are stealing her things, or wanting a bank card...she can be surprisingly non-forgetful!]
what struck home was the suggestion that she was always a woman who complained. in our case, none of us remember her ever saying the words "oops, i'm sorry." never taking accountability, always blaming anyone [dad, all too often] and everyone else for myriad daily 'LITTLE THINGS'.
for years. since we were kids.
[also 'lassie' - she was quite award-winning at presenting a smiling healthy person first impression. never acts down-right mean tho, rather her hearing loss denial is the hint of more hidden issues of decline...]
so - the dementia only brings out her lesser quality personalities. i [we] would likely have an easier time of handling the symptoms and episodes if it were only the disease and not the displaying of her innate bad points in a bigger blatant way.
1.Think of your mother as being 6 years old. This allows you to step out of the emotional drain to figure out the best steps to take. If she was six years old(and she may be) , YOU would know this behavior is not acceptable and take steps to change it without feeling guilty.
I find often behavior is not what it looks like...so for instance if she is yelling at you because you are trying to help her, it may mean she is hurting, tired, afraid or unsure but does not have the vocabulary to say so. Try to look for a pattern. My Dad is grumpiest when he is tired(late afternoon or early evening) si at this time put the television on , or some music , or give her a cup of tea or cocoa (whatever she likes) and walk away knowing it's not about you. 2. Find people to a) bathe her, exercise her(physiotherapist)
Etc.
3. Do the vacation week we call it where she goes into a home for a week or 2, do not feel guilty she MuST take one for the team so to speak as you and everyone else are doing their part. This is her part. You can still visit her when you want but this is your chance to let other people worry about her and give yourself a chance to rest. After all, YOU give her lots of chances to rest! Get your husband to drop her off if you cannot do it . You need the rest.
4.Find a Day-away program where she goes for half a day or a full day once or twice per week. They will often pick her up and bring her home.
All of these programs in Ontario Canada are avaiacle through CCAC , although you do have to pay for the vacation week .
5. If you can afford it, hire a house cleaner to make it one less thing you have to do, even every other week or once per month if not once per week
7. Make food prep easier, places like Costco have great almost homemade food like salads, chicken pies, frozen vegetables, soups etc.
6.Check possible payment plans for yourself from her money if you are paying her bills etc and are power of attorney. This is all legal and you are not cheating her.
Just do one thing at a time and ask people for help!!!!!!
Remember no matter what you are doing give yourself credit! She is lucky to have you but please look after yourself first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The mental abuse from someone who has started down the dementia road does not get better until much later. The problem is what to do in the meantime. It's really too much mental anguish for one person to bear, thus the need for a special care for 24/7 full-time caregivers!
Having a rotating schedule of 8-hour shifts is the best way to spread the venom over a wider number of people to take away its sting. In an assisted living home, it's done efficiently and a relative is not in charge of filling in missed shifts. It can be accomplished at home too, but there is the problem of missed shifts and the toxic environment building up too strongly on one person
We chose memory care home when the time came and we have been delighted - all of us.
I think taking it to this online community here is a first step. What next? Go one step further. Find the others who are in a similar situation. In person if possible. My friend who was being abused by her husband for years told me that she used to meet with other abused wives at her WeightWatchers meeting and found support there, the one place they could escape their husbands decades ago.
I am not one to love "advice," but if I ever heard decent advice from anyone, it was the following three words, "Find the others." Find others in the same boat. Find other caregivers, or others who have been subject to abusive parents or abusive relationships. In one locale where I used to live a woman started a support group single-handedly, simply because she saw a need. This grew into a rather large and strong support network.
Depending on your community you might want to try Meetup. My own experience with Meetup is that it tends to attract a younger crowd only, but that is not true in all locales. Another option is your local paper, your library, local churches, or just put up signs.
If meeting in person isn't possible there are inexpensive ways that telephone conferences can be arranged. Hearing each others' voices by all means is more meaningful communication than the texting style of Facebook groups.
Be persistent and believe in yourself. You do not have to be alone with this.
No one deserves verbally abuse --not even unruly teenagers. It is good that you've forgiven your mother but KoKo12 is getting hit with it every single day-it's not in the past.
My husband and I live in this situation constantly and it's very emotionally and physically draining. There is CONSTANT forgiveness to be done. KoKo12 needs help coping on a regular basis.
Not all elderly people are completely unaware and without control of their behaviors.