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I moved back home with Mom and Dad in 2003 to help finallcially and to take the stress of taking care of my Mom off his hands. She doesn't want my help, she wants him. Dad had open heart surgery in 2015, he has slowed down alot. He lost a lot of muscle tone. Both have dementia, Mom also has Alzheimer's. I take care of absolutely everything from the house, shopping, meds, doc appt, cooking, mowing the lawn, weeding maintaining yard. Plus I work full time 12 hour shifts. This past few weeks have been horrible. Burning the candle at both ends. 2 brothers no help.

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I guess I needed to vent. Today I am having a meeting because my Father called him, theny brother called me. My brother is never involved, he is an RN and is actually coming over today to help me discuss things with them.

Prayers needed
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lealonnie1 Jun 2021
Prayers sent!! Keep us updated, too, b/c we care!
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What I have found with my 94+ year old mother who is suffering from moderately advanced dementia is this: there is a huge communication breakdown lately that's getting worse instead of better, no matter how hard I try to make it better. Dementia robs a person of the ability to be reasonable, the ability to be lovable, and makes everything a thousand times harder than ever before. I'm finding it nearly impossible to maintain a relationship with my mother these days, and we're growing even further apart than ever before as she gets harder & harder to deal with. If I say black, she says white; if I agree with her that it's white, she'll say it's gray. It's a no win situation, to put it mildly. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living, however, so I can limit my contact with her.

I think it's every elder's 'wish' to 'age in place' and stay in their own home until death. This is not always reasonable or doable, however, and adjustments have to be made sometimes, especially when dementia/ALZ is involved and when you have no help and are fading fast. What happens if YOU have to be hospitalized from stress related disease? Then what? Who takes care of the house and the parents then? You have to get help now so you'll have Plan B in place for if/when an emergency crops up. You need respite so you don't get sick and/or burn out, which is also a very real possibility. I hope your dad is really thinking about moving into an ALF or managed care of some kind with mom, that would be IDEAL! Fingers crossed for that to work out!!!!

You say "I know what's involved and I know it's not going to get easier. I am working on figuring things out." When you took care of your grandparents, you were younger. Things change when age sets in and limitations are reached and exceeded. Know when to cry uncle. Know when it's time to ask for help and hire it. I agree with KathleenQ, by the way, that the demented elders always act MUCH nicer with hired help than they do with their own family members!!! I see it ALL the time with my mother who treats me like a dirty dish rag and the CGs at her MC like solid gold!!!

Stop expecting any real communication from your mother who's no longer capable of it and step back a bit; do what you can for her and let your dad tell her No.

It's got to be a hugely overwhelming task you've taken on for the past 18 years and I don't know how you're doing it alone. I pray you can get some hired help in, at the very least, b/c it's too much for one human being to handle. Even Superwoman wouldn't be able to manage this! I'm worn out from a one hour visit with my mother at her MC on Sunday's; I'd have lost my mind by now if I were in your shoes. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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DoubleCare Jun 2021
Superwoman ain't got nothing on me! Lol! I take excellent care of my health too. I guess I needed to vent, I will be hopefully making more progress today.
Thank you
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Agree that YOU need help. Hire a caregiver and watch your Mom behave! Hugging a cactus- has that always been part of your relationship with her? Then don’t e pect it to change or to receive any gratitude. Just bring in a stranger and give yourself some time off.
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DoubleCare Jun 2021
Trust me, I know not to expect it. My Mother was always like this. I also took care of her mother who was like their own granddaughter and daughter were a competition.
I understand their mental state of mind. A lot of prayers and patience help.

I know it's going to get harder. I actually have been through this with my grandparents but I was not POA or POH. My Aunt was. She offered me tjier home if I would live their with them but my Grandmother was impossible. I felt horrible for my Grampop. They were tricked into a home, as they were just going to "check" it out by my Aunt.
We would pick them up for visits. My Grampop was heartbroken.

I am taking things day by day and trust me I have a bunch of plans, but I need to discuss with them.

I have been trying for some time, I am working with all the Doctors as well.

Thank you for your input.
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Who is the PoA for each of your parents? If it is not you, then this person needs to be informed to step up and step in. If no one is their PoA then you will need to allow the county to have guardianship of them. They will get the care they need and their affairs managed and you will get your life back. You cannot keep going like you've been doing. Also, your brothers are under no obligation to help unless they are the PoAs. You could inform them that you're resigning your caregiving and see how they react when they understand that guardianship by the county would mean that there's no longer any involvement or transparency into your parents affairs by their children. You should maybe speak with social services first to see if your parents can have an in-home assessment to see if they qualify for any help. I wish you much success in getting control of the situation. May you receive peace in your heart no matter what happens.
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DoubleCare Jun 2021
Thank you. I am POA and POH. They always said they want to stay in thier home until they pass. I an experienced with this because I had taken care of my Grampop and Grandmother.

I know what's involved and I know it's not going to get easier. I am working on figuring things out.
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You are doing waaaay too much! You are going to crash and burn. They need more help than you can give them. Are they both in such bad shape that they can do nothing to help out? If that is true, which is quite possible, then you really need to hire some help that your parents pay for.

Good luck getting some of your life back.
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DoubleCare Jun 2021
I already crashed and burned a billion times but I keep getting up.

My Older brother is coming over today to try to help.me speak to them. They tell me they want to stay in their home. Yet my Father called brother last week and said he thinks they are thinking about moving into a home?

They made me POA and POH YEARS AGO.

Praying it goes well today
Thank you
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Communicate what exactly? If you are trying to get her to understand that you can't keep going on the way you have been or are looking for some kind of affirmation or empathy then that isn't likely to happen, she has dementia and her brain is broken. I don't think anyone can work full time and look after a home with two demented parents, it's time to either hire outside help (with mom and dad's money, not yours) or move your parents into a facility.
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DoubleCare Jun 2021
I understand what dementia and alzheimers is. I have studied every single detail and have been working closely with all their doctors, so we are all on the same page.

Praying our meeting today gets some answers.
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