After months of suffering and trying to figure out what to do we finally found what seems like a solution, me and my mother are moving out of my grandma's house, we already found a place and will hopefully move at the end of the month. My mom and I have been taking care of my grandma for 6 years, she has Vascular dementia and it's taking over our lives completely, we can no longer go out, we have to sleep in shifts, it's a nightmare. I'm mentally ill, my mother had a severe heart attack two years ago and had surgery, we just can't live under all this stress, I think it's time to admit we can't do it and start living our lives. My mother is going to call her brother and sister ( they simply stopped visiting and calling their sick mother ) to inform them that we are moving, from them on it will be up to them to take care of my grandma. I think getting away from here will do me good but still I feel so guilty, I love my grandma and I don't want to leave her but then I think about my future and how life here is damaging me, I have to think about me and about my mother too, it's a painful situation, no matter what I do I know I'm going to suffer. Is this selfish of us? I also don't know how will I handle my grandma's situation once we move, due to my mental illness I don't know how to react to painful or stressing situations and I end up having attacks, I'm not sure if I will be able to keep in touch with her.
Hannah, I think you show great courage and maturity in reaching your decision. The only justification for feeling guilty is if you abandoned your grandmother, which you're not doing. As long as you help find care for her, you've passed the torch along to someone else.
Another way to view this is as a job, for which the demands and needs have outgrown your qualifications and limitations. That's not to suggest you're not qualified. It's a frank but CONFIDENT assessment of your capabilities.
Sometimes I like to think of it in business terms and applications. As a paralegal and then contract administrator, I had a nice comfortable level of responsibility, but it didn't involve interpreting or researching case law. Paralegals don't have the qualifications to do that, although some think they do.
When an assignment reached the point of case law research and/or interpretation, I told the attorney what I had found, but qualified it that I didn't really feel competent to make those kinds of conclusions or decisions.
You're recognizing that the care needed has exceeded what you and your mother can and are willing to give. There's no guilt or shame in that - rather it's a very wise, mature and insightful assessment of the situation.
I wish you, your mother, grandmother and family all the best as you move on to more healthy situations.
My heart goes out to you!
At least you have the option of moving out.
Assisted living and other facilities ARE expensive.
BUT, there are programs to help those on limited income.
These use Grandma's Social Security income, Medicare, any retirement or other assets she has, and lastly, some State Aid, if needed, to cover costs in a facility.
It would be reasonable and responsible to contact Social Services and get them involved, now---before you leave---if they aren't already.
Report her health and living and financial conditions, and, that as of [insert date], she no longer has caregivers in her home.
That is part of "due diligence" on you and your Mom's part.
That way, they can come to the house to assess her situation, and maybe get home-care assigned for her, so she is not alone.
Social Services then has a record on her, if they don't already
--it makes helping Grandma easier, all around.
That could help your transitioning out of her house; you'd be, essentially, turning over responsibility for Grandma to Social Services, as seamlessly as possible, being responsible adults about doing what you can to keep Grandma safe in your absence.
Then contact relatives to see if they want to come take care of Grandma as of [insert date]. Let them know you already got Social Services involved.
Be aware that some people and officials will say things that sound guilt-trip-inducing.
You've done your part---6 years without let-up, despite both your own health challenges, is above and beyond the call of duty.
Some might disagree; they might sling accusations-- Please understand, those are more those folks' own guilt that they never did their part to help.
Remember, you and your Mom have - D.o.n.e. - your part, beyond what any 2 people can bear. You deserve some peace, healing, and a Life.
No rule or law requires younger generations to caregive to the point of destroying themselves, not their health and well-being, not their finances.
We all need help sometimes.
Anyone who guilt-trips you, after what you've already accomplished, is using bully-tactics----it's fair to call them on that, on the spot, and walk away.
IF the bullying person cannot understand nor change, it's fair to put distance between you and that person, to protect yourself. Sometimes the best we can do, is love someone from a safe distance, and strive to remember the good things about them from that safe distance---we can more easily remember the good parts, once we get clear of that person's bad behaviors---the good of them we remember, is their real self; that memory of the good of them, helps us heal our broken hearts, too. But sometimes, we can't do any of that, while still being mistreated by the person.
It sounds like you've experienced too much challenging behaviors from Grandma. Even just a couple years of experiencing her declining mental health is enough to cause someone to lose their own mental health, living in such close conditions with an unbalanced person.
It does not take long, before the crazy ideas in the demented mind, start making lone-caregivers... [those who lose healthy contact with their community and their dreams and aspirations due to caregiving limitations]... start doubting their own inner truth and knowledge---I've lived that.
Sometimes, it's just prudent to love someone from a safe-distance.
We cannot make someone else, much less a dementia-impaired elder, change to be better people.
But we can take prudent, rational steps to protect ourselves from further harm from them.
They don't mean to be that way.
They cannot help themselves, and we are not supposed to take it personal.
But it sure feels personal when their verbal and/or physical attacks keep shattering our hearts and spirits.
It sounds like this move is for the best.
I hope it goes well for you and your Mom!
Please keep us posted!
Don't know how much care grandmother required in the past 6 yrs. Did she establish a plan for her care? POA? Advanced directive and person to implement it?
If not just leaving an elder with dementia alone isn't really a plan for her. If she has other children then she needs them to get the paperwork in order and decide what type of care in the home or NH is best for grandmother. Not knowing the age and diagnosis of grandmother and daughter (s) it is hard to offer sound advice.
Without a plan for grandmother, she will be left to whatever placement the agencies can provide and they are normally not the best situation. We need to have a plan and family members to help work the plan when we get to the stage we can not care for ourselves.
You need to feel and be strong in order to even talk with your grandma, I agree with Carol, take it day by day. Hugs
If your relatives can't handle the situation, then someone needs to call adult protective services and let them know that your grandma is alone (if there's no social worker involved yet). It's their job to figure something out. If need be, you can explain your health and that of your mother. It's time for outside care.
If your mental illness doesn't allow you to keep in contact, that's okay. The extra stress may make your own health deteriorate. You'll have to decide that on a day to day basis. Perhaps if social services can get your grandma settled in a nursing home and she begins to do okay, you could visit, but in this case your own health must come first.
You and your mom need to take care of yourselves. That's the bottom line. You've done far more, already, than most people could under these circumstance. Don't back down.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
If your aunt and uncle do not step up and arrange proper care of Grandma, I hope your mom will report the situation to Adult Protection Services. I know that neither of you want to see her left to fend for herself so be sure to get some public agency involved if Grandma's other children don't take over.