I feel a lot of resentment and anger towards my siblings because I am the one who lives in the same city as my parents. I feel my Dad takes me for granted. He expects for me to be there everyday and help him with everything…I work and I do my best with Dr. Appointments, errands, etc…. However, he is always telling me that my siblings work so hard and he doesn't expect them to come to help. My siblings call every day (and feel they have done their part) One of them comes about 4 times a year and the other 2 times a year. I feel I have no time to myself and feel it is not fair. He gets angry if I don't go over everyday , but he never tells my siblings anything.
Your situation is what so many caregivers deal with. Your dad is used to you and you are in town so he thinks it's easier for you to tend to his needs. He also may prefer your help to that of your siblings but won't say so.
Whatever the reason, you'll have to stand up for yourself and let your dad and your siblings know that you can't do it all yourself. If your dad needs more help than you can provide and your siblings won't help, then let them all know that hired in-home help will be needed.
I know that this is hard, but if you don't stand up for yourself now you'll be having a lot more trouble later. Please keep in touch so that we know how you are doing.
Carol
No need to have a confrontation with him. "Dad, starting next week, I'll try to come over Tuesday and Friday after work. So let's get some groceries in ahead of that so we can get on a schedule. I'm worn out." Period. Don't argue with him; don't get into a long discussion about it. If he starts to berate or otherwise criticize you, just say, "Dad, I've got to go. Call me tomorrow with your grocery list so I can get you stocked up."
If he doesn't call you the next day (because he's mad), let it go until the next. Then call and see if he's made a list. If not, and if he starts arguing, "Dad, I've got to go now. I'll call tomorrow. Let me know what you need."
Get used to dad being angry for a while. You've set a horrible pattern for yourself that isn't working for you. For him? It works just fine. Any change in that will guarantee push back. Close your ears and relish the extra time you'll have. He'll get over it soon enough.
You don't say what all you do for him . . . if we knew that, maybe we could give some suggestions on how to manage your tasks so that, while he's not SEEING you every day, most everything's being handled.
It is completely unreasonable for a parent to expect daily visits. If he needs daily visits? He shouldn't be living alone. And I'd tell him THAT, too.
I am a 43 years old man, single. I have a older sister 14 years older than me, married and have her own family. I have been living with my parents and taking good care of them all my life. My mom died 5 years ago, and the burden of taking care of my father loads on my shoulders.
Some suggested you to add pressure on your siblings, but in my case, it is even worse, my sister keeps adding pressures on me. From time to time, my sister would say to me, "pa says ......", and she that demands me to add endless services to my father. I felt betrayed, used.
From my own painful experience, I learn something that might be valuable as your references, I learned:
a. The caring of the parent(s) itself does not make me feel miserable, the history does - such as the parent(s) is not fair; They love the other sibling more than they love me etc. Such history make the caring of the parent(s) more difficult.
b. The actual time caring of the parent(s) does not hurt much, but the negative influence does - spending two hours daily caring the parent(s) does not hurt much, but if spending two hours with them resulting in ruined your entire day, or driving you to abandoning yourself to despair, feeling your life miserable, that's hurt.
Therefore, my advices/suggestion to you are as follow:
a. Beside learning to say no to your dad, hiring health care aids to lessen your burdens, also learn to identify if there is any history between you and your parents/siblings, if so, deal with them.
b. Make a chart to see how many actual time you have spent caring your dad. Identify if there is any negative influence that has bring forth to you. If so, you need to work on it. Do not allow yourself be ruined from taking care of your dad. Your most important task is, do not let taking your dad ruined your life, you deserve a good life. If you are not well, you cannot take good care of others.
I wish my advices to you do help.
Now, is there a reason why your father needs you to visit daily? Even though I live with my parents (when mom was alive), my dad wanted me to call daily while I was at work. He was bedridden mom's main caregiver. He was scared that he might collapse and no one would find him until I came home late at 6-7pm. IMaybe you can try to keep your visit short. Or call them instead if you're too tired to see them.
My siblings never called daily. Some of them only calls on holidays. That's it. Maybe the next time your siblings visit, you do a disappearing act? Let them take over with your parents. And use their visit for your vacation from the parents.
I cope by telling myself repeatedly, "This man's mind does not work like it should," and that helps. Other times during a rant I simply tell him "Ya know what? I don't need to take this," and I walk out of the room.
It is painful, it is hard, it is neverending. And I've only been a caregiver for 2-1/2 years! Seems so much longer. Dad is physically very healthy with a heart as strong as a horse but his mind is deteriorating daily. This is the tragedy. I resent anyone telling me that I "want him dead"; I want him to have a clear mind!
Also tell siblings that you are falling apart and need them to step up and give you some relief...if they live too far away to visit dad, then they can pitch in some $$$ to hire CNAs to visit dad in your absences...
Best wishes,
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