Mother wants savings bank book back. Any suggestions?

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Mother wants savings bank book back. Any suggestions?

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I take care of all of my mother’s financial responsibilities using money from her savings account. If I return the bank book she will see how much has been removed since I’ve taken over. She is quite angry knowing that I have the book. I tell her it’s at my home under lock and key. She obsesses over it. Any suggestions for handling the situation better?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Financial Planning

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Not sure why, but money is one thing they seem to get fixated on when they age. With my Mom she had Dementia. She was in an AL and would say "We need to talk". That meant talk about money. She could never give me a good reason for needing it. "Oh, that girl is collecting money for something" Now, I am sure that ALs do not allow solicitations when it comes to residents. There were no vending machines to by snacks and she never went on shopping outings. She was a fall risk and couldn't follow directions so I felt she was safer at the AL. So, just told her I don't carry that much money around so will bring it next time which she
Savings books, I didn't think banks used them anymore. And if they give one, its just for you personally to keep records. Can u ask the bank for another one and fill it in and give it to her. People suffering from Dementia get fixated on one thing and won't let it go.

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I always told my mom the same figures that where way below the actual ones - however I told her repeatedly that she had enough money until she was 119 but after that we would have to see what we could do for her - she got a kick out of this [FYI her aunt reached close to 101] & would laugh & joke about not living to 119

This relieved her underlying worry of 'will I have enough money to live on!' - I always gave her same figure of $119,000 & because it wasn't an even number it seemed more accurate to her [real figure was more] so that hearing a familiar number re-assured her just because it was a familiar number & after a while she stopped focusing on that subject

I hope this helps you as your mom is in the 'worry' stage - let the bank know that any withdrawals she does must be co-signed by you just in case someone comes along who is unethical

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My father with vascular dementia was very angry when I gained guardianship, placed him in MC against his wishes and sold his house to pay for it so he brought up his money during every visit. Once my father grew accustomed to his MC, he became concerned about how much it cost because he was afraid he would have to leave when his money ran out. I sat down with him one afternoon and showed him how we were paying for the MC with his monthly SS+pension and a draw down from savings created by the house sale, I used percentages along with actual numbers so he could see his monthly income was paying almost 70% of the cost and the monthly draw down was less than 1% of the account balance. Once he knew there was enough money to private pay until the MC would keep him even if he went on Medicaid, he seemed reassured and seldom asked about his money again. When he did ask, I would answer he still had enough to meet all his needs; he never asked about the actual numbers again.

Your mother may be comforted by talking about the percentages instead of the actual numbers too. A lot of older people lose touch with current pricing. I remember my grandmother being really concerned about some eye drops costing $28 for a month's supply when she had more than $40,000 in her investment savings account until I pointed out the interest from her savings would buy a dozen bottles of eye drops each month.

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Ditto here! I let my Mom keep her checkbook in her purse. When I need to pay the few bills she has, I remove it. If I fail to immediately replace it in her purse, she asks me about it. I always tell her that it's on my desk and she's welcome to take it. My 100-year-0ld Mom lives with me and rarely goes out. If she does go out, I remove the check book from her purse and leave it in her room.

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Make sure NO account numbers or balances with real numbers are anywhere near your mom. The people caring for her may be perfectly honest, but the kleptomaniacs who steal while they are in a nursing home are another story. When they get moved out, they end up keeping a lot of the stolen goods. Then a relative of theirs may get their hands on Grandma's checkbook, see a balance of $59,000, and go to town hiring hackers and the like to get the money.

I've said, the bank has it all online now, no passbooks or balance books anymore. It's taken care of.

Mthr does not know the difference since she has a different bank than every one else. It's safe too.

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Stand firm. She cannot control her finances so she should not have a bank book back in her possession. Good grief, NO.

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I have Mom’s POA and also handle all her finances. She is in AL and has started having problems with short term memory. I make sure she has pocket money and routinely pickup needed items. All her bills are paid from her checking account and I get the statements at my home.

Her AL fees are paid out of her accounts, a nice sum since we sold her house, and should be enough to pay the fees for 5-6 years. She is 92 so I have my fingers crossed it will be enough. Mom occasionally asks me how much we are paying the AL, how much money she has etc, so I show her all the statements and explain the payments.

I don’t think she really comprehends the amounts but I try to make her feel she is in control. We tried letting her have checks but she couldn't remember how to fill one out. We tried giving her a credit card but she keeps hiding and misplacing her wallet so I confiscated that. Cash is good, she still remembers how to use that!

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Would she be happy with an old, outdated bank book? (Hopefully with an old number on it).

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GOOD IDEA!

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What does she really want to know? Does she just want to know how much is being spent monthly? Most older folks who still have an understanding of money, worry about running out of it. If you think the balance is an issue, then alter it and give it back.
Show her it's something she doesn't have to worry about. I take care of all my dad's money, and have asked him if he wants to see his taxes, bank book, etc. He says no, but then periodically will ask if this or that got paid. I assure him it's been done, and we move on. He's very happy not dealing with the day to day.

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The best advice is that you have the bank book at home in a safe place. If she feels she "needs" money, give her a reloadable gift card from Visa, MC or American Express with a low amount on it. Tell her she can use this to "withdrawn money" from her account up to the allowable limit. It may give her back a feeling of control.

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Why can't you get a copy for for her; it is her right & would make her feel included.

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They probably wouldn't "die" if they saw the amount. The problem is--if demented mom is still the account holder and she has access to a phone, she can call the bank and tell them to stop you from accessing her money.

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Well, actually no. As a banker we really cannot confirm who is on the phone. However, in order for the daughter to take care of any of the banking she would have to be an authorized signer on the account. Additionally, to be an authorized signer she would have to be the POA with documented proof retained on file with the bank.

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Just keep telling her it is at your house and safe. I know it's hard. Don't feel guilty. You are actually doing her a favor. If Need be, get another savings register, doctor it and give it to her. Worked for us. Good luck

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I struggled with this too. At the beginning of the year, my mom kept asking me how much money she had and how much the nursing home cost. I didn't feel right about keeping her in the dark, and fully disclosed every penny in, every penny out and every penny in the bank.

She almost had a heart attack when I told her what the nursing home cost. But then I drove the point home that her money is there to pay for that care! What else would it be used for? Save it for the inheritance of the sons who never visit? F them! She had been in an assisted living that was obviously less expensive before she was in the nursing home but she did poorly there and required more care. Her medical condition is such that she cannot be adequately cared for in her home. She can't walk, toilet herself or manage her medications, and there is no social stimulation at home. So I told her, what do you want? We are lucky we have the money for you to be in this nice nursing home and Medicaid will pick it up when we run out! Would you rather be at home where your sons still wouldn't visit, and you'd fall and be dead within a couple of months? If so, you're on your own!

After that, the reality sank in and she didn't put up any fuss. I think she just wanted to feel like she was in control and was informed.

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She has a right to know her finances......why can you show her the bank statements?

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She's similar to my father. Worried about spending a lot. If she knew, she would probably fire the caregiver or something.

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Hmmmm. This is a tricky one. My mother would have a stroke if she knew how much money was being spent on her care each month, so I keep all of her finances a secret. I am her financial POA and use her money for her care only, so there's nothing to hide, but at the same time, I do not need her seeing the figures, that's for sure! Can you somehow rig a new bank book to show her? Get one of the grand kids to whip something up on the computer that looks like her old bank book and have the old $$ numbers typed in, and let her see that. With photoshop and things, I'd think a computer savvy person could easily create something similar to her old bank book........? Other than that, maybe print out a bank statement online, white out the numbers and type in the numbers she wants to see? Or keep using diversionary techniques to distract her from the original question......but that may only last SO long, right?

Good luck!

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Thank you for this idea. I could never show her the amount being spent on her care. She isn’t capable of understanding her monthly bank statement, even monthly bills confuse her. I’ve returned her checkbook since I now pay the majority of her bills online with the rest coming to my address. Gladimhere suggested asking the bank for a duplicate bank book and I will try that today. If they won’t I will find someone to create a duplicate. Again, thanks for the help. We all understand the difficulty of caregiving and I greatly appreciate everyone’s suggestions.

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My mom had dementia and she clung to her savings account bank book. It was important to her as it made her feel like she was in control. She carried her savings account bank book in her purse. This account was one she'd had forever, and her pension and social security were deposited in it and all her bills were paid from.

Before I took over (under her DPOA) for her finances, she would receive the paper statements and throw them away intact. I stopped the hard copies of her statements and received them electronically.

I opened a checking account in her name (and mine; she'd never had one before) and transferred her pension and SS and her auto-bill-pay to this account. I kept her savings account "isolated" from the checking account. I kept about $100 in her savings account and it was just for her to be driven to the bank, she could hand over her bank book, and withdraw cash for her spending (usually she just bought us lunch and gas for driving her around).

She was happy and I was happy. Easy peasy.

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I used to bring my father a copy of his statement. Make her a copy once a month. Itemize all withdrawals

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Would the bank issue a duplicate? Bank statements are impossible for those with dementia and likely cause additional agitation, even from just not understanding what they are reading.

Find something that is very simplified for her to hang onto. I gave my mom a checkbook from an old account that satisfied her.

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Thank you, I will go to the bank today!

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Are you using all the money for her? If so, then there should be a paper trail substantiating what has been paid out. It is her money, she has every right to know where it has gone.

If you have nothing to hide what is the issue?

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My mother would literally have a stroke and die if she knew how much of her money was being spent for her care every month! I have nothing to 'hide' from her, yet I'd never consider showing her bank statements either! Some things are best left unsaid, especially when dementia is at play.

Mother wants savings bank book back. Any suggestions?

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