Follow
Share

So I'm married and my dad lives with us; he's in his late 60's now with incontinence so he wears diapers. I don't mind handling this, it's just something that needs to be done so that he doesn't run into other health issues. He took care of me when I was young so I don't mind returning the favor. My wife on the other hand she never helps. She changes baby diapers fine but this she just refuses, so I'm like whatever about it and just deal with it myself. We have 3 kids and one of them, my oldest daughter, is now 18 and she wants to be a nurse. We were chatting one night awhile back discussing things but I think I made a mistake of joking with her go practice with helping my dad but now I feel like an a** because it turns out she did just that since I caught her the other day after I came home from getting groceries. I'm a little annoyed because she kinda went behind my back but not much I can do about it because she's an adult now as well. I explained to her how I felt and apologized for joking about that with her but she said she didn't want it to all be on me since her mom wouldn't help. My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded. I am not sure what to do. I mean I could use the help but she's 18 and an adult but that's also my kid. I tried arguing with her but she's thickheaded like me and wears her heart on her sleeve like me and says she's and adult now and is insisting on continuing to help. I told her I need to discuss with her mom but now I am frustrated because it's technically my fault for making a dumb joke about it in the first place but I don't want to create problems for anyone either. I can see both sides of it but at the same time but I know I don't always make the best decisions sometimes and I really don't like drama at all either but I feel stuck and like I really screwed up here, not sure what to do other than to leave it be I guess and loop my wife in on it so she's not blindsided if it comes up... Any thoughts??

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Your wife has a right to refuse to help change your fathers briefs. I took care of my dad for the most part, but my mother cleaned and changed him. I did not feel comfortable with such a task. Yes your daughter is an adult, but she is a young 18 years old and it is her grandfather. I really do not think it is appropriate in my opinion.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

If your daughter truly wants to help in that way, let her. As long as Dad is okay with it.

You seem annoyed that your wife doesn't help with this. I don't blame her; I couldn't do it either. Poop alone would send me running away. And I don't want to get that familiar with my father-in-law! Likening it to changing baby diapers isn't really accurate. A small baby is much easier to change than a grown man. Baby pee and poop aren't the same amount as a grown man!

Bear in mind it's YOUR father. Not hers. If you want your father living with you, then you are the one who should do most of the the caretaking (and accept help when it's offered).
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

As you said:

"...it's just something that needs to be done so that he doesn't run into other health issues."

Provided your daughter and - as far as he's aware of what's happening - your father feel the same, I don't see a problem. And if those are really your feelings on the subject, why do you feel you screwed up in speaking light-heartedly to your daughter about it?

It's quite unusual for a man in his late sixties to be incontinent and unable to deal independently with his own personal care - what are your father's health problems? The reason I ask is to look ahead and question whether his care will continue to be manageable at home.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I find it interesting that you are upset your wife refuses to change your father's diapers but equally upset that your adult daughter is willing. Why do you feel you wife should be doing this.? There is no comparison between taking care of a child and taking care of an adult who is now childlike. And there is nothing owed to a parent because they raised you.

I am more concerned that your father is only in his 60s. Are you ready to do this for another 20 years?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Sunnydayze Nov 2020
Very good point regarding the father only being in his 60’s.
(1)
Report
Welcome to the Forum.
I see no problem whatsoever for an 18 year old woman, especially one who intends to be a nurse, helping your Dad with a change. I stress the "helping with a change" because at 60, even if Dad is failing (you don't tell us about his diagnosis and prognosis; he is quite young) he should be encouraged so much as you are able to REMAIN INDEPENDENT so much as he can. There are some pull up products that may enable him to handle some of this himself with reminders. I am a nurse. I was born with the destiny of either nurse or undertaker, because I was always into this caregiving, or into burying whatever small animal I found dying. I was never bothered by what a nurse deals with every single day. If Dad is comfortable and if daughter is comfortable (and I would speak with both of them) then I am perfectly fine in my own mind of your daughter doing this loving assistance and care for her grandpa.
Tell your daughter good luck. I started slow.My training as a CNA was free and I loved it. I went then to LVN (or LPN as it was called in Illinois. Finally on to RN. I loved the career.
You didn't screw up at all. This is a family giving care to a beloved member.It's OK if your wife doesn't wish to participate in certain things if she is uncomfortable. I am certain with cooking and washing and cleaning she does QUITE ENOUGH, right?
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Avitonn Nov 2020
Thank you for the help and advice. I didn't go into detail with why my dad is like that because I didn't think it was really relevant here to the concern and question I had but if you all must know he was in a really bad car accident about 7 years ago. I get pretty forgetful sometimes myself and I don't recall what the doctors called it off the top of my head other than knowing it pretty much left him paralyzed with incontinence issues. It doesn't really bother me because I had problems as a kid up until I was about 15 which I think was partly related to the fact that my parents are got divorced when I was young but I just could not stand to leave him alone like that, idk why but I couldn't. He was always there for me with a lot of dumb stuff I did as a kid. Also, yeah I'm aware my wife is allowed to be that way so I gave up on even bothering to ask her anymore but you're certainly right she makes up for it everywhere else so it's definitely quite enough. I've just learned over time that if you want something done sometimes you just gotta do it yourself. And where's my mom in all of this, we don't really talk, she's always judged me over every little decision I make and I'm an adult but she makes me feel like I'm 2 most the time so I usually don't speak to her anymore unless I absolutely have to such as birthdays. She even refused to help him. Oh well, it's my problem now so be it and I just try to think of the positives, it's depressing if I get into any negatives so I try hard not to go there whatsoever to avoid that problem. This whole thing just threw me in for a loop pretty much, something I wasn't really expecting tbh and life is full of endless challenges it seems...

Anyways, regardless - thank you everyone for all the feedback and help, this is really helpful info and things for me to think of..
(0)
Report
Sounds like you've raised a very caring and loving daughter, that she wants to be able to be able to help you out some, as she sees that your fathers care is all falling on your shoulders. You should be proud. She's old enough to decide if it's something that she wants to do or not, and you are right, it is good training if she wants to be in the nursing field. Don't discourage her, just tell her how much you appreciate the help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

"...My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded..." I'm confused about what you are saying here. Does your father not realize that his granddaughter is changing his diaper??

Your wife is entitled to not wanting to change an adult diaper. Your daughter, on the other hand, wants to become a nurse and it's a part of her future profession. I don't see what's wrong with an 18 year old who wants to be a nurse helping change his diaper. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal including with your wife. Be grateful for the help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

There’s a far bridge between wanting to be a nurse and being one. There’s also a huge gap between being 18 and a granddaughter and helping to change a stranger. This shouldn’t in any way be on your daughter to do. Please be very sure this is what she wants and it’s not that she feels obligated due to seeing tension in the house over it. We see a lot of young caregivers here, they are often resentful over what’s been put on them in a myriad of ways. And please stop the mindset that you’re “returning the favor” in caring for your dad because he once raised you, there’s just no comparison there. Adults choose to have children out of completely different desires than those who choose to care for an aging parent. Instead of just looping your wife in on what’s occurred, how about an honest discussion on how your dad’s care in your home is impacting your marriage and family? I’m guessing you may learn some valuable info
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If caring for her grandfather does not bother your daughter then I see no problem with it. As said, this is good training. Its not a glamorous job. But, is a very good profession to get into. You can always find a job. My daughter makes a very good wage as a Unit Manager. She is single, owns her own home. Has paid off her car and bought a jeep for fun.

Now your wife...I would not care for my father if he had outlived my Mom. I surely would not have cared for my FIL. I would wash his clothes and cook his meals but the showering and changing of depends would be my husbands responsibility. You have 3 children, I think your wife has enough on her plate. And I assume you both work? Changing a baby or toddler boy is a LOT different than changing a full grown man. And that man not ur husband. Really, think about it. I think ur being unfair here.

"My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded"

67 is young to have incontinent problems. Have you had him to a Dr for the problem? It could be prostrate problems which you do not want to get worse. If its an enlarged prostrate he could get to the point he can't go. His "absent mindness" sounds more like a Dementia. Have you had him to the doctor for a full physical? This would include labs to determine if something physical is causing him this "absent mindness". There are all kinds of things that could cause this. His potassium could be low. If on BP meds, he may need an adjustment. He could have diabetes. Even meds he is taking could cause problems.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When my grandmother graduated from high school in 1916, she decided to follow her older sister into the nursing profession. She began the classes and she quit two weeks later after realizing one of her tasks would be "wiping old men's backsides."

I congratulate your daughter -- she's already made it farther in nursing than my grandmother did. She clearly has the mind for caregiving and doing what needs to be done. She'll make an excellent nurse.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter