My father doesn’t want to use a cane but it might be time. Family is opposing the use of a cane. Any advice?

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My father doesn’t want to use a cane but it might be time. Family is opposing the use of a cane. Any advice?

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My father goes on a walk with us but I’ve noticed he tends to trip every now and then and his balance is off even though he hasn’t actually fallen. I feel It’s safer if he uses a cane. He’s adamant he will never be seen with a cane or walker. My sister who lives out of state says let him do what he wants and walk with you and just be happy. He’s not ready mentally for a cane she says. I guess I’m the practical sibling and she’s all about dad being happy, so we tend to butt heads on his care. So I said I’m responsible for his care since he lives with me. I need to make sure he’s safe. She says leave him alone. So now I feel I not only have to convince him to use a cane I also have to convince my sister if he wants to walk with us he has to be safe. Anyone else have a problem similar to this? It’s very stressful

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can you get him a stylish walking stick?

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Maybe he would benefit from an eval from a physical therapist. They can assess why he is off balance and tripping, and give him some things to work on. I've seen a lot of success with this, but he'd have to be willing to go. Usually you have to get a referral from his primary care physician if you want to go that route.

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PT can be done at home, too.

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Hate to say this, but if he’s going to fall, he’ll fall. And if he doesn’t want to use a cane, he’ll fall and blame the cane.

If his doctor can talk him into trying a balance class, and he likes the idea, he might enjoy it and enjoy being with other people his age. Or might think the idea was terrible.

And this-if a walk is “happy” and he enjoys walking with you, you may wind up spoiling walking by going at him to hard about the cane.

And also- to be of any help, a cane needs to be used correctly and consistently and if you happen to be a physical or occupational therapist you would know what he should be doing but if not, or if he just agrees to use the cane and doesn’t know how or why, he may develop habits that will have to be broken if he arrives at a point when he MUST use a cane.

Your intention is excellent. Unfortunately, he’s not into buying it. Your stress comes from your love for him. See if you can find a (sneaky if necessary) way to enlist the help of his physician and get his gait and walk assessed formally. May work well for both of you.

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My dad had to bite the dust multiple times before he could get past the vanity of using a cane.

Now he says he uses it for self protection, so true, just a different perspective on self protection 😀

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Dad can choose not to use a cane. And you can (should) choose to not be Dad’s human replacement for a cane. If you allow Dad to develop the “adult child in lieu of assistive device” routine.... one false move and you’re both on the ground. Then what?

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Wold he go for a walking stick or something instead of a cane? The word cane just has negative conotations I think.

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My own experience with family elders is that a cane is far less beneficial than a walker, though the canes with four prongs at the bottom that can stand alone are better than the simple walking sticks. I hired a walker for MIL for a particularly difficult time, after she had refused it for months and months. After 3 months hire, she loved it and insisted that I bought that particular walker from the hire company because she didn’t want to let it go. The hire company was very happy to sell it because it had no adjustments and was only suitable for someone as short as MIL.

Could you find a lovely walking path that is really only safe with a walker, and hire one as a special treat so that he can go down that path? The walk needs a rest part-way along, and the walkers have a seat that he can use, etc etc. Use that as an introduction? I wouldn’t fight the good fight over a cane, only to have to repeat it for a walker.

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I agree, ask his doctor for an order for a therapist to evaluate him. Sounds like he may not be picking his feet up. The first time he fell, I would say no more walking until u use something.

This is how I feel about canes. They are only good if one leg is the problem. And like said, he would need to be shown how to use it properly. Most people don't. If both legs are involved, then a walker is needed. And that too needs someone to show the person the proper way to use it. My Mom went thru therapy 2x with the same walker. No adjustment the first time, but there was the second. They made it higher.

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My mom refused a cane and walker right up until she fell a few times and it hurt. That changed her mind quickly. We left both available for her...she eventually started using them..

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After my husband's surgery, he used a hiking pole. Perhaps your dad would be more comfortable with that.

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I was going to suggest that too. They have ones with a compass on them. Maybe suggest he carry it in case a stray comes along and then he can protect both of you. Another suggestion would be to ask to hold his arm while you stroll along.

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Get his doctor to order a gait assessment by a PT. We did that with my dad. They will also give him leg exercises

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I had my 95yr old dad evaluated and he got PT that came to him. His mind was very good, just stubborn and wouldn't use his walker .He said walkers were for attention. THEN he tripped outside and had to go to hospital where they gave him walker, but after 7 weeks there, he went to the bathroom not taking it, and fell into the shower.... he was age 98 still thinking he could be without it. Get evaluation, then PT and also training how to properly use a walker. ..I saw on TV the UPWALKER that allows them not to slump. 5 yrs since my dads passing, but wish i had seen this.

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I suggest he use a cane. God Forbid he falls, gets hurt and ends of in the hospital. Ask him out he would feel if he were to fall and get injured. My father had a cane too...he used it, he didn't like it, and sometimes he lifted it off the ground instead of putting it down to help him walk. Did he fall, yes numerous times...then he didn't mind at all using it...be the sensible one...she says to "leave him alone" how would she feel if fell on his head, or broke his arm or hip? then i guarantee it will be all "Your fault"....you are in control...

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My DH aunt has been using a cane for several years. A couple of years ago I asked a therapist about her using a walker instead. Therapist said she did great with the cane and he wouldn’t change. Now she is showing signs of really needing the walker. She is furniture surfing when alone or wanting to lean on her aide which I discourage.
When I have her use the walker, she appears much more confident but she may have passed the time to use it on her own. I would like to have therapy come give us pointers. I suspect I’ll have to remove the cane in order to get her to use the walker as a first choice until she gets used to it. She’s 93 and has dementia so it might take awhile.
If your dad is still pretty with it explain to him that learning the proper way to use a cane or walker now will help him avoid falls in the future. Of course he needs to avoid rough or uneven terrain. Check his shoes and feet (nails) as well. A therapist pointed out that aunt had the wrong shoes for safety.

Your sister might be more supportive if you get your dad the proper evaluation. She’s perhaps in a bit of denial. We don’t all arrive at the same time. Maybe he should go home with her for a few weeks and you can be the backseat driver.
I would also get him a bone density test if he’s never had one.
I had a GF who didn’t want to be seen with a cane or walker. When she needed a hip replacement and couldn’t walk, she used a crutch. Lol
Her vanity could accept that.

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MOBILITY is a precious gift. Preserve it. One fall can be the "gamer changer" and he will never walk again or get a brain bleed and die. In short, DNR and hospice for end-of-life care. Convince your family THEY are the ones who will be doing all the caregiving since they insist on refusing to use safety devices. Actually he would be better off with a walker with a history of falls. Balance and coordination become slower as we age.

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When you are walking with dad IF he should happen to start to fall DO NOT try to stop the fall. You can try to guide his fall by trying to guide him down. But falls happen so fast that the instinct is to try to "catch" them.
He should be wearing a Gait Belt. With a gait belt you can more easily stabilize his walk. And a gait belt might make it more likely that you could guide him down.
There are videos on how to do this.
Bottom line...if he refuses to use a cane or walker you can only wait until he falls and breaks a hip, leg, arm or whatever.
You might want to have a Family Discussion now about the "What do we do when it is time for dad to be discharged from rehab?" Does he come home or do we find a facility for him? This discussion might put a bit of reality into your siblings head.
To further make your point..If dad will be coming home are you prepared and is your house prepared for someone using a wheelchair or walker? Is his bedroom on a second floor? if so start thinking about moving him to a room on the first floor. Is the bathroom large enough, is there a roll in or at least a walk in shower? If not might want to start renovations now. By the way dad pays for renovations that will fit his needs in the future. (by the way if he is a Veteran good chance you might get some or all renovations paid for through a VA program)
By the way bring dad in on these conversations, let him know how serious this can be.

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You could tell him if he falls and breaks a hip he'll end up in a wheel chair. There are different issues that can cause a fall but falls are bad and very common as we get older. Shoes are important. Non skid bottoms, etc. Balance can be affected by medications. Eyesight can make it difficult to see where you are walking. I use cane inside and a walker when I go out. Mostly because my knees are bad and I can sit down and take a rest if I need to. Also there is as place to put stuff which is easier than carrying bags while walking with cane. Yes, we may be mistaken for an old person. For me, I can go farther with less pain.

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My dad was the same - swayed and obviously had balance issues, but didn’t want a cane. I bought him one anyway - just $20 at CVS - adjusted the length to fit him and asked him to see how it was. He walked a little around his apt with it and realized how nice it was to have that little extra assistance with balance. About 2 years later, same situation with a rolling walker - he relies on that now, can hardly manage without it - also keeps the cane around the apt just for short distances inside.

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My dad was also very resistant to help. But reality does take over. You can’t force your dad to do anything, but age and loss of balance will catch up and he’ll eventually see the reality of it. My dad went through a slow progression from a cane, to a four pronged cane, to a walker, and now a rollator that he depends on for every step. A few years ago, as a very independent man, he couldn’t have imagined this at all. I’d encourage you to let time be on your side, don’t argue over it, and the reality of it will come

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You could try finding a gentleman’s walking stick. I found one with a fancy silver colored head for my father, he thought it was so pretty he would use it.

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A combination of eyesight changes, balance issues, stiff joints, and weaker muscles all combine to affect walking as we get older. And our reflexes often get slower and less quick to right us if we start to topple. I often casually mention to my patients that a walking stick or two gives you extra clues as to where exactly the ground is! And proper walking sticks one each hand are hugely popular to fitness and speed. Look up Nordic walking. Might be a way of getting in there while he is saving face. You might benefit from them too! I have used them myself for years on any walking that is somewhat rugged or steep.

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As others have said, get his doctor to order a Gait assessment and have the PT go see where he walks, or take a video to show them. Then explain to both you Dad and sister that when/if Dad falls if he is not following the instructions given by the PT he will not come back to your house. He will have to go to a facility or to her house. That you will not be responsible for someone who will not follow medical advice.

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Some people use hiking poles so they feel more "athletic" than frail. Hiking poles are more practical for actual "walks" than for just around the house. Around the house, encourage your father to walk carefully. Quick turns and changes of direction increase the risk of falls. Add ankle and leg strengthening exercises to his activities to help build the muscles that help keep one from falling even when they stumble a bit.

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Find a cane that has carvings that display his interests or hobbies. Does he like to fish? Is he a birdwatcher, a gardener. There's a cane for that. Yeah, they can be expensive. But so is a broken hip. My mom fell and broke her hip at the nursing home home three months ago. She died a month later.

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.

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Hello,

You don’t “have to” convince your sister of anything. If you are his caregiver and he is unsteady and a high fall risk you need to address that issue before he gets seriously hurt.

I take care of my mom, she too was against a cane, walker etc. I tried her with a cane and she actually looked worse walking with it, like almost tripping over it.

I started shopping for a walker, I kept showing her pictures of different walkers on my phone, she hated all of them!

Until one day, I showed her a cute ‘pink’ one, with a seat that lifted up with a little compartment, I said to her “look how adorable this one is, it can even hold your purse and sippy cup when we go outside for a nice walk, what do you think?” She said “I like that one“. I bought it and it works outside for her on her walks and gives my arms a much needed break...even added some silk flowers to it!

They have ones with 3 wheels too, and can look sporty, does he like a specific sport? a favorite team?? Decorate it, buy a team decal pouch to wrap on the bars, stickers.

Don’t worry about what other ppl think...do what’s in your gut and what is good for your father.

May God Bless you & your family during these tough times.

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Oh, good grief! If you father needed glasses to see, would he really refuse to wear them - and would your sister forbid them? People use various types of assistive devices all of the time - and most people don't have an issue with them.

If the man is safer using a cane, so be it. One trick that sometimes works is to get them a "walking stick," similar to what a hiker might use, rather than a cane. You can get one for yourself at the same time, and when you take a walk together, you can BOTH use your walking sticks. This might work.

The reason people won't use a cane/walker is usually because those items are associated with "old people" - and nobody wants to view themselves as becoming elderly.

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Is is he a fall risk? What happens if he breaks a hip or bones? Are the family members who were opposing the use of a Cane going to pay the medical bills and care for him if he breaks anything or is hospitalized? Ask them what they're going to do if he falls.

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First of all, I would have a medical person tell your father he must use a cane or a walker whether he likes it or not. Then you agree with that and tell your father that under no circumstances will you, if he is with you, not be using an aid. If he falls, and he will, tell him he will be placed somewhere and that will be the beginning of the end. He has a choice. Another piece of advice, get a POA and a Health care poa so YOU can have the final say. Do NOT give in to either of them. If he falls, let HER CARE FOR HIM or be prepared to place him.

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So, when your father falls, as he is going to, your out-of-state sister won't have to worry about hospitals, surgeries, rehabs, and everything that comes after the storm, so to speak. So why should she urge your dad to use a cane, as he should be doing, since it's not going to affect HER life whether he does or he doesn't? It's a whole lot easier for her to remain The Good Guy and leave it up to you to be The Bad Guy, 'forcing' your poor father to use a cane!! I know the routine. I've been The Bad Guy since my folks had to move here in 2011!

So, when my father refused to use a cane, we refused to take him anywhere until and unless he GOT a cane! My husband took him over to Walgreen's and dad was able to select a cane that suited him, so we'd be able to continue our outings to restaurants and malls, etc. When faced with that choice, dad suddenly became compliant.

Your father has a choice: He either uses a cane (or a walker when the time comes) or there will be no more walks or outings together. Until you've witnessed your father fall and go through the nightmare that follows, you simply can't understand the severity of it. And neither can he. I am here to tell you that I've been there, done that, and it was ugly.

Wishing you the best of luck.

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I bought my Dad a cool, carved wood cane. He laps up the attention and compliments!
My Mom was too vain to use her walker. She fell and fractured her neck TWICE! We were nervous wrecks constantly shoving the walker in front of her. Then dementia set in and it was even worse. It was a constant 2 year struggle. Mom passed away 2 months ago.....sigh....if only she used her walker.....

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My father doesn’t want to use a cane but it might be time. Family is opposing the use of a cane. Any advice?

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