My Dad expects me to do everything yet he doesn't get angry at my other siblings who live out of town and rarely come to help. Any advice?

That's right blueyedcyn1, you can't force others to help. Awhile back on here there was a VERY INSULTING article regarding caregivers who refuse help because they like being martyrs.....what a joke.

Sure there may be a minority of people who like being a martyr, but the fact is in the majority of cases when eldercare falls onto the shoulders of one adult child it is because the other siblings just won't help.

You can beg and plead, and it will fall on deaf ears.

As I said, unless you put a gun to their head(and even that might not work) many caregivers are on their own.

But the do nothing siblings manage to make it in time for the reading of the will.

The best advice I was ever given was from a nurse when I told her about my do nothing brother, she said to me "Remove him from the equation"...very wise words.

Yup, Irish boy is so right. I'm sole caregiver. I cannot walk away for those reasons. My siblings couldn't afford to help and wouldn't dream of asking them. I have one sibling out of 3 living siblings that helps sometimes when she feels bad that I can't go anywhere. I tried to pay a caregiver. It lasted one day. Dad paid him and said I don't need you. The issue is it's his money and he is still mentally able to say he won't pay. I'm on his accounts but I'm not going there with him until he can't speak for himself or until insurance will pay. When it's bad enough that insurance will finally pay he will have no choice. Till then? I do my best to get through it.... Best wishes for you to make it through your journey. Don't waste time worrying what your brother won't do..that's wasted energy and still no help.

You are so right.

Destroyed, sorry you can't force siblings to help. Your comments about getting everyone to chip in to pay for a paid caregivers, and how everyone will spend equal time.....not going to happen. Not in the real world.

Unless you put a gun to their head the help will not be forthcoming in many cases.

And the kicker is they know the "sole caregiver" can't just walk away, for one thing they can't do it for loyalty reasons, for another in many states you could be looking at charges of neglect.

I do think the suggestion to try and get outside help is a good one. But let's be realistic about siblings that aren't helping, they're not going to in most cases.

Thank you so much for your advice, I feel like I am going crazy and no one step's up to the plate. I worry every day what to do and my brother doesn't do for my dad. I commend both of you for all the hard work and believe me I understand. I think I am ready for the mental institution...............LOL if I don't I'll cry.

Your situation happens a lot. One sibling gets "stuck" with the caregiver job. Unfortunately, your siblings will never step in to help, you are the chosen one. Before your life is ruined, I am serious, you will have no life because your father will have taken it over, you need to set a plan in place NOW. Do not get TRAPPED into the guilt trip being programed by your father and siblings. Be strong, your life is just as important as theirs. They are just selfish. They are taking advantage of your good heart. Be thankful you have a good heart, anyone one who would not help out with an elderly parent or their sibling, speaks volumes about their character, or lack of. First, demand a meeting of some sort. All of you will chip in for a HIRED caregiver. EVERYONE will spend the exact same time with your father. Period. Get POA from your dad first, if you can before you take complete control of the whole situation. Once you have POA, then you are in the driver's seat and can make sure everyone does their fair share of caregiving, or as the case may be, have a hired caregiver. You deserve a life, the demand will become greater as time passes. I have been there. My life was destroyed. I had no life, I was a full time caregiver while my brother enjoyed traveling and living an eventful life. His financial situation was not sucked dry either. Good luck!

I can relate whole heartedly to what you are going through.....If you keep on being a martyr for you Dad you are going to end up where I did. I spent 5 days in a Mental Health facility for Caregivers burnout. My doc told me to call my brother (who doesn't give a d*mn about me or my mother..only calls once every three months) and tell him that I am leaving for a vacation and no one is there to help care for her. Another doc in the facility told me to cut my brother off and work around him. Well...second doc's advice is the one I am now doing. I refuse to answer his calls (as I control the phone for mother) and don't tell mother he calls. If she wants to speak to him, then, she will have to ask me and I will dial the number for her and that is it. I cannot worry about him anymore and although I resent it tremendously it is for my own health that I am doing this. He will not offer any monetary help although he is extremely well off and complains about the long trip here to visit her. When he has visited mom, he stays 1 - 2 hours and leaves. So I say to you, work around it and don't abuse your health or you may end up going through what I did. Call human services in your town or community, council on aging etc., and try to find some inexpensive help when you need it. I can't express how taking care of you is so necessary to being able to nurture your dad. Take care and God Bless you,

to the original poster,
yes, it is "normal" for your parent(s) to reach out to those geographically closest to them. This is especially true if the farther-out kids never visit. They may call once in awhile, but if they aren't physically present, they really don't count.

I'm the one of 5 kids who is in the same neighborhood as my parents. We thought it would be a good idea to live near my folks, so our own kids would really KNOW their GP's. well guess what. that has come at a huge price.

My siblings, yes I am jealous. They get to go on with their lives, take promotional job positions, IE, they get to live their lives for their own families. And never worry about their folks (until the funeral).

And me. I get to do all the folks' grocery shopping, worry about whether I'm getting them out of the house, often enough (they don't drive any longer).

But I'm also seeing the whole Life Cycle, in every bittersweet detail, as my siblings will never see.......

So, there are valuable Life Lessons to be learned.

Remember the 4th Commandment (and I do apologize if you are not schooled in that Tradition). There is something more to this Life than we can see.

You are not alone thanks for your question it was like I wrote it myself. I live next door to my Dad and my mother passed away 2 years ago and she was in a wheel chair for 40 years with Multiple Sclerosis. I have always taken care of them. I have a brother who doesn't help me at all and I am disabled. I was in the hospital in June twice and I called them to check on Dad, they didn't even come over. I've told them I need help and so far only my friends are helping and my husband. So honey I know how you feel and it's so hard. Good luck to you and I'm sorry I don't have the answers and I can't hire help because there is no money. Sorry you have to do this and I know you do it out of love.
God Bless You for caring.

It's my mom who now lives with me. My younger brother come over twice a Year and lives less than 10 miles away. He tells me a that I'm a**hole, wanting his help. My sister does help ,with some dr, appointment.
Sorry for your problems, I know

In most families, there seems to be one who is the caregiver. Others may provide care in other ways. We had my father-in-law for 9 1/2 years. We have had my mother-in-law (they divorced in the '70's) off and on for the last 13 years. Once she is able to return home, she does so, but we will provide a place for her as long as we are physically able. My father was ill and died 13 months ago, but guess who took care of things with and for Mom? Yes, us. Now that Mom is on her own, she has Dayenders (Daytimers??) and guess who cares for her? Stressful? Yes, but both my husband and I can sleep at night, (unless awakened by one of our parents!). I have already told my mother that she needs to get in better shape physically because if something occurs, she will have to go to a nursing home. I just had my 11th (yes, eleventh) joint surgery, including 2 in my back. I have lupus and RA, among a host of other syndromes and chronic illnesses. I am not able to lift her, (and she keeps getting heavier}. I have laid it out to her, so if and when the time comes, I will visit with her as often as possible, but am not physically able to lift her. She has taken to walking, so I pray this aides in alleviating her inability to help herself.

Best of luck to you and may God bless all caregivers!

Kthln3. Please don't feel like ending your life would be better. I also understand the feeling a d have thought of that also. I had a sister that when my mom passed away decided she couldn't live without her and my sister being a rehabilitating alcoholic drank herself to death leaving her two children aged 26 and 27. It has been an even more difficult ride losing her. I care gave for my mom until she passed from breast cancer, then a year later my sister then 2 years later an uncle I was very close by to. Now my husband and I are still care giving for my dad who was diagnosed with Parkinson's. I am waiting till I don't have to care for someone, have my life back and mourn all my losses. My dad is a lot nicer than a lot out there, but doing everything all day and night is exhausting. My dad is a lot like my grandfather who used to give apples and corn to people that were not relatives and not friends persay. While I think it's a nice thought, this type of things are not done for family. As soon as I get up even before my coffee he is telling me last minute he wants to get corn and run it around to people today. I already have to go pick up a wheelchair that I can handle cuz I'm a little gal, grocery shop and other errands. He is only on his thought wave and has no clue as to what I have to do. I feel bad but I'm a grumpy morning person and hitting me up bright and early after a rough night with him does not brighten mine. My siblings rarely help and only got to enjoy my birthday this year actually in the ocean which was to short of a day for me but it was healing. Please talk to someone maybe a counselor about your feelings. It is not a great answer to problems and hurts your loved ones and friends. My friends don't come over anymore because I'm tied down and it hurts a lot so I understand. I feel bad when I can't run him everywhere but he doesn't want anyone in but me to help. I will when he gets a little worse and hope that will open time for me to actually enjoy life again. We are all in similar situations and as you will find we are all understanding on here and there is some great advice. So please don't feel that way. If you ever want to message to chat I am on here a lot and I am willing to try to be there even just to listen. Hang in there. I will be here if you want to message me. It's great to vent. I had to share this cuz it worries me that you feel that way. Hug to you! Thanks for listening!
Cindie

As to absent or distant siblings. My sister lives out of state and visits 2-3 times a year. She would always call and let me know when they would be at our folks for a visit so I could come down and be there. I finally realized that she wanted me as a buffer and someone to talk to because she didn't know what to talk to my parents about! So now when I know she is visiting I make sure she is primed with facts and topics to discuss with them, health issues, etc. This way I get a break (and don't have to listen to the same stories repeatedly!) and they get her all to themselves. Then we get to visit alone without my parents. I also try to organize a meal together with our other siblings and their families separate from any parental visit so she has a chance to visit with them too and we can discuss family issues without my parents there.

I have an older sister that lives less than a mile from our childhood home and might come over once a week and that is only to play canasta as a family.she doesnt work and has not much else to do except to be always running for :meds:she is always sick. My husband works and I am the care giver for my dad.This is an honor for me,I've learned so much in the past 16 months being here with my dad.I just get tired sometimes. I asked my older sister for help twice last year when I was sick and just wanted her here in the home for back up.she said NO.I will not ask her again. My dad and I will continue on.,I told him I will love himand be with him until his last breathe and I intend to keep that promise.My struggle is "I just do not understand : my older sister

Kthin3, I am worried about you now.
You sound in dire need of respite help.
What are your options?
You sound like you are taking on WAY too much and are suffering from Carer Fatigue.

Not sure what respite options exist in US.. maybe someone over there can provide some ideas?

It is infeed very much like dealing with a large crazy strong toddler on a loop. It's just so exhausting.
But that does not mean you cannot set some healthy boundaries and coping behaviours to keep you sane.

Speak to your priest if you have one, or local carer support group. Suppprt is out there (and on here, but local specific support may be of more use)
You need a break sweetheart.
Find a way to get one.
(Short term some anti-depressants may be an idea to bring you off that ledge and bring some calm into your life. I know that horrible tight mounting feeling of being overwhelmed that you are describing too well)

Sounds really glib, but I found some hypnotherapy videos on Youtube that brought my anxiety levels down. Worth hiding for 15 mins to try some til you find one that works for you... may not be your thing, wasn't mine, but I was desperate and my GP told me to try it as option to antidepressants. Did work.

Excuse me, I wrote the 2nd line in the 2nd paragraph omitting a word. It should read, This mom caregiver does NOT wish for any harm to come to the 94 year old but OMG, I often, way too often, start soberly thinking of ways that I can easily, cleanly, end my life. I completely get why Robin Williams did away with himself. Sometimes the burdens are so overwhelming and you feel so isolated that killing oneself is the only answer.

Clementina75, I don't know too many "moms" who can "take care of 5 children suffering from dementia, impaired mobility, depression, combativeness, adult incontinence, etc." Siblings often run and hide and bury their heads in the sand when their parents start to physically and mentally collapse. It is easy to deal with a child's same questions every day, or a 2 year old's temper tantrums, or their unwillingness to take a bath or keep themselves groomed: a parent can physically pick a child up and exert their dominance to gently or not so gently get them to agree. How does one do this when the "child", 94 years old, acts in this same manner? I have osteoarthritis which prevents me from picking him up and forcing him into the car to get a haircut, a horrid beard shaved off, or 4 inch yellowed toenails trimmed. I also have extremely limited funds because the sibling who Does Comparatively Less is the POA and keeps a tight rein on the $$; I can only work part time because the 94 year old child can't be left on his own for more than 4-5 hours at a time (and never, ever when the sun begins to set) so I often eat one meal a day to conserve money for things like laundry detergent, toilet bowl cleaner, dish soap and oh yes: the food I know the 94 year old will eat, like cases of Boost protein supplement.

If one more person quotes that sanctimonious line to me I feel I might start screaming and never stop. This mom caregiver does wish for any harm to come to the 94 year old but OMG, I often, way too often, start soberly thinking of ways that I can easily end MY life.

Want to hear something nice? Today my incredibly cranky bossy aggresive dad told me he really really loved me and gave me the biggest hug he has ever given me!

Seriously, you have to have the patience of a saint, but this is a result of a year of persistent somewhat tough love from me. I stood up to him calmly, told him off when he yelled at me, use the questioning technique I mentioned a couple of posts up (to make him feel like he is still at least a little control of his life)... and today's hug and affirmation was my reward.

May not be a permanent change, I'm realistic, but wow, was like the sun shone through the dark clouds just for a moment. He is 89. Could lose him any moment, so I'll hold that little moment in my heart forever! (I know for a fact my meeker siblings and the negligent ones will never get that from him.

Care2Love - I send you a massive hug and my very best wishes.
Some smashing advice on here.
Anytime you need a shoulder, we are all here for you.

Set your boundaries. Don't be the little girl, deal with him like an equal.
It does work.

Omg i can relate! Lost my mom 19 months ago she was 88. My dad is now alone in the house...i am the only one who lives in the vacinity...and have been doing my best to help my 89 yr old dad who has stage 2 dementia....he also has PSTD as he is a WWII vet...hes been a very nasty mean always yelling man for the past several years.....my mom went thru h*ll, more than any of us realized. She did everything, cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping, paying the bills....now that shes gone hes been looking at me to do this which due to my own health issues i cant do it all for him let alone for myself...hes always yelling at me telling me to get out and not come back calling me stupid, an idiot, that I dont know what im talking about. He refuses to bring in any help to clean, the house us disgusting! The last time i saw him was 1 month ago cause he kicked me out for the upteenth time and my stress level is thru the roof. I worry 24-7 about him. I do get report he is seen outside his house or riding his scooter. So I know hes alive. And all thou I feel so guilty I have not seen him I just feel for my own health and well being I need to stay away and keep my stress to a minimum. I have 3 siblings who feel its my responsablity since i live in the same town. Im angry cause they have no idea. One has not seen him in over a year the other twice in one year and the other once. Two have called a few time one not at all. I just cant do it anymore or its going to put me in an earlier grave. So I feel your pain and look forward to seeing all and any help offered to you as in turn it might help me...Good Luck.....its not easy walking away....the worry & stress dosnt leave you when ur a caring daughter. Xoxo

Clementina, when you care for children you are helping them become self sufficient. It is not the same with elderly.

Bloujeanbaby.....you so nailed it. That's exactly what I did. Looking back I worked like a bangie trying to help. Dad quit talking his meds, hospice said he was he was totally capable to make his own decisions. I must have treated him like a child at some points. I remember Dad telling me, you have done all you can do. So hard to watch them deteriorate in front of you. I think I tried to save him when actually he gave up (quit taking insulin and meds). Looking back he was tired but he never complained. I took a grieving class at church and learned about boundaries....I was never taught that other than family expectations. Being the oldest I assumed the position. I am going to have to get my career & independence back along with boundaries for me to survive the death of my mother. I'm a work in progress. Hugs to everyone on this board for all the love and support you give others.

Stop doing it by yourself as I learnt the hard way. My father and siblings turned on me after I was the only one helping as I lived with them and my siblings did nothing. Now that he is getting older they want their share and are taking me to court we own the house together but they say it is all his. I have not spoken to my father for a year and I have lost my mother (still alive) but I can not visit her as he is there.

I have found that since Dad isn't driving now, he expects me to take him everywhere. I set up transportation to & from the senior center. He went at first. After a couple of weeks, he decided he didn't "like" a dance instructor lady there. But, then told me it wasn't her he didn't like, it was another lady he thought was her..........etc., etc. Bottom line: He wants me to take him everywhere. Not a bus. Not a cab. Not my sister. Not my brother. Me. If I say,"No". He says, "I can't_____" or" I didn't get to_____", or "I didn't get my_____ because of you." See how we fall into these roles? We wanted to help our loved one(s) and did & we became responsible for everything. I know some may not agree with me, but hear me out. Example: If I depend on my car to get me somewhere & the car breaks down, I have to use my problem solving skills to ask myself questions such as: How will I get to work? Who will pick up the kids from school & take them until the car gets fixed? Can I walk, ride the bus, or a bicycle to some of the places I have to go? These are normal questions we all have asked ourselves when we truly want a solution. We are determined to make it to where we need to go without fail. And so we will. Now, if the same scenario is addressed and I decide that if that one broken car will not go, I cannot do anything I want or need to do. I blame the car. I can't make it go, so it's the car's fault. However, someone who still has problem-solving skills enough to remember how they invoked pity from a caring person who stepped in to help out, will do it again. Then, again and again, over & over because it worked over & over again. The truth is, as I am learning, caring is not always helping, but allowing someone to utilize their mind the way they used to as much as possible, like when they depended on themselves (if they ever did). It's not easy at first to back off. But, in my Dad's case, my focus from him to myself has made him much more self-sufficient. Often it becomes difficult to decipher what is necessary to do and what is actually taking away from their independence because our emotions have become involved and we'd rather help just in case we're wrong this time. That makes us feel better in the now. But, it's only temporary. Because we have decided that we cannot live with being wrong-ever, we have cast our fate and theirs. "I will just do it for you" means "You can't or won't do it right, you can't do this right and when you get it wrong, I'll feel bad for letting you try and it will be all my fault and I'll feel guilty and I can't live with that.....so I'll do the thinking because I think much better, as your mind is not good enough for you to depend on it any more......" Then, we complain and say, "How did I become responsible for so much & everyone else isn't?" It may be necessary to feed & bathe someone too weak to do it for themselves. That is helping them. That is loving them. That's caring. Letting them do & think for themselves,even if it's not as good as it used to be, is how they are able to continue to function as individuals and maintain as much independence as possible. We can start working on our own lives and do what we want now. We don't have to have an excuse or blame anyone for why we don't do what we want. No one is stopping anyone else around us. Everyone else is living their lives. Jump in. It's gonna be amazing. blou

I am loving these responses.
God it helps to know you are not alone.

BeBe wrote a beautiful one... I'm going to take some of those ideas for me and my dad!

And I love the comment about siblings... I was going to quote the serenity prayer (recognise and accept what you can and can't change)... but I may print out the one about changing siblings behaviour being like teaching a pig to sing!!!
I'm framing that one!

It's absolutely OK to feel annoyed by lazy selfish siblings, but not to the point it eats you up.
You sound like you have enough on your plate!

Try BeBe's tips ... they are perfect:)
But definitely draw up a weekly plan and calmly explain why it has to be so.
(I use a couple of phrases with my dad that seem to help:
1. 'Does that make sense/ seem like a good idea, Dad?' (This one is good cos it forces him to stop, listen, and then he feels like it is his decision... very important for stroppy bossy parents used to being in control!)


2.'So I'll come in x times a week etc... Is that reasonable, dad?' (Again, may make him stop and think. All about feeling some semblance of control. My dad hates the reversal in our roles and that seems to be the root of his anger)

3. 'What do you think, dad?'


Try working these into your communications with him if he is able.

And again, make it clear that you will not accept him yelling at you. Calmly remove yourself from the situation.

It is a shame, but that is, sadly, the way it is. You could try getting more help from your distant siblings. They might rally if they knew how hard it was for you.

Good luck. :)

Make a list of things that need to get done. Do this with your Dad if he is able, and email to your siblings. Then ask them to sign up for some of the functions. Calling in the morning, afternoon. Helping with bills. Once a week deep cleaning, bed making, laundry folding. Twice a week shopping, including diapers etc. Once an evening each week to take Dad out to dinner so you have alone time. Bathing. set up same day, same time schedules that Dad can refer to. Then hire an in home aide with Dad's money to bathe him, feed him lunch, maybe early dinner Monday - Friday. Write it down in an email to everyone, and make a copy for your dad. Good Luck.

Don't know dad's physical or mental condition, but sounds like it's time to investigate a home helper or independent/assisted living communities. Lots of hints in my ebook"Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents." You can't change dad's thinking or hurtful words, but don't let it get you down. Make a move out of this situation by getting others to be there for him. If your siblings don't want to come, then there is nothing you can do about. Don't ruin your relationship with them by taking it personally. Perhaps you can look at this situation from a neutral setting and realize why they don't want to help. Being an adult child of aging parents does not mean we take everything on. Give yourself a break. Look at assisted living and community programs. NOW

I don't have a solution to your problem but I might have some insight for you to think about. My mother has been the same way for the past thirteen years. But she goes to counseling every other week. Three years ago her counseler asked me if I felt I had anything to add. I won't tell you exactly how much I unloaded on her but she did tell me one thing that she'd a lot of light on a lot of problems. She told me that the reason my mother was being so demanding of me and my time was because she is afraid of being left alone or abandoned if you will. As the youngest child my mother has seen all the rest of her children grow up and move away. They almost never call or visit. When it was my turn she realized that when I left there would be no one else there. My mother started using guilt and shame to keep me at home. After one nasty fight I left. Just packed up a bag with clothes and left. I didn't leave a forwarding address either. Two years later I was contacted that I needed to come back. When I did things between us where much better. She realized that I WOULD and could leave if she was not nicer and she also appreciates the things I do more. I am not saying that things a perfect just better. Your father just sounds scared to me.

I feel your pain. Mom lived in the same town as my brothers and yet they did nothing for her. She moved closer to me so I could care for her because otherwise no one else would. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not an only child. Not that it matters. I'm all she has. It is exhausting sometimes and its not like we can suddenly just stop caring for them. I can't go anywhere or do anything for fear mom will fall or something terrible will happen and I won't be here to fix it. I swear I will never do this to my children. Its hard not to feel resentful about our situations. All I can say is you are not alone. There are others struggling with the exact same thing you are and doing so all alone. I'm single. I have no one to help me. No support system. Nothing. I just keep reminding myself how selflessly my mother loved and cared for me as a child and that makes it a little easier to take. I'm so sorry for your struggles. I know them all too well.

Care2love, We had a similar situation. My sister didn't live with Mother but was at her beckon call. Plus, my sister told Mother everything. If my sister had to have a roof replaced - mother would gripe and gripe. (It didn't have anything to do with Mother.)

I put distance between me and my mother, for a reason. She will suck the life out of you. I really did not agree with my sister doing every little thing for mother. Maybe your siblings feel that way about you.

All it did was delay living in a nursing home, where she is well taken care of. She outlived my sister.

What happens if your dad outlives you? Whatever that would be, do it now, so you can enjoy your life.