My mum (89) lives with us. She can't recollect any family members but me. Her son lives overseas and doesn't believe she has dementia. How do I reassure him?

Good Morning,

Every family is the same. You are in the trenches on a daily basis. Who in their right mind would place a label on a loved one with Dementia and doing all that you are doing just to say it and provide all the care that goes along with it.

Sounds like far away brother is trying to make you look bad. So, he is not showing up, but brother has Mom thinking there's nothing wrong with me, and brother ends up looking like the good guy. Join the Club honey...

Men don't notice hygiene, is mother eating properly "everyday" not just once a year when they take Mom out for dinner. Are her prescriptions being filled, dispensed and monitored for any side effects. Does she wear clean, fresh clothes on a daily basis.

Is Mom getting exercise, fresh air, socialization, etc. You get what I am saying. Oftentimes, you can't always discuss a loved one's diagnosis with the person who has Dementia. If people were polite about this loved one's would be driving that shouldn't and endangering themselves and others.

You have to make decisions for the safety of your loved one and others. Some families can get together and come up with a schedule and a plan. Other's, sometimes when you step up to the plate, don't expect to be praised by your siblings.

It's like a slap in the face because you are on the front lines 24-7 and they are an armchair traveler with their Sunday night phone call.

Tell brother that you and hubby are going on a cruise for a week and to come out and stay with Mom. She would love to see you. Print out a "list of things to do" and all the specialists and their phone numbers of the doctor's you visit for mother's health.

Tell him how mother likes her coffee, eggs cooked, clothes cleaned, hair parted, crush her pills and put it in applesauce so she won't choke and cranberry juice to prevent UTI's. The hearing aid batteries need to be changed, partial plate cleaned and the bed stripped and clean sheets put on. This is just the morning routine.

He'll get the message...enough said!

I'm all for siblings working together for a good care plan for their parent.

Mother being agitated after Brother's calls is not a good sign.. I'd only be guessing at his behaviour & intentions. What does he have to say about their calls? Do you think he talks honestly to you?

Is he sort of clueless & happy? The hopeful glass half full sort?

At risk of stirring the pot, who has POA for your Mother? Please say you!

If your Brother - he could have a monetary reason for his 'denial'.

Because if no diagnosis there will be no need use Mother's money to hire aides or even pay for Assisted Living or Memory Care, right?

It sounds like it is time for placement in 24/7 care. And it is likely also time to remove any phone that is causing her a lot of trouble and problems.
You cannot assure anyone with dementia of anything. You can't convince your brother of anything. You can't change others. So if this care is becoming too onerous now it is time to change how it is being given. This sounds like a severe progression of your Mom's dementia, best cared for in full nursing home or memory care unit.

Block his phone calls. Or send him a copy of her medical records and tell him to shut up.

You're not going to be able to convince your brother of anything...don't waste your time. My moms brother would say to mom...."do you remember little Joe who used to live next door to us and eat at our house all the time when we were kids?" and mom would say "yes". Or "do you remember the fifty dollars I gave you for your birthday? and mom would say "yes". Then my uncle would say see there is nothing wrong with her. He prompted a yes or no out of her...he never asked her a question. He never asked her for the name of the kid or what the gift was that he gave her. He doesn't realize that she doesn't even know who he is and can no longer recognize herself in a photo. It's called denial. If being in denial allows your brother to sleep at night, so be it. The bottom line is that his denial doesn't change your moms situation and the fact that she needs care. When your brother calls, let mom talk with him and then don't bring it up at all. Go on about your day and interact with her as if it never happened.

I would have your other brother call him and tell him about Mom telling him proof will be sent from her doctor.

Mom can't live alone. You never know what someone with Dementia will do. Does she recognize you as her daughter or the one that iss always there for her? If your Mom knows no one, then I would say her Dementia is advanced. She doesn't go anywhere because she is comfortable in her little world. Going outside it is overwhelming. Please don't care for her to save an inheritance. The only people who profit from ur hard work is your brothers.

We go through this with my mom too. She has 3 children and the two of us that do all the day to day stuff get the push back and crap from her, though I the only daughter tend to catch the “blame” for things, on a regular basis and the brother that lives across the country who drops in on the Echo once maybe twice a week usually from the car on his way to work can do no wrong. She can be in an ornery you can’t make me mood and as soon as she sees or hears it him she perks up and is as cheery as she can be, she showtimes for him, it can be very disheartening when you are the one in the dog house but also doing the work but I think about as my other brother and I being the ones she is used to and comfortable enough with to let her guard down and the one furthest away being just like any visitor or doctor who she can always pull herself together for, showtime for, when she has to.

We also struggle often with convincing Mom that we only best for her. When she is being suspicious and argumentative “you are wrong” with the brother she lives with, I often hear him pleading “it would be so much easier if you would just trust us” “don’t you trust me”? I of course get to this point too but not actually living with her maybe have learned to refrain as much as I can from pleading or taking it personally and instead taking a step back when I get into that space and remembering that she isn’t able to reason at the moment and the reason she is trying to take control, all be it in unreasonable ways, is because she is feeling more out of control. It’s her broken brain not her heart at work and instead of trying to cover that up she is laying it out with me because somewhere inside she feels comfortable trying to work it through with me. So I back off and just say ok and let it go as much as I can because I know there is no reasoning when she is in this space and getting upset only makes her worse and me angry. It sounds to me like your Mum is much the same given that the days she doesn’t put all that energy into show timing for her far away son she is able to settle into her routine counting on you. Because my mom forgets so much and has a hard time with new concepts we have found that going over the reasons for this thing or that she really doesn’t like to do when she is in a receptive mood helps and when you asked her then if she understands we are just trying to do what’s best for her and or what the doctor wants she usually indicates she knows we want what’s best for her and that we love her which is always helpful for both she and us to hear acknowledged.

Its a labor of love what you are doing and in a backwards kind of way the treatment you get from your mum compared to the treatment far away brother gets is an acknowledgment of that, what’s the old saying…the people we love are the people we hurt the most…something like that. As far as your brother goes, cut him some slack I can only imagine how hard it is to be so far away and so far out of real touch with my mother and her life/caregiving. I doubt he is trying to be disruptive but that’s another discussion. Hang in there your doing great!

Ask your brother to come over and deal with thousand of things you have to do. In the meantime hire somebody to take care of Mom, maybe brother can call them to confirm what they are dealing with.

I had a very similar situation. It is so hard for the person not there to understand what is happening. They also don't understand living and caring for someone with dementia. One suggestion ask him to call her doctor or do some research on dementia. Forward the doctors diagnoses, take some videos showing some typical daily interactions and then some after his calls. It's a tough situation. As for assuring her, you can't. I was taking care of my mother-in-law and she blamed me for everything and basically complained about everything I did for her. She could get very aggressive. I was able to get my mil out on occassions with my older aunt for a lunch or many/pedis. I know you mentioned most of her friends have passed but maybe there is an older person from church or the neighborhood that she might connect with. Good luck, hang in there, and you know you're doing the right thing.

First answer: Don’t try to convince him that she does. Show timers is real with dementia.

Second Answer: Speak with an Elder Attorney to see what you options are. It seems that she may be to far gone to make decisions on her own.