My husband is adamant about moving our family into his father's home and taking him out of assisted living to care for him. Advice?
My father in law's mobility and mental health has rapidly declined over the past three years. We moved him into an assisted living facility about a year and a half ago. He needs assistance with almost everything besides eating. My husband was laid off from his job and I personally think it was because he was constantly taking off work for his dad. He can be very aggressive and inappropriate at times and my husband is usually able to calm him down so he feels inclined to go to the assisted living facility every time he’s had a incident at the facility. He’s had a few falling accidents with one resulting in a hip fracture because he’s so restless. The assisted living facility is the best in town. We feel like he’s had good care there, however, because he has a lot of behavioral problems/sleep disorder, it seems that they’ve over medicated him at times. They put him on an antipsychotic which completely sedated him to the point where could barely carry a conversation on with us. Since my husband hasn’t been working he’s been at the living facility making sure his dad is calm so they won’t give him anymore sedatives everyday all day long. Now my husband is adamant about not going back to work and having his dad pay him what he is paying the living facility and our family moving into my father in law's home. I stay at home and care for our 4 year old son and have 2 older sons from a previous marriage that are with us every other week. I’m also taking college courses online but I’m about to start full time in school Monday through Friday. I have serious concerns about our family taking over the role as caregiver for his father. Our marriage has been rocky at times and now even more because I feel like his father has completely consumed us. I feel like it’s all we talk about and we’ve gotten into numerous arguments and fights over it. His dad is constantly giving my husband a guilt trip about putting him into the assisted living facility. I’m worried about what kind of toll moving his dad in will have on our marriage. I’m also worried about what kind of toll it will have on the kids. He is always saying inappropriate things and begging my husband to “buy him a women” if you know what I mean. He has outburst and yells constantly through the night which is another reason the facility put him on a sedative at night. His father’s house is only 1700 square feet so I feel like we’ll be living on top of each other. He’s already made rude comments to my 13 year old son when we’ve come to visit him. I don’t know how I could handle that day in and day out. My husband said we can just explain to the kids his condition and not to take it to heart. No matter what we say to them, it won’t stop them from getting their feelings hurt. My husband’s made me out to be the bad guy because I don’t think it would be good for our marriage or our family. It hurts my feeling because before we moved his dad into the assisted living facility, I took him to all his doctor appts, made sure he had groceries, and even cleaned his whole house a few times while dragging my toddler around with us. It was hard but I did it because I love my husband and his dads well being is important to me. So for him to now give me a guilt trip and imply that I don’t care, totally sucks. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
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Keep calm. Keep from arguing with DH for your stress the kids sake if you can. But keep reading. Knowledge & support can turn this around. Hold on, it may be a very bumpy ride.
First - marriage counselling. It is not all a 'Dad' problem.. it is how your husband is thinking about his life priorities. A councillor can help him to SEE his situation better, then choose wiser.
Little does he know that he will be working harder than he ever has in his life unless he thinks that you will also help out with him on top of caring for the house and your children, which will be WAY too much for you, and you already know that. But sadly your husband doesn't, so perhaps have him read the responses you get over the next day or 2 and then see what he thinks.
I don't know too many sons who are willing to wipe their fathers butts and change their diapers(as that will come soon if it's not already here)and he certainly can't expect you to do that, so if he really wants to take on this challenge, tell him that he can move by himself in with his father, and for him not to be surprised when you end up filing for divorce.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. Dementia isn't a free pass to be abusive to anyone, especially children.
Your FIL is only going to get worse and he sounds like hell on wheels now. A loving husband and father does NOT subject his family to this kind of behavior. What is your husband going to do if daddy thinks you are the bought woman and hurts you? What would you do?
Encourage your husband to get his dad a geriatric psychiatric evaluation and get him on meds that calm him down without total sedation. It may not be possible because he is so combative and that isn't going to change with his address. But trying to get him stabalized now is the best solution for everyone.
Remind your husband that he didn't put his dad in AL, his disease did.
Can you and your children stay where you are with hubby paying the bills if he decides he's going no matter what you think? Because it could be a short lived experiment.
Edit: I wouldn't put up with my kids being treated rudely in their own home, so I would be more worried about me calling FIL and husband to task for messing with my kids. They don't deserve to be kept up all night with screaming fits and being verbally abused. A bully is a bully and that is what he is asking them and you to tolerate every minute your home. Not likely!
Sometimes people misinterpret 'respect your elders' & think they must become a servant - still feel they must 'obey' their parent like a small child.
Or maybe it is a way to earn respect from the elder?
Here's a little poem that sprang into my mind..
Stand up, be The Man,
Hero Lone Ranger, losing
Wife, children, home.
How are you paying the rent/mortgage now with him out of work and you staying home? This sounds to me like an "easy" way for your husband to get paid without working too hard (although he'll find out soon enough that's not the case at all), and a way to keep that inheritance from being siphoned off by nursing home bills. Of course, you will also get pulled into this caregiving role as well, plus your duties as chief cook and bottle washer won't diminish either.
This needs to be stopped before it goes any further, because I'm afraid you're going to be forced into a situation you can't get out of. Do you have any money of your own? Can you afford to live in your house with your children while your husband isn't working and is staying with his dad?
Just a flat NO to this whole harebrained idea.
Try to get hubby to see the light. Get him brainstorming for other solutions to this.
Though hubby may not like it, it might be necessary for his dad to be on some kind of calming meds. It is too much for your husband to be running there every time dad acts up.
His dad might actually need a higher level of care than AL can provide.
This is hard. Give husband a bit of time and leash to honestly and calmly talk about the options.
Good luck.
And it is a very significant decision, especially to sell the house and move with your FIL.
This could be only the beginning of the stress that you and the children will face when you become subordinate to your husband and his father.
There have been several posts similar to this one, with similar circumstances. The women were subordinated, frustrated, and reached the point of considering walking out and/or terminating the marriage.
These are some other threads here on a similar level of caring for husband's family:
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Forced+to+care+for+FIL
Too, too often we see people coming here with a similar situation. They're either unemployed, under employed or their jobs just aren't making ends meet. So the person figures: mom/dad need full time help, and I have no job, so I'll give up my place to live and go stay with them and take care of them. Seems like a win/win at the time - caregiving child has a roof over their heads with living expenses taken care of, and mom/dad have the care they need.
What they don't ever seem to take into consideration: when the care needs become too much, more than any one person, no matter how willing they might be, can keep on top of, the caregiving child finds themself in a real jam. With no other place to live, the prospect of figuring out how to pay for care becomes all-encompassing. Either mom/dad run through all their savings, and have to look at Medicaid, or sell the home to pay for care. Then caregiving child finds themself with no place to live, and possibly unlikely unemployment prospects. So the child becomes somewhat "stuck" in a caregiving role that they are ill-equipped to deal with.
If your husband, who has been the primary income source for some time, decides that he can charge dad for his care, you had better make sure there's a contract in place; you had better make sure you declare the income on your taxes; in other words, treat this as a job. Because if the day comes that dad runs out of money and needs Medicaid, they're going to look at the payments as a gift of dad to son, and there are going to be penalties attached that might make dad unable to qualify.
It' a shame that much of this has to come down to dollars and cents, but it's better to discuss all of the possibilities BEFORE you make such a life-wrenching decision.
that would give him a chance to realize just what a bad idea this is...and for you and the kids to see what it feels like without your husband present all the time.
An assessment by a geriatric psychiatrist can be hard to arrange, but very helpful. Or start with a neurologist. Hallucinations and delusions are part of advancing dementia, and much more common in Lewy body dementia. Drugs are helpful and effective, and do need to be managed carefully.
A patient who has been agitated for several hours and receives a dose of an antiphsychotic is likely to fall into a deep sleep - partly as a med side effect but mostly as sheer physical exhaustion. If your FIL's dementia has progressed significantly in the past few years, chances are good that the damages in his brain also interfere with sleeping and waking patterns.
Often a 'trial of care' can cut though any magical thinking that love/grit will be enough.
It can start to move the conversation from "I must help!!" to how do we find a good plan going forward.
Your FIL belongs in a Memory Care ALF, not a regular AL, if he's in a regular AL, I don't know.
None of you are equipped or qualified to care for an elder with advanced dementia who stays up all night, wanders, has hallucinations, uses inappropriate language with the CHILDREN, etc. etc. What experience do either of you have caring for elders with dementia? What makes your DH think he can handle his father, the outbursts, the incontinence, the staying up all night, all of the chaos and the bedlam that goes along with dementia??????
And your children: why on earth should they be subjected to such chaos from their very ill grandfather? What kind of an environment is it going to be for THEM to grow up in? That is the main question, really, that should be addressed before your DH goes running off half cocked to whisk his father out of the AL and off to live in his own home with the two of you looking after him, and your poor children embroiled in the middle of the lunacy!
Your FIL wants your DH to 'buy him a woman' wink wink. Well, along with dementia for many men comes something known as ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior. This can easily translate to him making sexual advances towards YOU or one of the children. The brain is broken; they don't know what they're saying or doing, yet WE are the ones who have to suffer the repercussions of their ISB many times! Then what? Will that be okay with your DH? The ramifications of dementia are many fold; people w/o experience have no idea what all they're signing up for when they agree to live with a person afflicted with dementia.
It sounds to me like your DH is thinking AHA! Now I won't have to work a real job anymore and I'll be able to take the $$$$ dad was paying to the ALF every month and pocket it, and 'all' I have to do is devote my family's entire LIFE to caring for him! Voila! What a great deal! Except what sounds good on paper often turns into a living nightmare in reality! Why do you think your FIL is being 'medicated'? Because his behavior is impossible to control, yet DH thinks YOU and HE can control his behavior without meds?
This is a horrible idea and you know it. Let your DH move into dad's house alone with him for a month. Let him take over the care and management of his father with no help from anyone to see what it's all about. In under a week's time he'll be furiously making phone calls to see where he can place dad once again b/c he'll be out of his mind with grief and lack of sleep. Watch and see. Just tell him you want him to do it alone for ONE MONTH to see how it goes first, before you and the kids decide whether you want to join him.
That's my advice and suggestion to you. Let DH fall flat on his face and then you won't have to do anything except say I Told You So under your breath.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed as you travel this road with your family.
If he's got a 2 year old and 4 year old, it's time for him to get another job and grow up. It would be an unsafe enviornment for the children to live with their grandfather.
The 13 year old could (maybe) understand Gramps can't control what he said. The toddler and pre-school aged children would not, and could suffer severe psychological damage in his rantings and ravings.
Antidepressants shouldn't turn him into a Zombie. Neither should anti psychotics if they are being prescribed correctly and the doc is getting feedback on the effects the meds are having.
I would have a word with the doc about the Seroquel or whatever that he is on. The hypotensive effects, possible tardive dyskensia, whatever in the mood-stablizer/antipsychotic class are greater than for sedatives in the benzodiazepine class (Ativan, Klonopin) but because they're a "controlled substance" people worry about addiction like that's the biggest thing.
It's not.
They used to call antipsychotics "major tranquilizers" and benzos "minor tranquilizers" because of how they affect people!
My MIL (abusive, narcissistic, complete madwoman) came to live with us last August because it became apparent that she could no longer care for herself in the condo (we owned, not her).
It is so hard. So much harder than we thought it was going to be. We have two children (a 5 yr old and a 7 yr old) and they don’t like her, and she doesn’t like them. She does nothing but yell at them, complaining that they’re too loud, or that they’re scowling at her (meanwhile, she’s scowling at them).
However, unlike you, my husband sees her for what she is. There is no love here - this is a duty, one that we’d love to be rid of tomorrow if possible. We are limited on choices, but really we’re waiting for the day when we can’t take it anymore and refuse to pick her up from the hospital.
My grandmother lived with us while I was growing up, so I’m not biased against multigenerational living. It has to work for everyone involved otherwise it doesn’t work at all. What your husband is doing is sacrificing his own family for his father. Not sure what the reason is - maybe he doesn’t really know. But, to save your marriage, you both need to be calm and honest with each other. One person cannot be dictator deciding en masse what is going to be done. It’ll never work.
Right now you are in a horrible position, but please hold your ground. However hard you imagine it to be, have no illusions - it’s 100 times harder.
If your FIL's home is close by maybe it he can move back there and your husband do 7 to 7 then hire an overnight person rather than all of you moving in. You still have your own space and it would be like husband is going to work. If you can work something like that out it would be much cheaper than a facility, husband gets to care for his dad, you get your space....of course there is a lot of giving but in the mindset this is not forever, it may work. Good luck!
Sadly the man died of a heart attack (only in 50's). The Mother was immediately taken into NH care, after a short time, she adjusted well.
I have told this story to my DH every time a whiff of that future fog drifts our way. Told him to enjoy living in his Mother's garage as she will rule the house & he will need his own space. Told him to get his life insurance increased too so at least I can live well on my own.
So your son together is 4 years old, and one of your older sons is 13. How old is your other son? It's bad enough that your H isn't considering his own son's welfare, but I suspect is going to consider his stepsons even less.
Does your H have POA/HCPOA? You mention that you are the only family FIL has who live near him. Where is the rest of the family? Does your H have siblings?
What is your FIL's financial situation?
IF your H does end up taking payment from your FIL for taking care of him in his own home, please make sure you heed the earlier advice here and tell H that it must be done officially (taxes taken out), so that when/if FIL needs a nursing home, that he isn't disqualified from Medicaid eligibility because all the under-the-table payments to your H will be considered gifts.
There are so many red flags. Your FIL sounds like he requires 24/7 care. You mention that your husband would expect your FIL to pay him what he is paying the assisted living facility. I'm no expert by any means but that requires legalities and contracts or you get into dangerous territory with gifting and messing up Medicaid eligibility as CTTN55 mentioned and that is not something you want to start delving into or your family could be on the hook for paying out of pocket for private care for FIL if you can't care for him at home until the amount of money he paid you is paid back. He can't just pay your husband to care for him without some kind of paper trail/contract in place that covers your family legally to be safe.
Your husband is trying to 'do the right thing' for his father at the expense of everyone else. My gut tells me that since you have already done a lot of FIL's caregiving you will still end up with the lion's share, plus taking care of your children and trying to go to school.
As others have mentioned, there is more at play here than just FIL's care. Your husband does not appear to be taking all variables into consideration. Caregiving can do a lot of damage to all parties. It is 24/7 work - your FIL has to be SEDATED at night to control him. Is your husband prepared to NOT SLEEP at night to deal with his father to allow the rest of you some peace? Your children need a peaceful place to sleep to live. Extreme case of course but let's say your children are showing up to school every day falling asleep in class and the teachers start asking why and they tell them that their grandfather is getting violent every night and keeping them awake - all it takes is one concerned (mandated reporter) teacher or school administrator to call in a CPS report and you potentially have a CPS and an APS investigation on your hands. That's not meant to scare you and it's a worst case scenario but it's not outside of the realm of possibility.
You already know this is a bad idea. Your husband probably knows it is a bad idea. He just can't see it for the fog he is in right now for a number of reasons. A couple of things come to mind. You say he isn't working right now. Is he afraid he can't find work? Or doesn't want to go back to work? And this justifies that? He clearly feels an obligation to care for his father, but there are ways to care for someone that don't include hands on care, especially when you already have other people to care for. The problem I foresee is that your husband doesn't really have any idea of how much work this is going to be. And it is going to be much more than he imagined. And once he gets into it, he is going to expect you and the children to help because he is going to be bitter and angry about HIS choice very fast and think everyone else should help make HIS choice work for him.
I have other questions I'll add in another post.
Where I'm going with this is that his income is not infinite - your husband could pin your family's future on your FIL's income. What about YOUR family's future finances? What happens when/if your FIL has to return to a SNF? What if he needs more help than you can give? Or if he threatens or worse, one of your children or you? What is your husband's plan then? And moving your family into his father's house. What happens if the house needs to be sold to pay for your FIL's care?
I know you have thought of all of these things. I think your husband may have too - but I think he needs a calm, rational opportunity to discuss these things away from his father. Maybe with a counselor. But he needs to be able to see all angles of this BEFORE he makes any decisions because if he brings his father home he will expect everyone to make it work. And that is not what you want.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
How do you explain to a four-year old why this elderly person flips out in the middle of the night and starts screaming and yelling? Your little kid will be terrified and traumatized if you all move in with your FIL. Please don't do it.
Your husband is making you the bad guy and scapegoat because he knows you're right but feels guilty about it. That's something he has to work out for himself, maybe with a therapist. Do what's best for you and your kids and what's best isn't to move into your FIL's house and take him out of AL. Your husband knows this too.
So...ask yourself....is this something you want to put your children through? Will his space be away from the rest of the family to ensure that your children get the rest they need or will they hear him every time he gets restless at night? Will your Dh be up with him all night every night to care for his needs? When will DH sleep and will that make him your responsibility during the day? To care for him and your children? Your DH hasn't thought the logistics through.
During the daytime,
1 - he must completely clean the house (since his father's care will require more housekeeping than what you currently do),
2 - make all the meals and 3 snacks for everyone daily (since his dad may be on a special diet and need additional snacks since seniors tend to eat smaller meals more frequently,
3 - bathe all the children and wash their hands and faces before and after each meal and bathroom visit (since his dad will probably need help with his hygiene)
4 - help your younger son to the bathroom every 2 hours (since I expect his father will need to be on a toileting routine every 2 hours while awake),
5 - Sleep in another part of the house with a loud alarm that wakes him up at least every 2-3 hours during the night (make sure husband does not sleep in but keeps to a usual bedtime and wakeup times),
6 - Provide the children with entertainment that does not involve television or the internet. If children can occupy themselves, then he must be able to see them while he does anything else and check on them at least every hour...
I haven't even addressed the inappropriate comments, agitation, and potential violent outbursts that require constant redirection of his dad's focus to other activities or more appropriate topics of conversation.
This routine will give him an idea of what caring for his father at home will involve. Most families understand that assisted living and memory care units are necessities since nobody can sustain this schedule 24/7/365. It takes a village to care for folks when you can't even get a full night's sleep and need multiple people to provide the needed care. God bless them for their work!
I would suggest that it might be better for your father-in-law to spend a little time in an inpatient psychiatric unit that deals with behavior modification for seniors. He can get his medication routine sorted out and the staff are well-equipped to handle his outbursts.
Your husband might to better to get some counselling to help him find a better job that suits him better with your family situation. Even if you were to take on dad as the sole source of income, what happens after father-in-law passes?