No consideration for me. Anybody else?
Am I being petty or what? I am the live in caretaker and from a dysfunctional family. Father recently fell and was in hospital. While there my siblings had multiple friends of theirs coming in, which wore me out since I have reached caregiver burnout long ago, and I suspect it wore my dad out as well, but he didn't want to offend.
Now, back at home, they are coming in telling me that this person and that is planning to come by. I have not slept in three days. I have not cleaned the house in two weeks (there has been more than one hospital visit.) I am already stressed and what really ticks me off is that no one ever asks how I am doing or if I am up to hosting visitors, cleaning up, and trying to keep someone from wandering off in the middle of the night ( yes, I was afraid to go to sleep for fear of his falling)
Doctor is telling me that my health is getting worse. Telling my family about this goes in one ear and out the other.
I am the youngest and feel like my opinion has never mattered, and that I am not as important as other family members - but of course I am expected to do most of the work.
Honest opinions, anybody?
(Can I just hit them over the head or something?)
15 Answers
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You sound very burnt out. Please remember that 40% [up from the 30%] of caregivers pass on while taking care of a love one. Those are terrible odds. My gosh, what would everyone do if that happened to you?
Since your doctor is giving you a stern warning, you need to do something pretty quick. Can you afford to move out on your own? How is your Dad's overall health? I see on your profile you also take care of your Mom. Any thoughts about assisted living? Otherwise, you'd be making plans for Assisted Living for yourself.
"I'm sorry. That won't work. Try to schedule your friends' visits for when you can be here to entertain them. That'll be sooo helpful for me. It'll give me some respite."
Repeat ten or twenty times until it just comes out naturally. Oh, when you rehearse, be sure to smile. The words will come out a bit softer that way.
Establish visitation and length of visit. Perhaps 1 hour in the morning and another in the afternoon and no more than 1 or 2 visitors at a time.
Your father needs his down time. Too many visitors can wear down someone recovering from a medical crisis and delay his recovery. The rules are for him - make that clear.
If the rules aren't honored, don't let the people in. Put a sign on the door stating "rest time", or something like that and just don't answer the door.
If you have to be blunt, do it.
Thanks everyone for your comments. So far, all the visitors came at the hospital - when the nurse even peeked in to see what on earth was going on. It's like brother knows practically half of the people in town, so when they see them, instead of telling them that Dad is worn out (along with the rest of the family) they just grin and tell them to please go on over! ("Oh they would LOVE to see you!") Seems to me it's like they have a 'Dad, look at how popular we are' contest going on.
When I left the house this morning I told my mother to just tell them that we are not in any condition to have visitors. I think that she would do it, but Dad is SO afraid of offending... In fact, when I bring up that we do not need people marching in, I am told that it's my dad's decision, and that I should just LEAVE if I don't like it.
My dad has a concussion, by the way - sent home too early from hospital. He ended up hitting his head a second time. He was quite active before the fall, so still hoping for the best.
Regardless, since I live here, I will have to do the cleaning. Yes, I do feel like Cinderella,
because neither can afford assisted living - but I did call on siblings last night to be in the house while he is up and about at night. He did better than the first night, when he was pacing all over the house ( with me following) I am still so tired that I can't think, but I did get a few hours sleep last night.
Basically my situation is that if I get upset about anything, then I am told that I am the one with the problem, and then I get the cold shoulder treatment. Even though I do most of the work, I always end up being the bad guy. When I express my opinion, I can see them looking sideways at each other like 'there she goes again.'
Actually, leaving sounds like the best solution to this situation. What would it take for you to move out? As in, do you need to get an outside job? Sell extra stuff? Squirrel away some money for a security deposit? It sounds like the only way your work will be valued is when you're not there to do it for them anymore....
Or, when the guests arrive, say: "Oh, I am so glad you are here! I will be right back, please don't leave dad alone, I will be back. By the time they can ask where you are going, or say, oh, we can't stay, you are already exiting the driveway.
Be sure to call sibs to come over and entertain the visitors, because you just can't make it back in time. Oops! That was such a quick call, they're not sure they heard you right. Honestly!
Ask your doctor and/or your father's doctor for a referral to a good social worker. SW job is to connect people and the resources they need. Let her surprise you with ideas that you never thought of, or never thought possible, for improving your own and your father's situations.
The poster here is headed for caregiver burnout.
Living South, you are not being petty. I hope things change for you soon, for when you are able to stand up for yourself.
The idea that you are financially dependent on your parents that therefore have no say about what goes on in their house is so wrong on so many levels, but I doubt it is an injustice you can overturn on your own.
See a social worker about help for YOU. Live on your own. Let your siblings deal with your parents' care. You've had your turn.
You know, I have been thinking about how I have sent casseroles to people who were sick or had a death in the family - and not ONE person has offered to do the same for me. Didn't do it expecting anything in return, but a little thoughtfulness from others would be great every now and then.
(If I ever get even HALF of the quality of care that I give, if I even live that long, it will be a real surprise.)
So, no one but you has the job. You set the rules. But don't be naive. And be yourself. Respite care will keep you sane and give you a better perspective. And make a friend, or find a group for caregivers. You need to vent, but to others. Mom is still Mom and will expect you to respect her. It is a good way to.honor her
Miy parents are both gone, and I helped my Mom. She had Alzheimer's and mental illness. Sometimes she was mean. And she made up things to hurt. I was running a child day care for 14 kids, with a helper. Some days I cried. And I have great memories, too. Even though those times were trying, I learned so much. I learned about unconditional love, forgiveness, patience, how to set and say what my expextations were, and most importantly, time is short and gratitude.
I got to see my divorced parents before they passed. And I have been able to grow past their struggles. I know my sons have been able to grow past mine. I couldn't wish anything better for them. I hope you know how important you are. Not many people are able to give care. It's just not in them.
Hang in there and show up every day, and keep their backs. Even if no one appreciates you, your parents need care. And you are able to step up. Do be realistic and avoid pitfalls. Burn-out. Poor me pity will suck up all of your good efforts. Isolation. Any hurdle will become a mountain. Vent to the right people. It feels hurtful to the people who raised you, if they hear that you are not happy caring for them. No two days are ever the same. Tomorrows are hope. They call today the present because it is a present(gift) and look for the things that you are thankful for. Life is short. I believe all things happen for a reason. Yeah, relax. Nap when they do. It's going to be okay. Oh, yes, you are not alone!
I look up to you, and am so glad to know that your parents have you now. Not many people are cared for, and you are the one person that allows them to stay in their home. That is huge! I am glad to have read your post and hope you get the care you need.
My late husband committed suicide under our home. He was a Vietnam Veteran and had Hep-C. The VA HOSPITAL prescribed interferon and told him that he would have mood swings and flu-like symptoms. I found out that it causes suicidal thoughts and acts. I lost our home, my business, income, and him. It took many years for me to heal. I would never have imagined that would happen. It changed my perspective of time, and the choices we make with our time. You are taking the high road. That is a happy, good choice.
My friends had kids and were not inclined to hang out with anyone who did not have them, so I am isolated - since my town has no caregiver group and few resources. I will look into respite, (would LOVE the idea) but I know that my mother will refuse to let a 'stranger' into the house.
I am determine to have a few days vacation, for a change, and plan to inform my siblings that they will have to step up and supervised things while I am gone. I am not going to ASK - I am going to demand. I know that my parents would run me into the ground, and so they know that I am not happy about being taken for granted. When I do complain, they just have a blank look on their face. I have to constantly nag them to even call outside help ( which means siblings) and I have no cousins to call on, because their families were not close knit.
I'm tired, so I hope that this makes some sense - you clearly have the 'gift' of encouragement and I will say a little prayer for you when I think of your note.
It does make you feel better when you have someone who has been through similar situations.