She is incontinent, and walks with a walker when she feels like it although she has fallen several times. She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me. I am 65 years old, still working, and take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week. My husband and I have not been on a vacation in over 10 years. How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too? She has always been very selfish and doesn’t do anything. I clean her in law apartment downstairs and have tried to get help come in but she refuses. Can I just tell her she has to go???
How childIsh of her. Don’t believe it. It’s just another manipulation tactic. Like little children who threaten to run away if you make them eat their veggies.
Yes, you can tell her to go. It’s YOUR house, your rules. She won’t go on her own accord.
Yes, you can just tell her she has to go. Before though, find a good home and have a plan in place so the transition can be as 'easy' as possible. Keep it matter of fact, straightforward...the time has come where you need to move to a care home. She may even be happier but will never admit it
It is her choice whether she eats or not (I would guess she will) but that decision is on her not you.
And go on vacation... like a really good one.
But in light of her ridiculous threats, which I hope you have reported to her doctor it definitely is time to start the process of moving her out.
Also why on earth are you cleaning her space? She should be paying someone to do it for her. If she balks at strangers, tough beans, it is not her call. She either keeps it clean on her own or pays for it to be done. You are not her slave.
DO WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO DO. You’ll still feel guilty, because you’re a good daughter, but you won’t feel miserable all the time. And she WILL get over it. She’s just threatening with you with the only card she has to play, but it’s doubtful that she would live up to it.
Look after your poor husband, and bite the big one with your mom. It doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It makes you a responsible one.
My friend told her granny to save her a place.
When your mother makes such ridiculous threats to you, tell her to wait a couple of minutes while you make a phone call. Then do it.
It isn't that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't *agree.* Doesn't agree, that is, that her needs have to be balanced with those of others who are equally dear to you; and quite possibly too doesn't agree (because she won't see it, because she won't think about it) that meeting her needs takes too much out of you and others in the household.
This is what you're asking her to agree to (note: this is *her* point of view. I'm not asking you to agree with this!): "My daughter has her hands too full to look after me. So now that I am old and useless I must help to look after myself by moving to a place where I don't know anybody, where I will be forgotten about by my loved ones, and where I will very probably die of starvation and neglect because my daughter doesn't love me any more and has forgotten everything I ever did for her. Fine. Where do I sign?"
Not going to happen. Not ever. So forget the getting her to understand part.
Find your facility. Book her in for a respite stay, using as your reason that husband has XYZ procedures or treatments coming up and he'll have to be in hospital and so you won't be home for that given period. Tell her this is happening, as opposed to ask her permission. Do it. Take it from there.
Meanwhile, hire a cleaner for heaven's sake. Stop giving her the option of free services from Blondie97's Acme Cleaning Co.
Next time she tells you she will stop eating and die if she goes to a facility turn the tables on her and ask her if she wants you to die from the stress of trying to do it all for her on top of the million other things you have to do. Ask her how she would feel if you died first. The stress you feel trying to do what she wants. Her answers may help alleviate some of your guilt about placing her.
She may not like it (you can add you don't either! ☹️). She didn't choose to get old & your Husband didn't choose to get cancer. But that's the reality.
It would be nice if she agrees to help you both, but if not, go ahead & arrange what you need to do.
Trying to reason with unreasonable people is a losing battle.
If your mother needs more care than you can manage in addition to caring for your husband, more permanent placement will be necessary for her.
You are not going to get her to LIKE this decision.
It sounds line you've been sold a bill of goods, i.e., "only people who don't love their parents put them in nursing homes".
It's NOT true.
Your mom needs more attention than you can give her.
Your husband should come first and it sounds like he needs alot of care.
Don't fall for your mom's manipulation.
It makes me very angry to hear about elders who refuse to go to Assisted Living and come with ridiculous arguments about 'being starved to death' or 'thrown out like garbage' when in reality, it's like adult day camp in AL! My mother had the time of her life when she lived in AL, between happy hour on Friday, all the trips they took on the mini bus, the meals in the dining room, the activities, the parties, etc etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to have the finances TO live in AL. My 94.5 y/o mother now lives in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF where things are a bit different, but she's still better off there with friends and activities than she would be here, with nobody home and nothing to do all day!
Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to your dilemma!
Anyone considering moving an elder parent into their home should read this post. If you must move them in talk to elder about deal breakers for continuing to stay in your home. Etc. Get it in writing so they can't claim the conversation never happened.
Use the information provided by the “visitors” who are assessing her situation in relation to your overall circumstances.
Don’t try reason. Don’t try coaxing. Don’t even try explaining the facts of your tumultuous life.
Pack her bags, arrange transportation (ambulance if necessary), WAVE GOODBYE.
your husband and your marriage are your priority. You are the one with the choice here, not her.
You ask how you can get her to go??? You go out and tour facilities, find one and move her things and take her there. Will she like it? No, so don’t even expect it. Will she be angry with you? Probably so expect that. It will take 3-6 months for her to get used to it. But she sounds like she needs eyes on her 24/7. And that can’t be you. She doesn’t know what is best for her care…you do. It’s a difficult decision but you are doing it for the right reasons. Use your doctor to blame it on if you want a scapegoat.
If you can't afford extra help, look for senior day care programs. If she starts to be verbally or physically abusive, video record her actions and play them back for her.
If *you* get ill from having too much of a burden, we've got your husband, your grandchildren, AND her with no one to take care of them - is that fair, even to her?
You are right and did right to put your mother in a nursing home because she needs professional care. She would still be hating on you even if she remained in your home with you. The only thing that would have changed is her tactics. She would take different approach in fight-picking and insitgating.
several months ago, moms dementia worsened. She couldn’t possibly care for herself any longer, I was doing most. My husband, on the heart transplant list. I’m also disabled. Bottom line, I told my mom if we didn’t figure things out fast, I’m the one that will stroke out or have fatal heart attack from all the stress.
with dementia, there’s no reasoning. You just gotta do what you gotta do. I said years ago, never would I put mom in a home. But, when you get older, your health and situations change.
I spoke to mom and said, “ma, I just can’t do this anymore”. “I can’t always be with you, I can’t take you with me everywhere I go, I’m afraid your next fall could be your last, I can’t take care of you, my husband, myself any longer”.
My mom started mixing up her meds when I wasn’t home, though I would set them up weekly. I had to them give them and insulin daily, few times a day, as I did with my husband. She didn’t eat right, so, we had to make sure mom was fed diabetic diet. Running around to doctors, mom hanging on me as we walked.
It is not easy. Anyone who walked in our shoes knows this.
I called a few places that we knew were better than others. This way I knew mom would be safe. I packed moms stuff and brought her to her new assisted living home. I gave her a huge hug , told her I loved her, and watched her walk inside with one of the staff. When I got back into the car, I don’t even think I got that far, I cried my eyes out. Like I just abandoned my mother.
I do bring mom to her doctors and physical therapy, get her tests done, go for breakfasts, lunches, or dinners. It’s still difficult because I feel guilty. But I know moms safe and I see her a lot, few times a week.
mom calls me and wants to get out every day. But I say, I’ll be there tomorrow or Friday or whenever we had planned. In September my husband and I are moving to Connecticut awaiting his new heart, to be closer to transplant hospital. (From here it’s a four hour drive, hard winters). I won’t be able to see mom much, which will be so sad for both of us, but will always speak on phone.
We left it to mom if she wanted to move closer to us and she said for now she’d remain there. But more I thought about moving her, I thought about how difficult it would be for her to relocate and start from scratch again. Winter will go fast and we’ll be able to visit again, once we know snow is all done with. (8 hours round trip drive)
Enough of me rambling. But the point is, it’s not that you don’t love your mom. You may have to do things sometimes that may not be a perfect solution, but at least you know that loved one is safe. It takes a little while for adjustment, but in time, it’ll all work out. Just go visit, call, whenever you can. Don’t forget the love your mom had for you growing up before she got this way. They don’t wanna be old and dependent, just as we don’t wanna be. Show a lot of love and you won’t have regrets later on. You’ll always know you did the best you could.
pray a lot. It always makes me feel better.
wishing you well.
Also OOMA is a cheap phone system and she can keep her phone number.
I still feel guilty at times about moving my dad. He is 95. But it is just a change of address. I go see him 3 times a week and know he has care beyond what I can do.
If she starts up with how she'll starve herself to death and it will be your fault, handle it like this. Don't get excited or let any drama start up. Tell her that if she wants to starve herself to death that's her choice not yours. That's a classic guilt tactic elders lay on their family to get their own way or to ensure that they will continue getting their own way about everything. I've worked in elder homecare for almost 25 years. There have been more families than I can count in your same situation. I'll tell you what I told them. Don't play into the elder's manipulation and guilt-tripping. Completely ignore them and walk away the second they start up with it. Don't feed it by giving it any attention. If you have kids, you will know that when a little kid starts having a tantrum, you ignore them and walk away, but you let them see you walking away. Then they stop. Same approach with the elderly.
Find your mother a decent place and move her into it whether she wants to go or not.
My mom is 96 and yes elders can be manipulative but being our mothers, makes them special, different better…caring for them can be fulfilling as well as frustrating but you will never feel guilty when she is gone because you know you’ve done your best for her.
She would probably be considered a Tenant living with you for so long.
You should give her a written 30 Day Notice that she must move out.
Let her know you will take her to go look at a few Assisted Living Places.
If she doesn't move in 30 days then on day 31, go File an Eviction on her at the Court House where you live. In Texas it cost $126.
You can get the paper work at the Court House and when filling it out you put the Reason for Eviction is Holding Over which means they are Living there and now you want them out.
You will get something from the Court that day showing when your Court Date is and Mom will get her summons for the Court Date in the mail.
If she moves out before the Court Date, neither one of you have to appear in Court.
If she doesn't move out go to Court and the Judge will grant you to have her move out.
If she is still in on the 6th day you go back to the courthouse and File a Writ. In Texas it cost $136.
The Writ will have a Constable come to your home and make your mom leave and you will have to put all mom's stuff out by the curb.