She is incontinent, and walks with a walker when she feels like it although she has fallen several times. She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me. I am 65 years old, still working, and take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week. My husband and I have not been on a vacation in over 10 years. How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too? She has always been very selfish and doesn’t do anything. I clean her in law apartment downstairs and have tried to get help come in but she refuses. Can I just tell her she has to go???
It makes me very angry to hear about elders who refuse to go to Assisted Living and come with ridiculous arguments about 'being starved to death' or 'thrown out like garbage' when in reality, it's like adult day camp in AL! My mother had the time of her life when she lived in AL, between happy hour on Friday, all the trips they took on the mini bus, the meals in the dining room, the activities, the parties, etc etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to have the finances TO live in AL. My 94.5 y/o mother now lives in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF where things are a bit different, but she's still better off there with friends and activities than she would be here, with nobody home and nothing to do all day!
Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to your dilemma!
But in light of her ridiculous threats, which I hope you have reported to her doctor it definitely is time to start the process of moving her out.
Also why on earth are you cleaning her space? She should be paying someone to do it for her. If she balks at strangers, tough beans, it is not her call. She either keeps it clean on her own or pays for it to be done. You are not her slave.
It isn't that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't *agree.* Doesn't agree, that is, that her needs have to be balanced with those of others who are equally dear to you; and quite possibly too doesn't agree (because she won't see it, because she won't think about it) that meeting her needs takes too much out of you and others in the household.
This is what you're asking her to agree to (note: this is *her* point of view. I'm not asking you to agree with this!): "My daughter has her hands too full to look after me. So now that I am old and useless I must help to look after myself by moving to a place where I don't know anybody, where I will be forgotten about by my loved ones, and where I will very probably die of starvation and neglect because my daughter doesn't love me any more and has forgotten everything I ever did for her. Fine. Where do I sign?"
Not going to happen. Not ever. So forget the getting her to understand part.
Find your facility. Book her in for a respite stay, using as your reason that husband has XYZ procedures or treatments coming up and he'll have to be in hospital and so you won't be home for that given period. Tell her this is happening, as opposed to ask her permission. Do it. Take it from there.
Meanwhile, hire a cleaner for heaven's sake. Stop giving her the option of free services from Blondie97's Acme Cleaning Co.
It sounds line you've been sold a bill of goods, i.e., "only people who don't love their parents put them in nursing homes".
It's NOT true.
Your mom needs more attention than you can give her.
Your husband should come first and it sounds like he needs alot of care.
Don't fall for your mom's manipulation.
How childIsh of her. Don’t believe it. It’s just another manipulation tactic. Like little children who threaten to run away if you make them eat their veggies.
Yes, you can tell her to go. It’s YOUR house, your rules. She won’t go on her own accord.
You are right and did right to put your mother in a nursing home because she needs professional care. She would still be hating on you even if she remained in your home with you. The only thing that would have changed is her tactics. She would take different approach in fight-picking and insitgating.
"I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! "
"I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything."
"My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her."
You've also said that your mother pays for nothing. Nothing in 11 years?
Sounds like you have had enough of martyrdom. Your poor husband! PLEASE place your mother somewhere and enjoy life with your husband before it is too late.
What are your mother's finances? What has she been doing with her money for the 11 years she's lived with you? SS? Pension? Assets? What else does she have besides those CDs?
You've been posting on this site since 2019. Do you think the time has finally come for her to go live somewhere else? You CAN make that happen!
Yes, you can just tell her she has to go. Before though, find a good home and have a plan in place so the transition can be as 'easy' as possible. Keep it matter of fact, straightforward...the time has come where you need to move to a care home. She may even be happier but will never admit it
It is her choice whether she eats or not (I would guess she will) but that decision is on her not you.
And go on vacation... like a really good one.