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They have been living with us for two years. Over the past three months Dad has declined quickly. We are getting help to come in, but it is too much for Mom to handle and we will have to move him to AL. He is lucid, but forgets much of what was just said. I wonder if he asks Mom to do things like help him dress, go to the bathroom because he doesn’t want my husband and I to see that he can’t take care of himself. I work from home because of COVID and my husband leaves early for work. Dad won’t let me help with toileting or dressing and this makes it hard on Mom. She is older than him and has a lot of health problems. Dad just agreed to allow someone to come in and help. But Mom says when they leave, he asks her to do everything and it is too much for her. Any suggestions.

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BonjourWendy: Imho, your FIL may require more than an AL at this juncture. And yes, he is no doubt able to hide some of his embarrassment for short periods of time.
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This is not unusual, sadly. It is good that your Mom is telling you what is happening and I am glad to hear you believe her. It is hard to know what goes on in the mind of a person losing their ability to care for themselves. An aide with skills will be able to talk him into allowing help but it is tricky and can take time for the aide to get to know what works. And YES, he could be trying to hide the increasing decline from you hoping that your mother will keep him home. He isn't really able to understand the toll it takes on her and while you all tell him, that just isn't the reality he can accept.

Something to try is for you (or the aide) to tell your father that your mother has an appointment this morning so you (or the aide) will be helping him get ready for the day. He will say he doesn't need help. You say, of course but in case breakfast is ready, don't you want to finish in the bathroom?.. OK, but since it is nice enough to sit on the porch, lets get these clothes on you that YOU picked out earlier. Things like that.

Clearly your mother will have to duck out. Before she moves to the other room, she can firmly say, "I need to do/go such and such this morning so (your* name or aide's* name) is going to help things go smoothly to start your day. Trust **."
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Ask your MIL to make a list of what FIL asks her to do for him. Ask her to mark those tasks that are getting difficult for her. You'll then have a better idea of what tasks you need an aide or yourselves to do.

Since it is getting difficult for MIL to do morning care tasks. Talk with your husband and see if he will do the tasks or if it is better to have an aide do the tasks. If FIL needs help with toileting and this is hard for MIL, it is probably time for daytime home health care aides (during work hours) or assisted living/memory care unit placement.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2021
Good idea, but my guess is that you ought to do the list, in the course of talking MIL through what happens hour by hour in the day. The chances are that MIL won't remember on her own.
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Oh yes this is common. My mother in law would get her hair fixed, and dress up when we were coming in from out of town...2 hours away, and yet the sister in town with her would tell us she's really needing alot of care, we didn't believe it until we brought her to our house and were shocked at how much she was able to hide. It was early lewy body dementia. It's amazing how they can pull if off for short periods of time when needed. My husband now recently dx. Can also do the chit chat and look completely fine. Other days he can't find his money wallet or phone and struggles. Dementia comes and goes day by day. Watch the Trepa Snow videos for more help. Best wishes to you, we are all in it together! Prayers for you.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2021
That’s really interesting for many carers whose relatives don’t know or believe how much care is needed. You’re saying that even a short time with her in your home made the whole thing much clearer. That’s so much more workable than a dummy spit that says ‘well you take over then’!
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Yes, tell her to let Dad know she can't be doing things for him and to let help do it or he'll have to go to a home.
He might know already of your thoughts to place him in a home which is not a good idea!
He will have a happier moreover longer life staying where he is.

He probably asks mom because that's natural and what he's been doing for ever.

He may not be asking you or your husband because ir is embarrassing for him and he doesn't want you to put him in a place which is what you're already thinking.
Asure him he can continue living at home with Care help because of her health issues too.
Mom
should have already told him
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I think this is perfectly natural and it will change when your father gets used to paid caregivers. Your mom should probably gently remind him that she is not up to the tasks and tell him the caregivers will do it when they come. If your mother has always waited on your father, it might take a little longer for him to break the habits of a lifetime, but it’s up to your mother to refuse to do any task that puts her at risk.
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Yes, he is probably hiding his limitations. My advice would be to get a good caregiver at home for awhile. Your Mom needs to resist helping while the caretaker is there - this will get your Dad used to outsiders caring for him. It's important that she doesn't give in. This way, if his condition declines and he warrants more care, he will adjust better to others caring for him at home or in a facility.
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First show timing or whatever you want to call it happens with my mom all the time! My brother and I often commiserate about how capable she is when our younger brother visits or calls and the truth is she still keeps us a bay when she can leaning on one more than the other depending on who has been doing most of the caretaking, we switch back and forth. So yes I think this is pretty “normal” and no doubt much of that is trying to hide his needs I think it’s a natural instinct for most of us but it’s also understandable that someone set in their ways when faced with having to rely on another wants to stick with the one person who knows how to do it their way, kind of new routine. It’s also completely understandable that he wouldn’t want his daughter in law helping him with these intimate things. In some ways the fact that he’s lucid and recognizes everyone doesn’t help when it comes to these needs.

More importantly it doesn’t matter what the truth is from your perspective or the evaluators/aids perspective, if your MIL says it’s too much for her, it is too much for her (IMHO anyway). Try consulting with his primary or whatever doctor seems to be best versed in elderly care, about how to figure out what resources and options are available. You could use your MIL healthcare team for this too but I would caution you not to cross that fine line of including them both but taking the onus off of your MIL don’t put her in to position of having to say I can’t do this or that for my husband at least in front of him if you can help it. Might even be better if someone from her medical team is the one setting this in motion if you will and saying this is too much caregiving for her health, take the ownership out of everyone’s hands. You obviously have a great relationship with your in laws but it still might be wise for you to stay in the background as much as possible facilitating all this behind the scenes but letting their son and any siblings if possible, be the one initiating conversations about this, including you for sure but at least on the surface leading it. Good for you hearing MIL, looking out for both of them and trying to be proactive here, keep up the great work!
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Yes, “they” can act differently around people, doctors mostly. Look at memory care facilities and hopefully they can room together.
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He is ready for a caregiver. Please find a good social worker in your area (governmental or hospital social worker) and ask for resources. They will help you. Here in Riverside we have the Office on Aging from our city government. But, also, I have Kaiser Permanente health plan and they have their own social workers. You probably can't count on your mom much longer to do those personal things for him. He might need to go into AL by himself without your mom.
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Thank you all so much for your thoughtfulness and helpful responses. I really appreciate the support. This caregiving community is really wonderful. I realize how blessed my husband and I are because my in-laws are the best. So kind, caring and appreciative. Even when Dad is not feeling well or agitated, he always says thank you when we bring him his meals. I am thankful that we can support them. And I will be praying for all of you caregivers, because it takes a lot of effort and energy.
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Your idea that he is trying to 'hide' his level of need is accurate. He is able to 'appear' to be doing better than he is, for short periods of time. Happens all the time when an elder has a medical appt.
Having an aide come to the house on a schedule, and having your mom leave the apartment while the aide is there with your FIL can help a lot.
This may be a short term solution before moving him to assisted living/memory care so I'd get started on that research now. You can see how elder care can be a full time job!
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My husband, after many years of being physically disabled, has now descended over a short period of time into dementia. He constantly asks me to turn off the a/c because he is cold, turn it on again a few minutes later, put a sweatshirt on him, take it off, remove his surgical shoe, put it back on again, bring him a cup of coffee, no, bring him a coke, stop the dog from bothering him (the dog is asleep across the room), and to do something that he is still trying to figure out, and if I could figure it out for him, he would much appreciate it. Etc., etc., etc. So, now, even my refuge of quietly reading a book is gone. I would believe your MIL because your FIL's relationship is so different with her than it is with you and your husband. She is his "other half." The only half of him that works. Eventually that "half" will collapse, too.
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Be sure to find out from the aide what is going on. Mom may be confused in what she is reporting. Cameras are helpful.
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You should give the aid a thorough list of what needs to be done, regardless of what dad says. Make sure it covers the things that he is asking mom for.

Encourage mom to say no and stick to it. Encourage her to make sure the aid is doing these things.
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