She is diabetic and partially blind. She can do almost everything by herself but she chooses not to. She’s obese. The only help she needs is filling insulin syringes because digits are way too small for her to see, otherwise she has social media accounts and she is active so she can read. My boyfriend is very submissive, doing everything for her and refusing to move out or even allow our relationship to survive. “My mother needs me to stay alive,” his words. He keeps saying his mom will die if he leaves her, and I don’t want to be inconsiderate, but he keeps saying, “Her health will get worse over time and she’ll die one day and she needs me.” I just don’t understand if a person with diabetes and poor eyesight needs 24/7 care. She doesn’t like it when he gives me attention or spends time with me because she wants him to stay home doing chores and taking care of her. He sees nothing wrong with that. I didn’t mind living with her or even helping, but I feel like there’s something behind the “She’ll die if I leave her,” idea. She’s capable of doing everything on her own except things that require good eyesight like driving or filling medical syringes. I don’t know if I’m being cruel or she’ll actually die if he leaves. I just don’t know what to do. He said he can’t get a job because he has to take care of her 24/7 or else she’ll die.
if you were important to him he would have his mother hire someone to take care of her or move her into a facility.
What is unfair is that he allows this to happen to you. If he cared anything about you, he would put you first. You need to say goodbye to both of them. FOR YOUR SAKE, I hope you will be strong enough to do what needs to be done. Ask God for strength in this matter. God bless you.
It’s a good thing to tell our daughters about potential red flags to look out for when they begin to date.
So then YOU have to decide: Will you work to support the both of you...or just yourself while mom supports him? Do you want more? Clearly you wouldn't be on this site if this is the future you want.
Mom is cozy in the arrangement because she is having her needs met. Her needs will increase. Medically, she really might need someone in the house with her and he seems willing to provide. We all have to do what our hearts allow us to live with. His heart (and maybe what he's accustomed to) tells him he can't walk away from his mother. I understand that. I couldn't either, however I was retired and didn't need her to support me. You on the other hand have to decide what your heart lets you live with - would you do the same for your parent(s) - maybe not. And that's not a bad thing. You just aren't on the same page in regard to being a caregiver.
You have no right to try and persuade, change, convince nor in any way dictate what your BF decisions are about his mother. Nor can you change his mother nor him, nor their relationship, healthy or unhealthy as it may be.
Honor yourself and your needs to make the best decision for you. Let them figure out the rest for themselves, right or wrong, they have that right.
Do not try to make BF choose between you and his mother; there will be only more grief and regrets.
If you disagree ( or anyone) disagrees with a situation ( personal or professional) one must act accordingly, respecting one's own needs, values etc. Many times that means , leave the situation/ job etc.
On that note I may be confused but if you moved into his mothers house with your boyfriend you must have had some idea of the dynamics. Was his mother more independent then and he was working so moving you in just to save money or something? Did you both move into her house together from another apartment or did you move in with him already living there? Either way really you have been together long enough to make the commitment to live together so his situation with his mom couldn’t have come as a surprise. Unless things changed drastically during your relationship, which does happen, you can’t really put it all on your BF or his mother, they didn’t hide their codependency even if you didn’t think it ran as deep or thought that you would change it. I do think you need to take some time reflecting on what you want, what you are ok with and can deal with and what you can’t as well as what’s fair to ask of him and what isn’t. Is it unreasonable to expect your BF to put you first most of the time and enjoy growing your relationship? Of course not! Is it fair to insist he put you before his mom when he has always been clear her needs come first, maybe not, his loss but maybe not. Much of this sounds like a loosing battle for you but maybe this relationship is important enough for you to stay, give up the battle and take whatever you can get from him but maybe your mental health and sense of self is important enough to go through the pain and trauma of leaving the relationship, that’s not for me to say. If you decide on leaving however don’t give him an ultimatum or blame it on his relationship with his mother or her manipulation, leave because that’s what you need for you rite now and part on good terms, he isn’t cheating on you with his mom and while it’s heartbreaking that he chooses her needs over his own blaming him for that does no one any good. Parting on good terms is good for everyone. Whatever choice you make, continually making that and other choices will give you strength and at least put you back in control of yourself, whatever that choice it’s fine because it’s your choice.
You need to go stay with family or friends and strategize where you'll be moving to.
You are volunteering to live this way and you're not even related. You would benefit from meeting with a regular family therapist to figure yourself out. Would you be willing to trade your happiness for this boyfriend who encouraged you to live in his indentured slavery. "Nothing changes if nothing changes': "Be the change."
And, I add, get into therapy to explore why YOU chose or choose a co-dependent partner. This isn't 'just' about him and his behavior. It is more about YOU and you needing to make decisions on your life. That you stay in this relationship indicates to me that you have low self-esteem and need to learn to respect yourself in order to attract, and fine, a partner worthy of you. First, you need to feel worthy of an equal partner/ship.
I believe you write us here for support to leave the relationship although you do not / are unable to come out and say this. Your focus is him him him and his mother. You need to be honest with your feelings about yourself and do what you need to do. I suggest you get into therapy ASAP. You have your entire life ahead of you.
'If only" I had known when I was in my late teens-20s and 30s what I know now... don't waste your time. It is all you have and the quality of your life - that time - matters NOW. You can't get it back. We must learn to love and respect our self, otherwise others won't (or could easily take advantage of you due to their triggers and issues, as your boyfriend has). He needs to grow - up and he may or may not (see-be aware of this need, want to, or be able to at this time).
This is his business, not yours. Leave. This is a very toxic situation for you and it will not soon, if ever, change.
Gena / Touch Matters
You are right that there is something more going on in the mother-child relationship. They could use counselling. If neither is willing to make changes, you need to decide if you want to continue dealing with his parent-child relationship "as is".
And, everyone is going to die of something. Not your obligation to give up your life trying to extend someone else’s.
Unfortunately you are no 3.
He & she seem to have a co-dependant relationship.
Mom stays needy & Son stays needed. This works for them.
In order to change that dynamic, they would need to WANT to change. Otherwise, if you attempt to change them they will align together & paint you as the aggressor or bad guy/gal anyway.
It is OK to move on with your own life as you need to. Sometimes we have to leave people behind that are growing at different speeds (or indeed stuck). They have their own growth to do, at their own pace.
But, I have never de-prioritized my primary relationship with my partner in favor of my mom.
The way I look at it, taking care of my mom is what I do today, taking care of my partner is my future. I love my mom, and enjoy making her as safe, secure, healthy, and happy as I can; but, I would be foolish (or codependent) to be so wrapped up in her that I trade my future.
Caregiving is often hard on romantic relationships (be it caring for kids or parents). It takes good communication to balance the priorities. It is understandable that some periods will be harder than others, but the day-to-day needs to be comfortable for both partners, and the parent.
I realize I am writing a lot of words to describe some of the disfunction that may be going on in this scenario but my hunch is your boyfriend is co-dependent, he is certainly deprioritizing you, and the communication between the two of you is ineffective. These are very serious problems in any partnership. You are unhappy, and he is unwilling or unable to make changes that make you happy.
You deserve to be happy.
He deserves to follow through with his caregiving calling without guilt.
The two of you may love each other deeply, but still be incompatible.
I would suggest that you take a break. If you continue in a miserable situation you will destroy any good feelings. If you politely give him the space to do what he needs to do, then you may find your way back to each other. Down the road, you might decide to try again. Or, you might move on and be happier alone or partnered with someone else. But, there is nothing you can change here but yourself. Respect yourself enough to expect more and decide to let him go.
Your partner is lucky to have you.
You are young, leave him in your dust! You deserve better!
Mom surviving 20 years more? I doubt it. Two of my friends were diabetics. One was a juvenile diabetic, diagnosed at the age of nine. She was never obese but the years of being a diabetic took its toll. In her 50s she had a serious heart attack. By 60 she had a leg amputated because of a wound that would not heal. By 63 her kidneys were gone and she was on peritoneal dialysis, which is a last ditch effort. She passed at 63. Another friend contracted type 2, he was overweight and was on dialysis, he also lost a leg. He chose to stop dialysis and passed at 70.
Your boyfriends mothers obesity is probably causing most of her health problems. I just read that not watching your sugar levels will cause DME eye problems. If she continues the way she is, I doubt she will live till a ripe old age. Diabetics have circulation problems, especially in the legs. Because of this, wounds can be deadly. Gangrene sets in and a leg needs to be amputated. Being obese and not getting up and moving will make circulation problems worse.
I assume you are young. You are not married to this man, so no obligation there. Its good that you feel you need to help in some way but, your future is at stake here. This man can not give you what you need and your needs are important. I would not marry this man or have children with him. Starting out married life as a Caregiver is not how it should be. I think since you feel your relationship is ruined and you came here asking questions, you are just looking for verification that this relationship is over and it is time to move on. Yes, its time to move on.
He's NEVER going to put your first. Never. Even if mother dies (and she's very likely to last 20+ more years) he will mourn her passing until he dies.
He's simply not able to 'adult' and seems to have no desire to try.
My DH's mom drives me right up the wall. He is not a mama's boy, but he has immense guilt about feeling that he ruined her life. (Marrying me made it all worse).
He asked me, right after my mom died in September this year (his mother did not even acknowledge my mom's passing and was very rude about it all) if I had known how horrible his mother was going to be, would I have married him and I did not hesitate to say "No. No way." This shocked him to the core.
I wouldn't wish a relationship like mine with my MIL on my worst enemy. Actually, she IS my worst enemy.