This would be a joyous celebration for many families but my mother has been mentally and verbally abusing me for years. She is constantly misplacing things and then accuses me of stealing them. When I look for her things and find them she says that I took them in the first place. I am not allowed to get anyone to come in to help out a bit. My husband says I need a day away to get away from her but if we go overnight she will make my life miserable when I come home. Back to the birthday I am so discouraged I don't feel like doing anything for her. She refers to me as the devil. I have a brother in Chicago but it is like being alone. Can someone help?
Why are you not "allowed" to have someone come in and help?
If she is 90 you''be reached the age where you can use some relief. There's nothing wrong in that. You've also reached the age where you should be making your mother's decisions for care--not her. She's not capable of doing it anymore.
Have a quiet dinner to celebrate her birthday--acknowledge it but keep it low key and simple. Ask people to send notes via social media or mail --whatever there's time for and call it a day. I have my MIL a big party at 80 and pulled out all the stops to honor her. We had guests from three states. She was still living alone at the time and driving. After the party literally for three years she blamed the party for her failing health and said if I hadn't given it she'd be better off. Never again. She didn't have dementia --she just wanted to make me feel badly. That's why I asked if your mother had always been demanding. Those behaviors are actually exacurabated by dementia.
Keep it simple -- at 90 she's not up to anything big anyway and get some help in that house for yourself.
Often I read answers on here that sound so good in theory. It is really not as simple as all that. I understand what you are going through. Many people think of a stereotypical type mother when we talk about them. Some of us were blessed with the "Let's Throw Mama from the Train" type mothers. What we can do is the things we think we should so we can look back and know that we did good. We don't have to feel particularly connected to what we're doing. Picking up a gift or going out to dinner are pretty simple things. It may be the best thing to do so you can feel okay about yourself.
I have read that if you were abused as a child, it's not advisable that you be the primary caretaker of that senior who abused you, if they are now physically or mentally disabled. It makes for an unhealthy environment. I'd seek professional help, if attempting to do that.
Vulnerable and incompetent seniors cannot be held to the same standard as a competent person with no cognitive decline, regardless of their past. Pain from the past, should be addressed with a mental health professionals and not the disabled senior.
You know what? Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH. A mother who has been nasty and mean for many years is a mother who has been nasty and mean for many years. It's not just 'dementia', it's mean and nasty. Mental & verbal abuse for a whole lifetime does not mean she's had dementia her whole life!! A mother who has never been satisfied her whole life, no matter HOW much is done for her, is a mother who is never satisfied and cannot be pleased. She is a mother who loves to complain and gripe. Sometimes it's just ALL TOO MUCH, and I can sympathize with what you're going through. Sometimes old hurts can never heal, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try. Try to step back and allow yourself to feel aggravated and overwhelmed. Do what you feel you WANT to do with regard to her 90th birthday (mine just celebrated her 90th on 1/20 and yesterday said she wished she had a gun so she could shoot herself). Figure out how to preserve YOUR sanity. I used to call mine twice a day, once on my way to work and again around 8:00 PM. The AM calls were bad enough, but the PM calls were insanity. So I stopped calling twice a day (at the advice of the nursing staff at the ALF), and managed to preserve what's left of my sanity in the process.
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, dear woman. All the best to you as you try to navigate through the mess you're going through.
I could be wrong but it sounds to me that you have not accepted that your Mom has dementia and that you are holding onto old hurts. None of our Mom's were perfect and I believe they did the best they could when they brought us up. My Mom raised 4 kids and it was tough for her as my Dad owned his own business and worked very long hours.
I was the kid that challenged my Mom constantly and in return my Mom abused me verbally (maybe I deserved it, maybe not). The point I am trying to make is there came a time in my life when I decided to forgive my Mom and that gave me peace.
My goodness your Mom is 90 years old, make peace first with yourself and then with your Mom if you are able to. Your Mom is sick and needs your help and she doesn't do the things you described on purpose.
Also, no one can make your life miserable unless you allow it. You are in control of how you react to others. By first accepting that your Mom is sick and can't help herself then maybe, just maybe you can find peace within yourself.
Wishing you and your Mom the best.
I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your mom. And you are trying to be a good daughter by remembering her milestone birthday. I know its not easy as our parents get older. If you honestly don't feel like doing anything, I would just leave it. Sometimes its just too emotionally draining. And we all need a break.
Please understand and accept the fact your mother is your mother and she will NOT change. She has been abusing you mentally and verbally for years. You must find the strength to recognize this unacceptable behavior and stop the enabling. Don't let her do this to you! Please Koko, for your own sanity, seek help. Take mom to an adult day care center. These folks are wonderful, the cost is minimal providing snacks, hot lunches and activities. Drop her off at 7am and pick her up around 5pm. Enjoy the day; go shopping, meet a friend for lunch, clean your house, dance in the rain...whatever. You will feel refreshed, emotionally stronger and much better to cope. Also, check in your area regarding respite care. Most places require a minimum of 2 or 3 weeks stay. Wouldn't that be nice? Perhaps your husband and you could go on a vacation, visit your brother in Chicago, ride the waves on Maui; enjoy time together away from responsibilities and accusations. Also, realize Koko, part of dementia is lying and blaming others. It is quite common as this terrible disease progresses. In my case, I am the sole caregiver of my husband suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 10 years. He is as stubborn as a mule, blames me, or our cat for everything...even when he pees on the floor! Don't argue with a dementia patient. It doesn't do any good and could exasperate the situation and lead them to violence. Walk away and let them rant and rave. Remove yourself from the situation. Another suggestion would be to talk to your mother's doctor. Most health facilities have mental health counselors available that PCP's recommend. The sooner you accept the fact that your mother cannot help the way she acts, you must help yourself keep your sanity. Do NOT feel guilty. And, don't let anyone else make you feel guilty. I worry about you. This is all to common a pattern with caregivers. They slip into a world of acceptance and false acquiescence hoping and praying every day that their situation will go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't Koko unless you are strong enough to make changes. Please keep in touch, but please act. Don't wait until tomorrow. Sometimes tomorrow's never come. Be grateful that you can walk, talk, and make decisions---there are those who cannot. God bless you.
If your mom is this far gone, I'd just make an nice meal, get a cake and encourage friends and family to "remember her". That's about it. I wouldn't stress it one iota. If I live to 95, I'm sure the last thing I'd care about was the fact I was 95. And just smile through the gritted teeth :)
If you can't manage the care, then tell your family and then explore getting outside help to come in and care for her or find placement for her in a nursing home or assisted living facility. It's a huge job to care for someone with dementia. Maybe, you are overly tired and need a break.
As for your Mom's birthday, have a simple dinner at home with just the 3 of you. Chances are your Mom may not realize it is her birthday. If relatives want to do something, have them send her cards.