My mom won’t move out of her home. What are the logical next steps and should we include her in the decision making?

First you and brother need to stop “enabling her lifestyle” by picking up the tab I know it sounds harsh and is easier said than done, you want wats best for Mom but coming to terms with reality is what’s best for mom. Just simply business by the sounds of it says you are simply throwing away your hard earned money, if the house is owned by the bank and there is very little or no equity you will never recoup the monies you are putting in to keeping her there not even through future care and you may need it for yours one day!

If she is clinging to the idea that she needs to do this or that to sell it call her on that, she can turn over the control of all of that to you and your brother and you will do the research to sell it and help her find a place and move but she has to give you that control. Bring a realtor in to tell you what you might get for it and what might increase that and what won’t. The market in many places is still a sellers market so this may be the time for the best chance to get out from under the house not just get mom in a place she can handle. It won’t be easy for any of you either way but if it’s more than she will do and won’t go along with it you really need to let her fail. It’s the same thing many of us have had to do with unhealthy non safe loved ones living alone who refuse help, we have to wait for the inevitable emergency event that sends them to the hospital.

I know how difficult this is but it sounds like you and your brother are both involved so at least you have a support system, present as a united front, that’s worth so much in this journey of caring for your parent. Good luck

No mention of dementia, so there is no way to make her move - even with dementia, you can't force it (POAs do NOT authorize one to do this, ALL per the EC atty.)

She needs a serious dose of reality syrup. If you can get the information
1) Total due on the MTG (first, HEL or reverse?) including monthly payment
2) value of the home
3) net income
4) utility costs
5) food costs
6) RE taxes
7) misc expenses

Tally this all up.

If you can SHOW her that her income is less than all her expenses, that's a starting point.
Value of the home can be guesstimated
- get assessed value from town (usually less than sale, but condition matters)
- check online places like Zillow (I find they are WAY over estimated!)

If you can demonstrate that the value (downgrade for any needed work, such as roofing, yard cleanup, major repairs needed like windows, etc) is less than or close to what she owes, it can help break that bubble. The housing market is fickle. Depending on the condition, location, desirability and local market, it might be worth less than the valuation. For my mother's condo, it was a desirable location AND it was the only 55+ on the market in the entire area. The offer(s) were for more than the asking price. BUT, there were major repairs that had to be done before it went on the market. Heating system died and glass all started losing the seals, so they would fog up.

On a separate list, tally up all the duties your family has. Assumption is you are still raising kids, perhaps planning/saving for college funds, saving for your own retirement, jobs, house duties, kid duties (including help with home schooling!) and activities. You can just tell her there are not enough hours in the day to get all your own chores and repairs done. You can tell her that it takes 2 incomes to support a family today, so you can't afford to pay all her debts as well.

Question: Did she care for her own parents?
If yes, did that include taking on debts and multiple duties such as painting and yard work? An occasional assist here and there isn't a big deal, but I doubt that she did this for her parents.
If no, then why does she expect you to do this?

By today's standards, 73 isn't that old yet. Should she be brick laying? No. But if she can't care for her own home (cleaning, etc), can't afford to pay the bills and can't afford to hire someone to do the work, it is time to move! Unfortunately, this is not your decision. The only decision you can make is to back off with assisting to maintain her "independence." She is NOT independent if she can't do these things and/or can't hire someone to do it. You can provide the information for her, regarding the costs of homeowning, showing her the income in insufficient to support this "lifestyle" and encourage her to consider downsizing to something affordable with less care needed.

As noted several times, your mother is only a few years older than me. I will NOT expect my kids to "prop" me up. I have been taking pains to ensure there are funds for my care, should I ever need it. I do have a mortgage, only because I bought this 6 years ago and having lost my job before selling the other home, some funding issues occurred, but I worked it out myself! If I can get back on track to finish the needed repairs here, the plan is to start paying more on the mortgage to get rid of it! As I get older, I will want to hire people to help out with plowing (have my own right now), shoveling, painting the exterior, etc. IF I ask my kids to help out, I PAY them. They are not and will not be my butler and maid!

Final thought - If your mother broke her knee doing yard work, no way she should be doing ladders (for that matter, most painting can be done inside without a ladder - they make poles for the rollers!) She needs to move, but that has to be HER decision, not yours. She needs a reckoning and the only way she will get that is to show her the bottom line(s) AND back off with assistance, physical and financial.

Do you already have a Durable and medical POA since she is refusing to be reasonable. Is there a friend or another relative that she might listen to reason from that you could recruit to help you and your brother? If you have a Durable and Medical POA, how is it to be activated? Has she seen a neurologist and had her evaluated for dementia.?

First, stop paying for her expenses. It was her choice to stay in the house so she has to be the one paying the bills.

Second, the thought of making such a big decision is often overwhelming for anyone looking at downsizing. It took 4 months to get my mon sorted out and moved to AL. And another 6 months to finish clearing out 57 years of accumulated junk. Do some research or hire someone to help with this process.

I rented a storage locker and stored anything Mom wanted to keep, as well as seasonal decorations.

Third, looks like your Mom is going to need Medicaid or some other form of government assistance since she won’t have the money from the house to use. Make an appointment with a social worker to find out what resources you might be able to access. Is she eligible for a VA pension? Mom got $1200 a month because my dad had served during a war.

Note that Medicaid does not pay for Assisted Living although many places will accept a waiver for a long term resident. Medicaid will only pay for a bed in skilled nursing care.

Forth, now is the time to start looking into alternative housing options. See if there are any low income apartments that charge rent based on the residents income. There might be long wait lists so get her name on a list ASAP.

And lastly, yes include your mother in the decision of when and where to move. It will be much easier for all of you if she is as least somewhat willing. Places, are,opening up for tours again so you might be able to tour some facilities. Good luck!
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This will sound harsh, but it is the truth. Nothing will change until you stop footing the bills, back off and let her have an emergency that lands her in the hospital who you firmly tell that you cannot and will not possibly take care of her at all. Stick to your guns, dam the torpedoes like the Naval officer said and won, plus take no prisoners or you will become one unless you already have. No rebuke mam, just the facts. The cold hard facts of this kind of life situation.

I do not live in the US but I have a dilema. Who inherits this house? Who receives the equity? Why doesnt one of her children live with her so they can share the expenses and care in return for the equity? This all sounds so very selfish. When you and your brother were kids how much were you paying for your keep? Did your parents tell you that they could not afford your school shoes and you should consider going barefoot or moving out? She took the time and effort to give you a family home. One you say is since your childhood. Can you so easily give all that a hoof? I think it cruel to even ask an parent to move just because it is not convenient to you that she has become a dependent. You depended on her long enough. Now it is payback. Thats what families are for. Support.

Imho, cease enabling your mother.

First, you and your brother need to have a talk with mom to let her know that you two can no longer contribute funds to her. You are enabling her to get what she wants. If youve been on this site for any length of time then im sure you have heard “No is a complete sentence “. Or no i can’t possibly do that’. Also, the research shows that 30 to 35% of caregivers die before the person they are giving care to. I hope you can talk to mom with a budget in hand and show her what income vs monthly expenses are. You and brother need to read up on creating boundaries and stick to them!
And do not continue to put your hard earned money in her pocket! You have to save for your future!! I wish you the best in figuring this out. Liz😊

By giving her money or paying her bills you are in essence enabling her. To quote the words of Dave Ramsey and others, you are giving a drunk a drink. Why should she move when you and your brother are picking up the slack?

if your moms house is large, maybe you could find some other people to live with her to share some expenses.

As previously stated if she is competent, there is nothing you can do except to stop paying her bills. After not being able to meet her bills, she may be willing to be reasonable.

If you believe she is incompetent, you may have to take her to court and get guardianship/conservatorship of her. As nice as it would be to have her cooperation, it would be the decision of the guardian/conservator.

I'm sorry for her dilemma and your family's position. Good luck.

We too are experiencing this problem. The doctors claim that she is competent so we have no say. We are constantly getting her out of financial problems. If she continues, she surely will not have any funds left to put her in assisted living. I am interested in the responses you receive on your post.

73 is not that old any more - and many 73-year-olds STILL work full-time jobs.

Whether your mother is competent or incompetent - if a person cannot AFFORD to stay in their current residence, then difficult choices must be made.

If she "won't listen to reason," then she may be in denial - about her declining health and her financial ability to remain in that albatross of a house.

As others have said, your FIRST order of business is to stop bankrolling her lifestyle. Why have your not put your foot down sooner?

She is just 73? Unless she has dementia and you have financial power of attorney, you don't have many options. As others mentioned, she is likely scared about her future.

Does 'the bank owns the house' means they have repoed but not removed her yet? Or that she owes more on the house than it is worth? What if you got a real estate person to come and appraise it and tell her what it would sell for. With housing prices going up, maybe it would bring a little more than owed. Maybe that would be some incentive to take the money and go while market is better.

Have you ever made a realistic list of income (she has) versus monthly costs she has and talked about that with her. Be specific that you/brother have been making up the difference and how much it costs both of you. Unless you can easily afford this expense, tell her you can no longer afford it and the house would be repoed if you quit contributing to the bills.

It sound like she is of sound mind, so yes, she has to be included in the decision. She has a right to stay in that home until the bank puts her out on the street if that's what she chooses to do. If she no longer had the house payment hanging over her head, you need to figure out what she could afford on her own. Is there any housing available for that amt of money when you consider other expenses she would have each month in a smaller place.

If utilities for such a large house are the major expense putting her over budget, when you review bills with her (without your help) add a comment that if she keeps the house colder in the winter and hotter in the summer, she might be able to swing it on her own. Figure out what she would have to give up to continue living where she is without any more help from you.

Always include her. The final decision is hers. What may seem logical to the young may seem like death to someone older. When people reach an age when they can't see life in the future tense, it's terrifying to themm. They believe that all that they have left is the past. If you take that away they feel that they will nothing left. Memories may be all that they have to cause them to get out of bed in the morning. Memories make it alright to live another day. How much is it worth to the family to keep her around as long as possible. Give her what she wants for as long as you can. Or someone needs to take her home with them. They need familiar surroundings. It's all about what makes her happy now. Uprooting her from her sense of HOME can be disasterous but creating an environment were she is surrounded by the people who love her can make it possible to see a future, a new sense of HOME.

It's really hard to take any decision in this type of situation. I'm not sure about your income, If possible try to fulfil her wishes and take care seriously this matter
Or try to convince her by explaining your situation. I hope she understands you and also helps you overcome this situation. This will be better for you both.

I read some blog and watch some video on the web about caring for our care person, I recently find "All Home Care Matters" on YT. They explain this type of matter seriously and you can get help from those people, I think

They recently released a video about " Caring for the Caregiver "
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcn8dU9RUBo

And they explain this type of situation

I hope it's work for you.

If she is competent she should be included in any decisions that are needed to be made.
And if she is competent you need to explain to her that you and your brother are no longer going to contribute to the household in the way of cash. If work needs to be done she will have to pay for it to be done. (If you or brother can do the work, great but she pays for supplies)
If you have been paying bills stop, This is mom's responsibility.
If there is no money for the mortgage then the bank will eventually foreclose.
If there is no money for taxes, (if she is paying taxes rather than it being paid from an escrow account that the mortgage has) then the property will be sold for back taxes.
If either of the two above happens then part of the problem has been solved.
Tell her this is the "new wave of her future" and she can either agree to find something more affordable now and of her own choosing or wait until she gets an eviction notice. (that may be a while due to COVID and the restrictions on evictions.
But you and your brother have to be concerned about your own properties, your own housing situations and your own bills.

There are senior apartments, condo's and smaller housing in "over 55" communities. There are also Independent Living facilities and most also have AL as well so if mom needs more help it will be there when it is needed.

73 is not that old. Relegating her to a facility at this stage would likely hasten her demise. I know I sure as hell wouldn't want my children to make a decision like that about me.

Long ago , both my parents both told me verbally and wrote into their estate plan their wishes to remain in my (childhood) their home until death. I was able to carry this out with my father who at 93 , after a brief battle with post surgery complications for a hernia died at home with hospice. My mother is now 94 , has mild dementia , is incontinent and completely incapable of self care and has three round the clock caregivers who rotate. I can't even begin to convey here the stress this situation has caused me for the past decade since the deterioration of my parent's health began . I am an only child, with no family whatsoever apart from my now adult children , two of which live out of state. I do not want to burden then with any of my problems in this regard.
I am the sole trustee of a significant estate , something most people might be envious of but I can attest to it being a nightmare. I have battled with my mother's neighbors in what became a party house after decades of private ownership. I have battled with the caregivers , I have been driving back and forth on the 101 freeway in LA , dealing with one problem after another for YEARS now. I should add I was also a single mother and was dragged and dumped 35 miles away by my ex husband while my children were minors and have not had the means to move closer . Pre pandemic it has occasionally taken me up to two hours to get to her .Every single week there is a new problem I am called upon to attend to. Here is the icing on the cake., One of the caregivers used to be my mother's housecleaner. She has worked for my family for over 30 years, starting with her job as a nanny to the children who lived next door to me in The Hollywood Hills. I hired her after my mother broke her arm , to look after her at night , at my mother's insistence , claiming this was the only person she would want. I might add that the other caregiver did not get along with this person and complained to me about her often . I tried for years to talk to both of them , to see what might work for each to feel comfortable in their respective roles. To make a long story short, I had to replace the daytime caregiver who had to leave to help her own family during the pandemic . She brought a very competent woman as her replacement . Within 24 hours the new caregiver was complaining to me about her. In the past two years the long term caregiver had become increasingly emotionally abusive not only towards the people trying to work with her, but also towards my mother and myself. She literally became a tyrant and would even periodically start screaming at me to the point I was in tears. About two months ago the new caregiver told me she would leave if I did not replace the person in question . As I did not want to lose her, and am so dependent on her , I tried reasoning with the troublesome caregiver and she would have no part of it . She didn't even respond to my attempts to find a solution that would work for everybody . Well I fired her, politely , paid her for her time and within weeks received a bogus worker's comp claim from an attorney , stating she injured nearly every area of her body over a period of 25 years. If I had to describe here the hell I have endured trying to keep my mother in her home I'd need at least 100 more pages. I have always been a dutiful and responsible person and I can't bring myself to move her to a facility . I am spending absurds amounts of money and literally spitting blood daily . I can't leave for more that a week at a time maximum . My mother was very abusive towards me for the first 90 year of her life and now has done a 360 and thanks me profusely for my help. I am grateful for that , but I am losing my mind . I am tethered to her care. I don't know what to say to any of you asking about this, It's an individual decision of course. I know I couldn't do it , I also know to what degree I have had to sacrifice myself.

Of course she MUST be included in the decision making! Why don't you find in home care! You have no idea how bad some of these nursing homes are. If you love your mother then you can make it happen! There are programs to help elderly stay in their homes. They will provide funding for care givers (who can also be family) and for all her needs. We have a program called IRIS here that helps. But I am certain every state has some aide available. God Bless You and Help you and your family now!

First of all you need a complete, detailed medical evaluation. Second seek an eldercare attorney and get a Power of Attorney, etc. Third, you immediately stop paying the bills - you must explain to her what is happening and why so you don't just spring it on her. You secretly start looking for suitable places for her to be - is it in a tiny home, an apartment, a facility? Tell her she must have help and you can't take on the responsibility to the extent she needs it, etc. Possibly have a social worker or someone from the office on aging evaluate her and the overall situation. It is obvious this cannot continue. Set boundaries and provide a time limit. This has to be implemented now - then go from there. But stop with the money within a reasonable time - do NOT give in.

For any of us to offer sound support, we need to know

(1) her medical condition and/or diagnosis (dementia, changes in brain functioning).
As some or one here as stated, NO elder wants to leave their home nor make changes. They fight [it is fear of the unknown] until the end. This is (usually, in my experience) a given. In some ways, the 'fight' is all they have left which they see as independence. Understand how she (may) feel(s) from her point of view (although understanding may not translate into a 'logical' conversation with her. It may help you in how you communicate with her to ease the stress(ors).

(2) What, if any, legal documents that give you/family power to make any decisions on her behalf.

What you can do is stop doing what you are capable of doing if she insists on making decisions that do not serve her interest. Stop paying for costs involved with the house if she insists on staying and you have no other recourse. You have to set boundaries and touch love is 'tough' - hard to do. If you do not, you will continue on in this pattern.

(3) Yes. Immediately get an attorney. If she is poor, she should qualify for social services or some legal organization that works with low income people.

Some good insights here.
Going thru similar here.
one mom has dementia and it is well documented- thankfully some things were legally put in place before she declined.
Moving out of her home is not an option for many reasons, but so was the caregiver situation she demanded. Honestly, we had to let it fail before she would allow a change.
fortunately we have rotating family members who provide care and support.
my other mother is not demented and wants to stay in her home too. She probably has no more than 10 years life expectancy ( family history, overall health, etc)
there will be NO way to care for her in her home unless drastic changes to accommodate another person. There will be no family rotating care, so it will be me snd my spouse only. That’s going to be the tough one, but again, I’m prepared to try caring in her home and letting it fail.
it sounds harsh, but that’s what we will do.

Everyone wants to remain in their own home, it's completely normal and natural. Don't take away her decision making in such an important matter. Have an honest conversation with your mom, letting her know she cannot afford to live there on her own income, and what it is costing you and your brother to keep her there. Once she's actually seen the financial burden it is putting on both of you, she may finally realize that an alternative place must be found. At least plant the seed. Then shop around for adult living facilities that are appealing, and take her to see them. Once she sees places that look promising, and sees the financial savings, she may be way more open to the idea.
Another less gentle option is simply to tell her you and brother can continue to foot the bills for another year only, and that its time to start shopping around now for a new affordable place. Then follow through with your plan.

Please have her evaluated by a doctor for mental competency and mental health issues. If she is deemed mentally incompetent, then actions can be taken. If you do not have Power of Attorney for medical and Power of Attorney for financial, you may not be allowed to make decisions for her. In that case, the court can appoint a legal guardian and this person will make decisions about her care. So these are steps to consider taking:

1 - Discuss drawing up powers of attorney, will, and advanced directives with a lawyer who specializes in family care. If mom is agreeable, then got those taken care of pronto.

2 - Write a message for her doctor about her living situation - finances, condition of home... and ask him/her to evaluate mom for mental competency. Also, ask about a consult for social services to help.

3 - Research other living arrangements for your mother: assisted living, living with family (who have agreed to take her in)...

4 - If your mother is deemed mentally competent by her doctor, STOP paying for things for your mother. Take her grocery shopping and make her pay with her money. The only help you should give is "reminders" to pay her bills and making sure she pays them from her resources. She needs to realize that she can not manage the house financially or with household chores. If she is deemed mentally incompetent, then help her move to a place she can afford and sell the house.

top paying for her to stay in her home.

If I were you I would call a family meeting with your mother included. Have a nice meal before .let the grandkids do the cleaning up and you and your s8blings go to a private room and have a tell all session letting your mother hear and join in discuss.
There may be the possibility of putting in outside doors for apartments. Your mother needs 3 rooms with bath. If this not possible she needs to understand. Things are different today than they were in her parents time. There are independent living for 400dollars. Call *a place for mom* they will help you find a place she can afford
You might want to have a mediator who can lead the meeting and help mom to understand and keep the heated arguments down to a minimum.

Hope this helps God bless.

This depends to large degree on how lucid and responsible your mom is.

You could run a simple test:

Stop paying the bills. When she gets overdue notices, tax reminders, and the lights go out, see how she responds.

If she panics, then it is time for a good conversation about reality.

If she is oblivious, then, no, you do not have to have her be a part of the decision.

You have arrived at a point where you and your brother have to take a strong stand. It is not easy. But living in this limbo is much worse. Many here can attest that after you make the "grown up decision," life is much easier.

Good luck!

Yes you should include mom in decisions that include her, in all the decision making.

After all, it is all about her and wouldn't you want that courtesy?

If she can't afford to continue to live in the house on her own income you need to show her the numbers, not just tell her she can't afford it.

If she hurt herself mowing then you need to tell her sge needs to hire herself a yard person to mow and edge every other week and tell her how much it will cost and see if she can afford it.

You can't blame her for wanting to stay in her own home.

HAve you considered letting her get a couple older roommates to move in to help with bills?

Discuss everything.
Does she have a choice to live with one of her chraters.

Best thing to do is lay everything out letting her know and see how much money it cost and what you and your brother have been paying and that ya'll won't be continuing to do that and what her options are and see if she has funds ya'll don't know about.

If so then she can stay and pay, if not the only choices are to live with you or brother or split the time and live half the time with you and half the time with brother.

If that isn't an option then see if she knows a couple friends or advertise for a couple roommates to move in which would help pay for her to continue to live in her home.

If that can't or doesn't happen, take her to see a couple Senior places.

Hope a Senior Place is the last resort.

A person is always happier in their own home if they can stay in it.

Senior Homes are mostly pleasing to the eye to the ones checking it out and is a total different story once you move in.

Once in, you are then under their rules...

Get up when they say, take a bath/shower on the time schedule, even end up getting more meds if you're deemed a problem or trouble maker, just to make it easier on the Caregivers.
Also trying to sleep with a roommate that snores or walks or talks all night.

If you've ever been in a Hospital, you know what I mean, you get no rest unless your drugged.

All I'm trying to say is, she'll be happier, healthier and feel more love in her own home or yours.

People fall all tge time in Senior Homes too.

Prayers.






Can she sell the house for more than what is owed?
Have a Realtor come out and discuss in front of your mom how much they think it can be sold for.

I’m sorry to say this, but you may be in for a long ride. My mother is now in LTC after insisting she was going to die in her home. Looking back she was in both physical and cognitive decline for at least three and probably more like five years. The house deteriorated because she couldn’t maintain it, yet she refused to pay someone to come and do work, insisting that she could do it. Bills somehow got paid, but she always seemed to be in a state of crisis. Yet she was still adamant about not leaving. We (her children) tried endless solutions-paying for cleaning always meant that it was done right, meals on wheels delivery guy was rude, or the meals were awful. She refused to let us help her or take her to doctors visits or even talk to her doctors. We all live more than an hour away and have full time jobs, but she somehow seemed to think that we “owed” it to her to take care of her. In short, she didn’t plan well and refused to acknowledge the situation and her own decline. This is likely to be a long slow decline and may well have some dementia aspect. All I can say is set your own boundaries and support her without enabling her. I hope it doesn’t reach the point where there is a crisis that forces her out, but that may be what it takes.