I take care of all of my mother’s financial responsibilities using money from her savings account. If I return the bank book she will see how much has been removed since I’ve taken over. She is quite angry knowing that I have the book. I tell her it’s at my home under lock and key. She obsesses over it. Any suggestions for handling the situation better?
If you have nothing to hide what is the issue?
Find something that is very simplified for her to hang onto. I gave my mom a checkbook from an old account that satisfied her.
Before I took over (under her DPOA) for her finances, she would receive the paper statements and throw them away intact. I stopped the hard copies of her statements and received them electronically.
I opened a checking account in her name (and mine; she'd never had one before) and transferred her pension and SS and her auto-bill-pay to this account. I kept her savings account "isolated" from the checking account. I kept about $100 in her savings account and it was just for her to be driven to the bank, she could hand over her bank book, and withdraw cash for her spending (usually she just bought us lunch and gas for driving her around).
She was happy and I was happy. Easy peasy.
Good luck!
She almost had a heart attack when I told her what the nursing home cost. But then I drove the point home that her money is there to pay for that care! What else would it be used for? Save it for the inheritance of the sons who never visit? F them! She had been in an assisted living that was obviously less expensive before she was in the nursing home but she did poorly there and required more care. Her medical condition is such that she cannot be adequately cared for in her home. She can't walk, toilet herself or manage her medications, and there is no social stimulation at home. So I told her, what do you want? We are lucky we have the money for you to be in this nice nursing home and Medicaid will pick it up when we run out! Would you rather be at home where your sons still wouldn't visit, and you'd fall and be dead within a couple of months? If so, you're on your own!
After that, the reality sank in and she didn't put up any fuss. I think she just wanted to feel like she was in control and was informed.
Show her it's something she doesn't have to worry about. I take care of all my dad's money, and have asked him if he wants to see his taxes, bank book, etc. He says no, but then periodically will ask if this or that got paid. I assure him it's been done, and we move on. He's very happy not dealing with the day to day.
Her AL fees are paid out of her accounts, a nice sum since we sold her house, and should be enough to pay the fees for 5-6 years. She is 92 so I have my fingers crossed it will be enough. Mom occasionally asks me how much we are paying the AL, how much money she has etc, so I show her all the statements and explain the payments.
I don’t think she really comprehends the amounts but I try to make her feel she is in control. We tried letting her have checks but she couldn't remember how to fill one out. We tried giving her a credit card but she keeps hiding and misplacing her wallet so I confiscated that. Cash is good, she still remembers how to use that!
I've said, the bank has it all online now, no passbooks or balance books anymore. It's taken care of.
Mthr does not know the difference since she has a different bank than every one else. It's safe too.
Your mother may be comforted by talking about the percentages instead of the actual numbers too. A lot of older people lose touch with current pricing. I remember my grandmother being really concerned about some eye drops costing $28 for a month's supply when she had more than $40,000 in her investment savings account until I pointed out the interest from her savings would buy a dozen bottles of eye drops each month.
This relieved her underlying worry of 'will I have enough money to live on!' - I always gave her same figure of $119,000 & because it wasn't an even number it seemed more accurate to her [real figure was more] so that hearing a familiar number re-assured her just because it was a familiar number & after a while she stopped focusing on that subject
I hope this helps you as your mom is in the 'worry' stage - let the bank know that any withdrawals she does must be co-signed by you just in case someone comes along who is unethical
Savings books, I didn't think banks used them anymore. And if they give one, its just for you personally to keep records. Can u ask the bank for another one and fill it in and give it to her. People suffering from Dementia get fixated on one thing and won't let it go.