My Mother no longer wants a relationship with me. How do I move on without my Mother in my life?

Ladyshfr

Why would your siblings do this? What is their goal?

I know you are in deep pain, and I am sorry that this happen to you.
But have you considered that just maybe there is something bigger at work here?

This may not make sense to you right now, but I have learned in walking with our Lord that He removes people out of our lives, even people that we dearly love. You ask why would God cause me so much pain? Sometimes we don't have answers. But maybe in your case, you have become so depended on your mom, and just maybe God want's you to be depended on Him!

This is just my opinion!

I am asking you to look to Him for guidance, strength, and the answers you are seeking.

You will just have to put one foot in front of another and take one day at a time.

Please seek therapy to help you unravel your emotions about what is going on in your life. I get the feeling you and your mom might be co-dependant, which may seem like a healthy relationship, but it really isn't.

Sometimes in life things happen and it is unfair, but there is nothing we can do about it--just keep moving forward.

Heavenly Father, I ask that You help Ladyshfr in her time of need. I pray that You cover her with Your grace, peace, strength, and Your love. Heal her broken heart the way only You can. I believe that You can do all things in the name of Jesus. Amen

Say Amen if you believe.

May God be with you.

Look very squarely at why you can't spend time with your mother.

There is a restriction. Never mind how it got there. What will it take to remove it?

Do that.

Every other consideration can wait.

Hugs.

There's no "just" about it, though, is there.

If you were just a daughter missing the deep, warm bond you have always enjoyed with your mother, and she with you, there would be no restrictions.

Give any undertaking required, ignoring who's demanding it. Here's six months of pain gone by, and if it's for the sake of a principle, for the sake of refusing to give your word, accepting conditions as they apply for now - it can't be worth it. Surely.

Thank you for being so candid. I understand better now, I hope.

Look. Forget your share of any hypothetical estate. That really isn't the point. I might also think grumpily to myself "why the heck should she?" but that isn't the point either.

The reason you are prevented from seeing your mother without authorised supervision is that you are demonstrably an abduction risk. Are you prepared to give a formal undertaking that you will not attempt to remove your mother from her current residence - even if she asks you to? Have you already done that?

If your mom is 79, then you're in your 50's. You're wanting to move in with your mom to do 24/7 care that will be increasingly demanding, for an undetermined number of years. I know this'll make you feel pulled in two directions, but how does your husband fit in with this plan? All too often, we put the elderly ahead of our families because of the perception we'll have time later for the others. But there are no more guarantees on how long we have our spouses and children, than there are for our parents. I hope you'll really look at the impact this will have on your own family.

Ladyshfr, your situation is heart-breaking.

But every time I sit down and try to think of something consoling or encouraging to say to you, which I really want to do, I fall into this black hole of missing information.

Something happened that you're not telling us about. I can guess what kind of thing. I can understand that it might well have been an incredibly distressing time or event, that you wouldn't want to revisit. That's okay.

But along the route from mother living at your home with you caring for her full time and supporting her enrichment program; to mother preparing to move back to her home; to the diversion to the nursing home where - this is crucial - at one point you were able to visit her; to now when your mother's link with you, on her side, has been damaged in a way that even the most overbearing siblings couldn't pull off on their own -

There's something missing.

What went so wrong that your siblings not only want you gone but have successfully created the consensus on that? Did you try to spring her, or something? Did a confrontation get out of hand?

Don't answer this with what lying thieving hounds the siblings are. Sure, yes, we can take that for granted - who doesn't tell whatever story serves his own interest? But the point is that lawyers and social workers and related professionals, they all *know* that.

An elderly lady is not separated from her loving full time caregiver child on the unsupported say-so of rival siblings.

So what is the real obstacle we have to get broken down and swept out of the way?

How old is your mother, Ladys?

It worries me that your father died as her primary caregiver. That suggests to me that it was already quite a task. And then again an eight hour day is a lot to ask of a post-stroke patient. Still! - never say never, as long as you really are prepared to be guided by your mother's needs and best interests.

I have literally had nightmares about being in your situation - they were nightmares, this didn't happen to us in real life, I hasten to add - so I do truly sympathise with your feelings.

I don't think it's helpful to you to ascribe the worst of all possible motives to your siblings - that they want your mother's money, that they can't be bothered to play an active part in her care. It makes you feel worse, because it makes the thought of your mother being under their control even more frightening, and it doesn't get you anywhere. It's also not probable: most people most of the time do what they believe is right. You might have come to an opposite conclusion about what is right, and you may be even disgusted by some of their attitudes, but try not to see them as The Enemy.

I strongly agree with DeAnna's hope that an experienced Social Worker can accompany you on a visit. Being prepared to eat humble pie is one thing, but a visit supervised by a sibling with so much hostility in the atmosphere hasn't really got a chance of working, has it, not at this stage.

Have you talked to the Social Service Department at the facility and asked if they can assist you in setting up supervised visits (with or without a sibling present)?  Maybe with SS as intermediary, a compromise can be made so that you can visit your Mom with a staff member from Social Service supervising the visit instead of your siblings.

Let me first assure you, Ladyshfr, that I feel very sad for your situation, and I sincerely hope it can be resolved in a way that satisfies your need to reestablish a relationship with your mother.

And I do believe that family members can be selfish and devious. I boggles my mind, but I believe it does happen. I am glad you are in counseling for your emotions and that financial situations are being investigated. How long ago did you turn your evidence over for investigation? Such matters do take time, and often staff is limited.

But I hear warning bells in your description. You were ready to send Mom back to her own house two months after her stroke. Is that what she wanted? Certainly! Is that what was really best for her? Hmm. Did her doctor give the go-ahead for her to return home? Your siblings apparently did not think that is what was best for her. Greed? Maybe. But every day she is in a nursing home reduces their potential inheritance.

You acknowledge that she needs "intensive therapy" to regain her skills. Therapy is available every day in a nursing home. Nursing homes have staff skilled in evaluating what therapies and how much is likely to be most effective.

But my biggest concern is that Mom is in a secure facility, and you think you can immediately place her back in her home. How will you secure the home? How will you provide 24 hour supervision? Maybe you have a great plan, but you haven't described it here, and it worries me. Persons don't get accepted into secure facilities unless that level of care is appropriate. The most common reason is wandering -- leaving the building without supervision and without sufficient self-awareness to be safe. That level of care is also used when there are behavioral problems that could cause harm to the patient or others.

You say, "If the authorities act timely and allow me to oversee Mom's daily care I would immediately move her back into her own home.” What qualifies you to be able to determine that is in her best interests at this time? Do you think being in her own home would magically cure her? You haven't even seen her lately. How can you be so sure of the level of care she needs?

I am absolutely sure that you love your mother very much. I am less sure that you understand what is best for her. It sounds like you are more interested in pursuing what would be best for you. I think you might be blinded by what you wish were true, instead of realistically seeing the truth.

Ladyshfr, I also want to address something that you stated in a previous posting. You stated: 
“I want Mom in her home and to attend intensive therapy to try and regain the skills that were lost from the stroke. If the authorities act timely and allow me to oversee Mom's daily care I would immediately move her back into her own home.”

How much did the stroke affect your Mom’s ability to take care of herself? In other words, how much assistance/help does your Mom need to bathe, using the toilet, get dressed, walk, prepare food, feed herself, etc. Is it possible that your Mom really does need to be in a nursing home? If you research this website, you will learn just how much work it takes to care for someone who is unable to perform her own Activities of Daily Living (ADLS) unless she/he has help/assistance from others.

According to the website, https://www.sageminder.com/Caregiving/CaregivingBasics/ADLAssessment.aspx:  “Healthcare Professionals use standard scales to assess a patient's/resident’s ability to cope with life's general demands. Activities of Daily Living Scales (ADLs) are basic daily self-care activities. Instrumental Activities of Daily Living Scales (IADLs) are the basic daily activities needed to live independently in the community. You can get a sense of where your loved one stands by downloading the forms below. Health care at home really needs to begin with an accurate assessment of these ADLs and IADLs.”

I have listed below information about ADLs and IADLs and some ADL & IADL Assessment forms that you can download to your computer and use to evaluate just how much care or “intensive therapy” your Mom needs. Copy and Paste the URL to your computer browser.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/activities-of-daily-living-why-this-measure-matters-186853.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/activities-of-daily-living-defined-427356.htm

https://www.sageminder.com/Caregiving/CaregivingBasics/ADLAssessment.aspx

ADL (Activities of Daily Living/Self-Care) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/ADLforweb.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457

IADL (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living/Measures of Independence) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/Assessment%20of%20IADLs1.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457

You will need to be truthful while completing these forms and not write down what you “WANT” your Mom to be able to do; BUT WHAT SHE REALLY CAN DO—today.

Is it possible that your Mom is receiving Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy at the nursing home?  If your Mom is NOT receiving therapy, is it possible that the stroke has affected her ability to understand HOW TO PERFORM ADLS or to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS; thus making it difficult for your Mom to participate in Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy? What do you mean when you stated “I want my Mom…to attend intensive therapy”? Do you mean that if your Mom lives in her own house that you will take her in your car to Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy at the local hospital or at a Therapy Clinic or where? Would it not be better if your Mom stayed in the same building where she is getting Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy, then having to be brought to that building 5 days a week.  Can your Mom get herself into and out of a car or SUV with minimal assistance? 

These are some things caregivers have to think about when they are trying to decide whether it would be better for their loved one to live at home with them or to live in a nursing home. You have some difficulty thinking and evaluations to do in regards to your Mom’s situation. I hope that you make the decisions that are BEST FOR YOUR MOM even if you don’t agree completely with those decisions.

Ladyshfr, I think that you need to be humble and be willing to visit your Mom when one of your siblings are present.  Your siblings are attempting to offer you a way to see your Mom.  You are letting your emotions get the better of you when you turn down the opportunity to see your Mom--even if it is a supervised visit.

I suggest that you request that a facility staff member, such as someone from the Social Service Department, also attend the meetings to ensure that the meetings with your Mom do not become "negative".  Have the meeting in a dining room or meeting room or other "neutral" area with your Mom, a sibling and a facility staff member.  Also, if the meetings with your Mom start to become too emotional for your Mom, your sibling, or yourself; you will need to calmly and graciously tell everyone that "It is time for me to leave."; give your Mom a hug and a kiss "Good-Bye"; and then JUST LEAVE the meeting.  Do NOT cry in front of your Mom during the meeting, if at all possible.  Be as POSITIVE as you can.  Prior to the meeting, decide what you want to talk to your Mom about: bring photos of the ENTIRE FAMILY while you and your siblings were GROWING UP (not recent photos of the past 1-2 years); sing a song or hymn that your Mom loves; BUT DO NOT talk about the current situation or state that you "wish that your Mom was living in her house". 

I think that if your siblings and the facility staff see that you can have a calm, intelligent, non-emotional, non-threatening conversation with your Mom, then evidently, you might be able to visit your Mom unsupervised.  [If and when that day comes that you can visit your Mom unsupervised, DO NOT immediately revert back to your "OLD" self and talk about taking your Mom to her house to take care of her.]

For reasons that I will not go into, the nursing home staff where Mom lived, misunderstood the relationship between my Mom and myself.  Mom and I lived together for 9+ years after my Father died and though we loved each other, we sometimes had "Mother-Daughter Tiffs" as Mom was rather controlling.  For almost 4 months, ALL OF MY VISITS HAD TO BE SUPERVISED by a facility staff member--either a Nurse Manager or a Social Service staff member.  I did not like it, BUT I visited Mom while being supervised.  These supervised visits were an opportunity for the facility staff members to see that my Mom and I had a loving and caring relationship (even though we did have our little "tiffs" or disagreements occasionally).  Based on these supervised visits, the facility eventually stopped supervising my visits with my Mom. 

I think that your siblings are giving you have a wonderful opportunity to visit your Mom, even if the meetings are supervised.  Remember to always be POSITIVE and COURTEOUS to your Mom and to your sibling(s) during the visit; and to follow any rules or guidelines that your siblings give you regarding your visit with your Mom.  Good Luck and God Bless.

As JoAnn29 states, I hope your mother doesn't need Medicaid someday. She may be penalized, the house will have to be sold, and your siblings may exit the scene, leaving YOU to pick up the pieces.

I hope you won't pay to keep your mother in the facility or then take her to live with you, after, after what you have been through.

I am so sorry you are having a terrible time with this. You have mentioned several times that your siblings tell you that your Mom doesn't want to see you.

Please don't ask them for information. You won't get the information you want to hear. Pursue this as if you are alone in this. Do not tip your hand. If you have to record phone calls , if you have a cell, there are free apps for that. Save every email and every text. You may need them.

You are the only one who is able bodied to determine how far you are willing to take any action.

Remember, with cognitive impairment, it is the disease not the person talking. Take heart that the person you love is still there. She is confused, and has been misled. But she will know what you have done for her. It may not be now. But she will know. Remember that you love her and that won't change. You are a good daughter, and a blessing to both your parents.

This will all come to bite ur siblings in the a _s. Unless Mom is really rich, she will eventually need Medicaid. They go back five years and question where all the money has gone. They may not be able to live in the home because it could be sold for Moms care. And Medicaid may not allow family to get back what family has put out on the house. Mom could be penalized if they find her money was not used for her care.

I truly believe what goes around comes around.

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such a sad and hurtful situation with your Mother and siblings. You mention that “I can't even mourn the passing of my father”—when did your Father die?  Did your Mother have the stroke before or after your Father died?  In relation to your Father’s death, when did your siblings arrange for your Mother to go to the nursing home?

It is SO hard to “sit and wait” for the “Wheels of Justice” to turn. You have received some great advice. I am glad that you plan to send letters to your Mom and that you have consulted an attorney.  Keep sending loving letters to your Mother and continue therapy.

{{{Hugs}}} 💖 and Prayers 🙏 ❀

Er, I'm not so keen on the Thelma and Louise reference. Heroines they may have been (and fine, fine actresses), but practical and responsible they were not. Also: not a happy ending, eh.

There's many a true word spoken in jest. That's kind of what worries me.

Being separated from a mother you love and being unable to satisfy yourself that she is being cared for is very painful. You do not have to disguise that in any way, in front of anybody.

Keep sending cards to your mother. Keep them loving. Keep them cheerful. Let her know what your news is. Do NOT include anything that can be interpreted as an emotional lever - reminding her of shared experiences, for example, could make her feel bad about not being in touch with you now. If it's bad for her, it will be kept from her. If it is likely to make her sad, it will be kept from her.

You may not get a reply, and you won't have any way to know if she is receiving them. Doesn't matter. You've still sent them, you're thinking of her, and at the very least it is something you can do.

I would like you to look for professional guidance about your best way forward. The counselling could do a lot to help you cope, and that's good; but what you're also aiming for is a route to re-establishing some kind of contact with your mother. For that, you need a strategy and a firm hand to keep you on track. Do you have your own lawyer?

Ladysfhr, you are certainly in a heart-breaking situation and I am very sorry for it.

It's hard to think what to suggest. As the authorities are already all over this situation and looking into what has taken place, I'm afraid you're going to have to be patient. Keep in regular touch with any key workers who are dealing with it. Are you allowed to write to your mother? If you are, keep your messages cheerful and simple. It's all right to tell her that you love her and would love to see her, but it wouldn't be all right to tell her not to believe her other children, for example - that would upset her to no purpose, and your letter or card wouldn't be allowed to reach her.

The thing is. It isn't just difficult to imagine what lies your mother could have been told that would destroy a previously strong bond so completely. There is also the question of why your mother's other children would want to do this - do this to *her*, that is, not just to you. I have a feeling that the conflict between all of you must have got considerably more out of hand than you've described.

It's fine, you don't have to share more information than you're comfortable with; but if you're going to approach any kind of professional advocate for help you will need to be clear-eyed and open about what exactly has happened.

Who has POA and Healthcare POA? If you do not have either that is incredibly unfortunate. Did your Mother have a will prior to her stroke? Does your state allow you to look these documents up? If your Mother was cognitively impaired and produced a will after her stroke there is grounds for legal action, expecially if you can produce medical records for that impairment.

One thing I choose to believe is that parents always love their children no matter what. She may have been fed a pack of lies by your siblings and they are the ones who are barring you from the residence your Mother is in, but eventually she will know (in life or after death). Take comfort in the fact that everything is eventually revealed. If she is cognitively impaired it may be that she is 'stuck' in that mental attitude and may not be able to get around it regardless of what you do. You have to understand that it is the disease, not your Mom who has highjacked your Mom's attitude. Your siblings are exploiting that for all it's worth to them and will continue to reinforce that as frequently as they can.

What I don't understand is why they would put her in a nursing facility which would drain her resources rapidly leaving nothing. Unless they pulled something like getting her to sign a sales agreement or transfer of ownership which goes back to the medical question of competence. This is exploitation of an elderly person.

You need to get your ducks in a row:
1. Medical records
2. Usually you can look up deeds and property records in the county where the property resides - get those records.
3. If you had access to her bank accounts previously, get those collected.
4. If you still have access, obtain copies of them as well.
5. Collect any written documentation that existed before your Mother had her stroke (Will, POA, Healthcare POA) that are in existence that you can put your hands on. If you do not have physical access some states/counties allow you to look this information up similar to property records. If they were filed after she had her stroke, make a note of it. Gather both documents for proof if both records exist.
6. Go to your Mothers lawyer and see if he will talk to you about her will or any documents she may have filed if you are unsuccessful in #5.
7. Once you have all this information, submit them to the proper authorities.

What allegations about your siblings would put them at risk of jail? Nothing you've described so far is criminal. Unethical, perhaps, depending on what happened exactly, but not criminal.

Your mother has a right to contact with all her children, is your starting point. When she is asked if she wants to see you, she says no. She does not have to give a reason, so her "no" is not challenged. You can understand, I'm sure, that as a general rule this process is correct. Not your mother, but other vulnerable people *may* be afraid of relatives, and should not have to give a reason not to want to see them. So you can see the sense of it, yes?

So. Negotiate. Maybe you might get somewhere if you aimed for supervised access to start with. Are you in regular touch with any particular social worker or similar professional?

I'm very sorry that you are going through this experience.

When you say that you disagreed with your mother's being placed in a nursing home following her stroke, what form did the disagreement take?

Similarly, as gladimhere asks, what form does your mother's cutting you out of her life take? Is there some kind of order preventing you from visiting the NH? If there is, have you taken legal advice on how you might challenge or amend it?

What keeps you from visiting her? How is she doing?