She is diabetic and partially blind. She can do almost everything by herself but she chooses not to. She’s obese. The only help she needs is filling insulin syringes because digits are way too small for her to see, otherwise she has social media accounts and she is active so she can read. My boyfriend is very submissive, doing everything for her and refusing to move out or even allow our relationship to survive. “My mother needs me to stay alive,” his words. He keeps saying his mom will die if he leaves her, and I don’t want to be inconsiderate, but he keeps saying, “Her health will get worse over time and she’ll die one day and she needs me.” I just don’t understand if a person with diabetes and poor eyesight needs 24/7 care. She doesn’t like it when he gives me attention or spends time with me because she wants him to stay home doing chores and taking care of her. He sees nothing wrong with that. I didn’t mind living with her or even helping, but I feel like there’s something behind the “She’ll die if I leave her,” idea. She’s capable of doing everything on her own except things that require good eyesight like driving or filling medical syringes. I don’t know if I’m being cruel or she’ll actually die if he leaves. I just don’t know what to do. He said he can’t get a job because he has to take care of her 24/7 or else she’ll die.
It is VERY difficult to find the balance point in your situation, but it does seem that your boyfriend isn’t interested in balance.
Be grateful you found this out sooner rather than later.
- boyfriend does NOT work
- boyfriend who lives with his mom in her home
- boyfriend’s priority above all else is his 55 yr old mom
One thing we all are absolutely guaranteed to have happen is that we are going to die. Ideally what you want to do in the interim is lead a life that is personally fulfilling in whatever way that is meaningful for you.
Average life expectancy in US as per CDC is 78.6 years & for Type 1 diabetics it’s 10-12 years lower. So that 55 yr old mom could be around for another dozen years.
So is this the lifestyle that you want for the next decade?
Poor guy, he's trapped himself into thinking his presence is why his mom is alive, and that might be true to some extent. If she can't see to fill the syringes, then she's not going to take her insulin properly. Blindness is a common issue with diabetes, so that's going to get worse, too. Where will she go when she's blind?
Wish him the best, and move on.
Sounds like his mother has "learned helplessness" and I'm assuming that she has manipulated him into this life that he is choosing by threatening death.
My mother is also manipulative and she really worked my brother over while he was alive. He couldn't ever get away from her and I believe that it was at the root of his addiction to alcohol and benzos which took him to his death in 2019.
I wish you the best.
Are you willing to be second or third on his list until his mother dies(which could be 20 years or more)? I sure hope not. You deserve so much better. I hope you realize that.
Time to move on and find a real man that will put you first and give you the attention you deserve.
Run.
Were you essentially supporting the two of them? How long has this been going on?
You know deep down what to do. Leave him. He's not going to change. She's not going to change.
The only person you can change is yourself. Make that change and move on from this relationship.
I am reminded of Ray Charles. He claimed that he owed everything to his mom regarding his success.
He went blind as a child. She allowed him to learn to navigate around the home so he could become an independent adult.
Her attitude was that he was blind, not crippled.
She'll probably die if she continues eating enough calories to maintain a BMI that = obesity. And that requires daily insulin. And that's caused her to go nearly blind from diabetes. Not because her son isn't taking 24/7 care of her. People like your boyfriend's mother have CAUSED their own health conditions, then pawn off their 'required care' on their sons or daughters, and the government, of course, crying 'victim' that they'll 'die' if they're not looked after continuously, all the while having NOT looked after THEMSELVES to the tune of being THIS ill at 55 years old. So, in reality, who's the real victim here? You and this woman's son. And he's a happy, willing victim who doesn't want to look at the truth of the situation which you are now beginning to do yourself.
Things are highly unlikely to change here. The dysfunctional dynamic between this mother & her son has no room for a girlfriend in it, as you are seeing. At 55, she can live another THREE DECADES, causing herself more & more illness with every passing day by continuing to practice unhealthy habits.
What's best for YOU in this situation? I'd ask myself that question and then take the appropriate action to suit your needs. Your b/f has already made HIS position crystal clear to you.
Think about yourself here and if THIS is the default future YOU want.
Normally I agree with you and I agree with most of what you say in your comment here.
The part about her causing her own health problems I disagree with. Morbidly obese people are usually food addicts. They need recovery the same way alcoholics, drug addicts, and gamblers do. The son should try to get his mother to try recovery. Start attending OA (Overeater's Anonymous). Get on a medical weight loss plan from the doctor. If he wants to truly help and care for his mother, he would stop enabling her to be active in her food addiction.
They should both get therapy.
His mother doesn’t want her son to be independent. She desires a caregiver and she may want the girlfriend to be a caregiver as well. She doesn’t want him to spend time alone with her because she doesn’t want to lose him to her.
The son could check into resources for his mom. He doesn’t seem to wish independence for her either. Extreme codependency on both sides.
This is not a situation you want to be part of unless you want to live a life of supporting your man and always playing second fiddle to his mother.
There are better fish in the sea then have ever been caught, my dear. You are young and should find a boyfriend with less baggage who actually has a job and some prospects in life.
He's NEVER going to put your first. Never. Even if mother dies (and she's very likely to last 20+ more years) he will mourn her passing until he dies.
He's simply not able to 'adult' and seems to have no desire to try.
My DH's mom drives me right up the wall. He is not a mama's boy, but he has immense guilt about feeling that he ruined her life. (Marrying me made it all worse).
He asked me, right after my mom died in September this year (his mother did not even acknowledge my mom's passing and was very rude about it all) if I had known how horrible his mother was going to be, would I have married him and I did not hesitate to say "No. No way." This shocked him to the core.
I wouldn't wish a relationship like mine with my MIL on my worst enemy. Actually, she IS my worst enemy.
Mom surviving 20 years more? I doubt it. Two of my friends were diabetics. One was a juvenile diabetic, diagnosed at the age of nine. She was never obese but the years of being a diabetic took its toll. In her 50s she had a serious heart attack. By 60 she had a leg amputated because of a wound that would not heal. By 63 her kidneys were gone and she was on peritoneal dialysis, which is a last ditch effort. She passed at 63. Another friend contracted type 2, he was overweight and was on dialysis, he also lost a leg. He chose to stop dialysis and passed at 70.
Your boyfriends mothers obesity is probably causing most of her health problems. I just read that not watching your sugar levels will cause DME eye problems. If she continues the way she is, I doubt she will live till a ripe old age. Diabetics have circulation problems, especially in the legs. Because of this, wounds can be deadly. Gangrene sets in and a leg needs to be amputated. Being obese and not getting up and moving will make circulation problems worse.
I assume you are young. You are not married to this man, so no obligation there. Its good that you feel you need to help in some way but, your future is at stake here. This man can not give you what you need and your needs are important. I would not marry this man or have children with him. Starting out married life as a Caregiver is not how it should be. I think since you feel your relationship is ruined and you came here asking questions, you are just looking for verification that this relationship is over and it is time to move on. Yes, its time to move on.
You are young, leave him in your dust! You deserve better!
But, I have never de-prioritized my primary relationship with my partner in favor of my mom.
The way I look at it, taking care of my mom is what I do today, taking care of my partner is my future. I love my mom, and enjoy making her as safe, secure, healthy, and happy as I can; but, I would be foolish (or codependent) to be so wrapped up in her that I trade my future.
Caregiving is often hard on romantic relationships (be it caring for kids or parents). It takes good communication to balance the priorities. It is understandable that some periods will be harder than others, but the day-to-day needs to be comfortable for both partners, and the parent.
I realize I am writing a lot of words to describe some of the disfunction that may be going on in this scenario but my hunch is your boyfriend is co-dependent, he is certainly deprioritizing you, and the communication between the two of you is ineffective. These are very serious problems in any partnership. You are unhappy, and he is unwilling or unable to make changes that make you happy.
You deserve to be happy.
He deserves to follow through with his caregiving calling without guilt.
The two of you may love each other deeply, but still be incompatible.
I would suggest that you take a break. If you continue in a miserable situation you will destroy any good feelings. If you politely give him the space to do what he needs to do, then you may find your way back to each other. Down the road, you might decide to try again. Or, you might move on and be happier alone or partnered with someone else. But, there is nothing you can change here but yourself. Respect yourself enough to expect more and decide to let him go.
Your partner is lucky to have you.
Unfortunately you are no 3.
He & she seem to have a co-dependant relationship.
Mom stays needy & Son stays needed. This works for them.
In order to change that dynamic, they would need to WANT to change. Otherwise, if you attempt to change them they will align together & paint you as the aggressor or bad guy/gal anyway.
It is OK to move on with your own life as you need to. Sometimes we have to leave people behind that are growing at different speeds (or indeed stuck). They have their own growth to do, at their own pace.
And, everyone is going to die of something. Not your obligation to give up your life trying to extend someone else’s.