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My dad is being denied his basic right. She won’t allow him to watch tv, play on his phone or let him have any privacy with his children. I was allowed to see him without restrictions. My sister hasn’t been allowed to see our dad in over 3 months. I began advocating for her with our stepmom and this has made her very mad that I was trying to get her to let my sister to visit. I asked my dad quietly when I visited him last weekend and I asked him if he wanted to see his daughter and he said he really wanted to see her and he said yes but said we would have make a plan to get around his wife. Today we were sent texts laying out the rules to visit and the consequences if we did not abide them. The rules are absurd. She also we were not allowed to talk to him unless she was present. We just want to spend some time with our dying dad. What can we do? Would a lawyer be able to help?

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SueBeebe: You should be in touch with his Hospice team in regard to this issue and also Adult Protective Services.
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First report this to adult protective services and have them investigate and take over. Second, see an eldercare attorney for help. Third, ignore this woman and do what your father is asking you to do. Something is wrong here that she is so controlling - why? You have every right to see your blood father. I would also involve the head management of the facility you will take action if someone interferes with you seeing him. Something is not right.
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Adult Protective Services?
Removing/Alternative Power of Attorney?
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There are two sides to every story. I’d like to know what your stepmoms reasoning is. Either you don’t know it or are not bringing it to light here. Why can you visit, but not your sister? There’s more going on here. Maybe you can ask your father to tell his wife directly he wants to see his daughters. If he doesn’t have to gumption to speak with his wife, then he needs to tell every nurse, every doctor, every one who comes into his room that he wants to see his daughters and his wife is not allowing it and he doesn’t understand why. Does you father have dementia? You mentioned hallucinations, but is your father “with it” enough to speak his own mind?

i sympathize with you…things are hard enough in this situation, then throw family drama on top. Your fathers wishes should be honored…not yours, not your sisters, not your stepmoms…only your fathers. And to add even more confusion, your fathers wishes can change. He can decide he wants to see his daughters and then he can change his mind, so that’s back to is your father “with it”. Does he know what he wants?

If your father is not able to clearly state what he wants, then yeah, everyone can and will foist heir own version of “what’s best for your father”. That’s a shame, but no one can really second guess what your father wants if he can’t state it.

The drama of trying to move him to a different home seems unnecessary, especially if he’s is otherwise doing well there. If your step mom has POA, not sure what you can do but try and fight, and that just seems wrong with your fathers well being at stake. Certainly you and your sister can sit down with your stepmom and work out something…either agree to visits or an understanding why it’s not a good idea. You are all adults and your father life is on a thread. Work something out. Try hard.
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Grandma1954 Feb 2022
I like to say there are 3 sides to every story. The truth often lies somewhere in between the two.
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There is a very good possibility that you can use the Hospice Social Worker and or Hospice Chaplain to be an advocate in this situation. But only if it is your dads best interest. There may be some underlying problem that you are unaware of, and maybe your dad is also unaware.
The Hospice Social Worker and Chaplain might be of help.
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Ella2021 Feb 2022
Great answer!
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Wife thinks that having unrestricted visitors will kill him. She forgot that he's already dying. Nothing should matter in the last leg of his life.
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SueBeebe, I see you've posted responses that you've involved the authorities. I am so relieved. May they help you, your father, and your family give him his final days on earth that brings you all comfort.

Please, keep us posted. *hug* to you.
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Hospice has social workers. Maybe they could help you.
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SueBeebe, my heart goes out to you. No matter what the ulterior motives are, your fathers wife is being malicious. I was encouraged that you decided to fight back - please keep us posted on the outcome. Not only do we care, but others can learn from your situation and how you resolved it.
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Katefalc Feb 2022
Maybe his wife is overcome with grief and thinks she’s doing what is best for him. Although I don’t agree with her decision, we should not judge. We are not living in her shoes.
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Is there some history between sister and step mom that makes step mom want to keep your sister away? Might your dad give money to your sister and step mom wants to prevent that? That be part of her reason for disallowing private visits and phone. What is her objection to tv? What is your dad able and "allowed" to do all day?
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Elder abuse contact elder abuse and make a formal complaint against her .
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Sounds like an abusive situation. Please contact the authorities where your dad lives. He may have to spend his remaining time in a long term facility, but he will be allowed visitors. I am also concerned your dad's wife may be having mental health issues and need to be evaluated and treated.
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Try to get as much communication with her a possible to be via text or email. It'll help your case to have hard evidence vs. "he said/she said."
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I think you will have an uphill battle unless you can prove your father is being abused in terms of you getting him removed from his home. If he is under hospice care I assume caregivers are coming into the home to provide the comfort and care he needs, correct? Also, as someone mentioned, a social worker is most likely involved. There has to be some reason the wife is so protective of him. How long has she been married to your dad? Did you visit your dad regularly throughout the years? What could possibly be her motive? There has to be some history going on here. Just some thoughts.
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Your stepmom is the lioness at the gate. I assume she is POA for your Dad. I would stay within the rules, I would offer her help, I would bring her flowers, candies and casseroles. I would do all I could to be near my Dad were in hospice. Period. Bottom line. Your goal now is to see your Dad. Your stepmom is in charge. There are no choices here.
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SueBeebe Feb 2022
Thank you for your response. Your suggestions have been tried and failed. We are involving authorities at this time.
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Don't jeopardize your own visitation time; you too could easily be cut off. Your sister might want to try reasoning with the wife herself. If that fails, she has nothing to lose by speaking with an eldercare attorney to see if she could request court-ordered visitation. Or when he begins to fail, perhaps connect them via a video chat? In the meantime, you might want to do some sleuthing to see if there have been recent changes made to his Estate, Will, or Trust documents.
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SueBeebe Feb 2022
Thank you for your response. My sister has begged, sent flowers and has done everything to improve the situation. Because I advocated for my sister I am now at risk for not seeing my dad. We have contacted authorities and a plan has been implemented.
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How do you know that his wife is placing all these restrictions on him?
If from dad it may not be reliable information.

Contacting the hospice social worker would be helpful, I would think. Perhaps they can remind the wife that this is what is best for him and it is not about her.

Legal? It is not illegal, but there could possibly be some things occurring behind closed doors that are illegal. You could certainly consult with an attorney and ask if they would issue her a cease and desist letter. I have no idea if this would fly or not. Definitely try the social worker approach first.
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SueBeebe Feb 2022
My stepmother implemented the restrictions via text to my sister and me. Today I have contacted social workers, DCF, and hospice and the are rapidly investigating the social isolation experienced by my dad. I am waiting on a return call from an attorney. Thank you for you input.
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Won't allow him to watch TV?

Is she afraid that you all are going v to try to get him to change his will or POA?

Is he buying stuff he sees on TV?

Are you privy to the Hospice arrangements? Perhaps a chat with the Social Worker is in order.
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SueBeebe Feb 2022
He isn’t allowed to watch TV. She said he must sit in his boredom. He can’t have his phone to play games. His thinking is overall pretty clear. With Parkinson’s the are moments he hallucinates. I have been in touch with hospice, social workers and an attorney. I am going to try and get him removed from his home. I will care for him. Thank you for your response.
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Wow, she's the textbook evil stepmom. What's she so darn paranoid and controlling about?
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