They have been living with us for two years. Over the past three months Dad has declined quickly. We are getting help to come in, but it is too much for Mom to handle and we will have to move him to AL. He is lucid, but forgets much of what was just said. I wonder if he asks Mom to do things like help him dress, go to the bathroom because he doesn’t want my husband and I to see that he can’t take care of himself. I work from home because of COVID and my husband leaves early for work. Dad won’t let me help with toileting or dressing and this makes it hard on Mom. She is older than him and has a lot of health problems. Dad just agreed to allow someone to come in and help. But Mom says when they leave, he asks her to do everything and it is too much for her. Any suggestions.
Encourage mom to say no and stick to it. Encourage her to make sure the aid is doing these things.
Having an aide come to the house on a schedule, and having your mom leave the apartment while the aide is there with your FIL can help a lot.
This may be a short term solution before moving him to assisted living/memory care so I'd get started on that research now. You can see how elder care can be a full time job!
More importantly it doesn’t matter what the truth is from your perspective or the evaluators/aids perspective, if your MIL says it’s too much for her, it is too much for her (IMHO anyway). Try consulting with his primary or whatever doctor seems to be best versed in elderly care, about how to figure out what resources and options are available. You could use your MIL healthcare team for this too but I would caution you not to cross that fine line of including them both but taking the onus off of your MIL don’t put her in to position of having to say I can’t do this or that for my husband at least in front of him if you can help it. Might even be better if someone from her medical team is the one setting this in motion if you will and saying this is too much caregiving for her health, take the ownership out of everyone’s hands. You obviously have a great relationship with your in laws but it still might be wise for you to stay in the background as much as possible facilitating all this behind the scenes but letting their son and any siblings if possible, be the one initiating conversations about this, including you for sure but at least on the surface leading it. Good for you hearing MIL, looking out for both of them and trying to be proactive here, keep up the great work!
He might know already of your thoughts to place him in a home which is not a good idea!
He will have a happier moreover longer life staying where he is.
He probably asks mom because that's natural and what he's been doing for ever.
He may not be asking you or your husband because ir is embarrassing for him and he doesn't want you to put him in a place which is what you're already thinking.
Asure him he can continue living at home with Care help because of her health issues too.
Mom
should have already told him
Since it is getting difficult for MIL to do morning care tasks. Talk with your husband and see if he will do the tasks or if it is better to have an aide do the tasks. If FIL needs help with toileting and this is hard for MIL, it is probably time for daytime home health care aides (during work hours) or assisted living/memory care unit placement.
Something to try is for you (or the aide) to tell your father that your mother has an appointment this morning so you (or the aide) will be helping him get ready for the day. He will say he doesn't need help. You say, of course but in case breakfast is ready, don't you want to finish in the bathroom?.. OK, but since it is nice enough to sit on the porch, lets get these clothes on you that YOU picked out earlier. Things like that.
Clearly your mother will have to duck out. Before she moves to the other room, she can firmly say, "I need to do/go such and such this morning so (your* name or aide's* name) is going to help things go smoothly to start your day. Trust **."