So I'm married and my dad lives with us; he's in his late 60's now with incontinence so he wears diapers. I don't mind handling this, it's just something that needs to be done so that he doesn't run into other health issues. He took care of me when I was young so I don't mind returning the favor. My wife on the other hand she never helps. She changes baby diapers fine but this she just refuses, so I'm like whatever about it and just deal with it myself. We have 3 kids and one of them, my oldest daughter, is now 18 and she wants to be a nurse. We were chatting one night awhile back discussing things but I think I made a mistake of joking with her go practice with helping my dad but now I feel like an a** because it turns out she did just that since I caught her the other day after I came home from getting groceries. I'm a little annoyed because she kinda went behind my back but not much I can do about it because she's an adult now as well. I explained to her how I felt and apologized for joking about that with her but she said she didn't want it to all be on me since her mom wouldn't help. My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded. I am not sure what to do. I mean I could use the help but she's 18 and an adult but that's also my kid. I tried arguing with her but she's thickheaded like me and wears her heart on her sleeve like me and says she's and adult now and is insisting on continuing to help. I told her I need to discuss with her mom but now I am frustrated because it's technically my fault for making a dumb joke about it in the first place but I don't want to create problems for anyone either. I can see both sides of it but at the same time but I know I don't always make the best decisions sometimes and I really don't like drama at all either but I feel stuck and like I really screwed up here, not sure what to do other than to leave it be I guess and loop my wife in on it so she's not blindsided if it comes up... Any thoughts??
I see no problem whatsoever for an 18 year old woman, especially one who intends to be a nurse, helping your Dad with a change. I stress the "helping with a change" because at 60, even if Dad is failing (you don't tell us about his diagnosis and prognosis; he is quite young) he should be encouraged so much as you are able to REMAIN INDEPENDENT so much as he can. There are some pull up products that may enable him to handle some of this himself with reminders. I am a nurse. I was born with the destiny of either nurse or undertaker, because I was always into this caregiving, or into burying whatever small animal I found dying. I was never bothered by what a nurse deals with every single day. If Dad is comfortable and if daughter is comfortable (and I would speak with both of them) then I am perfectly fine in my own mind of your daughter doing this loving assistance and care for her grandpa.
Tell your daughter good luck. I started slow.My training as a CNA was free and I loved it. I went then to LVN (or LPN as it was called in Illinois. Finally on to RN. I loved the career.
You didn't screw up at all. This is a family giving care to a beloved member.It's OK if your wife doesn't wish to participate in certain things if she is uncomfortable. I am certain with cooking and washing and cleaning she does QUITE ENOUGH, right?
Good luck.
Anyways, regardless - thank you everyone for all the feedback and help, this is really helpful info and things for me to think of..
Your dad doesn't sound too functional at 67 so have you thought through what the care arrangement might be in 5 years when he is even less functional and his care is more intense and your daughter the aspiring RN may be out of school and in a job with her own family? I'm wondering if your wife doesn't feel comfortable changing a grown man's incontinence briefs (as opposed to a woman's)? I wouldn't like it much... Just a thought.
In any caregiving scenario transparency and respectful, positive and informative communication is very key to keeping everyone on the same page and maintaining domestic peace. Your daughter is very sweet to help but please remember that your wife is priority over her and your father. If this caregiving situation is putting strain on your relationship you should work to solve it so it works for everyone. Blessings!
Your wife is entitled to not wanting to change an adult diaper. Your daughter, on the other hand, wants to become a nurse and it's a part of her future profession. I don't see what's wrong with an 18 year old who wants to be a nurse helping change his diaper. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal including with your wife. Be grateful for the help.
If your wife has no problems with your daughter changing a brief and if your daughter does not have a problem then I see no need for worry.
Anyone that is going to enter Nursing School will probably have to take a CNA course (99% sure it is required here in Illinois) so as 18 she would have to put time in doing clinical work and that might mean changing briefs, bathing as well as all the other "scut" work.
Now I would draw the line if your father started behaving in a way that might be aggressive or sexual in nature. That can be common for some forms of dementia. But if he is compliant there should not be a problem
If at anytime it becomes unsafe for your daughter, or you then you have to adapt.
Gait Belt to help with transfers. As he declines a Sit To Stand to help make it safer and easier for him as well as anyone trying to transfer him and then the Hoyer Lift when he can no longer support himself.
You seem annoyed that your wife doesn't help with this. I don't blame her; I couldn't do it either. Poop alone would send me running away. And I don't want to get that familiar with my father-in-law! Likening it to changing baby diapers isn't really accurate. A small baby is much easier to change than a grown man. Baby pee and poop aren't the same amount as a grown man!
Bear in mind it's YOUR father. Not hers. If you want your father living with you, then you are the one who should do most of the the caretaking (and accept help when it's offered).
"...it's just something that needs to be done so that he doesn't run into other health issues."
Provided your daughter and - as far as he's aware of what's happening - your father feel the same, I don't see a problem. And if those are really your feelings on the subject, why do you feel you screwed up in speaking light-heartedly to your daughter about it?
It's quite unusual for a man in his late sixties to be incontinent and unable to deal independently with his own personal care - what are your father's health problems? The reason I ask is to look ahead and question whether his care will continue to be manageable at home.
As far as your daughter helping out with her grandfather's brief changes, go for it. If she's going to be a nurse, brief changes will be the least of the uncomfortable things she'll be in charge of doing. Trust me on that; my daughter is a cardiac RN and the stories she tells about things she has to do for patients would make you vomit. Literally.
Thank your daughter for her willingness to help out, and your wife for agreeing to this living arrangement. There is no 'drama' here that you're not creating yourself. Let it all go, and all will be well.
Now your wife...I would not care for my father if he had outlived my Mom. I surely would not have cared for my FIL. I would wash his clothes and cook his meals but the showering and changing of depends would be my husbands responsibility. You have 3 children, I think your wife has enough on her plate. And I assume you both work? Changing a baby or toddler boy is a LOT different than changing a full grown man. And that man not ur husband. Really, think about it. I think ur being unfair here.
"My father doesn't even realize it either because he gets pretty absent minded"
67 is young to have incontinent problems. Have you had him to a Dr for the problem? It could be prostrate problems which you do not want to get worse. If its an enlarged prostrate he could get to the point he can't go. His "absent mindness" sounds more like a Dementia. Have you had him to the doctor for a full physical? This would include labs to determine if something physical is causing him this "absent mindness". There are all kinds of things that could cause this. His potassium could be low. If on BP meds, he may need an adjustment. He could have diabetes. Even meds he is taking could cause problems.
I am more concerned that your father is only in his 60s. Are you ready to do this for another 20 years?
I congratulate your daughter -- she's already made it farther in nursing than my grandmother did. She clearly has the mind for caregiving and doing what needs to be done. She'll make an excellent nurse.
I copied with incontinence for 2 years after a complicated labour but managed this myself while doing baby care, paid work & study.
I think as important as it is that you look out for your 18 year old daughter, I've got one of those too, she is making an adult decision about her future AND about what she is offering freely to assist with in caring for your father.
I think it is equally important for you to look at what is going on with your wife and your marriage. You have 3 kids, the oldest is the 18 year old. She is still in active mom mode. Is she working at an outside job full time? A full time stay at home mom to children who need her attention (especially right now with COVID, only a small % of children in our area have gone back to school, many are homeschooling or still doing virtual learning)? Is she trying to take care of children, you, her FIL, and a home? I'd be interested in understanding those dynamics.
My SIL and BIL moved in with my FIL 3 years ago for numerous reasons, mostly theirs at the time. Over time he has become more dependent on them. To the point where he NEEDS them there now. SIL does not work outside of the home, her children are grown and out of the nest, and her main focus is on taking care of her father and the home. She is overwhelmed beyond belief just by his increasing needs (he is a narcissist and will take advantage of anyone). My point there is that she felt because she didn't have any other pressing responsibilities that caring for her dad would be part of her day and it quickly became ALL of her day. Is it possible that your wife was overwhelmed with other responsibilities and had to remove something from her plate?
Your daughter is 18. It is hard! Hard to let someone be the adult we raised them to be because they are still our little girl or boy. But if she plans to be a nurse, she is likely going to see worse. She is volunteering. All you can really do is decide if you need her help and whether you are willing to accept it.