My husband is adamant about moving our family into his father's home and taking him out of assisted living to care for him. Advice?
My father in law's mobility and mental health has rapidly declined over the past three years. We moved him into an assisted living facility about a year and a half ago. He needs assistance with almost everything besides eating. My husband was laid off from his job and I personally think it was because he was constantly taking off work for his dad. He can be very aggressive and inappropriate at times and my husband is usually able to calm him down so he feels inclined to go to the assisted living facility every time he’s had a incident at the facility. He’s had a few falling accidents with one resulting in a hip fracture because he’s so restless. The assisted living facility is the best in town. We feel like he’s had good care there, however, because he has a lot of behavioral problems/sleep disorder, it seems that they’ve over medicated him at times. They put him on an antipsychotic which completely sedated him to the point where could barely carry a conversation on with us. Since my husband hasn’t been working he’s been at the living facility making sure his dad is calm so they won’t give him anymore sedatives everyday all day long. Now my husband is adamant about not going back to work and having his dad pay him what he is paying the living facility and our family moving into my father in law's home. I stay at home and care for our 4 year old son and have 2 older sons from a previous marriage that are with us every other week. I’m also taking college courses online but I’m about to start full time in school Monday through Friday. I have serious concerns about our family taking over the role as caregiver for his father. Our marriage has been rocky at times and now even more because I feel like his father has completely consumed us. I feel like it’s all we talk about and we’ve gotten into numerous arguments and fights over it. His dad is constantly giving my husband a guilt trip about putting him into the assisted living facility. I’m worried about what kind of toll moving his dad in will have on our marriage. I’m also worried about what kind of toll it will have on the kids. He is always saying inappropriate things and begging my husband to “buy him a women” if you know what I mean. He has outburst and yells constantly through the night which is another reason the facility put him on a sedative at night. His father’s house is only 1700 square feet so I feel like we’ll be living on top of each other. He’s already made rude comments to my 13 year old son when we’ve come to visit him. I don’t know how I could handle that day in and day out. My husband said we can just explain to the kids his condition and not to take it to heart. No matter what we say to them, it won’t stop them from getting their feelings hurt. My husband’s made me out to be the bad guy because I don’t think it would be good for our marriage or our family. It hurts my feeling because before we moved his dad into the assisted living facility, I took him to all his doctor appts, made sure he had groceries, and even cleaned his whole house a few times while dragging my toddler around with us. It was hard but I did it because I love my husband and his dads well being is important to me. So for him to now give me a guilt trip and imply that I don’t care, totally sucks. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
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First: what you describe is NOT a good care facility! I encourage you both to do a lot of research on facilities - even if it means looking outside of your immediate community - to understand better what good care looks like. You need to have that baseline understanding before you make a decision.
Second thought is that I'd pull in his geriatric care physician as a consult to any move. If he doesn't have a geriatric specialist, he certainly needs one. It sounds like he may need a neurologist as well. As with understanding good care, you need a solid understanding of his physical, emotional, and cogitive state and what to expect in the years to come. That plan should include an understanding of access to in-home care and hospice care.
With the clarity that the first two things provide, I think you both have a better understanding of what you are taking on, AND what you do when he reaches a point that he cannot be cared for at home. Without steps 1 and 2 you simply cannot do that no matter how many people respond to the thread.
Other items you need to include in your plan:
1. Cost of modifying the home so it is safe for him to age in place. Bring in a specialist to identify what you need to change.
2. Cost of additional support which may range from direct care for your father in law to support you and your husband will need so you are free to care for him, such as a yardman, house cleaner, handyman, babysitters/child care to do all the things you cannot do now that you have the responsibility of care.
3. Look into respite care as your family needs and deserves a plan for holidays and vacations away from dad. Make decisions on when there will be time for just you and your husband, and you and your family, to get away to recharge.
(*note, doing these things helps to emphasize what you are paying for in the care facility. There is a reason good care is expensive because good care is hard to provide - but again, he currently does not have good care.)
4. My final suggeetion is to strongly encourage marital counseling. You are already a blended family with a lot on your plate. The health and well being of your father in law is important and you and your husband need to be on the same page - whether you move him or not. You need to fine tune your communication skills because there will be more decisions - lots more decisions - you need to make as a family and you need the best bond you can forge to make them well.
I realize this may not be the quick and easy answer you may have hoped for when posting to a large blog. It will be easy to find people who tell you "do not do this" but the truth is you will end your marriage if you don't approach this situation honestly and openly with all the information you can get. If you are not willing to consider these strategies and know you won't take on the responsibility of care, have the integrity to end the marriage now - before your husband moves his father out of long-term care and is stuck doing this alone. I have had a committed partner who worked alongside me supporting my care for my mom, and it strengthened our relationship. Caring for a parent does not have to end a marriage, but you need much better information and strategies than you have right now.
i got my mothers attorney involved when she wanted to move back home. Her doctors already approved the move.
She had home care until she required (2) staff. Then her long term care required her to go “assisted living.”
He took the “bad person,” role away from me and put it on himself.
He made her sign the letter so she would stop protesting.
If hubby is going to be paid what the facility gets paid, caregiving becomes more than a 40 hr per week job. It will be 24/7. Facilities have shifts to allow employees to work about 8 hrs a day. Then they go home to rest. What he is about to do will be 24/7 and rest will come only when dad is calm and sleeping - which may not be all that regular. Has he really thought it out on how long he can manage with very little sleep and being in service to someone at all hours of the day and night? -- I get it. He hates to see his dad in a facility - and certainly he doesn't get the one on one care he would get from your hubs, but hubs may be able to do better for the family by earning an hourly wage at 40 hours and using dad's money to pay for in home help when/if he brings him home.
The other thing to consider is how long will dad's money last. Consider first what hubs plans to be paid and then plan for additional expenses when dad declines more and hubs needs help. -- Oh, and by the way, if there is the slightest chance dad will run out of money, you need to see an elder atty to help you with all the documents and guidance you need for hubs to report all the income he will be making as dad's employee. You'll need this info if he runs out of money and you have to apply for a Medicaid nursing home bed. Everything needs to be on the up and up to avoid penalty months. Penalty months equal number of months hubs will have to figure out how to pay a nursing home when dad is in much worse condition than he is now.
If all this is a deal breaker for you - then just tell him no. You'll help him find another facility if he's not happy with the care dad gets at current facility, but with your own work/school and children involved, you just can't allow such a negative home life to involve all the kids. You're right. You can tell the kids don't take the words to heart, but they will. And there's a good chance dad's words are only going to get meaner and more crushing, even to an adult.
If you make the move it will destroy your life, your marriage and take a huge toll on your children.
If he choses to take care of his dad inform him you will be waiting for him when he gets burned out but he is going alone.
Maybe go to marriage counseling because your husband seems obsessed, perhaps due to guilt and losing his job? He’s not thinking straight and in the best interest of his entire family.
Another word for placing your children-(all of them, the 4 y.o. and any under 18) in a "Toxic Environment" is called child endangerment, punishable by law.
Sorry. Step up to your new role as "the bad guy".
Own it.
Practice it.
Use it to protect your children.
So, the financial costs are about the same re: FIL's house vs. facility but there are plenty of other costs involved as you mention- and these cannot be dismissed. I hope counselling is part of the constellation because hubby seems to be a bit out of touch in terms of what he thinks he can change vs. what he cannot. And yes there is recovery language in here since I am blessedly in recovery.
All the best. This sounds very difficult, sending you empathy and support.
Listen to the collective NO ---
Your FIL probably belongs in a Memory Care AL Facility
Your FIL is barely meeting the rules for AL and WILL get worse
Your FIL likely needs a geriatric psychiatrist evaluation
Your FIL could live in a tiny home on his own property instead of sharing a SMALL house with 4 other people. You'll need to fence the property with locks.
You FIL may sexually molest your children, he may even expose himself to YOU or your guests. He may encourage your sons to watch porn.
Your FIL won't have the income from renters once he moves home, so he is expecting your family to make up for that by freeing him from AL.
Your FIL may not be allowed back to the AL once he leaves
Your FIL is probably avoided by others in the AL due to his dementia behavior
Your husband needs to read about sundowning, Lewy body dementia, etc.
Your FIL will do things like: leave ice cream out to melt in the night, wander off property in the night and fall in a ditch and die, approach strange women on the street and offer to marry or have sex with them, decide to use a gas stove and possibly burn the house down. Your husband could be held liable for his actions if he wanders.
This could ruin your marriage, make your children unhappy, and destroy your husband's peace of mind as well as yours. Your husband truly has no idea.
No inheritance is worth ruining his own life and happiness. Someone said your husband should get a job at the AL and see if he can survive the daily grind for even 8-12 hours, let alone 24. I agree.
I would happily take full blame. I would tell my husband I am very sorry and would tell him I accept full blame for being inadequate to the moment. I would tell him that I wished him every luck and that I would visit him and his Dad often as I was able, bringing in some groceries, cooking, helping out. But that I would not live in with him and his Dad.
So it's that simple. Accept what you are capable and what you are not.
To be frank with you, it is your husband I feel to be "wanting" here in understanding where his obligations lie. I would offer a willingness to seek marital counseling with a QUALIFIED psychologist or Licensed Social Worker. Your husband's obligations are to his nuclear family, his wife and his children. You will not be able to change his thinking. But he should not be allowed to abuse you for YOUR thinking, nor to obligate YOU and his children by his own wishes. I think because of his not working now he thinks to give himself some feeling of adequacy; because of his father's behavior he likely feels pressed. But this is hardly your problem.
So sorry you are dealing with this, but for me this would be an easy one, and in terms of my marriage, an absolute deal breaker. Not every marriage can last through these issues, and in fact, in an already "rocky" marriage, as you describe times in past, yours may not. Time to think about self protection for you and your children. The answer is not bringing a difficult elder into the situation.
Long and short I would simply say "I have thought a long time about what is best for me and for my children and our own child, and I will not be moving back to your Dad's home. Should you choose to do that I will help you out with some meals, groceries, and visit as long as those visits can be pleasant with our working together in your Dad's best interest. But I will not be moving in, and that is a final decision for me, not matter what you think or feel about it. So I won't be discussing it further, but will just be wishing you good luck in your decision. Discussion at this point will only become argument, which will help neither us nor our children nor your Dad. Let me know when you have made any decisions and I will help you where I feel able to."
Does your husband think his behavior will magically "get better"? I can guarantee you it will not. If you've read any other posts on this subject (moving in with a parent or moving a parent in with you), 98% of posters regret their decision within months if not weeks. Your family's mental health and well-being is NOT WORTH IT. The money you will supposedly get from your FIL instead of the assisted living facility is NOT WORTH IT. I'm begging you, DO NOT DO IT. JUST NO. Stand firm.
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you say no, and something happens to your FIL, like he dies in AL, then you will be blamed as the one that stopped your husband from taking him home. If you agree, you and your family will likely be miserable and you might also be taking on a good part of the caregiving. Your husband is not being fair to you.
Your husband has not thought this through and is not being practical. Like many people here on this forum, myself included, we have made uniformed decisions and found ourselves in deep. Many of us do not truly understand what it takes to care for an elderly relative, particularly one with dementia and multiple health issues. We make decisions based on guilt or emotion. Unfortunately you need to stick to your guns and do what’s best for your children.
tell your husband to get a job as a carer at the facility so he can earn money and also keep an eye on his dad.
Its a definite no. After watching my mum decline it ends up taking a team of people to help, the reason they medicate is to keep them calm. If he is violent he could lash out at the little one.
your husband is being unreasonable and only thinking of the money. Legally he may not even be able to bring his dad home, once diagnosed with dementia etc. you are not allowed to sign a legal document or a discharge of care from a facility.He may have a fight on his hands with the facility.
living with someone like that will be bad for your family and your marriage.
my mum died of Alzheimer’s and the end was not pretty. Mum needed a catheter wore a nappy and needed regularly turning in bed to prevent bed sores. Needed help with everything. His dad will decline and if he is violent it’s not fair on either you or the kids.
DONT DO IT,
It is NOT a good idea. There is far more to care taking than calming you FIL down when he is agitated. The living in situation would certainly disrupt and likely destroy your marriage and family If your husband is angry about your relectance to move your family in with his dad, give some serious thought to what that means about your marriage and your relationship with your husband.
During the daytime,
1 - he must completely clean the house (since his father's care will require more housekeeping than what you currently do),
2 - make all the meals and 3 snacks for everyone daily (since his dad may be on a special diet and need additional snacks since seniors tend to eat smaller meals more frequently,
3 - bathe all the children and wash their hands and faces before and after each meal and bathroom visit (since his dad will probably need help with his hygiene)
4 - help your younger son to the bathroom every 2 hours (since I expect his father will need to be on a toileting routine every 2 hours while awake),
5 - Sleep in another part of the house with a loud alarm that wakes him up at least every 2-3 hours during the night (make sure husband does not sleep in but keeps to a usual bedtime and wakeup times),
6 - Provide the children with entertainment that does not involve television or the internet. If children can occupy themselves, then he must be able to see them while he does anything else and check on them at least every hour...
I haven't even addressed the inappropriate comments, agitation, and potential violent outbursts that require constant redirection of his dad's focus to other activities or more appropriate topics of conversation.
This routine will give him an idea of what caring for his father at home will involve. Most families understand that assisted living and memory care units are necessities since nobody can sustain this schedule 24/7/365. It takes a village to care for folks when you can't even get a full night's sleep and need multiple people to provide the needed care. God bless them for their work!
I would suggest that it might be better for your father-in-law to spend a little time in an inpatient psychiatric unit that deals with behavior modification for seniors. He can get his medication routine sorted out and the staff are well-equipped to handle his outbursts.
Your husband might to better to get some counselling to help him find a better job that suits him better with your family situation. Even if you were to take on dad as the sole source of income, what happens after father-in-law passes?