I feel a lot of resentment and anger towards my siblings because I am the one who lives in the same city as my parents. I feel my Dad takes me for granted. He expects for me to be there everyday and help him with everything…I work and I do my best with Dr. Appointments, errands, etc…. However, he is always telling me that my siblings work so hard and he doesn't expect them to come to help. My siblings call every day (and feel they have done their part) One of them comes about 4 times a year and the other 2 times a year. I feel I have no time to myself and feel it is not fair. He gets angry if I don't go over everyday , but he never tells my siblings anything.
It is their father as well, if they were decent people they would take turns and come to where the father and the OP live and help out. Without the OP even having to ask. Something like "I'm here for the week, you concentrate on you'.
In many cases the caregiving falls onto the shoulders of one adult child. Everyone can all live within 25 miles of each other and it still happens.
The posters who mentioned boundaries and laying down the rules is a good idea, also getting these siblings to cover the cost of hiring a home health aide.
But it is perfectly normal and understandable to resent the do nothing sibling.
I know from my own experience, it is amazing how they can never help out but seem to arrive for the reading of the trust/will.
Cindie.
2. Provide an agenda so they can give it some thought.
3. Be prepared with a list of your needs.
4. Be specific about what you will do (set your boundary lines).
5. Be clear that you expect them (as also his children) to contribute.
6. Formulate an agreement of shared responsibility
7. Have EVERYONE sign off on this "Caregiving Contract."
Also tell siblings that you are falling apart and need them to step up and give you some relief...if they live too far away to visit dad, then they can pitch in some $$$ to hire CNAs to visit dad in your absences...
Best wishes,
He probably cares for you more even before being needy. The idea that they are so busy in the corporate world that taking on some caregiving for their elderly dad is nonsense.
Just do what you can. Try to see if Dad can join some groups, perhaps have a community transportation van take him to events he likes in addition to his needed medical appointments. However if you go to the doctors with him it is time consuming but I found I could better understand his medicines, therapies and what I could expect him to go in the areas of walking and not. Seniors tend not to recall or listen to the entire speech by their primary doctor-they get about half of the message. Get doctors who can be called and return calls on evenings and weekends so if he gets sick in the middle of the night it doesn't mean you are hauling him off to the ER. It means a lot as the parent ages.
If your siblings can be made to care about their dad, write them a snail mail not telling them they need to step up. Their children and grandchild that they are going to soccer practice with and using as an excuse not to care for their father--can wait for a while. Dad is at the end of his life, his needs need to be put front and center.
Think of where your dad would be if you---it would be a sad life for him.
I am a 43 years old man, single. I have a older sister 14 years older than me, married and have her own family. I have been living with my parents and taking good care of them all my life. My mom died 5 years ago, and the burden of taking care of my father loads on my shoulders.
Some suggested you to add pressure on your siblings, but in my case, it is even worse, my sister keeps adding pressures on me. From time to time, my sister would say to me, "pa says ......", and she that demands me to add endless services to my father. I felt betrayed, used.
From my own painful experience, I learn something that might be valuable as your references, I learned:
a. The caring of the parent(s) itself does not make me feel miserable, the history does - such as the parent(s) is not fair; They love the other sibling more than they love me etc. Such history make the caring of the parent(s) more difficult.
b. The actual time caring of the parent(s) does not hurt much, but the negative influence does - spending two hours daily caring the parent(s) does not hurt much, but if spending two hours with them resulting in ruined your entire day, or driving you to abandoning yourself to despair, feeling your life miserable, that's hurt.
Therefore, my advices/suggestion to you are as follow:
a. Beside learning to say no to your dad, hiring health care aids to lessen your burdens, also learn to identify if there is any history between you and your parents/siblings, if so, deal with them.
b. Make a chart to see how many actual time you have spent caring your dad. Identify if there is any negative influence that has bring forth to you. If so, you need to work on it. Do not allow yourself be ruined from taking care of your dad. Your most important task is, do not let taking your dad ruined your life, you deserve a good life. If you are not well, you cannot take good care of others.
I wish my advices to you do help.
I'm with Maggie regards not allowing yourself to be a 'victim'.
You are 'allowing' your dad to manipulate you.
Fires need oxygen. You need to be very clear on what you are prepared to do, how often you are prepared to go over. Make it like a project plan
Not completely clear from your post if your dad physically or mentally needs help on the days you are not going to be there?
If he does need someone there, then start looking for hired help for days when you are not there. (Not sure what finances are like... I'd suggest your siblings club together to pay for this if your folks don't have the money...it's only fair.
There may come a time you all need to consider necessity for a Nursing Home of some sort.
Prepare your head for that now.
Meanwhile, tell your dad that if he wants your continued help then he cannot continue speaking to you like he does. Show him there is a consequence... next time he yells say quietly and calmly 'I will not allow you to speak to me like that', and leave the house (if safe to do so... if not safe then just leave the room and say when he has calmed down you will come back.
We are all the same, we never quite grow up.
If there are no consequences for our bad behaviour then we will continue to play up.
Also, try to praise him when he is nice ('That was really kind dad, thank you' etc...). Like training a toddler or a dog, make a big fuss over good behaviour, and do not 'reward' bad behaviour by hanging about trying to reason with him.
Develop a consistent 'walk out' response. It should work after a couple of weeks. Don't hive up.
But most importantly, you need to see that this is really all in your hands, not his.
Take control, and be strong.
Do not enable his bullying.
I also agree with the 'guest' thing. My mother has two different types of social worker who come to chat/revive her memory. One comes for two hours twice each week and the other for six hours once every three weeks. My mum expects me to make cups of tea and cake for them and it took quite a stern discussion before she accepted that these people were not guests, and additional responsibilities for me, but rather individuals were were supposed to help me. So when your siblings do arrive, make yourself scarce, tie them down to a formal period of time - how many hours are they going to stay?
The final thing is that I would document all the time you do spend caring for your dad and then tell your siblings that you want a quid pro quo - so every month or so, you expect one of them to come and stay for a week, or a long weekend.
With siblings you have to formalise the care arrangements - believe me, when it comes to sharing out your dad's estate they will all expect to get as much as you and will want formality at that stage. Make sure they deserve it by presenting them with their duties now.
You have a job and need time to yourself. What would be the solution if you didn't live in the same town? There is no reason for you to give up your life and health to care for anyone...it is a choice some folks make. If this isn't what you want from life, then make the necessary changes now! Good luck.
No need to have a confrontation with him. "Dad, starting next week, I'll try to come over Tuesday and Friday after work. So let's get some groceries in ahead of that so we can get on a schedule. I'm worn out." Period. Don't argue with him; don't get into a long discussion about it. If he starts to berate or otherwise criticize you, just say, "Dad, I've got to go. Call me tomorrow with your grocery list so I can get you stocked up."
If he doesn't call you the next day (because he's mad), let it go until the next. Then call and see if he's made a list. If not, and if he starts arguing, "Dad, I've got to go now. I'll call tomorrow. Let me know what you need."
Get used to dad being angry for a while. You've set a horrible pattern for yourself that isn't working for you. For him? It works just fine. Any change in that will guarantee push back. Close your ears and relish the extra time you'll have. He'll get over it soon enough.
You don't say what all you do for him . . . if we knew that, maybe we could give some suggestions on how to manage your tasks so that, while he's not SEEING you every day, most everything's being handled.
It is completely unreasonable for a parent to expect daily visits. If he needs daily visits? He shouldn't be living alone. And I'd tell him THAT, too.
I cope by telling myself repeatedly, "This man's mind does not work like it should," and that helps. Other times during a rant I simply tell him "Ya know what? I don't need to take this," and I walk out of the room.
It is painful, it is hard, it is neverending. And I've only been a caregiver for 2-1/2 years! Seems so much longer. Dad is physically very healthy with a heart as strong as a horse but his mind is deteriorating daily. This is the tragedy. I resent anyone telling me that I "want him dead"; I want him to have a clear mind!
Your situation is what so many caregivers deal with. Your dad is used to you and you are in town so he thinks it's easier for you to tend to his needs. He also may prefer your help to that of your siblings but won't say so.
Whatever the reason, you'll have to stand up for yourself and let your dad and your siblings know that you can't do it all yourself. If your dad needs more help than you can provide and your siblings won't help, then let them all know that hired in-home help will be needed.
I know that this is hard, but if you don't stand up for yourself now you'll be having a lot more trouble later. Please keep in touch so that we know how you are doing.
Carol
Now, is there a reason why your father needs you to visit daily? Even though I live with my parents (when mom was alive), my dad wanted me to call daily while I was at work. He was bedridden mom's main caregiver. He was scared that he might collapse and no one would find him until I came home late at 6-7pm. IMaybe you can try to keep your visit short. Or call them instead if you're too tired to see them.
My siblings never called daily. Some of them only calls on holidays. That's it. Maybe the next time your siblings visit, you do a disappearing act? Let them take over with your parents. And use their visit for your vacation from the parents.